Stuck In a Bad Marriage? These Are Your Three Choices

Posted on by stilllearning2b
bad marriage

I had someone come to me last week for advice. His relationship with a woman – a married woman – recently ended and he was reeling from the breakup and associated revelations.

“I don’t understand,” he wrote, “How can she tell me her marriage is so bad and then choose to stay in it?”

I groaned. I couldn’t help it. I have never heard from anyone who had a relationship with a married partner who was not told that the marriage was bad. In fact, I think that pronouncement is a prerequisite for infidelity.

And it drives me crazy.

First, I see this as an excuse. It’s a convenient way to lessen guilt and shift blame to the unsuspecting spouse. It’s basically saying, “I’m not cheating because I’m a bad person; I’m cheating because you’re a bad person.” By painting the marriage as bad, regardless of the veracity of the claim, the actions become justified.

I also read these statements as a cry of insecurity. In essence, “My husband/wife never appreciates me so I need you to fill in the void.” But when we seek validation outside of ourselves, it’s never enough.

The assertion of a bad marriage to an affair partner is also manipulative. It’s a sob story that can used to spur rescuing behavior. “I’ve tried so hard to be a good spouse but I’m a victim of my spouse’s actions.”

Ugh. Just no.

If you’re on the receiving end of these stories, listen between the claims. Watch actions, not words. Think about what this person has to gain by telling you about their bad marriage.

And realize that reality may be very different than the picture they are trying to paint. After all, most people that have affairs claim that they are happy in their marriages.

Yet they say otherwise.

Now of course, marriages can go bad. Some had signs of mold from their inception while others slowly rot over time. If you’re in a souring marriage, you have three choices:

Fix It

Not by changing your spouse. But by changing yourself and your reactions. Instead of blaming your responses on your partner’s actions, dig deeper to uncover why you are upset. What is being triggered? Address that.

How To Release Your Triggers

Accept It

Your spouse isn’t perfect. And neither are you. Marriages have seasons of growth and periods of drought. Are you looking to your spouse to fill a void within yourself? Are you expecting your marriage to magically heal your childhood wounds? Are you assuming that your partner should meet all of your needs?

Why I Don’t Want a Perfect Marriage

End It

And if the defects are fatal? End it. There’s no reason to keep a marriage on life support forever.

12 Things to Consider Before Ending Your Marriage

Choosing to stay in the marriage while complaining about it is a form of passive acceptance. Yet it’s an acceptance that will keep you (and your marriage) miserable.

7 Reasons People Withdraw in Relationships

It’s really that simple.

Three choices – fix it, accept it or end it.

Make one.

The Truth I Needed to Hear

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Brock and I have been in one of those periodic marital eddies recently where we continually engage in a similar conversation, one that leaves me teary and him frustrated. Although many important issues have been brought up and addressed, it still felt as though the core truth had not yet been uncovered. And so we kept getting pulled back in.

Until the other night.

“You don’t have to be perfect in order for me to love you,” he said, looking at me from his perch on the kitchen counter.

Wow.

I immediately felt the anxious energy that has been coursing through my body recently fall away. My body lost its rigidity and molded itself to the corner of the fridge.

That was the truth I needed to hear. I just didn’t realize it until he shared it.

I’ve always been labeled “sensitive.” I’m the puppy that looks mortally wounded with just a disapproving glance. And I can easily view any criticism as an incoming swat with a newspaper. And so I strive to please. To ensure that I get the “good job” pats on the head and the “atta girls” for a job done well.

And so I strive to please.

Not just to make people happy.

But to reassure myself that I’m okay.

That I’m not going to be discarded in a moment of disappointment.

And that insecurity has been at the core of our circling conversations.

That fear of being abandoned yet again rudely intruding.

The character assassinating words left by my ex interrupting my thoughts and planting poisonous seeds.

The past refusing to sit and stay.

