Do you find yourself fixated on the past, caught up in the “what if’s” and ” I should haves”? It is so easy to get lost in that world; it is like a labyrinth made of memories, embracing us in its tangled folds. Here are some suggestions on how to escape the temporal maze and look to your future.
10 Tips to Let Go of the Past & Embrace the Future.
One of the most difficult aspects of separation is dealing with the memories. I remember on my first solo grocery shopping trip, I burst into tears at the sight of the sparkling water my husband used to buy. If I couldn’t even handle the sight of an innocuous green bottle, how was I ever going to handle the places and objects that sparked real memories?
In the early months, my primary strategy was avoidance as much as possible. It wasn’t easy, though, as I lived about 6 miles from our former home and I still worked just around the corner. I secured a P.O. box in the area for that first year and I would take the most circuitous, traffic-laden route to get there so that I didn’t have to drive by my old neighborhood. Even so, I lived with constant reminders since I was so close to the crime scene.
Even while I tried to practice avoidance with the everyday reminders, I sought to consciously layer memories of the big things, I fought to take back psychic possession of certain locations or activities that he and I had done together.I staked my claim on those memories I refused to let him have them. By revisited with others and layering memories, I could once again look at those places with fondness.
It was a surreal time. I dragged city-loving friends on hikes through the mountains. I faced the place in the airport where I last touched my ex with a date, on our way to see the Smithsonian. I went with groups of friends to the restaurant where he and I ate weekly.
At first, this layering was very deliberate, intentional. Over time, I found that it became second nature, even to the point of applying a second layer without thought. Much as one does with a sweater when the wind bites a bit too much.
Divorce and the rebuilding years afterwords are such a time of uncertainty. All of our assumptions, goals, and plans are wiped out in one swoop and we are left teetering on the brink of the unknown. It is a scary place to be, but one that is ripe with possibility. Read below to learn how to trust and just be in uncertainty.
What is the difference between mental rehearsal of an event and creating expectations for the event?
There has been quite a bit of research and discourse in the last few years about the nature and benefits of mental rehearsal for athletes and others in positions that require a demanding and skilled physical performance. They are trained to visualized their body working efficiently, picture themselves executing each move perfectly, and feel their mind and body in perfect harmony.
These visualization techniques have since been applied to other areas, demonstrating that mental rehearsal can be a powerful tool for success. Cancer patients picture their T-cells squashing the invading cancer. Surgeons mentally rehearse each step of a complicated procedure countless times before even touching the scalpel. Public speakers view themselves giving their presentation, calm and confident.
For those undergoing a major life transition, visualization can help to calm anxiety and provide hope for the future. You can mentally rehearse for your time in court, visualize yourself becoming whole and happy, see yourself in a new relationship. All of this mental energy can help you on your path to healing.
In all cases, the most important aspect of visualization as a technique to improve performance or outcomes, is that is effectiveness depends upon one’s ability to be self-aware and monitor one’s responses to stimuli.
It is important to note, that in all of these examples, the strategy of mental rehearsal focuses on the individual’s performance, not the behaviors of those around him or her. That is the primary distinction between mental rehearsal and expectations; the former depends upon actions that are largely under your control, whereas the latter is subject to the behaviors of others not under your jurisdiction.
It is all too easy to spend our mental energies building expectations. This strategy will only lead to disappointment; however, as others can never live up to their fantasy counterparts. Many times, our happiest moments are those that caught us unaware, before any expectations had a chance to take root.
Choose where you want to spend your mental energy: building expectations that can be dashed by others or rehearsing you being the best you possible. I know where I try to focus my energies; in fact, I am seeing myself running an effortless ten miler this morning even though it’s frigid outside. Now, let’s see if that image holds once I get that first blast of wind!
Do you turn your gaze when you receive a shot? Dream of a tropical island while you are on the dentist’s chair? Imagine walking on the beach while you are crushed into the seats in coach for a cross-country flight? Our minds are so good at these little disconnections, these travels away from the current discomfort. The problem is that, as with anything we repeatedly do, that mental disconnection can become a habit.
When I take an honest look back at my life, I can see that I have, at times, become too dependent upon my mind’s ability to wander. I had two years of teaching where I was completely miserable due to the circumstances at the school. In order to cope, I distracted myself as much as possible. I was not present in that classroom at all, although I still made connections with the kids and had test scores that proved they mastered the material. I knew that I was unhappy with work, but when I realized how dependent I had become on disconnected, I knew that I had to make a change. A drastic one.
Mindfulness is a highlighter. Examine your own life. When do you tend to engage in mental escape? That is a clue that something about that environment, situation, or relationship may need to change because it is causing you pain. Or, perhaps, you need to be honest with yourself about the discomfort and change your approach to it. Regardless, mentally running away from any lasting situation will not be of benefit. Bring your focus to the present and connect with what is causing you discomfort. As with studying a textbook, the highlighted areas are the ones that need more attention.
Lessons From the End of a Marriage 