Pandora’s Envelope

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It looked like nothing special really.  A plain brown 13″ x 9″ envelope.  It sat tucked in a file drawer for two years, its brown frame slightly larger than the file folder which contained it.  Over time, the edges grew a little worn, but the clasp stayed sealed tight.  I didn’t think of it often, but when I would open the drawer, it sat there taunting me.  Haunting me.

It looked like nothing special really.  But it was.  That plain envelope contained a few sample images of my former life, pictures and memories I had not faced in years. I had imbued the images within with power, talismans of a former life. I didn’t know what the consequences would be for breaking that seal.  I feared the pictures would act like horcruxes, their sum total assembling into some great evil.

Last year, I was finally ready to find out what would happen when I broke the seal.

I made the preparations.  Secluded outdoor table at a coffee shop? Check.  Dark sunglasses to hide the tears? Check.  Journal and pen ready?  Check.  Bravery?  Check, I guess. I began to pull the pictures and letters out one at a time, recording my memories and reactions.

My ex’s first car was a ’56 Chevy.  It was a noble, yet fickle beast.  He had to carry entire flats of oil in the trunk so that he could top it off every 100 miles or so.  In this picture, we were redoing the upholstery while parked in my mom’s driveway.  The older man next door always came out when the Chevy was in the driveway and he would share memories of his 20s, when he owned the same car.

This picture was the only one that actually brought tears to my eyes.  This was Max, our Wonderpug.  We got her shortly after we moved in together and she quickly became an integral part of our family.  She was so full of spunk and spirit. We would take her camping, hiking, and swimming, earning her the title, “All Terrain Pug.”

When I found myself suddenly alone and adrift, I was completely unable to care for any my dogs physically, emotionally, or financially.  Friends and family helped to find homes for all three of them.  Giving them away was the most painful part of the entire divorce, but I had to do what was best for them.  Max was the hardest to place, as she was elderly and in failing health.  One of the amazing volunteers at Southeast Pug Rescue personally took her in and gave her a wonderful home in which to spend her remaining years.  Here come the tears again…

A family portrait with an adult Max.

We had an unorthodox wedding.  We were married on the beach in Vero Beach, FL.  The only attendees were the minister (a gay Methodist minister who looked like David Lee Roth and threatened to marry us while wearing a speedo) and the photographer, who actually worked for the newspaper.  We both cried when reciting our vows, trembling with emotion.  As soon as the ceremony was over, we removed our shoes and walked along the beach for miles.

We honeymooned on a Windjammer cruise.  Apparently I though short-alls were the height of Caribbean fashion.

It was strange seeing him in these photos.  His face no longer seemed familiar to me.  What stood out was one picture where you could see a mole on his neck.  That image, not his face, brought memories rushing back: the feel of his hands, the texture of his chin, the smell of his hair.  I examined all his images, looking for emotion.  Looking to see if his love was real.  Comparing the pictures of him then to his more recent mugshot.  It’s not the same man.

Strangely, the wedding pictures did not bring sadness.  Just a disconnected sort of reminiscence.

Not long after we were married, we bought our house.  This began 10 years of remodeling projects as we worked to make it our own.  We always worked so well together.

This was the last picture I pulled from the envelope: my cat looking out my old dining room window at the activity in the garden.  That cat is all that I still have with me from all these pictures.

The past only has power if we allow it to. By keeping those pictures hidden for so long, I built them up in my mind and made them into more than they really are. Now they they have been released from the envelope, I find  that they have also been released from my thoughts.

I only have a few pictures with me.  Most of them, along with other memories, are in a sealed  box in my mother’s attic across the country.  I’m no longer afraid to open this Pandora’s box; I know I can handle what comes out of it.

R.I.P. All Terrain Pug

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I received the sad, yet not unexpected news today that Max, my beloved pug dies this past fall.  My ex and I got Max when she was just a little puppy, 2 pounds of spunk and attitude.  She managed to pack the personality and courage of a mastiff into her little body, making sure that everyone knew that mighty Max was around.

One of my favorite early memories of her was when she was around 10 weeks old.  She could still fit in the palm of one hand.  We came home and found her curled on a pillow on top of the couch.  This was a surprise, as she had been placed in the bathroom with a babygate blocking the doorway.  The gate was still in place, but the dog was not.  Puzzled, we placed her back in the bathroom and sat outside the gate to watch.  She climbed the gate as though it was a ladder, teetered on her fat little belly on the top, and jumped/fell unto the floor.  She waddled towards us, so proud of her accomplishment.

She was a very smart dog (and extremely food motivated).  I once taught her to “crawl” in the time it took my ex to take a shower.  In her heyday, she knew the names of over 40 toys and would fetch the appropriate one.  That same food drive got her into trouble.  We only made the mistake of leaving a bag of food within her reach once.  On that day, we came home to find a half empty 30 lb bag of previously unopened dog food on the floor with a very fat pug sleeping just inside the walls of the bag.

We used to take her camping, hiking, and swimming.  Her enthusiasm and determination on these outings earned her the nickname “All Terrain Pug.”  I’ll never know how her stubby little legs managed those tough trails.  Catching deer was never her strong point, though; she would walk right by them and never even notice their presence.

She was our dog, but she was more mine.  My ex moved across the country for work and it was 7 months before Max and I were able to follow.  In that time, she and I bonded even more as we waited for our family to be reunited.  She was with me through my entire marriage, my entire young adulthood.

When my ex left, I was not able to care for her or the other dogs.  My friends and family helped to find homes for them.  Max was the challenge.  She was 14 years old at the time and already deaf and almost blind.  The pug rescue group was full and she was not adoptable.  I didn’t know what we were going to do; it wasn’t time to put her down, but I could not take of her myself.  A wonderful woman stepped up and agreed to take her.  She has provided a wonderful, loving home for my baby for the past few years. It was more than I could have ever hoped for.

Today, I am saying goodbye to my Max for the second time.  I always thought I would be there with her at the end and it is hard to know that I couldn’t.  My tears are for her passing, but mainly for the gratitude I have for her second mom, who gave her a home when I couldn’t.