Been Rejected? 6 Reasons It May NOT Be About You

Posted on by stilllearning2b
rejected

There’s no sugar coating it. Being rejected by a romantic partner sucks.

It stings when it’s a potential match on a dating site that doesn’t return your message. The rejection hurts when it comes from someone you’ve been dating for awhile. And it’s utterly devastating when that rejection originates from the person who vowed to love you forever.

One of the reasons that romantic rejection is so painful across the board is that we have a tendency to personalize it. To interpret the message, “I don’t want to be with you” as some version of “You’re a worthless and/or terrible person.” We then often follow that up with some lovely generalization – “Since this person doesn’t love me, nobody will love me.” And then our brains, happy to play along, begin to offer up endless examples and evidence to support these conclusions.

Ugh.

No wonder rejection sucks so badly.

It is so difficult to see a recent relationship and its demise with any sort of clarity. This is doubly true when there is rejection and an unwanted ending. But before you punish yourself for your shortcomings or allow yourself to wallow in a pit of self-pity, consider these possible reasons for the rejection that have little to do with your worth as a person and as a partner.

 

1 – You’re Not What They’re Looking For

Perhaps the easiest situation to face is when you’re rejected before the relationship has an opportunity to develop. At this early juncture, they are not really rejecting you because they do not yet know you.

Furthermore, no matter how utterly amazing you are, you’re not going to be the right kind of amazing for every person.

And that’s okay.

Scratch that. That’s MORE than okay. Because if you’re the type of person who is pleasing to everyone, it means that you’re not being true to yourself. And that’s a hell of lot more important than getting a follow-up text after a first date.

Sometimes this rejection happens after some time has passed. Like when you’re putting a puzzle together and you wedge a piece into place until eventually, you’re forced to admit that it doesn’t fit.

This type of rejection really is a blessing. You’re not wasting time on a person that isn’t a good match for you.

 

2 – They Are Unhappy With Themselves

Buckle up.

This is a biggie.

And so very common with people that end up cheating on their partners. Which, of course, brings with it a hefty serving of rejection.

When people are not in touch with their emotions, they become aware of their unhappiness, but they struggle to pinpoint its cause. And since it’s uncomfortable to look within and take responsibility for their own state of mind, they look to external causes.

So, tag. You’re it.

Sometimes this manifests as projection, as they paint you with everything they are struggling with themselves. Other times it may be more complex – depression, anxiety or addiction causing them to retreat. And then as the relationship suffers from a lack of attention, they blame you for being the wrong person.

This type of rejection is especially painful. At some level, you release that it’s pointless. That their snipe hunt for happiness won’t take them anywhere worth going. At the same time, it’s frustrating because you want to help them and once you’ve been rejected, you lose any influence you once had.

The biggest lesson here is not to take on their unhappiness. That is not your burden to bear. You cannot help them, so focus on your own recovery.

 

3 – They’re Bored

When we’re kids, we build up the idea of adulthood – “I’m going to stay up all night, eat junk food whenever I want and I’m going to become a [fill-in-the-blank with some high-impact, low imagined stress, big bucks kind of career].”

And then at some point in adulthood, we’re left thinking, “Is this all there is?”

Because no matter what we have going on, we are all creatures of habit. And habits inevitably become boring.

So sometimes you’re rejected because your partner has become bored. Restless. They want to throw everything out and start fresh.

Which I think is an urge we can all relate to on some level. Yet we don’t all indulge it in a reckless and selfish way.

This type of rejection really is about them. They’re not willing or able to engage with you as a team to explore how to bring more excitement into your lives. Instead, they’re taking the nuclear option and you’re in the blast zone.

Use this (unwanted but gifted) opportunity to shake up your own life. Besides, getting out of your comfort zone is a great way to rebuild your confidence after you’ve been rejected.

 

4 – Your Paths Have Diverged

How many of your friends from middle school are you still in touch with? And those that you no longer see, is that because they’re miserable people? Or unlovable?

Or simply becomes you’ve moved on in different directions?

Of course, it is infinitely more painful when your partner’s path diverges from yours. But it’s not necessarily a bad thing.

From What Makes a Marriage Successful:

I’ve always found it funny/sad how we classify marital success purely by its duration. I mean, imagine if we applied this same metric to other areas of our lives –

She was a really great student – she was in school for fifty years!

He was an amazing dog, but he was a failure as a pet because he died before he turned ten.

It was a wonderful dinner. The service was so slow that the meal lasted for hours!

I’m afraid I have to give the book only one star because it ended.

Pretty crazy, huh?

So why do we then so easily apply this faulty logic to marriages? Classifying them as failures if they end and successes if they persist?

 

This type of rejection is a loss, a mourning. Yet it may also be the right – and brave – call to make. Sometimes it’s best to finish the meal before it spoils and hold the experience in memory.

 

5 – They Are Attempting to Avoid the Work of Relationships

When the honeymoon period ends, the real relationship begins.

