I spent much of the last two and half years wrestling with the “how.” How could he do this? How could he seek to destroy the one he claimed to love (and seemed to show love to up until the last text)? How could he kiss me, be intimate with me, knowing that he was orchestrating this symphony of destruction? Try as I might, I just couldn’t make those actions, those lies, match the man I knew.
So, I thought of him as a boy.
I thought about what would cause a child to lie. Children generally lie out of fear. They want to please, and when they now they have disappointed, they seek to hide their actions by spinning tales. Looking over the last few years of my marriage, I saw a path (relating to a failed business attempt) that could have led him down the path of telling lies to hide his shortcomings, to protect me from the truth. As with a child, if these lies are not caught, they eventually become habit.
I thought about what would cause a child to lash out against loved ones. Children often lash out when they feel trapped and threatened. When he lashed out, he had been caught. The carefully crafted facade that he wanted the world to see had been stripped away, his deceptions, his failures bared for the world to see. He saw me as threatening his core, his very self, so he lashed out in a desperate attempt to shield.
I may be wrong in these motivations. Perhaps he is simply a sociopath, immune to other’s pain. Maybe he is evil, enjoying the suffering of others. But that doesn’t fit the man I knew, and so it does not bring me peace. However, by looking at his actions as I would a child’s, I have found that I see him as scared, unsure, and lost. That helps to deflate some of the anger, releasing the pressure and allowing me to move forward.
A most interesting perspective.
I came to view my former spouse as someone who, due to be sexually assaulted and abused for years when she was young, had been stopped in her maturation process. In some very real ways, she was still a child. She lied when faced with any confrontation or pressure. And yet she was so good in many ways.
An amazing book I read in those years, made the statement that for someone like her, people became objects to be used. It had been clear to me that after those years of her suffering horrific abuse, that she was not capable of seeing people as people. Which explained her failure to connect with even her own children. Although she was a “good mother,” she wouldn’t think to hug them unless I prompted her to do so, etc.
Alan Parson’s wrote some lyrics that I was thinking about last night when something reminded me of her:
“The sun in your eyes, made some of your lies worth believing.” (Eye In The Sky)
She was so beautiful and she was so good, much of the time. And yet, the negative behaviors were so overwhelming, that after four years, I had to walk away.
Thanks for validating my view therein. 😀
I am so grateful to be free of her. I wish her all the best and am glad that I don’t need to talk with her ever again. Too sad.
woooow this is a wonderful post and you are right.I think he is probably scared, unsure, and lost and maybe confused
My husband, too, lied and lied until I finally caught him. He also lashed out, angry, abusive in front of the girlfriend. Painful as it is, I have always thought of him as a child…not wanting to get caught in any of his lies. Although he is and has always been compulsive about it, I still felt they were actions of a child. His childhood passed him by and I allowed him (for a period) to be that child. So, I guess I enabled him to behave like one…sadly. I totally know where you are coming from. I am not angry any more, but damn does it still hurt!
It does still hurt, and I think it always will to some extent. Luckily, we can continue to live despite some pain.
Betrayal sucks, I’d better leave it at that.
agreed.
Can you be my next therapist? Very profound. His mother died when he was eighteen, and his Dad went on a three year binge. Drunk, lying on her grave. He was an orphan. I was always looking away from his behavior because I felt sorry for him.
Sometimes the distance provided by the end of the relationship gives us perspective on the situation. It doesn’t change anything, but it sure can help with understanding, acceptance, and ultimately, healing.
Thank you for this post! It applies to so much – have experienced variations of all of the comments above, and noticed today that this applies to my sweet fiance, who lies when he relapses (drinks) then acts surprised and dismayed when I am angrier about the deception than anything else. “You tried to kill my best friend again,” I say, “to take away his – and OUR! – future…and you expect me not to be upset?” I see why he lies and that he was very good at it, he’s a sweetheart and hates to see people upset. But he has got to decide. I live a life of pretty rigorous honesty today, and if he doesn’t want to come along, I’m movin’ on. Peace & blessings to you and all!
I am glad that you are seeing his lies and that you can choose how you respond. I wish the best as you work through your decisions.
Resonating…wish I could get to the angry part to begin with. I’m so stuck in the place where I mourn the loss of “what could have been” even though the rational side of my brain could give you all the reasons why, from the outside, anyone would ask “WHY WOULD YOU WANT HIM?” I do see him as a child with his lies and pacification. ‘What can I do to smooth this over’ as a child with an angry parent would do. I DON’T want to be a parent to him…we have 3 kids that I have to parent (almost on my own) and that is enough.
I’m trying.
It is hard to let go of expectations, wishful paintings on the mind. Sometimes, I find that it helps to try to step outside myself and see the situation as a third party giving advice. That way the reality is uncluttered by the desires.
This was a great post for me to read today. I have to remind myself that my husband lied to me because he was afraid. It helps. I really enjoy reading your posts. Please continue to keep writing.
I am glad that you can find some peace in that perspective too.
And, don’t worry, I’m still writing. At least once the school year wraps:)
I had been married to a man that I thought was a good person. There were some differences between us and we went through ups and down but I did not see him as an evil person. After some big differences and an argument that I documented here as part of my blog on cancer http://stressanddisease.blogspot.com.au/2012/02/how-we-stimulate-spontaneous-remission.html you can read the shocking revelations that he made about a third of the way down in the section starting “Clocks and dagers and everyday life”. I was very angry to begin with but I began to realize that what he was did not in any way say anything about me. I realized that what I was mainly angry about is having being deceived and that this is understandable when we depend upon the others words and actions to decide if they are good or bad. An evil person however has a life long career at deceiving other and they have no remorse nor conscience about it. Hence they can portray themselves in ways that belie the truth. Knowing that we can be deceived is at first distasteful but in accepting this rather than being more vulnerable, which is what it feels life initially, I found we can become more able to protect ourselves because we are more alert. It is the little things that I saw as unimportant in the light of a big picture that are the tell tale signs to beware of.
That is so true. It is humiliating and anger-provoking to be deceived by anyone, but especially by the one sharing your bed!
It is very annoying when you loose trust in someone you care about especially the one that is close to your heart
Reblogged this on gratefulgill and commented:
What a journey this is. So thankful, sorry, that I have found ya’ll. However I really am having a dreadful time, accepting the crap my STBX is doing. I will write about our 1st Mediation and the next blog is “The Autopsy of a 17 year, 18 in 14 days Marriage + 4 years credit “being, living together as I raised his, mine and our 5 children”
I am currently going through the mourning part of separation and divorce. I have cried so much you would think there were no more tears, yet they still come. I feel so alone and wish so badly things could have been good in our marriage, but I know in my heart that it will never be. I want to accept the inevitable, but it is so hard to do. I hate my sadness and want so desperately for it to end. I hate this feeling. It has been approximately 8 months since he moved out and our divorce was final on 10 February. I have a good relationship with my family and friends, but they can only do so much. I am desperately trying to move on. And there are days when I seem to be making progress and then a friend from the past will say she saw him at the church we used to attend or I will hear a song that reminds me of him and the depression rushes back like a tsunami and it seems like I am making no progress whatsoever. I have prayed so much for God’s guidance and He has helped me (I must give God credit) for without Him I probably wouldn’t even get out of bed. I want with all my heart to move on and accept the life I now have, but I don’t know how. Your posts are helpful, but could you give me some direct advice?
I am so sorry you are in that place. It is so difficult to accept the end, especially when it wasn’t wanted.
Have you checked out the link to “I Feel Sad” on the left side of the page? I have a feeling it may have some links that would speak to you.