Renovation

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I’ve witnessed an uptick in home renovations over the past several weeks. Home Depot is busier than ever, dumpsters fill area driveways and signs advertising handymen are planted amongst the flowers in many of the yards. As I walk and run the neighborhood streets, I keep track of these remodeling jobs. I take note of what is changing, from landscaping to paint to flooring to whole new kitchens. I celebrate when the signs of work dissipate and I envision the family enjoying their new or refurbished spaces.

But all too often, those signs of remodeling are followed quickly by a “For Sale” sign, the upgrades completed only to say good-bye. I get the freshening up of a new coat of paint before putting a house on the market. I understand that it’s easier to lay new flooring when the current furnishings are already disassembled and in boxes. But some of these remodels speak of dreams long held by the owners – additions that improve the house, adding decks or patios to enjoy the outdoors or updating a kitchen or bath that was dated when the house was purchased.

And that makes me sad. The thought of those improvements being put off until it is too late. The thought of the family settling over time and allowing the dreams for the space to fade. The thought that they didn’t make creating the best home for them a priority while they there.

Perhaps it makes me sad because it parallels what I so often see in marriages. The diet and exercise programs only undertaken after the papers are signed. The commitment to becoming more patient or more compassionate only embraced after the marriage is dissolved. Or, in my own case, the tendency to work too much only mitigated after the end of the marriage.

Just like you adapt to your surroundings in a home, you adapt to your marriage over time. You may have great goals and intentions for yourself and your life, but then they fade into the backdrop of daily noise. And so you let it go.

Until it’s time to put yourself back on the market. And then out come the remodeling tools.

But you don’t have to wait to create the change you want. Dream it. Then do it.

But you don’t have to wait to add that deck until you’re placing your house on the market. And you don’t have to wait to better yourself until you’re back on the market. Making the changes earlier only increases the return on your investment. Even if you do have to move.

Divorce and Twitter: What’s the Connection?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Links to a recent study associating active Twitter users with an increased risk of cheating and divorce filled my newsfeed yesterday. The study shows a direct correlation between heavy Twitter use and the likelihood of divorce across age ranges. Many of the pieces that featured the study implied that romantic or sexual interactions on the social media platform were the precipitating factor in the end of the union.

But I’m not so sure it’s that straightforward.

You see, our brains are not that different than mice in a lab. We like rewards. And technology has capitalized on that part of human drive and motivation. You gets levels and badges for succeeding in a game on your phone, you get a buzz or chime every time someone contacts you and, on most social media, you vie for likes and shares. Each of those interactions is like giving the proverbial mouse a treat, eliciting a release of dopamine in the brain. And, just like a mouse that receives too much cheese, those electronic rewards fatten us as well. We become accustomed to that higher level of stimulation.

And real life, including real marriage, doesn’t offer neurochemical rewards on such a frequent basis.

But cheating does.

The risks and newness of an affair bring with it an increased production in dopamine, rewarding the cheater for his or her indiscretions.

So maybe the problem isn’t really found in flirty Tweets. Maybe the problem is that we’re training our brains to require an unnatural level of rewards. And then it becomes all too easy to seek the desired attention elsewhere.

Unless your spouse has a gold star chart for on the fridge. Who knows? Maybe that will become the new affair prevention technique:)

Value Added

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When I interviewed for my current teaching position, one of the questions I was asked was to describe my value added. The interviewing committee wanted to know what worth I would bring to the school outside of the usual classroom duties. I described my passion for wellness and how I could help the staff and students with education and motivation with food and fitness. I guess my answer was acceptable, since I got the job:)

That question stayed with me over the past three years. All too often, people’s assets and strengths remain hidden. In a school environment, great leaders and planners and problem solvers often hide behind their classroom doors in an environment that may not reveal all of their strengths. And, unfortunately, sometimes liabilities are visible while assets are buried (I think about one former coworker who always missed meeting but was amazing at parent phone calls, which we rarely witnessed).

It’s all too easy to make assumptions about what someone brings (or fails to bring) to the table. But we only see a piece of the story. A part of the environment.

In a relationship, your partner may not be hiding some of his or her assets behind a classroom door (unless you’re married to a teacher, that is!), but it is still easy for strengths to hide and for you to fail to see some of the value added that your partner brings to the relationship.

I was aware of this in my own marriage this past week. I was on spring break, so I had time at home during the work week. I could overhear Brock conducting his business from down the hall and it reminded me all over again how expert he is at assertive negotiations. That’s a side of him I do not normally witness. I revealed some of my own value added by planning, shopping for and installing over 150 plants in a single day. He knew I could garden, but had never actually seen me in action. He was puzzled (about a third of them are roots and rhizomes still buried beneath the soil) but impressed.

