What I Really, Really, Really Wish I Could Tell My Ex Husband

Posted on by stilllearning2b
ex husband

“I was right.”

Now, I’m well aware that those words sound sanctimonious and snotty. But I also think I’ve earned a little sanctimonious and snotty after dealing with abandonment and betrayal.

Besides, they’re true. I was right all those years ago.

And I really, really, really wish I could tell him that using a napkin to blot oil off your pizza actually does make a difference.

Told ya so.

It’s funny – I was asked last summer to write a follow up letter to this one to my ex husband.

And I couldn’t do it. It was like being word-blocked by the Raven’s defense when they’ve got it going on. I realized that I really have nothing left to say to him. At least nothing of much substance.

But while I have his ear, there are a few other tidbits I would like to pass along.

-We have a contractor coming out today to measure the kitchen for an updating. It brings back memories (good) of us doing house projects together and memories (awful) of the endless dust of the popcorn ceiling removal. You were a trooper with that orbital sander. I also awed the salesman with my knowledge of the difference between MDF and particleboard. I have you to thank for that.

-I’m going to hear Korn in a couple weeks perform their first album. Remember when we first saw them open for Ozzy? That was a great performance.

-You’re missing the best of me. Of course, I’m the me I am now because of what to did to me. So, thank you.

-But please, don’t be an asshole. You’ve already used up your lifetime allotment of jerkiness.

-And if you’re still in touch with your mom, please give her a hug for me. I miss her.

Oh, and if you’re still struggling with your weight, maybe try blotting that pizza 🙂

And if you have a letter to write to your ex, check out this awesome opportunity to contribute to the colective wisdom around divorce and starting over!

A Day-By-Day Survival Guide to Get You Through the First Month of an Unwanted Divorce, Part 3

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Survival Guide for Days 1-10

Survival Guide for Days 11-20

Day Twenty-One

Divorce, especially if it involved infidelity or abandonment, does quite a number on your confidence. It’s so easy to internalize any messages of rejection.

Today, commit to trying any one of these 21 ideas to help you boost your confidence after divorce.

And, if you’re starting to doubt that you’re strong enough to handle all that is coming your way, read this.

You’re awesome. Never let somebody tell you otherwise.

courage

Day Twenty-Two

Sometimes you simply can’t be the bigger person. Sometimes you just have to let it all out – complaints, frustrations, snark and all. Some of this is purgative and some is ego-saving. And the rest is just the temper tantrum of a hurting heart.

It’s okay to vent.

Be careful who receives your unloading and don’t abuse their willingness to listen. And when you have their ear, don’t hold back.

Day Twenty-Three

It’s easy to become overwhelmed with the emotional impact of divorce and neglect the practical matters. Set aside an hour to create a short-term budget based upon your current and foreseeable situation. It doesn’t need to be perfect and don’t expect it to be permanent. It’s just to ensure that you have an idea of what is coming in and what is going out.

Day Twenty-Four

Take a baby step towards better.

The first month is spent dealing, not healing. Yet even though you’re having to expend your energy on the inevitable crises and changes and even though the tears are still a daily companion, you can start to take the first, small steps to your new life by memory layering.

Think of one event or location that reminds you of your why-aren’t-they-ex-yet?. Take a deep breath and visit that place with somebody(ies) else. Memories of your ex will surface. Let them. But also strive to intentionally start to create some new memories associated with that place. As the layers build over time, the memories of the ex will slowly be replaced with newer recollections.

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Day Twenty-Five

Scream.

Yell.

It’s not fair.

You don’t deserve this.

You didn’t plan for this.

Divorce sucks.

I’m sorry.

Day Twenty-Six

Hope is powerful. If you know how to use it.

Find a physical representation of what you want your new life to be like. Your seed. You don’t have to plant it yet. Or water it.

Just know that it is there when you are ready.

The Gift

Day Twenty-Seven

Start to identify your purpose. Your identity.

You were more than your marriage and you are more than your divorce.

Find yourself again.

