Coping With Divorce – You Don’t Have to Do It Alone

Posted on by stilllearning2b

A F.A.Q. Guide to the online course, Thriving After Divorce: From Victim to Victor.

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Why did you create this course?

When I was in the early stages of my own divorce, I was desperate for help and yet frustrated with what I found. Every resource seemed to only apply to people who were undergoing “good” divorces. And mine was anything but. I wanted to create something that would help people regardless of the specifics of their situation and that could help people learn from (and move on from) even the worst situations.

Who can benefit from this course?

Do you feel like you’re merely surviving in your life and you want to fully thrive? Do you feel like the end of your marriage is still defining you and you’re ready to create your own meaning? Do you still find that you are overwhelmed with emotion that sneaks up on you and you want to regain a sense of control? Do you know where you want to be but you feel stuck where you are (especially due to factors outside of your control)? Are you tired of using your divorce as an excuse and you’re ready to learn how it can be your inspiration? Do you need a helping hand or a kick in the rear (or both!) but you don’t have the time and/or money to invest in traditional coaching sessions?

Then this course is for you.

Although the term, “divorce” is used throughout, this course is beneficial for anyone who has been through the end of a relationship and feels as though they are not living as fully as they can.

What can I expect to get out of the course?

After completing the course, you will gain a greater sense of responsibility and control over your own life and happiness by realizing how much power you have to change your responses. You will develop tools and strategies to address the negative emotions that arise and build confidence in your own strength. Finally, you will be able to gain a greater understanding of how your divorce fits into your larger life picture and perceive the lessons hidden within.

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How is the course organized and what does it contain?

The course is organized into 12 modules. Each module consists of two video entries that provide background information, motivation and inspiration.

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The videos are followed by a Call to Action, which give you specific strategies to address the focus of the module. These are divided into three sections: Think (affirmations and quotes to help shift your thoughts), Write (a total of 7 journal prompts per module) and Do (easy-to-implement, concrete actions that put your thoughts and writing into action).

Why did you chose these 12 areas?

These 12 areas grew out of my coaching practice and interaction with readers. Over the past several years, I have found that these are the most common areas where people feel “stuck” after divorce.

Why do you include journaling in the program?

I am a strong believer in the benefits of journaling, especially when it is designed to encourage forward thought and action. The words we say to ourselves truly have power, especially when they are written. It is the bridge between thought (where it begins) and action (where the magic happens).

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There are two types of writing exercises in the course. The first is a journal following my three-section design: past/pain, present/problem-solving and future/hope. You are provided a prompt for each section that helps you purge the negative emotions, process your thoughts and leaves you excited about the potential. The second type of exercise is in the form of an unsent letter. You are provided with a prompt and the addressee for each one. It’s amazing how powerful it feels to express your thoughts to those that harmed you – even if the draft remains unsent.

Don’t worry if you’re not a writer. These are personal exercises and the benefit is in the doing, not in the craftsmanship.

Do I have to commit to a certain schedule or sequence?

This is the beauty of a digital coaching course – you complete what you want, when you want. Although the modules do build upon each other to some extent, they are completely autonomous and can be completed in any order.

How long does it take to complete the course?

To fully complete the course and participate in all of the exercises, it will take a minimum of a few months if you work at it consistently. Or, if you prefer, you can participate as the need arises. Again, the course is self-paced and personalizable to your needs.

Can you tell me more about the platform? Is it secure? Can I use it on my phone or tablet?

The course is available on Udemy, a well-known and well-respected teaching and learning platform. You can access the program at any time on your computer via your browser or through a free app on your phone or tablet.

Does my access ever expire?

Nope! You have unlimited access whenever you want!

I’m doing the program and I have a question. Is there support available?

Sure! You can either start a discussion on the course site if you want the input of the community or you can email me if you want my support.

You’ve put your life on hold long enough.

Start living today!

Why settle for good when you can be even better?

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How to Deal With Sh*tty People

Posted on by stilllearning2b
how to deal

They’re out there.

The sh*tty people.

Those that pull others down. Act without regard for others. Use and abuse those around them.

They come in almost endless varieties, from the loud insults of the overt jerks to the subtle undermining of the covert abusers. But regardless of their particular guise and preferred delivery, sh*tty people have one trait in common – wherever they go, they spread negativity, leaving the world worse for having encountered them.

