Re(s)training Order

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I had to take out a restraining order yesterday.

Nope, not on my ex.

Or some crazy blog stalker.

But on myself.

You see, I have a certain behavioral tendency that I don’t like and that I want to change. And I had a chance to practice yesterday.

I came in the door at my usual 5:00. Brock and I exchanged a quick hug and a few words before he ran off to the gym and I ran off to..well, to a run. Our time was brief, but totally normal.

I came back from the run around 6:15 to find Brock tackling the garage, the one area in the house that was still unusable. He was working quickly, I guess to try to beat the clock before he had to leave for ju jitsu. But more than that, he felt distant. Unreachable. Of course, that’s my mind putting its own spin on it:)

I hung around for a few minutes to try to help before giving up. I retreated upstairs to take care of Tiger and some other evening chores.

My instinct is to press to find out what’s wrong. To question. To poke at it. I’m looking for reassurance that it’s not something to do with me and I am also looking for something I can fix.

I panic. I don’t know why. We all get frazzled. We all get overwhelmed. Lord knows, I come into the house plenty of times still carrying the frantic energy of my day and some of that bleeds out even though it has nothing at all to do with Brock. I also am very familiar with the fixation that can occur when trying to accomplish a task quickly. Hell, I did it today. I was short with a coworker when she interrupted me while I was trying to complete a study guide in the 5 minutes before the bell.

I get it mentally. But my emotions are a slow learner.

I find myself taking very frequent temperature checks of the relationship. Which is good. But it also means that I can get false readings or see a trend when there is nothing there.

I know this is a remnant of the divorce. My first marriage ended and I saw no signs. I’m petrified of missing signs again. I can be not unlike a lost driver with poor eyesight (okay, that would frequently be me:) ), slowing down and squinting at every street sign, afraid of missing the one spelled out in the directions.

But this isn’t my first marriage. I missed signs partly because they were covered and partly because I didn’t believe they could exist. That’s not the case now. I can relax. Not into full autopilot but also not the intense drive of one on a new and treacherous course.

So last night, I took out a restraining order on myself. I asked once if he was okay and then I disengaged. I trusted. I relaxed. I let him be and I let it be.

And, you know what?

It was okay.

A friend of ours came over while he was still at ju jitsu. The friend and I spent time on the porch (shocking, right?) talking about his recent trip and his relationship. By the time Brock came home, all was well. The garage was done, another item ticked off the list. Ju jitsu was enjoyed. And he was back.

Not that he ever left.

With practice, I’ll teach my brain not to create mountain ranges (yeah, I go big time) out of molehills. I’ll continue to check the temperature but also work to realize that sometimes a reading has nothing to do with anything (for some reason, this makes me think of the scene in Ferris Bueller where he uses the heating pad to fake a fever. yup, child of the 80s here). I’ll work to take the ego out of it (what, you mean something may not have to do with me???) and think of times when I am frazzled, focused or distant. I’ll apply restraint and keep myself from poking at it like some sticked-arm kid with a flattened squirrel (gross, but just about as pointless).

Just like I can still teach my old cat some new tricks, I can still learn as well. Although my retraining doesn’t necessitate the use of kibble:)

 

 

A Brief Update on Ms. Kitty

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Since having her food relocated to the basement, Maddy (a.k.a., Ms. Kitty) has developed the opinion that the basement is The Coolest Place ever. I’m sure it helps that we sweetened (okay, probably not the right word here, perhaps ‘fishened’?) the deal with plenty of kitty treats. Now, rather than us trying to cajole her down the stairs, she spends time plotting how she can get her humanoid kibble dispensers to join her in her subterranean lair. She has also (wisely) decided that my office carpet is a site more suited for early morning cuddles than for relieving one’s bowels.

And I swear she was laughing this morning as she watched from her sheltered perch her doggy brother do his business in the rain.

I call that a win-win:)

S**t Where You Eat

Posted on by stilllearning2b

My cat is displeased.

Perhaps it’s the stress of the move. Or something she does not quite like about the new home. Or the new litter box is the wrong shade of blue. Or maybe she has also developed a basement phobia.

Regardless of the reason, she is not happy and she is letting me know.

First, by using my gym bag as her litter box.

And then the dog bed in my office.

And finally, my office floor.

And now I am displeased.

I have relocated her food from the main floor down to the basement/garage level, where it now sits near her litter box. I figure that the litter box may not be enough to draw her through the kitty door and down the stairs, but I’m betting that her food is. I’m going against conventional wisdom; I want her to s**t where she eats.

And, as I was carrying her food down the stairs, I realized that I use the same strategy in my own life.

Ewww, no I do NOT store my food in the bathroom. That would be unsanitary. Besides, I can restrain myself from using the bathroom on my office floor. I’m civilized like that.

But I do link together things that I do not want to do (my s**ts, I guess you could say) with the things I do like (my kibble, perhaps). Much like I am trying to train the cat (my goodness, dogs are so much easier in this regard!), I train myself to see the link as inevitable. If I want my kibble, I have to endure the s**t.

Today, I listened to music (kibble) while grading papers (I’ll let you guess). I enjoyed coffee (kibble) while paying bills (extra s**tty). Along the same lines, I withhold my favorite socks to wear only on long runs, I save my favorite shower gel as a reward after the gym and I enter a new item on my gratitude list every time I make a payment on the debt from my ex. None of these erase the discomfort of having to endure things I do not want to do. But they certainly make it more pleasant.

S**t is part of life. But that doesn’t mean that it has to stink.

And as for the cat, I’ll give her another week. And then her bed moves down there too.

