Why We’re Wrong When We Talk About Trust

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Whenever I go to a climbing gym, I always follow the same routine. I pick an easy route and pick my way through the handholds until I’m at a height that causes my breath to come just a little faster and my brow to start to moisten. And then I intentionally let go.

Not to fall.

But to feel the security of the ropes and my partner on the ground catch my weight and hold me aloft.

And once I’ve learned to trust that I won’t fall, I am willing to climb.

If only life were so simple.

———-

I used to view trust as a simple concept. Black and white. You either trusted someone. Or you didn’t. A person either earned your trust or deserved your mistrust.

And I trusted my ex husband. Completely. Totally. The trust filling any gaps like caulk around a window, not allowing for any passage of sharp and biting winds.

When I said I trusted him, I meant that I believed that he would never do anything that would intentionally harm me. I was convinced that he would always be there. And that his future actions would always be as loving as his past ones. I felt secure in my trust. I felt secure because of my trust.

We speak of trust as though it is an absolute.

A guarantee.

That when someone is branded as “trustworthy,” that they are safe. Incapable of causing pain through actions or motivations.

And wouldn’t that be amazing? If we could have some sort of promise that the people around us would never hurt us. Never stir up doubt. Never cause us suffering.

Amazing. And also impossible.

Because trust, like love, is organic. Breathing and changing. Described in actions rather than words. And more like the ebb and flow of the tide than the still waters of a static lake.

Because no matter how honorable a person is, he or she will falter sometimes. There will be oversights that cause harm to another. Mistakes that lead to pain. Decisions made without sufficient consideration. And moments of pure weakness and conceit.

Trust doesn’t mean the person will never hurt you. It doesn’t offer a money-back guarantee against the cold and biting winds of the world.

Rather, a trustworthy person will admit to his or her shortcomings. Be willing to take responsibility for any mistakes and work to correct them. Trust isn’t about never screwing up. It’s about owning up.

We speak of trust as being earned. And it is. When actions match words. When commitments are kept and promises honored.

And I think that’s where it’s easy to go off course. To assume that at some point, the deposits are made and the trust is ensured. As though the previous actions were collateral against harm.

We all desperately want to feel safe. Secure. We want some assurance that the way things are now is the way they will always be unless we act to change them. And it’s easy to confuse trust with surety. To believe that promises made will never be broken and that there are people that we can always depend on no matter what.

But that’s not reality. From the loving and well-intentioned parent who makes a poor decision for his or her child without fully considering the effects to a spouse who underestimates the impact of his or her words on a partner, we will all hurt and be hurt.

And when that occurs, we feel as though our trust has been breached.

And maybe the problem is that we focus too much on trusting others.

And not enough on trusting ourselves.

Trusting that we will see what is around us.

And be able to handle anything that comes our way.

There is a reason that the phrase, “blind trust” exists. When we focus too intently on trusting others, we lose sight ourselves. We either become complacent or suffer an anxious suspicion that can never be sated.

Learning to trust again after betrayal is less a matter of finding a person worthy of trust (although that is certainly a key element) and more about listening to your own emotions, intuition and instincts.

It is accepting that trust is no promise against pain and that there are no guarantees in life.

And most importantly, trust is believing in yourself.

It’s not a place of security, but rather a place of calm.

Where you may not always know what is coming, but you know that you have what it takes to face it.

———-

I’m often asked how I’ve been able to trust again after the immense betrayals of my ex. It is a process. And sometimes it’s not so smooth🙂

My ex was quite brilliant about covering his actions – I saw pictures of the auto show he was supposedly working only later to find that he was on his honeymoon and the photos were culled from the internet. His phone was always accessible and unlocked. I can only imagine that there was a second device used for the second life. The mail was intercepted. The phone line cut. I was carefully isolated from the truth so slowly and so gently that I never even knew it was happening.

And the lingering effects of that gaslighting mean that I have a very difficult time accepting even what would seem like “proof” to anyone else. I always have (and probably always will have) that slight tug that whispers that maybe what I am seeing isn’t real.

And so I’ve worked hard to separate the anxiety from the past from what I am actually seeing in the present. I’ve learned to listen to my gut and trust it when it tells me something is off. And I’m no longer blind; my brain is always assembling little bits and data points, ensuring they line up.

Throughout, I’ve been very careful not to give in to suspicious and snooping behavior. First, I think that it only feeds anxiety and mistrust and secondly, I believe that it creates a toxic environment for any relationship. There is a difference between spying and seeing. The former leads with the assumption of wrongdoing whereas the latter leads with an open mind.

