Divorce and Twitter: What’s the Connection?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Links to a recent study associating active Twitter users with an increased risk of cheating and divorce filled my newsfeed yesterday. The study shows a direct correlation between heavy Twitter use and the likelihood of divorce across age ranges. Many of the pieces that featured the study implied that romantic or sexual interactions on the social media platform were the precipitating factor in the end of the union.

But I’m not so sure it’s that straightforward.

You see, our brains are not that different than mice in a lab. We like rewards. And technology has capitalized on that part of human drive and motivation. You gets levels and badges for succeeding in a game on your phone, you get a buzz or chime every time someone contacts you and, on most social media, you vie for likes and shares. Each of those interactions is like giving the proverbial mouse a treat, eliciting a release of dopamine in the brain. And, just like a mouse that receives too much cheese, those electronic rewards fatten us as well. We become accustomed to that higher level of stimulation.

And real life, including real marriage, doesn’t offer neurochemical rewards on such a frequent basis.

But cheating does.

The risks and newness of an affair bring with it an increased production in dopamine, rewarding the cheater for his or her indiscretions.

So maybe the problem isn’t really found in flirty Tweets. Maybe the problem is that we’re training our brains to require an unnatural level of rewards. And then it becomes all too easy to seek the desired attention elsewhere.

Unless your spouse has a gold star chart for on the fridge. Who knows? Maybe that will become the new affair prevention technique:)

Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Do not go gentle into that good night,

Old age should burn and rave at close of day;

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Dylan Thomas

I recently became aware of the blogger and Twitterer Lisa Adams (@AdamsLisa). Lisa is a mother of three who is living with and dying from stage four breast cancer. She has been in the news lately because some journalists have spoken out against her publicly discussing her illness and the realities of dying. The writers are praising those who die quietly, privately while decrying Lisa’s warrior stance against her disease.

Lisa’s approach to her disease is hers and hers alone. I am thankful that she is willing to share the good, the bad and the ugly of the entire experience. Our modern western existence is separated from death and dying. It has been turned into something medical and removed. Many of us never see its nuances until we face it ourselves. As a psychology of grief class I took explained, this separation of life from death complicates the modern grieving experience. It pulls a shroud over the entire process, even though it is a universal one.

Lisa’s tweets can be difficult to read for those not in the same boat. We want to believe that it cannot happen to us. We want to turn our heads.

And we can.

We can choose not to read. Not to see.

But I’m glad it’s there for those who find reassurance in her words and comfort in her thoughts.

And for all of us, living near death reminds us how to be alive.

I have no close, personal experience with cancer. I have not had it and I have not been close to someone dying of it apart from my experience in the pediatric oncology ward. But I do have experience with writing about another of life’s uglier sides. And, like Lisa, I have faced negativity and those who question why I choose to write about divorce.

I cannot speak for Lisa Adams, but I can share why I refuse to be quiet.

I refuse to be quiet because my silence makes others more comfortable.

I refuse to be quiet because if my voice can help one other person, it is worth speaking.

I refuse to be quiet when a chorus of voices can help create change.

And I refuse to be quiet because doing so feels like dying while I am still alive.

So, Lisa Adams, share your voice and know that it is heard and that we all benefit from listening.

And even though you may not kick cancer’s butt, you’re kicking butt on your way out.

Do not go gentle into that good night.

And know that your voice will be heard long after you’re gone.

The Unbelievers

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Search for “divorce” on Twitter, and you find countless posts like the following:

I don’t believe in divorce….when me and my partner have problems we will sit down, talk and work it out! Commitment for life

As though one can make divorce not real simply by pretending it doesn’t exist. I hate to break it to them, but divorce is kinda like gravity’s impact on an aging body; it exists whether you want to admit it or not.

I didn’t believe in divorce either. I believed in commitment. In working things out. In staying together. However, my husband did not feel the same way.

The problem with the Twitter quote above is that it completely neglects to acknowledge your partner’s view and actions, neither of which are under your jurisdiction.