Begin to craft your life mission statement.

Don’t stress – it’s just a rough draft.

In fact, the editing process may never end. And that’s okay.

Day Twenty-Eight

Write your goals for the next year. Let some be small and easily attainable. Allow others to be dreams that seem to grand to achieve. Don’t censor yourself; let the ideas flow.

Remember that gratitude list? Post your goals next to it.

It’s a reminder to be okay with where you are at the same time to want to be better tomorrow than today.

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Day Twenty-Nine

Celebrate your progress. What have you accomplished in the past four weeks that you thought you couldn’t? In what way(s) have you progressed? It’s okay if it’s small – a full night’s rest, a day at work without tears. Every improvement is a victory. Treat it as such.

If you have been journaling, this is a great time to look back at your first entries to see your progress in black and white. You may find that you don’t even recognize that earlier version anymore.

Day Thirty

One month. You’ve made it.

You’re further along than you were 30 days ago.

And yet you’re still at the beginning.

Divorce is a marathon. Not a sprint. And you have to learn how to run the mile you’re in.

Every person is different. Every divorce is different.

And every timeline to healing is different. But here’s an idea of what you may expect.

And even though it doesn’t necessarily get easier.

You get stronger.

And one day, you’ll realize that your divorce has made you even better than before.

story

A Day-By-Day Survival Guide to Get You Through the First Month of an Unwanted Divorce, Part 2

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Click here to read how to get through days 1-10!

Day Eleven

Breathe. In times of trauma and transition, it’s all-too-easy to limit the breath. Set aside some time, sit or lie down in a safe and comfortable space and invite the breath in. Put one hand on your belly and one hand on your chest and feel them expand.

BreatheYou are learning to breathe again.

Day Twelve

Watch your words.

Be careful what you say to others. Once it is uttered, it cannot be unsaid. Speak what you feel. Give voice to your fears. Try not to lash out in blame.

Be mindful of what you say to yourself. The words we say to others have influence. The words we say to ourselves have power. To thine own self be kind.

And when you slip up (and you WILL slip up), be gentle with yourself. And vow to keep working at getting better.

Day Thirteen

Take note of your support system. Who and what do you have in place to help you through the next several months? Are there any gaps? Brainstorm how to fill them in.

Compose a message to your primary supporters. Let them know specifically what they can do to help and also communicate anything you don’t want from them.

Day Fourteen

Get outside. You’ve spent two weeks feeling like your world is over. Get into the environment (I don’t care if it’s too hot/ too cold/ too wet – just do it!) and observe the natural cycles and the grand scale of life.

Your life isn’t over. It’s a season change. A painful and sudden one. But a change, not an end.

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Day Fifteen

Give yourself permission to grieve. You may feel as though you don’t have the right to mourn because everyone involved is still alive. You may feel as though you have not earned the right to be sad because you were somehow not enough. You may feel pressure and blame from others for “failing” at marriage.

That’s all bullocks.

Divorce is a loss not only of the past but of the imagined future. And it hurts like hell.

Life Sucks

Day Sixteen

Lose yourself. Allow yourself to be fully consumed by something – a book, a movie, a Netflix binge, a birthday party, a day at the zoo with the kids.

For a few hours, set aside reality and just be in the moment. When the intrusive thoughts come, gently push them away with a promise to attend to them later. If you’re afraid they’ll ruin the day, set aside some time before the escape to cry yourself dry. I promise, it helps.

Day Seventeen

Tackle the task you’ve been putting off. Maybe this is starting to pack some items. Maybe it’s telling the kids. Or maybe it’s some paperwork the lawyer has asked you to assemble.

Divorce is full of unsavory assignments. And as with anything, procrastination only prolongs the dread. Striking that one thing off you to-do list will help you feel a little lighter. A little more hopeful.

Day Eighteen

Move. Whether you’re vibrating with anxious energy or you feel drained of all vitality, exercise will help you feel better. This doesn’t need to be anything fancy. You’re not looking to win any awards or even to commit to a program. Just move.