I mentioned earlier that finding a trustworthy person is also a component. Here are the characteristics of my now-husband that have made it easier for me to trust:

-He does not hide from uncomfortable truths. And he openly admits his screw-ups.

-His initial words are often unpolished. Sometimes, this may sting, but it is also evidence that the words were not carefully chosen and rehearsed to elicit a desired effect.

-He trusted me early and often. I have found that people who are distrustful of others are often hiding something themselves.

-He doesn’t hold back secrets. I always know of my birthday present (or any “surprise” present) the moment he clicks on “submit payment.”

-His friendships are lasting and he demonstrates intense loyalty to them.

-And the funny one – He struggle with attention to the little details. And after the carefully-crafted facade my ex built and meticulously maintained, I find comfort in this:)

But at the end of day, all of that is just the supporting evidence. It ultimately comes down to trusting myself to see if there is a problem. Trusting myself to make the right decisions.

And trusting myself that I’ll be okay no matter what happens.

Trust doesn’t mean that you’ll never fall.

It means that you have faith in yourself to get back up.

Every Season Has Its Blessings

Posted on by stilllearning2b

My plants look tired. The once-green foliage has become yellowed from the demands of growth amidst the heat of the summer. Many of the blooms have gone, leaving only the bare stalks as a reminder of the previous bounty. Even the trees look weary, their spotted and pock-marked leaves dulled before they take on the brilliant hues of autumn.

I always feel a restlessness along with a surge of energy around the changing of the seasons. In my area of the country, each chapter in our trip around the sun overstays its welcome by just a few short weeks. And then it bows out, leaving the door open for the next visitor.

Of all these shifts, the slide into fall is perhaps my favorite. I love the crispness in the air, at first only hinted at through early morning breezes before the heat yet again dominates the day. I delight in those few days where a cold wind rustles the changed leaves, blowing them around like the bills in a money-grabbing booth at a fair, all under the still-warm sun.

I love the turning inward that naturally occurs as the temperatures drop and the days shorten. It’s a season where we cast aside the grand gestures and events of summer for more intimate and cozy affairs. It is a time of open windows with roaring fires. Of goosebumps over still-exposed skin with a warm mug nestled between the hands.

I see fall not as a shutting down, but as a necessary slowing down. A time to exhale the pace of summer and breathe in the richness of the season. It’s a time for gathering and preparing. For taking stock and making plans to survive the winter and celebrate the upcoming spring.

Every season has its blessings.

And that is true in our lives as well.

Divorce often heralds in the onset of a sudden and harsh winter. There is a dearth of shelter and the ice threatens to permanently encase your heart. The nights seem to grow until they touch each other, leaving only the barest glimpse of light between.

But what of the blessings?

From Winter Does Not Have to Mean Discontent:

The end of a marriage reminds me of a winter landscape.  All is laid bare.  The adornments and filigree are gone, leaving the structure exposed to the biting wind.  Its beauty is found in perspective.  In appreciating the rough nature of the bark, showing its scars and wear.  In gazing at the complexity of the interconnected branches in wonder.  In seeing the potential in every limb, every bud.  In imagining the new growth, just barely hidden below the surface, that will be revealed by the touch of the warm sun.

The winter of a marriage is also a time for viewing the underneath, what is left when all the distractions are stripped away.  It is a time to see yourself, your marriage, as it is, not as it may appear.  It is also a time to daydream about what can be and what can grow.

It’s so easy to become impatient with where we are and gaze longingly at where we want to be. There is nothing wrong of dreaming about spring even as winter sets in. Yet peace comes from accepting where you are and recognizing the blessings found within the season you find yourself.

Every season has its blessings.

Opening the Heart

Posted on by stilllearning2b

In yoga, it is believed that the hips are the emotional energy center of the body. The place where all of the past pain and trauma accumulates, clogging our well-being like leaves in a gutter.

And I think yoga is onto something.

For the most part, I gravitate towards an active practice, vinyassas that leave me sweaty and panting with muscles trembling from the challenge.

But those are the easy classes for me.

The hard?

Yin hips.

Yin is a form of yoga where you move your body into a particular shape or pose and then you hold the pose for an extended period of time, often somewhere between 4 and 10 minutes. The poses themselves are not difficult. In fact, they are designed so that you can maintain them with a minimum of energy.

So what makes yin hips so difficult?

The mind.

For the first two minutes or so of a pose, I’m simply learning to drop in. Feeling the edges of the stretch and focusing on my breath. And then inevitably, I realize that I’m gripping. Tightening where I should be releasing. And I start to consciously let go.

