Three Great Resources to Help You Through Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

DivorceForce

What It Is This is a relatively new site (soon to be accompanied by an app) that seeks to be the “point person” for those going through divorce. It can be anonymous (in fact, they suggest you create a new email to use when you sign up) and provides relevant articles as well as discussion groups for everything from same-sex divorces to how to handle financial issues. It allows for the sharing of wisdom that comes from  “If I only knew then what I knew now.”

Who Will Benefit This site has great promise to be beneficial to anyone who has ever been touched by divorce, whether you just discovered your partner is leaving a few minutes ago to trying to work through unresolved pain years later.

What I Like About It As someone who endured an atypical divorce, I appreciate this site’s inclusiveness and diversity. Additionally, I am excited about the hyper-local information that can be shared about state laws and even what to expect with particular attorneys or judges. And finally, in a world where it feels like businesses seek to prey upon the wounded, this one really feels like one that wants to help.

With My Kids App

What It Is This app allows for you to privately document all issues surrounding your kids, from activities to expenses. It is designed to be shared with the courts for assistance in custody dispute cases and to help with co-parenting arrangements.

Who Will Benefit This app is indispensable for anybody who is facing a malignant divorce with children in the picture. It allows for the easy collection and display of data that can be helpful in court. And its use doesn’t end when the case does.

What I Like About It This app was created by three people who have been there, done that. They get it.

Guidelines For a Divorce Journal

What It Is This is different than the type of journaling I often discuss. These are recommendations from an attorney for a no-nonsense way of keeping records during divorce.

Who Will Benefit Have you ever been through the divorce process? Most people haven’t until they find themselves in the midst of it. The amount of paperwork is daunting (and so are the lawyer’s bills). These guidelines help you prepare and organize, which may make your divorce go more smoothly.

What I Like About It It feels doable and helps to focus your attention on what matters through the legal process.

Subtle Signs You’re Being Manipulated By a Covert Abuser

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Covert abuse is sneaky.

It doesn’t leave a bruise on your cheek.

Or cut you down with scathing words.

Or even obviously isolate you from others.

Instead, it wisps in slowly through tiny cracks. Velvet-trimmed lies whispered into trusting ears. The smoke builds until you no longer remember what it is like to see clearly and your head is filled more with the thoughts of your abuser than with your own.

It’s often only possible to identify covert abuse once you have escaped its clutches (and even then, it usually takes a period of months or years to fully grasp what happened). It’s like a domestic form of Stockholm Syndrome, the persecutor masquerading as a protector.

The following are the subtle signs that were present in my ex husband. Small dots of data that when connected, paint a crimson flag of warning. If you see a preponderance of similar signs in your relationship, it warrants further investigation. If you recognize these traits in your former relationship, it can give you some information that can aid in the healing process.

These signs are subtle and can have many causes and manifestations. Just because someone fits these descriptors, it does not mean they are covert abusers or narcissists. But it does mean that you should look twice. Especially before you leap into marriage with them.

Continue to read the rest.

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What Makes a Marriage Successful? (And Why Divorce Does Not Mean Failure)

Posted on by stilllearning2b
marriage successful

What REALLY makes a marriage successful? I’ve always found it funny/sad how we classify marital success purely by its duration. I mean, imagine if we applied this same metric to other areas of our lives –

She was a really great student – she was in school for fifty years!

He was an amazing dog, but he was a failure as a pet because he died before he turned ten.

It was a wonderful dinner. The service was so slow that the meal lasted for hours!

I’m afraid I have to give the book only one star because it ended.

Pretty crazy, huh?

So why do we then so easily apply this faulty logic to marriages? Classifying them as failures if they end and successes if they persist?

I think we all have seen (either from within or from the outside looking in), marriages that go the duration yet are filled with contempt, isolation and misery.

And we have all witnessed relationships that were once strong and fulfilling come to a premature end as the individuals or the circumstances changed.

