It is so hard to let go of the “what ifs” the “I should haves” and the “he/she is a $#%@#.” We know that progress is forward yet the rearview mirror often keeps our eyes off the road in front.
If you’re having trouble releasing the hook of the past, read this. I liked it and I think you will too.
I’m good at feeling guilty.
It turned out that I can’t be on the note for the house we’re buying because of the financial mess (and foreclosure) my ex left me with. The broker we’re working with was awesome about breaking the news and Brock’s been great about it on his end (“I know it’s not because of anything you did. You got hosed.”) Even though I did get screwed, even though I am paying my share of the house and even though I’m the one primarily responsible for painting and packing, I still feel guilty.
Related: Marital Fraud
We are in the midst of the paperwork hell that is home-buying. And, since the note is in his name, most of the work falls to him. Now, this stuff is tedious and obnoxious for anyone, but for someone who hates paperwork and endless details, it’s even worse. While I’m enjoying my next-to-last day of summer freedom, he is writing letters, checking accounts and filling out forms that seem to reproduce faster than the common cold. He came back home (arms filled with more paperwork) from a visit to the accountant’s office just as the internet died. There is some utility work (or a dig to China, I’m not quite sure) going on down the street and they accidentally cut the phone line. Even though I’ve helped where I can, even though there are plenty of times where he is lazing while I am working and even though I am not a construction foreman, I still feel guilty.
Guilt can play an important role when it is rational. It can keep us from makes poor choices again or prevent us from making them in the first place. It keeps people honest and urges them to take responsibility.
But when guilt is irrational, when it is for things that we cannot control, it serves no useful function. So why is it that some people seem to feel too much guilt why others seem to be immune to its effects?
One of my favorite podcasts to listen to on runs is the Adam and Dr Drew Show (it’s like Loveline all over again!). Dr Drew has stated several times that a person’s self esteem is relatively fixed and innate; there is not much that can be done to alter someone’s self esteem drastically over a lifetime. Dr Drew, who identifies himself as having low self esteem, talks about how those with lower confidence tend to blame themselves when things go wrong while people on the other end of the esteem spectrum look outward for responsibility. Basically, when something doesn’t jive with our world or self view, we seek a way to explain it.
Interesting.
So if Dr Drew’s right, this is pretty much my default (get it?:) ) setting and that low self esteem leads me to carry blame.
Hmmm… but what about the idea that it’s actually ego projecting the guilt? Maybe I see myself as too central in all of this when, in reality, it has nothing to do with me. Maybe the guilt is the ego’s way of asking for attention. After all, I know I seek validation through hard work, so when I can’t work hard at something, there is no validation.
Damn.
So if that idea is right, I can learn to release the guilt by learning to let go ego (leggo my ego?). Not easy, but not set in stone either.
Related: Pardon Me Ego, I Need to Get Through
I like that idea better. It seems like a healthy way of taking responsibility.
As for today, I can’t take Brock’s load off his shoulders but I can be patient and understanding. Both with him and with me.
Have you ever noticed that children do not understand the concept of a guilty pleasure?
Sunday afternoon found me in the bath tub after the completion of a daunting to-do list. I decided to do this bath right – I had the window open to listen to the rain, a glass of wine and a newly downloaded Kindle book. I had no rush, no worries.
As I lay back into the scented bubbles, enjoying the feeling of my arms floating, cradled by the warm water, I was taken back to my childhood.
I used to spend hours in tubs – both of the hot and bath varieties – savoring the slippery denseness surrounding my buoyant frame. I would stay in the waters until hunger or a completed book drove me out, never feeling guilty for wasted time or feeling pressure to accomplish something more meaningful. On the nights I spent at my dad’s apartment in my childhood, he would knock on the bathroom door to check on me about every 30 minutes. Many nights, he made it to four knocks before I finally emerged from the tub.
I understood the concept of pleasure. But I never thought to associate it with guilt.
So why does that change? Why do I now feel guilty or lazy when I indulge? Why do I judge myself?
Part of it is out of necessity. When we are young, our parents and guardians act as our voice of reason, limiting our overindulgences (“You can only have two cookies”). We do not have to self-limit; it is done for us.
But, at some point, that regulation has to shift to us. We have to learn how to work before play and eat our broccoli before our ice cream. We become the care takers and the needs of others are placed before our own. Without that mental management, we would all be living in our parent’s homes, eating Oreo’s all day and playing video games. Well, except for me. I’d be in a bath tub with a book. And probably broccoli.
The problem is that, at some point, many of us get too good at using that internal voice. Not that we always obey it (Ever had an internal argument about if you should eat that dessert? Yeah, who won?) but that we usually feel guilty when we do not.
We indulge. But we don’t necessarily enjoy.
That dessert tastes much better when you’re not berating yourself for eating it. The hope is that the internal monologue of guilt will keep your willpower in check. That if you feel bad about the behavior, you will avoid it in the future. Reality doesn’t work that way. Rarely does guilt about an indulgence keep us in check. We just act as though it does. The reality is that our cravings for whatever the indulgence are more fully satisfied when we fully give in to the experience.
So what’s the answer? How do we balance our need for self-regulation and yet still enjoy our indulgences without guilt?
I know that I am going to let my parental mind set my guidelines and then turn control over to my inner child to enjoy the experience.
All I can say is that it’s good my Kindle has limited battery power. Otherwise, I may never get out of the bath:)
Lessons From the End of a Marriage 