And it’s difficult. The hips spring back at the slightest suggestion of “Too much; I can’t do this.” from my mind. It’s as though they’re afraid of release. Afraid of letting go.

And so I breathe. And tell myself it’s okay. I can let go.

And by the time I uncurl myself from the form, I can feel structural changes in my hips. An openness where once there was only a blockade.

A freedom.

It’s a lesson that has to be repeated at regular intervals. Left to their own devices, my hips yet again contract and withdraw. Hiding from the fear of the pain and the discomfort of release.

And so I remind them again that happiness is found in the softening and accepting, not in the false whispers of hiding and protecting.

In yoga, it is believed that the hips hold our emotions. That there is a direct line between the hips and the heart. And I think they’re onto something.

Because opening the hips is exactly like opening the heart.

And it is at once the most challenging and the most rewarding exercise of all.

Namaste

Pushing the Reset Button On Stress – Five Steps to Help You Unwind

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I’m no stranger to stress. As a Type-A+ person geared towards anxiety in a fast-paced and often stressful job, I’ve had to get adept at taking my body and brain from “Argh!” to “Ahhh” in the most efficient way possible.

Over the years, I’ve played around with various strategies for downshifting after a long day or a long week. Some (like venting to a spouse or coworker) might feel good in the moment but don’t contribute to a release of stress in the long term. Others (like meditation) are awesome tools, but are ineffective when used at the wrong time.

I became more aware of my stress and intensity level at the end of the workday when Brock and I instituted a new procedure last year. Before driving home, I would text him my “number,” a digit from 1 to 10 where 1 is napping in a hammock and 10 is performing CPR. He then sends me his number. My goal is to try to be no higher than a 4 as soon as possible after the final bell.

This system has motivated me to get more efficient at ramping down my stress. Below is the stress-busting system I have implemented over the last few months. I have found that these steps in this order effectively take me from a higher level of intensity to a lower level. They’re flexible, filling the time you have and adapting to your particular situation. On a really rough day, you may need all five steps. On an easier day, maybe you reach “Ahhh” much sooner.

Take a look. Give it a whirl. And let me know what you think 🙂

One – Move

feet-538245_1280The first step in releasing stress is getting out of your brain and into your body while starting to let go of any stored and stuck energy. This can be as complex as structured exercise or as simple as a walk down the hallway.

Bonus Points – Exercise Outside

Much of stress comes from a feeling of being confined, boxed into whatever circumstances surround us. So get out. Literally. Feel how small and inconsequential your concerns are against nature’s backdrop.

Two – Escape

kindle-381242_1280Get away from your stress and into another world. Play (and sing along!) to music on your commute. Watch a favorite show (we’re currently bingeing on Game of Thrones). Read a book. Complete a crossword or play some Angry Birds. If you have a tendency to escape too long, set a timer and give yourself a limit. The escape is a break, not continual avoidance.

Bonus Points – Write

Writing not only acts as an escape, it also allows you to purge and process. This is especially important if your source of stress is ongoing or requires that you change something.

Three – Release

runner-690265_1280Let it go. Massage your shoulders and roll them back down into place. Stretch your arms and work out the knots. Do some yoga, whether it be a full class or just holding a pose for a few moments. Try some version of a backbend; they’re delicious when you’re stressed.

Bonus Points – Sex

Whatever sex means for you. It not only serves as a physical release, it also releases hormones that relaxes the body and it is great at resetting the mind.

Four – Breathe

sky-114446_1280Focus on your breath and work to both slow it down and deepen it. If you’re still holding on, inhale through your nose and exhale loudly through your mouth. Aim to complete at least 10 focused breaths.

Bonus Points – Meditate

I often find that when I’m stressed, it can be difficult to do my usual meditation and that guided ones seem to be more effective. I especially like short ones that include body scanning as it helps to release any residual tension.

Five – Play

beach-863139_1280Play simply mean allowing yourself some unstructured time. Follow your instincts. Ideally, this play should be disconnected from technology, as too much stimulation and information keeps the stress going. If you have kids, play with them.

Bonus Points – Create

Allow your creative side to flow. It taps in to your core self and reconnects you with you as you let go of the day. If you have kids, create with them. It’s a gift for all of you.

I know this might sound overwhelming (which is the last thing you need when you’re stressed!), but it can really be quite streamlined on typical days. Here’s how it might look on a normal day for me:

Move – I usually do a bigger workout later in the evening, but I’ll do a few squats before I leave my classroom (during rough years, I’ve even kept a kettlebell in my room) and then I’m mindful of taking advantage of my walk to my car, paying special attention to the feel of the sun (unless it’s the winter!) and fresh air once I leave the building.