Don’t Feed the Outliers

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I taught a lesson about statistics towards the end of the year. It was one of those rare lessons in our curriculum where the material directly and easily relates to the real world.

I introduced the term “outlier” to the students and explained how data points far removed from the rest of the information can skew the results. As an example, I shared with them the startling (at least to me) figure I had read that morning – the average U.S. wedding now costs upwards of $28,000. Gulp.

We discussed selection bias; the survey was administered on wedding websites, already narrowing the selection pool to people more likely to invest in a pricey wedding. Then, we analyzed the impact of the Kim Kardashians of the wedding world, who reportedly spent 12 million on her last wedding.

The students immediately saw how those rare but insanely weddings not only inflate the national average, but also garner more attention and consideration than the more mundane affairs. The median wedding cost, which is far more resistant to outliers, is closer to $15,000. Still not cheap, but certainly much more attainable.

We naturally pay attention to outliers. The unusual captures our gaze out of a sea of familiar. The stand outs demand consideration in both awareness and response.

And by diverting our attention to the unusual rather than the ordinary, we may inadvertently be feeding the outliers.

Sometimes that extra attention is meritorious, nurturing rarity that excels in some way, much like the process of natural selection. If your partner rarely acknowledges your birthday in a way you prefer, by all means make a big deal out of the time when he/she got it right. By attending to these interactions, you may be able to increase their frequency, thus nudging the average towards the ideal.

But sometimes the outlying characteristics do not deserve the extra regard, and the wooing of them only serves to form a false perspective and a skewed response. If your partner is normally responsive and is overly dismissive one week, it may serve you better to be patient rather than to focus on the unusual behavior. Of course, some behavior is so outside the accepted spread, that it requires immediate reaction.

In a reductionistic stance, relationships can be distilled into a series of data points, comprised of interactions and responses. When considering your relationships, be careful not to put too much emphasis on the outliers. The patterns are much more important than the occasional point off the beaten path.

And if any of you ever plan a 12 million dollar wedding, please send an invite. I’d love to experience that outlier for one day! 🙂

10 Struggles Anybody Who Has Been Divorced Will Understand

Posted on by stilllearning2b
divorced

1) “Getting to Know You” Conversations Can Become Awkward

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“So, what brought you to Atlanta?”

I hate it when I get that question. Because the true answer is, “My ex-husband’s job.” But I don’t always want to go there, especially in a professional setting. So sometimes this perfectly innocuous question leads to conversational gymnastics to try to avoid the more salacious aspects of my life. And that’s not the only potentially tricky question. Once you’ve been married to somebody, your life stories intertwine and it can be difficult to tell yours without including unwanted information about your former spouse.

2) You Find Yourself Referencing Your “Other Life”

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Once the divorce is final and in the rear view mirror, it feels like it happened to somebody else. Like that chapter was a whole other life. Even though your friends and family may see a contiguous you, you know otherwise. There was the person before the divorce and the person after. Thus, the “other life.”

3) Some Things Are Still Under Your Former Married Name

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Changing your name is no easy feat. And after the emotional and financial upheaval of divorce? It’s almost an impossibility to gather enough energy to do it completely. I still have my old name on my car insurance (only because their demands mean I would have to visit the courthouse for additional documentation) and most of my classroom supplies are branded with the former moniker (When my students inquire about the name, I simply say, “She is a woman I used to know“). And, of course, I still receive credit card offers and advertisements under my old name. I guess they’re not aware she doesn’t exist anymore.

4) Your Blood Pressure Rises When You Have to Indicate “Marital Status” On Some Form

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This is the worst while you’re in the process of divorcing: Technically you’re married, but you certainly don’t feel it. You’re not quite divorced yet, and you silently wonder if checking that box will speed up the legal process. You’re not single, but you’re slowly learning to be on your own. Nor are you widowed, although you may wish your spouse was dead. Here’s the box I would like to have placed on intake forms.