We often fixate on what our partners don’t have; we ruminate on their weaknesses and liabilities. Next time you find yourself complaining about what isn’t there, try focusing on the value added that they bring to the relationship. If you feel like some of your strengths are unappreciated, ask yourself if they are hidden. We often assume that others are aware of all that we do, but there focus is on their thoughts and tasks. It’s okay to share your value added.

We all have strengths. Reveal them. Share them. Embrace them.

You are valuable.

And if you’re ever in Atlanta and have a talent for weeding, please give me call. I’ll be happy to see your value added:)

Rerouting

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Almost four years ago, I moved to an area across the street from a park that had a four mile trail along the Chattahoochee. I walked or ran that trail several times a week for the year and a half I lived there, often with Tiger or Brock (or both) in tow. I knew its every twist, anticipated its every turn. I could anticipate the areas that would become impassable with rain and the sections that would crack and split in the heat of the summer. I was one with the rhythm of that trail, every step metered to match its demands. I could traverse its terrain almost subconsciously, as its topography was etched into my brain.

Once we moved, my almost-daily visits to this particular trail trickled to once every couple months. On one visit, not too long after the relocation, I stopped short on a particular section of the path. The trail used to continue straight ahead, dipping down into a creek where you had to cross over carefully placed stones, before climbing again on the other side. On this day, the trail in front had been disguised, tree limbs and stones dragged onto its packed soil to dissuade use while a new trail, still rough and somewhat undefined, veered off to the right and wound around the peak, meeting up with the old trail on the other side of the creek.

I resisted the urge to blaze ahead through the old, familiar trail. Instead, I tentatively took the new route. It was narrow, even treacherous in places, as it had yet to carry many feet along its virgin soil. It felt awkward traversing this new path within a known hike. Alien. It forced my brain out of its subconscious attention into a more focused space. I had not learned where every root or every rock lie in wait to catch an unsuspecting foot. I didn’t know which rocks across the water were secure and which only offered the illusion of a firm foothold. I felt myself slow as I paid attention to every detail until I was back on familiar ground.

With each visit, that new section of trail became more worn and more defined as the old trail slowly disappeared into the woods. Today, I realized that the old trail was indistinguishable from the surrounding woods; the only way it exists now is in the memory of those who have walked its path. And the new trail is now wide and firm, secure where it was treacherous and explicit where it was was subtle.

It’s uncomfortable when our paths are rerouted. It’s natural to resist the change. Walk it enough, however, and what was new and uncomfortable simply becomes the norm.

Marital Limbo

Posted on by stilllearning2b
marital limbo

We had one of our good friends over the other evening. He was recently divorced when I met him a few years ago, although Brock knew him through much of his marriage. In the past several years, he’s been dating, at times sporadically and at other times with more intent. He even contemplated moving in with one woman not all that long ago.

So I was shocked when I heard these words out of his mouth the other night –

“I never want to get married again.”

I was shocked, not because I think marriage is the best answer for everyone. And I certainly understand shying away from matrimony after enduring the pain of divorce. I was shocked because marriage seems to fit him. He’s stable, healthy and loyal. He has goals and doesn’t shy from hard work to achieve them. He has grown as a person and has developed many healthy relationships around him. When dating, he is a serial monogamist, developing deep relationships with one woman at a time. And I’ve never sensed any bitterness about his past.

So why the anti-marriage stance?

And then yesterday, I read this post from Matt over at Must Be This Tall To Ride. He talks about the time spent in marriage limbo when he slept in the guest bedroom for over a year. I winced while reading it; it certainly sounded like a special kind of hell. Neither married nor single. Like living in a home destroyed by a flood, yet unwilling or unable to let it go.

And I thought about my friend. He lived in marriage limbo for a long time. He was married, yet in the most important ways, had no wife. They orbited around each other with little chance of connection. And when they did connect, it was ugly. The divorce, in many ways, was a relief. An untethering to a lame duck marriage.

His memory of marriage is not a good one; what was good has been sullied by the time spent in limbo. No wonder he is shying away.

My experience could not have been more different. I never spent time in a decaying marriage. I never visited that marital land of neither here nor there. I was in marriage heaven and then instantly plummeted into the fires when it ended. My bad memories are not of marriage, but of marriage ending.

So perhaps that’s part of why I wanted to be married again.

 

My curiosity is piqued – is there a correlation between time spent in marital limbo and desire to be married again? What’s your story?