Seasonal

I grew up in South Texas, which basically has two seasons: “knocking on the gates of hell” (where you risk 3rd degree burns just by simply going barefoot)  from about March to October and “I can wear jeans without suffering heatstroke,” frequently called “winter” by the rest of the country. Occasionally, a third season makes a brief appearance when the region receives five years worth of average rainfall in five hours and the interstates turn into swimming holes.

I never really understood seasons as a kid. Fall was marked by the start of the school year and the appearance of jack-o-lanterns (which usually looked as though they needed sunsreen and a fan) rather than by any real drop in temperature. Instead of arriving on the wind in a series of brisk cold fronts, the temperatures slowly seemed to moderate. The lows became a little lower and the highs seemed to struggle to reach their apex before the sun set. Winter was defined by the addition of Christmas lights and luminarios to the fronts of the houses, projecting a cozy ambiance even when you’re in shorts. The deciduous trees held stubbornly to their leaves until spring, when the new growth pushed off the old. Spring, a sign of renewal and life in much of the world, is the season of caterpillars and tree dropping in South Texas. At least until the temperatures grow too hot again for the trees to even bother with such things as leaves.

There were benefits to growing up without seasons – you could camp during fall and winter breaks, a winter coat was an indulgence rather than a necessity, and we used to have “heat days” off school when it was too hot for the busses to run. Nonetheless, there is something to be said for nature’s reminders of the inevitability of cycles and the impermanence of life.

I am now on my fifteenth autumn in Atlanta. And today marks the first day where fall is carried on the breath of the wind through the trees. I celebrated this morning with pumpkin pancakes and a pair of new running shoes.

There’s a slowing, a sense of turning inward, that accompanies the fall. I associate it with reading and cooking and hiking and writing by an open window. I’ve always felt a rebirth in the fall, perhaps because it marks the end of the intense heat and humidity that often terrorizes Atlanta towards the end of the summer. It’s literally a breath of fresh air.

I have fallen in love with the full expression of each season found here. I enjoy the sense of inner nurturing and scaling back in the autumn, the gatherings around the hearth in the winter, the strength of life in the spring and the pure exuberance of the summer. Just as one tires, the next moves in.

I love the reminder that change is inevitable and that every transformation has its own beauty.

And I also appreciate the fact that I can wear jeans in September without succumbing to heatstroke:)

Happy fall, y’all!

Not Fade Away

I’m feeling sentimental tonight. I’m listening to some of the music from my teen years. Not the metal, but the folk. The stuff I was raised with and the notes that soothe. I used to listen to these CDs all the time. With my ex. Now, I rarely remember to unearth them from the closet. But I should. Because some memories fade but the music never does.

Here’s one of my favorites from Trout Fishing in America, appropriately called Not Fade Away. Hope you enjoy:)

Comparison

My ex and I were very compatible with the roommate stuff.

Brock and I? Not so much, especially at the beginning.

But even with that being said, I have never wished that Brock was more like my ex in this regard.

Because not only would that be pointless.

It would also be poisonous.

Rather than comparing the two men, I recognized that my experiences with the first made me skilled in some areas and deficient in others. I didn’t wish Brock kept house like my house; I realized that I had never learned to negotiate housekeeping with someone else.

So it was a challenge.

And challenges can be met.

 

It breaks my heart a little every year when I meet new students that have siblings that have passed through my classroom. The first words out of their nervous mouths are, “I’m nothing like my brother/sister.” I always reassure them that I don’t compare siblings and that I’m excited to get to know them for who they are, unclouded by the impressions left by their kin. I instruct them to tell their brother or sister “hi” for me, and then I intentionally push them out of my mind. Because when I’m getting to know the new student, the former ones don’t matter.

 

None of us like to be compared to others, especially when it’s rigged for us to come up short. But it can be difficult not to compare as you transition from one relationship to another. It’s so easy to place the partners side by side and measure the qualities of each. Easy, but also damaging to your new relationship, especially if your partner feels as though he or she can never measure up. It may feel like a party of two, but if you’re always comparing, there’s a third person in your partnership.

 

Find yourself comparing? Try this.

Be intentional and mindful about the traits and characteristics you want in a partner before you begin dating and work to refine your desires as you meet people. If you choose an apple, don’t complain that it doesn’t taste like an orange.

Focus on your new partner’s strengths, especially those that were not shared by your ex. Celebrate what is now compatible or easy where before there was stress or strain. We all have gifts we bring to table. Don’t be so focused on what is lacking that you neglect to see the riches.

When you find your ex in your thoughts in a comparing way, remind yourself why you are glad they are your ex. Maybe they were better at small engine repair than your new partner, but that seems pretty silly when you consider they slept with your best friend.

Accept that you cannot change your partner no matter how much you compare. Rather, work to adapt yourself to meet the new challenges present in any emerging relationship. Comparing cuts. Try growing instead.

When you find the partners side by side in your head, picture them side by side in front of you. Pretty uncomfortable, huh? Exactly. Kick one of them out. Preferably the ex.

 

 

 

 

When You Wish Upon a Star

When my ex walked out the door, he took my dreams with him.

He carried out the trips we had planned over dinners and walks, running over them with his car until they were but black marks on the street.

He hefted the retirement daydreams onto his back and launched them in the dumpster as he drove away.

The house plans and projects were sent through the shredder before being addressed to the incinerator.

He even stuffed his pockets with the small yearnings, the desire to grow old together and to watch our world evolve.

He took it all.

 

The first dreams I built were solo dreams – a desire to see the Smithsonian (done!) and a commitment to take time to play more (check!). I couldn’t look too far ahead nor could I trust that another would be there. So I kept the dreams small and close or vague enough to adjust to whatever reality presented.

Even once married, I found myself tentative to speak of long-range plans. Hesitant to believe in lofty dreams. It was though by not speaking them or even thinking them, I avoided tempting fate. Prevented a thief from yet again raiding my hopes and dashing my dreams.

 

This weekend I didn’t just tempt fate, I seduced her. On a quiet weekend away, Brock and I spent hours discussing thoughts and desires for retirement, speaking our dreams and discussing our plans of how to make it happen. We spoke of homes and trips. Pensions and deductions. As we continued to talk and refine our ideas, I found excitement slowly replacing my ambivalence. It felt amazing to believe in a future again. To take steps and share visions.

And to believe that not every wish is stolen before it can come true.

 

I was able to make that wish in a very special way this weekend. After struggles with horrible vision for most of my life, new lenses and a small, dark town allowed me to see the stars for the first time in twenty years. Never say never.

 

 

It’s Not You, It’s Me

One of the unexpected gifts that I gained with a tsunami divorce is that I didn’t have my ex around to target. I mean, sure I blamed him, but that only took me so far and eventually I had to focus on what I could impact – myself. I’ve carried that perspective into my new marriage; when something in the relationship needs tweaking, I adjust myself rather than looking to change my partner.

This article on Psychology Today presents some great ways to shift your focus in a way that can help you improve, whether you’re in a relationship or in the fallout of a relationship.  Because the best part of accepting your responsibility is that you have the power to change it.