At some point, you’re going to meet one. Or maybe even marry one.

And it’s good to know how to deal.

And how not to become one yourself.

Call The Behavior Out

When someone is acting sh*tty, tell them.

For those of us that are conflict-averse, it can be all too easy to bite the tongue and hold it all back in the interest of keeping the peace. When it comes to sh*tty people (as opposed to good people simply having a sh*tty day), keeping your mouth shut is a tacit sign of approval. And if you hold it in too long, you’re only going to allow your own internal pressure to build.

Be clear. Be specific. And be safe. Sh*tty people can react strongly when called out.

Clarify, If Needed

Explain why the behavior is not acceptable. Define the boundaries. Provide examples if asked.

Learn how boundaries and compassion can work together.

Limit Repetition

They’ve heard you. You’ve clarified until they understand you. And yet the behaviors continue. That means one of two things:

They know that they are acting sh*tty. They feel badly. And they are struggling with changing.

Or, they know they are acting sh*tty and they don’t care.

In either case, what good can come from continually berating them for their behavior?

Stuck in a Bad Marriage? These Are Your Three Choices

Wear a Raincoat or Get Out of the Storm

Do you have to allow this person in your life? If they are continually acting sh*tty without regard for others, sometimes it is best to walk away.

If this person is somebody you have to deal with, figure out how to shield yourself from their assaults. Perhaps you keep your distance or limit the interactions. Don’t worry about being nice in this case, worry about making sure you’re okay.IMG_5937

Don’t Track the Dirt

Just because you’re surrounded by sh*t, doesn’t mean you have to step in it.  Don’t allow yourself to become a vector for negative transmission. Make sure you maintain perspective and don’t allow the sh*tty person to convince you that you are worthless or defective. Counteract the negative influence with positivity wherever you can.

Dealing With the Entitled Ones

Dealing with sh*tty people is never easy. It is never fun. It forces us to take a stand and push back or take a step back and let go. And even though it is an experience that nobody ever wishes to have, it can lead to amazing personal growth as you become stronger and wiser.

After all, isn’t compost really just sh*t?

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Don’t Smile Until Christmas

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“Don’t smile until Christmas,” I heard a seasoned teacher explain to a first-year educator while we were awaiting the arrival of the students on the first day.

It’s a common nugget of advice amongst educators – be strict in the beginning and then allow yourself to relax once the students understand (and hopefully follow) the rules.

It’s a common nugget of advice that I have intentionally ignored for the duration of my career. In fact, I actually aim for the opposite, trying to smile as much as possible in the beginning. Let me explain.

There are essentially two ways that you can get a gaggle of teenagers to do what you want them to do (for the most part, at least) – You can use a fear of consequences to hold them in place. Or, you can use the power of relationships to make them want to rise to please you.

The first approach is easy. At least in the beginning. You simply project an aura of power and dominance over your classroom domain and ensure that the students are aware that they are lacking in power. It takes no time, other than the investment needed to swiftly mete out consequences for any infractions. And it often works. At least to a point. To an outside observer, the students appear to be doing what they should.

But inside they’re often rebelling. Only they are too afraid to show it.

And so they wait. And in that first moment that their teacher shows any weakness, any vulnerability, they often pounce. Trying to regain some of the power over their own environment. It ends up a crazy dance with the teacher afraid of what the students might do if given space and the students afraid of the teacher. It’s a precarious balance.

The "therapy dogs" in my classroom:)
The “therapy dogs” in my classroom:)

The second approach requires an enormous investment of time and energy in the beginning. Rather than crown him- or herself the reigning sovereign, the teacher seeks to build relationships with the students from the beginning. Not with the goal of being seen as “nice,” but with the intention of seeing the swarm of students as individuals and allowing them to see their teacher as human as well.

And the effect of that relationship can be amazing. Students that never cared about their own schooling, all of a sudden exert more effort because their teacher cares about them and they in turn, care about how their teacher perceives them.

The most powerful consequence can become simply the words, “I’m disappointed in you.”

Not only does this approach require time, it also requires courage. It means that the teacher does not attempt to hide his or her vulnerabilities. It means that classroom power is not reserved only for the one with the biggest desk. And it means a release of control, accepting the limitations of influence over another.