ALL relationships of any duration and authenticity require effort. Sacrifice. Compromise and communication.

And some people are just lazy. Or deluded.

So when a relationship hits that first gravel road of reality after the open highway, they decide that a new ride will smooth everything over.

This type of rejection is a reality-check. You deserve someone who will fight with you when life becomes tough. Instead, you’ve learned how they “handle” problems.

Your lesson here? Pay close attention with your next relationship. Look for courage, persistence and a good grounding in reality. You want the iron horse that can go the distance, not the shiny trinket that will soon tarnish.

 

6 – They’re Experiencing Shame

Shame says, “If you see me. Really see me. You won’t love me.”

And so when someone is in the depths of shame, they often reject others who get too close out of a fear of being seen – and rejected – themselves.

This rejection is tragic. They’re setting you out at the very time they need support and love the most. Yet the more you push for them to open up, the tighter they coil around themselves.

This is an opening that can only be done on their schedule. And by rejecting you, they’ve told you not to put your life on hold while they try to sort theirs out.

Depending upon the circumstances, you may be receptive to a reunion down the road if they do their own healing work. Or, you may decide that it’s too painful and you need to move on. Both are okay.

It is not your job to fix them. That’s the enduring lesson here. Oxygen mask and all that jazz.

 

You’ve been rejected.

It hurts.

It’s confusing.

And it’s scary being alone.

And yes, there may be some painful truths in the rejection that you need to accept. At the same time, don’t be so quick to assume all culpability. More often than not, the reality is somewhere in the middle.

 

I want to leave you with this, the mantra that I recited to myself every night after my husband abandoned me –

Never allow one person to determine your worth.

They may have rejected you. Don’t make the mistake of rejecting yourself.

 

Want more? Just Because it Happened TO You, Does Not Mean it Happened BECAUSE of You

An Open Letter to Those Who Have Been Ghosted by a Partner

Posted on by stilllearning2b
ghosted

I see you.

I know that right now you’re feeling insignificant and discarded. I see you standing there in utter shock, struggling to process how everything changed in an instant. The “before” and “after” alternately body slamming you with the brutal reality. I see you because I was you.

I hear you.

I know that you’re frustrated that your voice, your very right to speak, has been taken from you. I hear your silent screams into the void, the endless question of “why” echoing through the fog. I hear your voice because it follows my own.

I understand you.

I know that you’re questioning everything, running every detail through your mind, worrying each strand of memory like a loose thread. I understand the doubts that are starting to creep in, that you’re wondering what clues you may have missed or even believing that you somehow deserved this on some level. I understand you because I was in that same place several years ago.

The pain and confusion you’re experiencing are totally normal reactions to such a complete and total blow and betrayal.

Being abruptly abandoned without explanation is one of the more painful experiences that life can deliver.

And the first thing you need to understand is that leaving in that manner is a reflection of your ex’s character. Not yours. Some may remind you that relationships take two. And this is true. Yet ending it on this jarring note was a decision made without your cooperation. You may experience judgement from others. Try to be patient with them as they truly don’t understand what it’s like. Even loved ones may seem to blame you. This is often because they cannot bear to imagine this happening to them and so they need to try to make some sense of why this happened to you.

Ghosting is cowardly. Instead of having the difficult conversations and potentially seeing you hurt, they chose to run and hide. That is not healthy adult behavior, especially with a relationship of significant depth and duration. It’s not fair to end a relationship this way. It robs you of any opportunity to ask questions, much less eliminates any chance you may have had to fight for the relationship.

After being ghosted, you are haunted by the unknowns. Those endless questions can drive you crazy. Again, I’ve been there and I took that ride for a time. You may get some answers. It could be that they were seeing someone on the side or that they had amassed secrets that they wanted to keep hidden. I know the temptation to hunt for information is strong; however, I encourage you to keep this urge on a leash. Too much obsession over the reasons for their actions will only serve to bring you more misery. They gave you important information about themselves by leaving this way. Ultimately, that matters more than any details.

Are you desperately looking for closure?

If you’re finding yourself stuck by not knowing what happened like an unfinished puzzle with a lost piece, use what you know to fill in the gaps. Craft a story from the facts you have and your knowledge of your ex. You may not get it right. But it doesn’t matter. Our minds fixate on what is missing. Once you fill in those holes, it gives the brain permission to rest. Here are some more ideas on how you can find closure without your ex’s cooperation.

Perhaps the most cruel part of being ghosted is that the residual doubt and uncertainty lingers and follows you into new relationships. You can easily become anxious, desperate not to be blindsided again. And this worry can easily poison your new relationship if you allow it to simmer. It’s important to learn to trust yourself again. It’s possible that you didn’t signs in your other relationship because you were afraid of what they would mean. Trust that you can not only recognize brewing problems but that you can also face whatever may come.