The Small Stuff (and I’m Not Sweating)

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Now that the move is complete, Brock and I have been able to shift our focus to wedding-related matters. We’ve been following up with people who haven’t RSVPed to the e-vite (maybe I should send them a GIF of a self addressed stamped envelope?:) ). I’ve been building a list of dog-friendly and vegetarian-friendly eateries in the Smokies (for some reason, this seems to be a rather short list – Asheville, please spread your influence!). I’ve made an appointment to have my hair done (even though salons are a source of strange anxiety for me) and I’ve placed the order for some Maryland crab cakes to be delivered to the cabin to surprise Brock on the eve of our wedding.

(I made crab cakes for him one year for his birthday. After nearly passing out from having my meat-phobic hands wrist deep in fish flesh, I opted for the mail order, pre-formed option. Worth every penny!).

Somehow, I managed to keep track of all the wedding related goods during the move and they now sit waiting patiently in a closet: my dress, shoes, borrowed jewelry, wedding rings and a choice of three bow ties for Tiger. Soon, they will be joined by hiking boots and walking sticks as we gather together items for our time in the mountains.

Although I’m not sure how much hiking we’ll get done.

This past Saturday, we enjoyed our first lazy afternoon in I-don’t-know-how-long. We napped (even me!), lazed around on the bed, enjoyed some non-linear, non-goal oriented conversation and topped it off with a great dinner. I know I said exhale last week, but this was the first true exhale. And it was awesome.

And I chose to let it stay awesome even when the small stuff threatened to interrupt.

As we were discussing the details of the wedding party weekend, I realized that I had neglected to order a cake (a simple sheet cake from Publix and a baby “smash cake” from a local gluten free bakery for me – go ahead and laugh at the image of me “eating” a cake like a one year old!). I started to add it to my mental to-do list and then stopped. Looked at the detail. Decided it wasn’t worth it, and dropped it.

There will be no declarations at our celebration of, “Let them eat cake.” If they want cake badly enough, they can walk next door to Publix and get some. As for me, I’d rather spend the time visiting with people I don’t see much than risking hyperglycemia from some heavily sugared concoction.

I used to let details bother me; I sweated the small stuff so much that I could have earned a second degree in Pressure Acquisition and Management.

But not anymore.

It’s like my divorce was one big application of anti-perspirant, putting all of the small stuff in perspective and highlighting its relative unimportance.

And, right now, it’s more important for me to enjoy my new home and husband-to-be, plan great lessons for my kiddos and welcome my favorite season (why, oh why does Starbucks not have a light version of the pumpkin spice latte…I haven’t had one in four years, but I’m not sure I can hold out much longer!) than it is to worry about details like cake.

Although, don’t worry dad, I haven’t forgotten the detail about picking you up from the airport.

Inside Out

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I made the mistake in my prior marriage of attributing too much to outside factors.

(Side note: I think our words of choice are quite telling. I’ve gone from saying “my marriage” to “my first marriage” or “my prior marriage.” without any thought. Interesting. On a side side note, only 2 1/2 weeks until the wedding!)

And there were plenty of external factors to blame in the final year of my marriage. On my side, I was dealing with a horrific work environment and working long additional hours doing math tutoring. It was easy to understand why I was stressed and burned out; I allowed myself no time to relax. On my ex’s side, he was facing a scary health crisis, uncontrolled hypertension, that was defying an underlying diagnosis and treatment. He had experienced several episodes of losing consciousness and frequently felt ill.

When he seemed “off,” I blamed it on his fear and his illness.

When I seemed anxious, I blamed it on my borderline-abusive situation at work and the associated stress.

It made sense that he would be scared of his medical condition and what it might mean. It made sense that I would be carrying stress about work.

But those were merely scapegoats for the trouble within. I believe his illness was caused by the tension of maintaining the facade he created. I think I wouldn’t allow myself to relax because some part of me was scared of what I would see if I did.

The problems were inside of each of us but it was so much easier to point fingers at the outside.

But that’s not to say that the outside not impact what happens in a marriage. After all, no relationship occurs in a vacuum. I’ve been reminded of this recently (luckily in a good way!) with Brock.

When we first moved in together, I joined him in his town home. There was some stress involved. First, I was the new one in his established space – never an easy transition. Additionally, the place was on the market and so we knew that our time there was limited. The next house, the rental we just left, allowed us to jointly establish space, yet the general disrepair of the place as well as his mourning the loss of a home that he had personalized, added some negative energy. And, now for the first time, we are in a home together that we both feel good about and can establish from the beginning.

And it’s changed us.

There were certain behavior patterns or traits with both of us that I had viewed as innate, internal. But now that we are happy in our space, those patterns are changing after only a week. For the better. Although we both have generally positive attitudes about temporary situations, the stress of unsatisfactory housing had its impact.

I had been blaming the inside when this time, the fingers should have been pointed outwards.

So what’s the lesson in this?

Relationships are built upon a complex interplay between internal and external factors. It makes no sense to discount the impact of either when trying to understand or improve a situation. The outside influence can be used to your advantage, thus the often-heard recommendation to take a vacation to reinvigorate a flagging relationship. It can also harm a relationship as it applies external stressors. Don’t be too quick to place all blame on the outside but also don’t neglect its influence. The reality is that most issues in a relationship have internal and external factors. Pay attention to both.

In math, we use the acronym “FOIL” to teach the multiplication of binomials. It stands for first, outside, inside, last. This same acronym can be modified for relationships:

First, outside

Inside, last.

Meaning, first look to outside influenced on your relationship. Often times, just recognizing their impact can make a difference. Other times, you can actively work to change your environment. But then, look inside and make sure that you’re aligned there as well. If you only take one perspective, you’re only looking at half the picture.

As for me, I’m happy to be on the far side of 2 1/2 years of housing stress and I’m enjoying where we are in this moment. Both inside and out:)