The Storm Before the Storm

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Today was supposed to be the easy day. The calm before the storm of two weeks of standardized testing that begins tomorrow.

Instead, today was the storm. Literally.

Just moments after I commented on the dark clouds gathering outside to my 5th period class, the principal’s voice came over the intercom, announcing the tornado warning.

Instead of an easy afternoon, we spent over an hour trying to keep hundreds of 8th graders, lining the hallways like an endless line of two-legged dominoes,  silent and off their phones.

In between “Shushes,” I checked my phone for the most recent updates from my husband, where he was chased down to the basement due to the tornadic activity. Which happened to cross right over our area.

That's a lot of hail!
That’s a lot of hail!

It’s always crazy being the teacher in these situations. We have our own worries, but have to play it cool for the sake of the students. Or hot, in this case, as the hallways have no air conditioning.

I decided to change my warm-up for my last period class. Who says math isn't applicable to real life??
I decided to change my warm-up for my last period class. Who says math isn’t applicable to real life??

Thankfully, the husband, the dog and the house made it through the storm just fine.

Big hail, too!
Big hail, too!

My plants?

Not so much.

It looks like my hostas have been ravaged by the world’s hungriest caterpillar!

They look like the kale after I put it in my Vitamix.

Ugh. Maybe I can convince myself it’s a reason to buy a few more this season?:)

I’m finally home and fed and squeezing my swollen calves with compression stockings.

Here’s hoping that this was the storm before the calm.

The Pace of Processing

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I have this large bag above the washing machine where I store the coins rescued from pockets and removed from overflowing wallets. Every year, the bag reaches its bursting point, the hard imprints of the coinage threatening to rip apart the delicate walls.

The money is essentially worthless in this form. Pounds of pennies required in order to exchange for something of value. So every year, I haul the bag to the grocery store, where I feed the coins through a machine that turns my useless currency into crisp, worthwhile bills (minus a service fee, of course).

Every year, I fail to remember the plodding pace of the machine and I inevitably overload it with too great a volume. But the machine will not be hurried; it processes trash into treasure at its own pace. It reads each piece of input, sorting it into an appropriate pile after making note of its value. Some items it deems unable to be classified, and it spits them out for further review.

The machine works best when the coins are fed into it at a steady trickle. When the entire bag is upended, the sheer mass of the coins slows down the feed into the chute, the pathways gummed up and the limits overloaded. Regardless, the process always feels protracted to me, always taking longer than I assume it should. I grow frustrated at the delay between placing the coins on the shelf and the total being updated on the screen, which continues to change long after the last coin has disappeared into its maw.

We are not unlike that unhurried coin machine when it comes to processing our pasts and our pains.

We do best when information is fed to us in a steady stream. It gives time to fully break apart each new tidbit before facing the next.

When too much is piled on, it overwhelms the process and yet each element is attended to in its own time.

There is no rushing the exercise. It simply takes time to sort through the detritus, spitting out the garbage and finding the value in the rest.

There is often a lag between the input and the conclusion. It doesn’t mean progress isn’t happening.

It means it has its own timeline.

Be patient.

Reframe

Posted on by stilllearning2b

reframe

Heart Break – Heart Attacks After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

A recent study has shown that people who have been divorced are at a higher risk of having a heart attack at some point. Interestingly, the risks are higher for women then men and remarriage has more of a protective effect on men than women.

The study’s authors propose that perhaps divorce is more stressful on women and that women often face a greater economic impact from divorce. Data backs up the second claim, but the first is more tenuous. After all, men are discouraged from showing pain and weakness and are less likely to seek and receive help post-divorce. So, is it perceived as harder on women only because women are more likely to talk about it?

There was one factor that seemed to be a glaring omission from the study – the impact of children. Was there a correlation between the number, ages and custody of the kids and an elevated risk of a heart attack? It certainly seems plausible that the stress of being a primary caregiver for the kids could be a contributing factor to heart disease.

I’m glad to see research such as this carried out. It illustrates the impact of divorce and speaks to the importance of self-care after a stressful life change. And the more we understand, the more we can address. Perhaps making divorce just a little less painful.