Escape – I listen to something either engaging (NPR or a digital book) or funny on the way home.

Release – Once home, I lay on my back with my legs up a wall for a few minutes and let the aches of the day start to fade.

Breathe – While my legs are up the wall, I focus on slowing my breathing. I often will turn on a chant on my meditation app that gives me a cadence to aim for.

Play – I pick up the tennis ball and throw it around for Tiger for a few minutes.

Total time invested? 40 minutes, 30 of which is my commute.

Value to quality of life? Priceless.

What “I Need Space” Really Means

Posted on by stilllearning2b
I need space

“I need space.”

Whether you have been on the receiving end of these words or you have uttered them to your partner, they are three of the most uncomfortable words in a relationship. They are loaded words, filled to the brim with uncertainty and fear. They may signal a time of transition and renewal or they may be the death knell of the relationship.

The words themselves are simple. Three short syllables.

The feelings and motivations behind them are complex. Multifaceted.

And often left undefined and unspoken.

———-

I want out and I’m too scared to say it.

This is the response that the recipient of these words often fears and sometimes it’s accurate. A request for space can mean that the person is already done but instead of giving a clear, “No,” they are clouding the issue with a muddy, “Maybe.”

I feel like I’m losing myself and I need to take a step back to define myself again.

When couples are together for an extended time, the lines delineating one from another can blur. A request for space can be a sign that interdependence has slid into dependence and one partner is seeking more independence.

I want to be able to have some parts of my life that are separate from you.

Sometimes this is motivated by a desire to hide things from a partner that they would disapprove of (affair, addictions, porn, etc.) and other times it is simply a need to have some areas of life where the partner doesn’t have influence. Not telling your spouse everything is fine. But not if it’s something you are actively hiding.

I’m overwhelmed and I need room to breath.

This overwhelm can come from anywhere – work, school, kids. Some people require more alone time than others, especially when life’s demands become too much. This is a plea for quiet.

I am feeling panic about increasing intimacy and vulnerability and I need space to acclimate.

I often describe increasing intimacy in a relationship like coming up from a deep dive. You have to pause and acclimate occasionally. If you climb too far, too fast, it will make you feel unstable. This is one of the 7 reasons that people may withdraw in a relationship.

I need to direct my energy to other things for a time.

Maybe it’s an ailing family member or a huge project at work. When something is pulling all of our energy, any additional requests for attention can be too much. A relationship can survive attentions that are directed elsewhere for a time. But it cannot last forever.

I feel like you’re making me responsible for your happiness and it doesn’t feel good.

Repeat after me, “It is not my partner’s job to make me happy.” And if you try to make it their job, don’t be surprised if they decide to quit.

I’m reminiscing about a more free period in my life and I’m trying to decide if commitment really is for me.

Ahh…the hallmark of the so-called midlife crisis. We look upon our youth with rose-colored glasses. And sometimes, we try to return.

I’m trying on the idea of life without you to see if fits.

This is the spouse that hasn’t shut the door on the relationship but they are not convinced of its viability either. This is the partner that wants the security of home base and a little space to wander outside its fences before making a choice.

———-

If you’re the one asking for space, be aware that the mere suggestion of these words may incite panic in your partner, causing them to grasp you ever-tighter, thus creating the opposite of the space you requested. Be honest and forthright in your underlying motivations. Be as comforting as you can. If you are not contemplating leaving, reassure your partner of that. If you already have one foot out the door, do not give your spouse false hope.

Being on the receiving end of, “I need space” is a scary world, a land in limbo where you watch and wait from afar. It’s easy to see this declaration as the first step off a cliff and respond by gripping with every fiber of your being. Easy, but also counter-productive. Your partner isn’t saying they need to know you want them. They’re saying they need you to loosen that grip and let them fall or fly on their own.

Also, understand that sometimes the words have nothing at all to do with you and with the relationship. Be open to idea that the pressure may arise from an external source or from prior history. Ask questions to see if you can get to the root cause and be patient as your partner tries to sort it out.

If you find yourself in this place, turn your attention to your own well-being apart from your partner. You cannot control his or her actions and decisions, but you also don’t have to stand idly by as you wait for information. Invest in yourself; it pays dividends.

“I need space” is a landing between floors. It is a brief period of stasis before you either climb to another level or exit the stairwell of the relationship.

It’s a time to catch your breath.

To see your journey clearly.

And decide which direction you will go.