How NOT to Be a Victim

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“Let me introduce you to the victim advocate,” offered the policeman who had arrested my husband the day before.

I stopped short. That was the first time that word – victim – had ever been applied to me. I certainly felt victimized. My partner of sixteen years had just abandoned me with a text message, stolen all of my money and then committed bigamy. Yet even though I was still in the acute phase of suffering, I startled at the application of the word “victim.”

Because even though I had been hurt, I did not want to see myself as a victim. Although it felt good for the pain and unfairness to be recognized, the term also made me feel minimized. Read the rest of the post here and learn how NOT to be a victim.

 

When to Ask the Hard Questions?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When I first entered the online dating arena 4 1/2 years ago, the choice of providers was simple. I was warned away from OKCupid’s “hook-up” culture (which, from what I hear, has shifted in the years since). eHarmony rejected my “separated” marital status and, besides, they promoted themselves as the site used to find a spouse, which was NOT what I was looking for at the time. And Plenty of Fish only seemed appropriate if I was looking for a future in cradle robbing.

So, Match it was by default.

Their system at the time was pretty straightforward. After paying some money and completing a profile, you could either wink or message people and have the same done to you. The messaging was free response, which led to some interesting emails but also allowed for a quick weeding-out of the potential date pool. I received countless messages like the following:

You have a nice butt. I’d like to meet it in person.

 

Is that a recent picture? The last chick I met looked hot in her photo but was fat in real life.

 

Hi. You look nice. Id like to meat u.

 

Even the more thoughtful and thought-provoking responses didn’t provide any true character or relationship information. All they did was act as a first-level screen, sifting the debris out from the potential gems. The real getting-to-know you happened later.

 

In a conversation with a friend yesterday, I learned about eHarmony’s methodology. After a wink, you have the option of asking your interest a series of questions selected from a list. These are hard-hitting questions, the type that are important, yet frequently overlooked in the early, heady days of lust.

When you are in a relationship, how much alone time do you need?

 

How do you view gender roles?

 

Now, the part I find interesting, is that these are all multiple choice questions.

All you have to do is click on your selection.

No explanations.

No bigger picture.

 

Personally, I have mixed feelings about this approach. I love the fact that eHarmony encourages people to think about the traits that really matter in a relationship (yeah, apart from the butt). However, I have limited faith in the authenticity of a multiple choice response and I fear that people may be rejected for a simple answer to a more complex question. Nuance reduced to a letter.

What are your thoughts? Do you/would you prefer a more natural, open-ended format or do you like the pre-screening of the real questions first?

 

Taking Candy From Strangers

Posted on by stilllearning2b

My usual grocery trip this morning was anything but usual.

There were four lines open, four registers with glowing beacons welcoming customers.

But only one register had a line.

Employees kept trying to persuade the queued customers to relocate, to shift a few feet to the right or left in order to shave ten or fifteen minutes off their wait.

All refused.

And when they turned their faces towards me, I could the tears in their eyes.

You see, this was not a usual day.

This was Mary’s last day.

I met Mary almost three years ago when I moved and first visited that store. It was just chance, that first meeting, her register was open and the line was short. Her smile that day was genuine. Her “How are you?” was more than just a memorized line uttered for the benefit of management. Her gaze alternated between the groceries she scanned and the customers she served.

That was chance. The rest was intentional. My grocery trips were timed around Mary’s hours. I looked forward to our weekly visits. Our friendship was built in ten minutes a week, milestones exchanged and stories told over produce weighed and coupons scanned. We learned to read each other, able to tell at a glance what kind of a day the other was having. She was one of the first to learn of my new marriage and one of the first to recognize when I was headed for work overload. I learned of her struggles and triumphs as we dialoged and celebrated.

Yet, in many ways, we remain strangers, limited by the constraints of the environment where we rendezvous.

 

But some of the most important people in my life have been relative strangers.

Some of the most touching kindness has come from people I barely know.

From the policeman that arrested my ex husband.

To the gas station clerk that frequently comped my morning coffee during that year of tear-stained cheeks.

People that touched my life more than they will ever know.

 

We have expectations of kindness when it comes to friends and family. When the expectation is met, we are satisfied but not surprised.

Yet with strangers, we lead with no expectations. So when they reach out with kindness, it is even more remarkable.

A hand extended out of compassion rather than obligation.

 

So thank the Marys in your life and strive to be the Mary for someone else.