Yet in our cultural lexicon, the first couple is heralded as a success (and sometimes even asked for their marital wisdom) while the latter is written off as a failure.

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Perhaps it’s time to reevaluate what makes a successful marriage.

Because it is certainly both more complex and more challenging than simply managing to hold on to one another for a lifetime of journeys around the sun.

In a successful marriage,

You both play for the same team. You know that there will be disagreements about how things should be done. But rather than view your spouse as your opponent in these arguments, you see him or her as your ally in life.

The good interactions outweigh the bad. There will be rolled eyes and hurt feelings. And they will be smothered by hugs and positive words.

You share common goals and values. Even when you take different paths to get there.

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Support is given freely and challenges are presented. You don’t seek to change your partner; you want to enhance the best parts of your partner.

A growth mindset is present. Both for the marriage and for the individuals that comprise the union. Each person learns and grows in response to struggle and success.

Mistakes are perceived as opportunities. And the actions are condemned. Not the person.

There is a balance of independence and interdependence.

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The difficult conversations happen. And problems are perceived as a challenge to overcome together.

Each person takes responsibility for his or her own stuff. And each person is willing to carry more than his or her share when the situation demands. Because there will be days when the commitment to the marriage is greater than your commitment to your spouse.

A legacy is left, either by the children born from the union or the others inspired or influenced by the couple. A successful marriage is greater than itself.

And here’s the hard part –

A successful marriage accepts when it is no longer successful. It is willing to make the agonizing decision to pull the plug rather than condemning both people to live in the diminished world of a marriage on life support.

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Now it is true that no good marriages end in divorce.

But it is also true that the marriage that ended may not be the same marriage that existed for some time before.

It’s not just about the number of years.

It’s more about what you do with those years.

And if that marriage brought a smile to your face and eased your burden,

If that marriage challenged you to learn and grow,

If that marriage taught you what it was like to share a common dream and common goals,

If that marriage opened your heart and made you feel seen and understood,

If that marriage made an impact on others,

If that marriage pushed you and tested you,

If that marriage made you realize that nobody else can make you happy,

If that marriage taught you what you don’t want,

If that marriage inspired you to never again allow anyone else to reduce your worth,

If that marriage taught you how strong you are,

Then that marriage was successful.

No matter how long it lasted.

Or how it ended.

Take the lessons and move on.

Because the only failed marriage is one that you refuse to learn from.

Related:

Why I Don’t Want a Perfect Marriage

10 Contradictory Qualities of a Good Marriage

This Could Get Interesting

Posted on by stilllearning2b

My husband is obsessed.

If he’s not engaging in it, he’s watching it. Or thinking about it. Or often talking about it.

Sometimes he’ll even abruptly stop whatever he is doing and request that I assume a prone position on the floor so that he can test out some new idea.

And I begrudgingly acquiesce.

Not because I care at all about Brazilian Ju Jitsu.

But because I care about my husband.

Ju Jitsu (BJJ) is simply the latest in a string of martial arts mistresses that my husband has courted since his teenage years. And she is currently tempting him with a black belt held at such a distance that he will reach it in the next couple months.

I’ve never shared his passion for BJJ or any of the marital arts. I respect them. I appreciate them. But they hold no particular allure for me.

But it’s about to get interesting.

Somehow, while watching season 4 of American Horror Story last night, we struck a deal.

I attend three BJJ classes.

And in return, he will engage in four activities of my choosing.

The ground rules were established:

  1. Open minds must be maintained.
  2. Bitching will be kept to a minimum.
  3. The time exchange should be comparable (Ex. 1 1/2 hours BJJ does not equate to 8 hours of tiptoeing through the tulips – not that I’d want to spend a day tiptoeing through tulips anyways).

This could get interesting.

Although we share many common interests (hello, Korn concert this week!), we also have significant areas of our lives where there is little overlap. Parts of our worlds that are largely unknown to the other (although I’ve seen more of his world – both work and play – than he has seen of mine).