Go for a walk, take a yoga or Zumba class, or even just spend some intentional time stretching your body. When we’re stressed, the mind and the body disconnect. Make the intention of the day to begin to reconnect your mind and your body.

presentlife

Day Nineteen

You don’t have to wait until you are healed to begin living. There are smiles to be found amongst the tears.

So today, find your smile again. You may have to hunt for it. The effort is worth it.

Day Twenty

You have lost so much. You are hurting and scared. Lost and lonely.

But that is not all you are and all you have.

Write a gratitude list (nothing radical yet, that comes much later), enumerating all that you currently have in your life to be thankful for.

Post the list where you see every morning. And read it as you begin each day.

There is beauty still in your life. Embrace it.

okay

Click here for days 21-30!

A Day-By-Day Survival Guide to Get You Through the First Month of an Unwanted Divorce, Part 1

Posted on by stilllearning2b
survival guide

Imagine a world where whenever you find yourself in over your head, an emergency survival guide for your immediate situation would suddenly appear. It would be succinct and on-point, telling you exactly what you need to know to make it through to the next day and only what you need to know to make it to the next day. The guide would be responsive, changing suggestions and recommendations based upon your current circumstances.

This is the day-by-day guide I wish I had to get me through the first month of a sudden and unwanted divorce.

Day One

Change the wallpaper on your phone and computer to the following message (or something similar):

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You may also want to post it around your house. You don’t have to believe it yet. Just post it.

And make sure you can see it when you start calling attorneys.

Day Two

Tell somebody.

Maybe you feel ashamed or guilty. Maybe you want to protect those around you from the situation. Maybe you’re afraid of appearing weak or vulnerable.

Get over it.

You can’t do this alone. Tell a trusted friend or family member what is happening. The trusted part is important. You need an ally, not a saboteur.

Day Three

Find your cry space. Maybe it’s your car in an empty parking lot, the sanctuary in the church across from your office or in the pool, where the water washes the tears away. It only needs to be a place where you feel safe letting down the walls.

Consider journaling. The paper absorbs the tears.

12 Reasons to Journal After Your Divorce

Day Four

Don’t try to pretend that everything is normal. It’s not. Take some time off work. Call in a family member to help care for the children. Let the laundry slide and allow somebody else to head the upcoming presentation.

Allow yourself to not live up to your everyday expectations of yourself. This isn’t everyday.

And beating yourself up won’t help you get any better. So be kind to yourself instead.

7 Areas to Downsize During Divorce

Day Five

Develop your elevator speech. At this point, people around you are going to sense that something is going on, even if they do not know the particulars. And perhaps you don’t want them to know the particulars. Or, even if you’re okay sharing, you’re afraid that the floodgates may open at the wrong time.

Write a one-sentence explanation to give to people. Keep it simple and rehearse it until you can say it without tears or elaboration.

Feel free to steal the one I used after a friend gave it to me – “I’m in the middle of a major life renovation.”

Day Six

Enlist a publicity specialist. Not a professional one, unless you happen to be famous enough that your divorce is in the tabloids, but an informal one. The elevator speech is useful for relative strangers or people on the outside of your circle, but those closer to you will need more information. And if you don’t act proactively, they will either push you to talk before you’re ready or the rumor mill will be activated.

So enlist somebody to deliver the news to those who need to be in the know. Tell them what information you want delivered and what you want to keep private for now.

Day Seven

Check your sleep. At this point, the initial shock has faded into a zombie-like approach to daily life. You are preparing for a marathon, not a sprint. And you need to be rested. If you’re not sleeping, get help. You may need medication. It’s okay. There’s no shame in asking for help.

accept help

Sleeping too much is also a sign you may need help. If you’re struggling to simply get out of bed after the first week, it’s time to check in with a doctor or therapist. It’s okay. There’s no shame in asking for help.