Forget what your mother taught you. Life is better when we take candy from strangers.

 

Sacrifice

Posted on by stilllearning2b

There’s a simple reason most diets ultimately fail.

 

Mindset at the outset.

 

Most diets possess at their core a sense of giving up something that you want. Relinquishing that which you desire.

A sacrifice.

But we don’t view sacrifice as simply releasing something from our lives.

We see it as a trade. A bargaining tool. A giving up of one thing with the promise of gaining (or, in the case of dieting, losing) something else.

The rational mind realizes that the short-term denial of dessert will lead to the longer-term goal of a smaller waistline.

But the rational mind isn’t always at the reins.

And the more emotional brain steps up to the podium to present its case:

I went to the gym today. I deserve a cookie.

I ate well at breakfast and lunch; dinner out won’t kill me.

And those statements are literally true. A single cookie won’t derail a diet. Indulging at a single meal won’t make much difference. But it rarely stops there.

The problem comes from our deeper psychology. Because when we feel deprived, panicked that we may lose something, we quickly go from scarcity to splurge.

So, before any diet books are purchased or points tallied, the successful “dieter” begins with the mindset. Shifts the thinking from a perspective of paucity to one of abundance, focusing on what is to be gained rather than the feared losses. When approached from this angle, it’s amazing that what once were viewed as sacrifices, simply become matter-of-fact. The martyr mindset is replaced with an appreciative one.

This sacrificial mindset doesn’t only derail diets.

It also derails relationships.

When someone approaches a deepening relationship or marriage focusing on what is being given up, it creates a sense of loss and lays the groundwork for future binges.

Yes, relationships require change.

But healthy ones demand compromise.

Not sacrifice.

You’re not giving up.

You’re growing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Loving the ADHD Brain

Posted on by stilllearning2b

On one of our early dates, Brock and I loaded Tiger in the car and drove a few minutes away to a trail along the river. Almost immediately upon arrival, we realized that there was no leash in the car. While my brain was stuck on the idea that we had to drive back to his place to retrieve a leash, his brain, quickly and smoothly, had already solved the problem. Without a word and with no hesitation, Brock popped open the trunk, removed the strap from a briefcase-style work bag and promptly attached one of the hooks to Tiger’s collar.

I was impressed.

And I told him as such while we began our stroll. And his explanation made me laugh.

“I’m good at getting myself into predicaments, so I’ve had to learn to be good at getting out of them.”

At some point in childhood, Brock acquired the label of ADHD. As I’ve discussed before, I see labels as a type of shorthand. A sticky note version of reality, meant to give an overview and then to be discarded once the person is known in his or her entirety.

In the case of our relationship, the label was helpful in the beginning because it helped give me some framework for our differences and helped me develop an understanding of the bigger picture.

Before we started dating, I was no stranger to ADHD. As a teacher, I have several kids a year that meet the clinical diagnosis (and, yes, many more that don’t seem to yet are still labeled and often medicated). I have friends who qualify and so I’ve seen the strengths and struggles the diagnosis provided with work and family life.

But it’s different when it’s your partner. For one, it’s much harder not to take it personally. It also becomes something that you have to learn to work with rather than fight against, as that battle only feeds frustration.

From the beginning, I was impressed with how aware of his ADHD Brock was and of the strategies he implemented in his life to mitigate its impacts. Wrestling and martial arts allowed him to bleed the excess physical energy. Self-imposed structure helped to reduce forgetfulness or impulsivity. As with the leash incident, Brock became adept at problem solving in the moment, working around any minor catastrophes instead of letting them derail him.

He was an expert when we met. I was still a novice.

But I think we’ve done pretty well at navigating ADHD in the context of a relationship. We laugh more than we snarl and we’ve found solutions where they could be found and understanding where there is no easy answer.

As with any label, the people who live under the umbrella of ADHD are not all alike. They have their own personalities and experiences that greatly outshine the characteristics that tend to come with the label. Nonetheless, there are certain traits that are commonly associated with ADHD. And without understanding, these attributes can have a negative impact on a relationship.

As with anything, your perception is your reality. If you see the deficits in ADHD, your focus will be on the struggle. Each deficit or difficulty also has an asset. Strive to see the gifts and your focus will shift.