I’ve watched enough BJJ to last me a lifetime. But now I have to get on the mat and face the constrictor-like art personally.

Wish me luck.

As for his activities, I immediately decided that I want him to accompany me to the botanical gardens.

And maybe visit a local museum that has an awesome Egyptian exhibit as part of its permanent collection.

But for him to really see my world, I would need to get him into the school. So that he can experience the intensity of 1500 middle schoolers in a contained environment. In these days of increased school security and filled-to-the-brim curriculum, that’s easier said than done.

But I have an idea. My school puts on an amazing Veteran’s Day assembly where students are able to invite relatives who have served. And my husband has served.

He can be honored for his time in the military.

And experience the deafening roar and barely-contained energy of 1500 120-lb hormonal 2-year-olds (what I always compare my students to) in a school gym.

Oh yeah, this could get interesting.

The Theory of Relationship Relativity

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It wasn’t all that long ago (in fact, almost exactly 3 years now) that I wrote about the years spent with my first husband versus the time I had spent up to that point with my now-husband:

I received the text just months shy of our tenth anniversary. The divorce process being what it is, the marriage persisted after the ten year mark. The wedding was never the year we marked, however. We always added six to go back to when we started dating. So, by the time it was over, we had been together for sixteen years. That was half of my life.

It felt like my life odometer had been abruptly and violently forced back to 000000. It was painful, but it was also frustrating. It felt like those were miles wasted on a pointless journey that was aborted before its intended destination. The consistent rolling of the numbers indicating the length of the relationship felt purposeful. They spoke to where we had been and where we were going to go.

When my boyfriend and I reached the six month mark (an important period that frequently delineates casual dating from more serious partnerships), he commented on how long we had been together. I remember scoffing internally. Six months was nothing. I had been with my ex thirty two times that! I didn’t get it yet.

Then, one year came, again commented upon by my boyfriend. I still didn’t get it. I can be a slow learner at times.

It was strange to come across that post again. I haven’t compared the years together in well, years. Because it’s clear that it’s not simply a matter of comparing years to years.

It’s all relative.

According to Einstein’s theory of relativity, the measurement of space and time varies according to the relative position of the observer.

And it turns out that the theory is not only applicable to particles approaching the speed of light.

It also reveals some truths about relationships moving at the rate of Earth’s revolutions.

Because the further away you are, the more the time spent in a former relationship dilates.

It’s hard to imagine now that I once worried that the 16 years spent with my ex were wasted since they ended. Because now not only can I look back on those years with a smile, I am also so grateful for where I have gone and who I have become since it ended. And besides, those 16 years are starting to feel like simply a brief chapter in a full life. (Okay, it does help that it’s no longer half my life. Aging happens regardless of relativity!)

Because the further away the observer, the more the time shinks. Making the recent years feel bigger and the distant ones more diminutive.

Especially because I have so intentionally packed life into those more recent years.

And now I’m celebrating two years married to my wonderful husband later this week. :)))))

In my post from three years ago, I concluded that my relationship math had some errors:

It wasn’t until two years when I finally understood. First, due to the magic of ratios, it was now only 1/8 of the time that I spent with my ex. But, more importantly, I viewed my entire life odometer differently. I had been viewing it as the primary and permanent wheel in the center of my console, quietly ticking away through the journeys of my life. I saw the divorce as an assault on the dial, overriding the system.

Then I realized that life is rarely that linear. Our lives are perhaps better marked with trip odometers that are reset to mark the beginning of a new journey. These parallel journeys should not be quantified; the distance is not what adds to the quality. Rather, each trip should be accepted for what it is with the understanding that the odometer can be reset if needed.

I now don’t worry about sixteen years. I don’t compare times together, creating ever-improving ratios. Now, I just roll down the windows and enjoy the ride 🙂

Sounds like a good idea. I think I’ll take my advice:)