Opening the Heart

Posted on by stilllearning2b

In yoga, it is believed that the hips are the emotional energy center of the body. The place where all of the past pain and trauma accumulates, clogging our well-being like leaves in a gutter.

And I think yoga is onto something.

For the most part, I gravitate towards an active practice, vinyassas that leave me sweaty and panting with muscles trembling from the challenge.

But those are the easy classes for me.

The hard?

Yin hips.

Yin is a form of yoga where you move your body into a particular shape or pose and then you hold the pose for an extended period of time, often somewhere between 4 and 10 minutes. The poses themselves are not difficult. In fact, they are designed so that you can maintain them with a minimum of energy.

So what makes yin hips so difficult?

The mind.

For the first two minutes or so of a pose, I’m simply learning to drop in. Feeling the edges of the stretch and focusing on my breath. And then inevitably, I realize that I’m gripping. Tightening where I should be releasing. And I start to consciously let go.

And it’s difficult. The hips spring back at the slightest suggestion of “Too much; I can’t do this.” from my mind. It’s as though they’re afraid of release. Afraid of letting go.

And so I breathe. And tell myself it’s okay. I can let go.

And by the time I uncurl myself from the form, I can feel structural changes in my hips. An openness where once there was only a blockade.

A freedom.

It’s a lesson that has to be repeated at regular intervals. Left to their own devices, my hips yet again contract and withdraw. Hiding from the fear of the pain and the discomfort of release.

And so I remind them again that happiness is found in the softening and accepting, not in the false whispers of hiding and protecting.

In yoga, it is believed that the hips hold our emotions. That there is a direct line between the hips and the heart. And I think they’re onto something.

Because opening the hips is exactly like opening the heart.

And it is at once the most challenging and the most rewarding exercise of all.

Namaste

Pushing the Reset Button On Stress – Five Steps to Help You Unwind

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I’m no stranger to stress. As a Type-A+ person geared towards anxiety in a fast-paced and often stressful job, I’ve had to get adept at taking my body and brain from “Argh!” to “Ahhh” in the most efficient way possible.

Over the years, I’ve played around with various strategies for downshifting after a long day or a long week. Some (like venting to a spouse or coworker) might feel good in the moment but don’t contribute to a release of stress in the long term. Others (like meditation) are awesome tools, but are ineffective when used at the wrong time.

I became more aware of my stress and intensity level at the end of the workday when Brock and I instituted a new procedure last year. Before driving home, I would text him my “number,” a digit from 1 to 10 where 1 is napping in a hammock and 10 is performing CPR. He then sends me his number. My goal is to try to be no higher than a 4 as soon as possible after the final bell.

This system has motivated me to get more efficient at ramping down my stress. Below is the stress-busting system I have implemented over the last few months. I have found that these steps in this order effectively take me from a higher level of intensity to a lower level. They’re flexible, filling the time you have and adapting to your particular situation. On a really rough day, you may need all five steps. On an easier day, maybe you reach “Ahhh” much sooner.

Take a look. Give it a whirl. And let me know what you think 🙂

One – Move

feet-538245_1280The first step in releasing stress is getting out of your brain and into your body while starting to let go of any stored and stuck energy. This can be as complex as structured exercise or as simple as a walk down the hallway.

Bonus Points – Exercise Outside

Much of stress comes from a feeling of being confined, boxed into whatever circumstances surround us. So get out. Literally. Feel how small and inconsequential your concerns are against nature’s backdrop.

Two – Escape

kindle-381242_1280Get away from your stress and into another world. Play (and sing along!) to music on your commute. Watch a favorite show (we’re currently bingeing on Game of Thrones). Read a book. Complete a crossword or play some Angry Birds. If you have a tendency to escape too long, set a timer and give yourself a limit. The escape is a break, not continual avoidance.

Bonus Points – Write

Writing not only acts as an escape, it also allows you to purge and process. This is especially important if your source of stress is ongoing or requires that you change something.

Three – Release

runner-690265_1280Let it go. Massage your shoulders and roll them back down into place. Stretch your arms and work out the knots. Do some yoga, whether it be a full class or just holding a pose for a few moments. Try some version of a backbend; they’re delicious when you’re stressed.

Bonus Points – Sex

Whatever sex means for you. It not only serves as a physical release, it also releases hormones that relaxes the body and it is great at resetting the mind.

