Tips for Surviving a Malignant Divorce

14 Responses

  1. lynette says:

    thank you for this post — it came along on just the right day. you are so right — no one gets it, how hard this is. today he told me he needs to start thinking of himself and his needs — as if that wasn’t what he ALWAYS did. i am being factual — he always did. no empathy at all. no ability to feel compassion. my court date is may 1st. i wish i could never ever see him again. but we have two kids. so that won’t be happening.

    i am sorry for all you have been through — your journey is amazing and inspiring, and i thank you for putting it out there.

    • The whole thing can be so crazy-making, where the words and the actions/intent are in such opposition. Stay strong over these next few weeks and I hope that court can bring you some resolution and peace.

  2. Rick says:

    “especially when your ex doesn’t play by the rules.”……..I had to hire a female attorney who also was a court approved psych. examiner. None of what was happening made sense to me so I used her as my point of reference. Divorce, was I at fault, was I a failure or was it simply she no longer wanted to be married to me? In time I came to see it as a little of each and nothing I could have done would have made it any different. It takes two. My vision of marriage as a life long commitment was shattered and yet I don’t see my self as a victim of either marriage or divorce. However, I did manage to go off the deep end, eventually, for a while.

  3. Steve says:

    Reality anchor…
    I guess I found mine this week. I had accidentally deleted a file folder on my computer, full of woodworking articles. I went to retrieve it from the recycle bin. I was shocked, angered, humiliated and hurt by the images I found in the recycling bin… Self-portraits of her (luckily one shows her face quite clearly), self portraits of others (ummm, not of their face, if you get my meaning) and a video of a male, let’s say, acting alone. These files all date back to long before she claims anything was going on. I have not addressed or confronted her with them yet but my lawyers knows about it all. Will it ultimately matter when things get decided? In Ontario family law, probably not but I will keep hidden copies until they are needed.

    I loathe her existence and aside from the affect it would have on our daughters, I care not whether she lives of dies. Her mental and emotional well being are none of my concern.

    My stomach is constantly in knots. My anxiety levels have hit consistent all-time highs and Ativan is quickly becoming my best friend.

    God I can’t wait for our first sit down with us and our lawyers. I want this over. I want her to suffer and, I want her humiliated and her reputation destroyed.

    • I remember that anger so well. I had visions of my ex suffering horrible deaths (one was not enough). I wanted him vilified and strung up in the town center for all to throw stones. When he attempted suicide shortly after being released from prison, I was only upset that he did not succeed. The anger tore me up, preventing me from sleeping, eating, or even fully breathing as the anxiety gripped me from the gut.

      I remember how enraged I would get when other advised that I would be better served letting go of the anger. I was enflamed; that was my anger. I deserved it. He earned it. How could I not be angry?

      I will not suggest that you let go of the anger. It is justified anger and no one can take it from you. At some point, you may find that you choose to let it go.

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  5. Amanda says:

    Eloquent, and srtaight to the heart of the matter. Run for your life if you can. I have 2 beautiful little girls and this is a living nightmare ALL THE TIME. There is no such thing as peaceful resolution when you sell your soul to the devil.

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  6. December 18, 2013

    […] One of the pieces of advice I give to someone in this situation is to have a reality anchor. There are days that feel like an acid trip through Alice’s Nightmareland, where you no longer know what is a fabrication and what is real. Have something that reminds you of the truth that can bring you back. I held a copy of his mugshot in my purse for months. It was my reminder that he was a criminal.  And criminals lie. […]

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