You may not believe in divorce but if your partner stops believing in the marriage, you’ll change your mind real fast.

I try to remember that these statements are coming from ignorance and a lack of exposure. These are people who have not been touched by divorce. These are people that believe that promises made can never be broken. These are people who think that their wishes are strong enough to ward off any unwanted situations.

I both envy and pity them.

I was them.

I had that certainty, that confidence in my marriage. I believed that divorce couldn’t happen to me because I didn’t want it to. I didn’t realize that my husband had developed a different view. My certainty that it couldn’t happen to me meant that I was blindsided. I was betrayed, not only by my husband, but also by my beliefs.

I worry about those who believe that it can never happen to them. I hope they are right and they never face the pain of lives torn apart. However, I worry that many of them will realize that belief is not enough to hold a marriage together.

The most difficult aspect of any relationship is the acceptance that your partner is an individual with his or her own thoughts and actions. You cannot control them. You cannot change them. All you can do is love them and embrace them while being the best you can be.

Maybe instead of saying, “I don’t believe in divorce,” it should be, “I believe in doing everything possible on my side to ensure that we do not divorce and I hope that you can do the same.”

Now that’s something I can believe in.

Them’s the Rules – A Blogging Year in Review

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I am a rule follower in most areas of my life. But not in the blogging world. I don’t proofread (and I make lots of typos!:) ). I fail to spend time formatting pictures. And I’ll post multiple times in a day. Furthermore, I am absolutely horrendous at following the guidelines for awards (although I am eternally grateful to those of you who have graciously sent them my way). However,  there is one blogging tradition that I feel like I just have to honor – the year in recap, especially since the one year anniversary of my blog coincides with the conclusion of 2012.

So, here goes – a look back at Lessons From the End of a Marriage 2012. I apologize in advance if I get this wrong. Again, I don’t follow the blogging rules so well:)

The Beginning

Last December, I spent some time with my friend Christian. I showed him the outline of the book which I had started two years prior and had just committed to finishing. He recommended that I start a blog as a way of pre-marketing the book. I knew nothing about blogging, so I downloaded two Kindle books on the subject – one free and one $.99 – and I set up my WordPress site that afternoon. I set a goal of posting at least three times a week, but I was intimidated by the thought of coming up with that many ideas.

I didn’t need to worry. The ideas just began to flow and I found myself posting daily. I found a rhythm of writing in the mornings and jotting down ideas throughout the day in a small spiral notebook I kept in my purse (no iPhone yet:) ). I started following other blogs and found myself pleasantly surprised at the supportive WordPress community. I was still working on the book and the blog was a great place to explore ideas and solidify the themes.

I experimented with Facebook and Twitter and tweaked my blog settings. I never really knew what I was doing; I simply did what felt right in the moment. Looking back, some of the posts makes me giggle and some make me cringe. But I’ll leave them – they are part of the history.

I learned the humor inherent in seeing how people found my site. My favorite search terms?

  • lisa arends bigamy (This one always makes me giggle. I’m not the bigamist! 🙂 )
  • monkey lifting weights (because of this post)
  • shaved monkey (that would be this one – I guess my monkey mind titles are a little strange:))
  • how to get away with bigamy (please – just say no!)
  • happy birthday to my car (I felt weird when I wrote that title, but I guess I’m not the only one)
  • goddess flexibility pics (uhmm…thanks but I’m no goddess and I’m not very flexible)
  • math show sole (????)
  • squish bikini (eww! there is a pic on here of me in a bikini, but I don’t consider myself to be super squishy)
  • crying is okay here (yes it is)
  • the joy of outdoor showering (I know I love it)
  • who did mrs wayne dyer marry (I would hope Mr. Wayne Dyer)

I went into blogging with the idea of promoting a book. I had no idea that it (and writing) would become an inherent part of my life.

Key posts:

How it Began

When is a Phone More Than a Phone?

Softness Isn’t Just for Selling Tissues

The Garden

Wanted: The Ronald McDonald House for the Recently Seperated

10 Things My Vibrams Taught Me About Relationships

The Importance of Love Mentors

The Blame Game

Rebooting: Are You in Safe Mode?