Four – Breathe

sky-114446_1280Focus on your breath and work to both slow it down and deepen it. If you’re still holding on, inhale through your nose and exhale loudly through your mouth. Aim to complete at least 10 focused breaths.

Bonus Points – Meditate

I often find that when I’m stressed, it can be difficult to do my usual meditation and that guided ones seem to be more effective. I especially like short ones that include body scanning as it helps to release any residual tension.

Five – Play

beach-863139_1280Play simply mean allowing yourself some unstructured time. Follow your instincts. Ideally, this play should be disconnected from technology, as too much stimulation and information keeps the stress going. If you have kids, play with them.

Bonus Points – Create

Allow your creative side to flow. It taps in to your core self and reconnects you with you as you let go of the day. If you have kids, create with them. It’s a gift for all of you.

I know this might sound overwhelming (which is the last thing you need when you’re stressed!), but it can really be quite streamlined on typical days. Here’s how it might look on a normal day for me:

Move – I usually do a bigger workout later in the evening, but I’ll do a few squats before I leave my classroom (during rough years, I’ve even kept a kettlebell in my room) and then I’m mindful of taking advantage of my walk to my car, paying special attention to the feel of the sun (unless it’s the winter!) and fresh air once I leave the building.

Escape – I listen to something either engaging (NPR or a digital book) or funny on the way home.

Release – Once home, I lay on my back with my legs up a wall for a few minutes and let the aches of the day start to fade.

Breathe – While my legs are up the wall, I focus on slowing my breathing. I often will turn on a chant on my meditation app that gives me a cadence to aim for.

Play – I pick up the tennis ball and throw it around for Tiger for a few minutes.

Total time invested? 40 minutes, 30 of which is my commute.

Value to quality of life? Priceless.

The Science Of Forgiveness

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Why is forgiveness so hard?

Is it that our pain screams to be heard and validated?

Is it because we feel entitled to an apology and reparations for any wrongdoing?

Is it coming from a belief that any attack was targeted and any forgiveness is simply showing weakness?

Is it based on a conviction that forgiveness is only owed to those that deserve it?

No matter the reason to withhold forgiveness, there is no debating the fact that finding forgiveness is hard.

Damn hard.

Perhaps the hardest thing you’ll ever do.

And perhaps one of the most important.

I read this synopsis of some studies today that explain the link between forgiveness and physical health. It turns out that holding onto anger and victimhood literally makes you sick.

That seems like as good of a reason as any to work to achieve forgiveness.

The piece above discusses many of the same strategies I talk about: depersonalizing, reframing and seeing the person who harmed you with compassion.

I worry sometimes about the uptick in people characterizing their exes as narcissists. Yes, there are people in this world that are all-bad and have no qualities that are relatable or redeemable. But those people are very few and far between.

Most of our exes, although they may be assholes of the highest caliber, are not monsters. And I worry when they are characterized as such because it often leaves the labeler holding the anger.

And, as discussed in the attached study, the sickness.

Don’t forgive because they deserve it.

Forgive because you do.

Related:

What Forgiveness Is (And What It Is Not)

My Thoughts On the Ashley Madison Hack

Posted on by stilllearning2b

In those early days after my husband left but before I had any answers, I looked to see if I could find evidence of an Ashley Madison account.

Nothing turned up.

But even though that avenue may not have been explored, I still knew that others had based upon the preponderance of evidence.

Just because your partner’s name is not one of the 33 million on the list does not mean that he or she has been faithful. After all, most infidelity occurs without being asked to enter a credit card number.

And the inclusion of a name does not necessarily mean that infidelity occurred. After all, I can’t even begin to guess how many items I’ve put into online shopping carts yet never completed the purchase.

Nothing is to be gained from searching the vast database for a name or an email. It’s only one data point (and one gathered illegally, at that) and one that can easily mislead.

Instead, look for a preponderance of evidence leading you to a particular conclusion and listen to your gut.

Leave the Ashley Madison hack to the journalists who are frantically searching for the emails of public figures.

How to Keep Technology From Mocking Your Broken Heart

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Arends’ extraordinary story is, of course, on the very extreme end of the digital heartbreak spectrum, but the technological echo of a past lover is something many people understand far too well.

“We have never been more connected to each other than we are in 2015, and yet it seems that the trend of ‘ghosting’ as a way of backing out of a relationship is increasingly popular,” says tech consultant Amanda Blum of Howling Zoe.

Read the rest over at Mashable.