Day Eight

Complete a social media and phone purge. Unfriend those who don’t bring you up. Or maybe decide to take a break from social media entirely for a time. Clean out your phone of photos you don’t want to stumble across or texts that bring tears. You don’t have to delete anything right now, just perform the digital equivalent of taking the photos off the wall.

One suggestion I read for those of you that have children – change your soon-to-be-ex’s name on your phone to “co parent.” It’s a powerful reminder of what is most important in a divorce with children involved.

And while you’re at your purge, examine your physical space as well. Sleeping alone but your sheets still carry the scent of the-one-who-is-now-gone? Wash them. A special gift taunting you from its resting spot? Put it away for now. Your brain will bring up enough painful memories on its own. No reason to help it along.

Day Nine

Nurture yourself today. Get a massage. Go to a nice restaurant and savor the service. Sleep in. Whatever sends the message to you that you are valuable and special. Do it. Feel it.

Don’t let one person decide your worth.

Day Ten

Buy a belt.

I bet by now your weight is starting to change. Either you respond to stress by refusing to eat or you use food to soothe the void in your heart. Either way, after several days, the effects will show. Don’t worry about them yet. Just make sure that your pants aren’t falling off.

Days 11-20 are in in Part Two of the Day-By-Day Survival Guide.

Life In Transition

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I had coffee with a friend recently who is in the middle of a Major Life Renovation. She has gone from a known life and full home to an existence in flux and an empty apartment.

I did a lot of listening.

And I left her with three pieces of advice for a life in transition:

One – Plant Your Seed

When you take the leap from one life to a new one, it is so easy to focus on what is left behind rather than embrace the possibilities for the future.

I felt this acutely in my early months. I had gone from a home (not to mention a husband and dogs) to a spare bedroom in a friend’s house. It was exactly what I needed at the time, yet I knew that it was only temporary and I struggled to imagine the next step. Let alone how in the world I would ever have enough money or strength to take it.

One Saturday afternoon, I wandered through some stores trying to keep the loneliness and uncertainty at bay. I found myself inside Cost Plus World Market, where my eye was drawn immediately to a brightly-colored and patterned throw. I slid off the ribbons that were holding it bound into a neat square and flung the fabric over a nearby chair. I stood there for what seemed like half the afternoon, looking at the colors and running the woven blanket through my fingers.

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It was a throw that would have been vetoed by my couldn’t-be-ex-soon-enough husband. And maybe that was part of why I felt myself drawn to it. But I think there was more to it. The colors spoke of life. Of energy. The pattern was wild and a little unpredictable. That blanket was the seed that I wanted my life to grow into.

That day, I spent $60 I didn’t have at the time to buy a throw that I had no place for at the time.

Eight months later, I moved into my first apartment and the throw found a home on the sofa after inspiring the color choices for the art.

And now that blanket sits in my meditation nook, where I use it to cover myself as I sit in gratitude for the life it hatched.

Find your seed. Your inspiration. Plant it. Nurture it.

And let it grow.

Two – Be a Student of Life

I love the saying that life is the hardest teacher you’ll ever have – she gives the test first and only then provides the lesson.

Transitions are tests. Often very difficult tests. It’s easy to become so concerned about passing that we lose sight of the bigger picture.

With everything changing around you, your view can become me-centric, everything else simply orbiting around.

Take a deep breath. Take a step back. And take a quick read. One little book. Four little ideas.

One enormous lesson.

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Three – Savor the Moment

Those moments between are special. While in transition, it’s easy to yearn for stability and certainty. Those will come again before you know and along with them, the fear of change and risk. There is a freedom in not knowing what comes next. The lack of expectation is a gift. Enjoy it.

I like to compare those times of metamorphosis with a freshly-fallen snow before any prints have been pressed into its surface. It’s cold. It may even be inhospitable, hiding dangerous terrain beneath its gloss. Yet it is also beautiful in its unblemished purity.

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Enjoy the possibilities. Enjoy the unknown. Enjoy the open canvas ready for you to paint your new life.

Before you know it, this time will be over. A mere memory. One chapter in a life full of stories.