Taming the Monkey Mind

Goal Post

I Was Lucky

Two Years Ago Today

You Make Me Happy

What Set Theory Can Teach Us About Marriage

The Big Time

As I made my way into the blogging world, I found myself commenting on sites all over the net. Huffington Post was a frequent visit of mine and I often found that the articles in their “divorce” section spurred my own ideas, which I frequently left on their page. Then, in April, much to my surprise, I was asked to write a piece for them sharing my story.

And, oh what a ride that was. The piece went viral, sending over 20,000 visitors to my site in two days. It was cross-posted around the world in a variety of languages. The comments poured in. Most were shocked. Many were supportive. And some were hateful.

It was a strange feeling. Until that point, I had a relatively small and insular group of readers. I had kept my name hidden (thus stilllearning2b). My readers were supportive and understanding. The readers of Huff Post? Not so much. This was a crossroads for me – I had to decide if I wanted to pull back or go full force with my story, not knowing what the repercussions would be and having to thicken my skin in the process.

I think my choice is evident. I remembered my motivation to share in the first place – I didn’t want anyone to feel alone in their journey as I once did. I kept writing, adding more Huffington pieces and adding MindBodyGreen and others to the list.

Key Posts:

Check Out My Article in the Huffington Post!

Signs in the Rearview Mirror

Reaction

Strange Place to Be

Tsunami Divorce

8 Ways Yoga Supported Me Through Divorce

Have You Taken Out Your Mental Garbage?

The Long Con

Getting Away With Bigamy

The Book

By the end of July, the book was finally finished and ready to be published. I wondered if I would still feel the compulsion to write now that the project was complete. Again, I had nothing to worry about.

This period was when I really began to identify as a writer. I decided to be transparent in the process and share my story of self-publishing and writing for Huffington Post. The completion of the book also put me in a different place emotionally, and my posts began to focus more on present day rather than with wrestling demons from the past.

Key Posts:

When Can I Call Myself a Writer?

Adventures in Publishing

Adventures in Publishing, Part II

From Victim to Victory

How to Become a Huffington Post Blogger

Welcoming the End of an Era

Write Yourself Through Divorce

Beyond Belief

Things exploded in the early fall. Another Huffington article went viral and I began to be contacted almost daily by producers. Most offers fell flat for one reason or another, but The Jeff Probst Show became a reality in September. It. Was. Surreal.

I had already exposed my identity to the internet, but now my “teacher persona” and “blogger persona” met for the first time. My coworkers read my book and approached me in the halls, giving me sympathetic hugs. My student’s parents sent me encouraging emails and engaged in whispered conversations at school events.

My little blog project wasn’t so little any more and it had grown well beyond what I could control. There was some anxiety associated with being so “out there.” It’s not always easy to have strangers comment on your life, your feelings and your actions.

Key Posts:

Time Travel

If You Missed the Show

My Motivation

Who Is He?

Lisa Arends on The Moffett Message

Marital Fraud: Questions Answered

The Blessings

I keep coming back to this. Every time I ponder pulling back, I receive an email or comment that helps me recommit to sharing. I have been so touched, so humbled and so inspired by the messages I receive or the posts I read from others who are surviving their own tsunamis. Additionally, I have found that writing reminds me of what I have in my life; it makes me grateful for what is rather than bitter for what was lost. I no longer feel alone. I am amazed at the supportive community that is all around us if we are willing to be vulnerable and show our pain. You guys are awesome:)

Key Posts:

Extend a Hand

Marathon Recap: I Won

Forgiveness 101

Quitting vs Letting Go

This is a Test of the Emergency Rant System

Practicing What I Preach

Love After Divorce: A Reflection on a Journey

I am a planner by nature. It is somewhat uncomfortable for me to accept that I don’t know what 2013 will bring. So here’s to letting go of expectations, staying in the moment, practicing gratitude and sharing the love:) I wish all of you the happiest of new years!