The Misuse of Affection

5 Responses

  1. I love that. My husband also comforts me when I have anxiety. He didn’t do it as much before he got sober. Now he’s over kill about it. I think he does it out of fear that I’ll be mad if he doesn’t. We should all know how to self soothe!

  2. I like this analogy a lot. I’ve made this mistake with my husband, but more the other way around. The more I comfort him in his time of distress, the more he needs me. Used to, I liked this and it was a cycle that just got worse. Now, I have to be really careful not to fall back into that cycle; it’s so easy to do, to want to comfort someone when they’re anxious, to want to fix whatever it is that is wrong. I’m trying to learn the lesson that you can’t fix a person, and a person can’t fix you; it’s all on you to do your own work, and someone stepping in only hinders that process, for both sides.

  1. November 15, 2014

    […] I am naturally prone to an excess of arousal. Throughout my first marriage, my then-husband used to respond to my alertness by soothing me, using affection and attention to lower my excitement levels. It worked in the moments, but it also […]

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