Why I Refuse to Call My Ex Husband a Narcissist

Posted on by stilllearning2b
covert narcissist

If anyone has the right to call her ex a narcissist, it’s me. While on the surface, he was a giving and caring man everyone loved, the man behind the curtain was another story entirely. He crafted false financial documents and insurance forms to support his lies as he bled our accounts dry. He wooed women, eventually wedding one without attending to the detail of obtaining a divorce from me first. He neglected the requirements of the criminal court system, earning a felony warrant. Even the judge in the divorce case asked my ex’s attorney if his client was “psycho.”

And maybe he is. Not a psycho necessarily, but a narcissist.

But, despite all of the evidence, I intentionally choose to not label my ex as a narcissist.

It seems like “narcissist ex” is the gluten-free of the relationship world – all of a sudden, it’s everywhere. But is it really that pervasive or are we just using the label too recklessly?

Just over 6% of the population has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) based upon the criteria set forth in the DSM-5: seeking approval from others, viewing oneself as exceptional, blaming setbacks on others, inability to identify with others’ needs and/or feelings and superficial relationships based upon manipulation.

Even though my former husband’s actions seem to check every box, I am bucking the “my ex is a narcissist” trend. Here’s why:

 

If He’s the “Attacker,” Then I’m the Victim

This was certainly my mindset early on – I viewed him as some Machiavellian perpetrator, deviously plotting ways to hurt me from his basement lair, cleverly disguised as an innocent office. In some ways, it was a comforting mindset as it pardoned me from any culpability. But it was also limiting.

Because if I was a victim, I was powerless.

In order to claim responsibility for my own well-being and create a sense of possibility for the future, I disarmed his memory. He’s no longer my attacker; he’s just the man I used to love who traveled down a dark path.

Preservation of Memory

By the time he sent the text that ended the marriage, my ex and I had spent sixteen years together. It was a lot to lose. If I accepted the proposal offered forth by many who dealt with him in the months to come that he was, in fact, a narcissist, it essentially would discount the thousands of positive memories I had of our time together.

From what I knew, we did have a good marriage with so many happy memories. I decided that those moments were real enough to me at the time and I chose to allow them to remain (as much as possible) unsullied by the idea that they were all orchestrated for some great plot.

It Ignores the Unknowns

 

Even the DSM-5 offers the disclaimer that a personality disorder cannot be diagnosed in the presence of addiction or physical illness, as both can mimic the mental condition. My ex admitted to a drinking problem after he left and he was suffering from some pretty substantial medical complaints for the last year or so of the marriage.

It is impossible for anyone, especially a layperson, to diagnose someone with a personality disorder without all of the information (much less the presence of the actual individual in question). Just because a person exhibits certain behaviors does mean that they automatically deserve a diagnosis.

We Are All More Than a Label

 

Calling someone a narcissist is reductionistic; it distills them down into a list of traits and ignores the complete person. Yes, my ex-husband lied, cheated and stole. But he also showed me (and others) great kindness and tenderness. He was the man that cried at our wedding and nursed our dogs back to health.

By not assigning him a label, I am able to remember the whole man – from loving husband to cruel persecutor and everything in between.

Peace is More Important Than a Reason

In the beginning, I struggled to understand why my husband acted that way and how he could be so cold and calculating. I assumed that once I had a reason, I would be able to move on. I tested out many possible labels (narcissist among them), but none managed to make the pain okay.

Finally, I decided to view him as lost. Hurting. Desperate and in pain. And with that shift, I found compassion, which led to being able to release the anger that held me back. So rather than see him as the evil antagonist in some twisted plot, I try to see him as human. Imperfect rather than malevolent. Not for his benefit, but for mine.

Labels, such as narcissist, have their place in public discourse. They help to provide a framework for understanding and a shared language to discuss important issues. It’s shorthand for a list of common experiences and emotions. I know when I read posts from people that use the term “narcissistic ex,” I will relate to stories of manipulation, gas lighting and projection. I can expect to see similarities between their stories and mine. In fact, I found books about narcissists and sociopaths helpful during the healing journey to provide information and perspective that helped me make sense of my own situation.

Labels are like Cliff Notes. We use them as shortcuts as we develop our own understanding or to help someone else develop theirs. Just like Cliff Notes, they are not the entire story, full of detail and nuance. If we stop at labels, we are limiting ourselves and others. We may be blinded by assumptions as we fill in the gaps in our knowledge automatically.

So your ex may be a narcissist, but that’s not the entire story. Don’t let the label limit you; it’s just the beginning.