5) Weddings Become Bittersweet Events

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The first wedding I attended was my cousin’s, two years after my divorce.  I sat in the pew, my then-boyfriend now-husband by my side, and I tried to hold back the tears. I was happy for her. Excited for this new chapter in her life. But I was also sad for me, remembering back to the day when I possessed that certainty and unbridled excitement for the future. And I was scared for her. I wanted her happiness to last, untouched by divorce. Weddings are beginnings. And after divorce, you become acutely aware that sometimes they lead to premature endings.

6) You Learn That Missing Someone and Hating Someone Are Not Mutually Exclusive

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Continue to read the rest.

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When to Try Harder and When to Walk Away

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The thought of walking away is tempting. Just the notion makes me breathe a little easier. Walk a little lighter.

And feel a little guiltier.

Because I’m really not sure if I’m making excuses or making decisions.

For the past few years (ever since The Great Life Upheaval of 2009), I’ve been looking for a way out of teaching. It’s not that I don’t like the classroom, it’s that I would like a career that doesn’t put me in a literal box on a regimented schedule. I would like a venture that isn’t quite as susceptible to the party line of politicians seeking election. I would like a path that utilizes all of my skills. And I would love the opportunity to procure an income based upon my performance and value rather than one that is determined by a spreadsheet.

And so, about a year and a half ago, when friends and Brock encouraged me to obtain my real estate license, I was intrigued. I have always had an interest in real estate and I knew that I had a skill set that would match. But I was also cautious; I had trouble seeing how I could realistically build a real estate business and teach (especially given that I refuse to teach at anything less than my best) at the same time.

But I was convinced. Assured that it was possible. That the hours and demands were complementary.

And so last summer, I threw myself into it. I networked. I completed the continuing education requirements. I drew up a marketing plan. I became versed in the surrounding communities.

And then my few weeks of freedom came to a crashing end once classes resumed. Instead of keeping up with the market, I was keeping up with my students. I fell further and further behind.

But I continued to hope that somehow it would work and I would be released from the classroom the following year.

This entire year, I’ve struggled. I’ve put effort into real estate when I could. Which was never as much as I felt I should. When I tried, I felt frustrated because of the limitations of time, energy and knowledge. When I didn’t try, I felt guilty for my lack of effort.

I feel like I’m just not trying hard enough. After all, everybody said I could do it. So it must be my fault that I can’t seem to get off the ground.

But I’ve discovered a strange thing. The more effort I put into trying to get out of teaching, the less happy I am in the classroom. When I allow myself to be professionally consumed by teaching, I am more content with where I am.

I’m at a crossroads right now. In another week, my summer officially begins. This is when I can dive into real estate without limitations.

But I’m realizing I don’t want to.

I don’t want to build when I know I’m going to hit a wall again when school resumes in late July.

I don’t want to compromise and give clients or students less than my all.

I don’t want to spend the summer trying to escape when I am already under contract for the next school year.

I don’t want to keep brushing off inquires about the status of the real estate venture. Inquiries that always make me feel like a failure.

And I’ve been more okay about teaching lately. I don’t feel as underpaid now that I am finally receiving my full pay after spending an average of $16,000 per year for the past five years on ex-husband related expenses. I feel proud as I watch my former students graduate with honors from prestigious universities. And I feel honored when students’ eyes fill with tears as they say goodbye to me at the end of the school year (I even had one check back in for 7th period on Friday just to say bye!). And, even though the current testing and teacher evaluation system is asinine, I feel appreciated when I receive positive feedback.

I think I want to walk away from my foray into real estate. At least for now.

But I feel like I’m letting people down.

Those that believed in me.

And the me that believed in me too.

Because I’m not sure if I’m making excuses or making decisions.

I don’t really know if I’m being honest that I can’t build it while I am teaching, or if I’m too afraid to try.

I’m uncertain if I should try harder or walk away.

I have a few more days of commitment to the school before the year officially wraps. I’m going to give myself those few days to make the decision.

To try harder or to walk away.

Related: Quitting vs Letting Go