I’m probably getting a little ahead of myself. Right now, you just want to know how to make the pain end. I wish I could wave a magic wand for you and release the anguish you feel. But I can’t. No one can. Not even your ex.

They are gone.

The way they went about it is cowardly and shitty. Yet the end result is the same. They are gone.

They had all the power in how they chose to end things. You have all the power now in how you choose to move forward.

I’m going to interrupt to share with you a little story about ghosts –

When I was six years old, my parents took me to Disney World. I insisted on waiting in the two-hour line for the haunted mansion ride. They indulged me (yes, I am an only child.) As we approached the front of the line, the details of the house and the spooky sounds playing over the speakers began to frighten me. Panicked, I refused to step inside the attraction.

A short time later, I gathered up my courage and decided that I wanted to brave the ride again. My parents again indulged me, only with some well-deserved grumbles this time.

It turned out that I had built those ghosts up to be way bigger and way more powerful than they were. The fear was within me. The story that they would harm me was one that I was telling myself. And when I walked back out into that Florida sunshine, I felt proud of myself that I had faced those ghosts and made it out the other side.

I know this ghost is different. They have hurt you. Deeply. Yet now they are like a projection in that haunted house – the real danger is over. What’s left is the apparition in your mind. And even that will fade as you again walk back into the light.

You will never forget “the one who ran away.” But don’t waste your life chasing after them. They are not worth your time.

Your love and loyalty and energy are better spent on those that deserve it.

And that includes you.

I see you.

I hear you.

I understand you.

And I believe in you.

Lisa

 

Want to learn more about my story when I was abruptly abandoned by my husband after sixteen years?

 

Are you looking for help recovering from being ghosted? 

 

 

The (Mostly) Unfortunate Side Effects of Being Ghosted

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Being ghosted is the relationship equivalent of the missing persons case. Except in this case, the person chose to go missing. Decided to disappear, leaving you abandoned and doubting.

Being ghosted is heartache seasoned with questions. It’s loss co-mingled with rage. It’s hard to know when to stop hoping and when to start grieving. It’s challenging to put down the mystery before the secret’s revealed and instead pick up the self-help and start to apply its principles.

Before you can move on from being ghosted, you have to understand the impact that it’s had on you. The unfortunate side effects of being ghosted:

Your confidence will take a hit as you question why you were unworthy of a conversation.

You will struggle to take others at their word and you will struggle even more with trusting your own perceptions and conclusions.

Balance between naivety and panic will be hard to find as you try to talk yourself off a ledge while at the same time looking up at the sky for the other shoe to slam into your head.

You may begin to grow towards perfectionism like a plant towards light, some inner voice whispering that you were left because you weren’t good enough.

Prior abandonment, through death, divorce or even adoption will be triggered. And the unwanted child within you will cry at night.

Details become everything. Data points to be combed and connected, looking for clues. And this is not only applied to the ghost, but to any new relationship as well.

The ghosting itself becomes a mystery, a rough stone that tumbles endlessly through your mind as you look for cracks that will reveal what happened. It’s easy to become obsessed with why it happened.

You may be swallowed by depression as the anger and blame is turned inward with no outward target in sight.

Trivial things will grow in importance – the last place you saw the person, the last word, the last embrace. They will grow until they almost overshadow the ghost themselves.

Small disappointments have the ability to become catastrophic as the ghosting has kicked one leg out from under you and it doesn’t take much to make you topple to the floor.

You’ll make sure that you can always be independent at the drop of a hat, financially and otherwise.

You become a screenwriter, crafting narratives around what happened and continuing the threads into an imagined future where you try to figure out where your ex is now.

Emotional walls are constructed in an attempt to keep one safe from others prone to disappearance. Walls that don’t discriminate and keep out the helpers as well as the ghosts.

Numbness sets in, spreading out from your frozen and shattered heart. Some days, it almost seems as though you’re outside yourself.

A fear of discord develops. After all, a disagreement can be a reason to leave.

The rituals of coming and going take on a greater importance. Reassurance that the person will return and celebration when they have.

Certain headlines and news stories catch your eye and you always search for their name.

You may fight an urge to be clingy, wrapped so tightly around someone that they cannot easily shake you off.

You scan crowds looking for signs of your ghost. It’s a bit like a horror movie – you don’t want to look, but you’re compelled to.

You respond irrationally to anything that reminds you of the precursors of the ghosting.

Rage will fill you at the unfairness of it all and you will scream at the injustice of having your voice taken away from you.

Mystery is eventually pushed out by clarity as you start to put together the pieces you were unable or unwilling to see before.

You will begin to see a distinction between you and your ghost, who you are will no longer be defined by what happened to you.

With some time and some distance, relief will begin to permeate. Relief that you’re alive. And even relief that they’re gone.

And at some point, the side effects will be gone as well.

 

For a great piece about the characteristics of ghosters, click here.

And if you want to explore the benefits of being ghosted (no, really), check this out!