 

Difficulty: Distractibility

Asset: Multi-Level Processing

The ADHD brain is receiving and processing information at several levels simultaneously. Whereas my brain my looks like a four-lane freeway, his looks like a busy interchange. It took me some time to truly appreciate how much Brock is listening (and considering), even when his attention is divided. At first, I took it very personally when he would pick up his phone or interrupt with a random observation while I was talking. But those disruptions were not because of a lack of attention or interest on his part; he was simply vocalizing what happens in his brain much of the time. I’m often amazed at the conclusions or solutions he can arrive at while attaining to other tasks.

I’ve started to master his rhythms and learned when he is more likely to be operating at multiple levels and when he has an easier time focusing on one. I’ve become comfortable with being assertive about asking for focus and attention. And, I’ve discovered that our best conversations often occur while we are moving, the body’s actions helping to still the mind.

The flip side of ADHD’s distractibility is the capacity of the person to have hyper-focus. It’s amazing what can be accomplished during these periods. Just stay out of the way and let it happen:)

 

Difficulty: Forgetfulness

Asset: Problem Solving

 

This was the upside I first discovered on that walk with Tiger. I was so impressed because coming up with a novel solution in a pressured moment is something I struggle with. In fact, one of the reasons I like to plan so much is so that I don’t have to be put on the spot!

This difficulty definitely has its frustrating side. I frequently find myself engaged in hunts for remotes, keys, wallet, phone…you name it, he’s lost it. But it always turns up again and, while we’re looking, we may as well laugh about it. The long-standing joke in our house is that I find some perverse pleasure in hiding his belongings when he’s not looking.

But we have also witnessed the amazing responses of strangers, from the countless restaurants that have called regarding his wallet left behind to the man who found Brock’s keys and tracked him down through a PetSmart tag.

And its blessed me with an ease I now carry. I no longer feel as compelled to over plan and over stress. I trust that he’ll be able to find a solution even if we forget something. And that’s pretty cool:)

 

Difficulty: Neatness

Asset: Acceptance

 

This was the biggest stressor for me. My preference is for a neat and clutter-free environment. In my first marriage, everything in the house matched and the home was always picked up and everything had a place. It was easy; my ex and I had a similar threshold for messiness and we worked together to maintain that ideal.

With Brock, that state of neatness is simply not attainable. He makes an effort, but the ADHD brain is simply not as tuned in (or bothered by) clutter as mine is.

Cabinet doors remain open, clothes litter the bedroom floor and random items clutter the kitchen island. He’s not messy in a normal sense, he just leaves a trail behind him because his brain is working on other tasks. It used to drive me completely crazy. The clutter would make me tense, my anxiety increasing with every stain or sock.

But then I adapted. And I accepted. And, you know what? The house may not look perfect, but I’m relaxed. I learned tricks to hide the inevitable stains like buying removable covers for the throw pillows and replacing the white kitchen towels with black ones. I implemented a few systems to help with organization. I have my own bathroom and my own office, so I always have a couple spaces that don’t sprout clutter. I don’t worry anymore about creating perfection before a friend comes over, which leads to many more visits.

We made a joint decision before I moved in that we would hire someone to clean once a month. That investment is critical for us; it keeps a cluttered house from becoming an issue in the marriage. I love the feeling when I come home right after the house cleaner leaves. And now, I accept that it won’t last so I just appreciate it in the moment. And then just let it be 🙂

 

 

Difficulty: Impulsivity

Asset: Fun

 

I live my life largely by plans and procedures. Even my lists have lists. But the most fun I have comes in those unplanned moments. And Brock is great at those.

The first time he caught me off guard was very early on in our relationship. I was working on moving out of my friend’s house and into an apartment and I had just discovered hundreds of dollars of unpaid utility bills left by my ex. I was upset (understatement) as I was trying to come to terms with yet another financial assault. I pulled into Brock’s driveway, shaking and teary-eyed with anger. His response? He flipped over into a handstand and made a goofy face at me. I couldn’t help but laugh, the anger dissipating with my smile.

We actually balance each other really well in this area. He speaks planning well enough that we can sketch out vacations or schedule dates. And I’m flexible enough to change that plan. We make sure the important stuff gets done and we’re not afraid to have some unplanned fun along the way. Spontaneity keeps life interesting:)

 

Every relationship has its challenges. Every person brings areas of weakness and of strength into the partnership. It’s worth taking the time to learn how to work with those differences. And maybe even appreciate them. I know I do.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go hide his keys:)

 

I liked this description of what it’s like living with ADHD.