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Relationships of a different nature often follow one of these two pathways as well. I see so many people approaching dating with the, “Don’t smile until Christmas” attitude, laying down their requirements with an iron fist and staying safely tucked behind their walls. They seek to control in order to limit risk. They want to wield power in order to limit the potential for pain. They assume the worst and react before any action.

They believe they are in the driver’s seat of the relationship, but really fear has the wheel.

And maybe it can work for a time. After all, fear is a powerful motivator.

But it’s also a precarious balance. After all, fear keeps us small and often we’re rebelling inside. Just waiting for an opportunity to try to regain some power.

It’s harder to approach relationships from a place of less-than-complete control. It’s scary to accept the limitations of influence and the possibility of loss. But it’s also amazing what can happen when people are allowed and encouraged to grow.

Why wait until Christmas?

Smile first.

Assume the best of people.

And just maybe, you’ll get it.

How Do You Respond to Stress?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

My plants are stressed.

After the crazy cool of July 4, Atlanta has settled in to a solid month of above-average temperatures and below-average rainfall. And my plants don’t like it.

Some have responded by going dormant, their bodies shrinking upon themselves and all thoughts of growth or blooms shuttered for the season.

But others have a different response to the stress. Rather than giving up, they’re choosing to give it all they’ve got. Using the pressure of the less-than-ideal conditions as a motivator to try something new.

How do you respond to stress? Are you folding in and shutting down or are you trying something new?

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My tenacious plants seem to rely on one of three strategies: creating seeds, sending out shoots or digging in deeply. Not surprisingly, these are the same basic stances I see in people who thrive after stress.

Creating Seeds and Preparing For Tomorrow

The imaptiens seem to know that their life is coming to a premature end. They accept that there is nothing that can be done to preserve the life they’ve had and instead of wasting their energy on a futile task, they are diverting it into the seeds that will begin the next generation.

In our lives, there are times when we have to accept that one chapter has ended. And we also can benefit from putting energy into creating the next phase instead of relentlessly trying to preserve what it already gone.

Sending Out Shoots and Seeking a Better Environment

The shrubs that surround my yard are desperately sending out new shoots, small plantlets carried out from the mother plant on thick rhizomes that stubbornly bury through the soil. The shrub simply knows that the soil where its roots are situated is too dry and that the exposure to the baking sun is too intense. Its own body is anchored and so it explores via outshoots, looking for a more hospitable environment.

Unlike the stationary shrub, people are able to manipulate their environment or leave to seek out a more favorable one when the pressure grows too intense. And people that thrive after stressful events make finding and creating that nurturing environment a priority.

Digging In Deeply and Feeding the Soul

In the spring, when the weather was wet and mild, the new daylilies kept their fibrous roots near the surface. Under those ideal conditions, they were able to obtain everything they needed from just those few inches of soil. But as the conditions intensified, the plants sent their roots deep into the soil in search of water and nutrients.

Thriving people also understand that when the going gets tough, the tough dig in. They accept that what was enough to feed the soul in the good times may no longer be sufficient. And so they root down into their core beliefs. They search to find and tap into their purpose. And they don’t stop until they have reconnected with their life force.

Because when the going gets tough, the tough get growing.

Avoiding Loss

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I have to laugh at myself.

My new car came with a 3 month free subscription to Sirius Satellite Radio. I’m very familiar with the service, as it fell under the “must have” umbrella for my ex. For the two years that I had it in my old car (he “needed” the family plan to have access in all the points he wanted, so service for my car – and the hand-me-down system from his upgrade – were essentially free), I grew to really love it.

But I never loved it enough to pay for it. When he left, so did my service and I returned (and adapted) to world of free radio.

But now I have free access to the good stuff for three months. A normal person would enjoy the heck out of it for the 12 weeks and then quickly brush off its cancellation at the end of the term.

I’m not normal.

I don’t want to adapt to the better programming again only to lose it within a short period. And so I’m pretending that I don’t even have the option of the service. I’ve been very happy without it for the past six years. In fact, when it’s not right in front of me, I’m not even aware that I’m missing anything.

I enthusiastically embrace much of life with all of its loss potential (I’m looking at you, love and marriage), but I just can’t stomach the though of inflicting another needless loss on myself.

Been there. Done that. And I’ll pass on a repeat, thanks.

This post is not Sirius-approved. I don’t think their marketing department envisioned this outcome with their inclusion in every new Kia purchase. Sorry, guys:)