The Bathroom Drawer

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I was giving a tour of the new home.

“And this is Brock’s bathroom.”

“He gets the master bath?” my friend inquired, surprised.

“Yup. In this case, it’s a key to marital bliss. That way my blind self doesn’t trip over his detritus and I don’t wake him up when I get ready at the crack of dawn,” I explained.

She nodded, understanding.

“I am envious of these drawers, though,” my hand already beginning to open one of the six drawers built into the cabinet.

As my arm began to pull, my brain stuttered. I realized that I had no idea at all what was contained within that drawer. I hoped that it was nothing that would be embarrassing to reveal.

Luckily, the drawer only contained the usual bathroom items (along with a couple remnants of the paining work we had done).

But it also contained a lesson for me.

In my old life and my old home, I knew (or, more accurately, thought I knew) what resided behind every closed drawer. I thought I knew everything about my ex husband, that there was no uncharted territory. I believed there were no secrets, even of the unintentional kind.

And so, whenever a drawer (both real and metaphorical) was opened, I saw what I expected to see.

It’s never been that way with Brock. Perhaps because of my background or maybe because we’re coming together in mid-life after living separate lives for many years, he remains at least somewhat mysterious to me. Even though we share stories of our pasts, they are just samples, not the entire spread. Although we share space, we each have out own territory and I don’t feel the need to be an explorer on an expedition to his office.

I don’t think I know what he is going to say.

So I listen.

I don’t have any expectations of what I will see.

So I look.

At first, this felt a bit scary to me. I wondered if I would ever feel like I knew him as well as I knew my ex.

But then I realized, I only thought I knew my ex.

The comfort in that was the wool over my eyes.

I like the dash of mystery.

The reminder that he is Brock before he is my husband.

A reminder to listen. To see.

Rather than assume.

And also a reminder not to open drawers in fron of someone without verifying its contents first:)

 

Cheers

Posted on by stilllearning2b

My mom is off to Italy soon on her dream trip of a lifetime (may the cobblestones be smooth, the blisters scarce and the lines short).

She sent wedding gifts in advance of her departure since she will be overseas during the celebration (toss a coin into the Trevi fountain for me, please!)

The last one took me by surprise.

As I battled with the endless folds of cardboard and the mobius-like twists of extra strong packing tape, I realized that the box contained a frame. Or actually, several. One of those displays that is comprised of many attached picture frames.

As I victoriously tore away a sticky note-sized piece of cardboard, I saw my grandmother’s familiar face. She had a glass in one hand and a smile on her lips.

I tore some more.

And saw my mom, stepdad and his mom, all with glasses and smiles.

They seemed like strange photos to select.

But then I revealed a bit more.

A family friend, aunt really, who was clinking a steel wine goblet against a toaster.

Ahhh, got it:)

My suspicions were confirmed as the last of the cardboard sheath fell to floor, revealing almost a dozen pictures, containing 28 family members, all raising a toast to our wedding.

Some were dressed up. Others were casual. Some had juice. Or beer. Or wine. One precious little one drank to our happiness from her baby bottle. And a furry one toasted with her favorite toy.

The pictures are from Texas. And Wisconsin. And Washington. And Oregon. And even California.

Some of the family members I see every couple years. While, with others, it’s much longer between visits.

It’s such an amazing feeling to gaze upon those pictures and feel the support of so many, even when they are far away.

And that’s what family is. I only share blood ties with a handful of those in the frame (I had to chuckle when describing the relationships to a visiting friend last night while showing her the gift. “I guess it’s a modern family,” I said.), we are tied by a sense of belonging. Of support. It doesn’t matter how the ties were formed. Once there, they’re not broken.

And in less than two weeks, Brock and I will officially become family. I feel a sense of belonging. Of support. It doesn’t matter what led up to this. We’re family now.

And I’ll toast to that:)

Re(s)training Order

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I had to take out a restraining order yesterday.

Nope, not on my ex.

Or some crazy blog stalker.

But on myself.

You see, I have a certain behavioral tendency that I don’t like and that I want to change. And I had a chance to practice yesterday.

I came in the door at my usual 5:00. Brock and I exchanged a quick hug and a few words before he ran off to the gym and I ran off to..well, to a run. Our time was brief, but totally normal.

I came back from the run around 6:15 to find Brock tackling the garage, the one area in the house that was still unusable. He was working quickly, I guess to try to beat the clock before he had to leave for ju jitsu. But more than that, he felt distant. Unreachable. Of course, that’s my mind putting its own spin on it:)

I hung around for a few minutes to try to help before giving up. I retreated upstairs to take care of Tiger and some other evening chores.

My instinct is to press to find out what’s wrong. To question. To poke at it. I’m looking for reassurance that it’s not something to do with me and I am also looking for something I can fix.

I panic. I don’t know why. We all get frazzled. We all get overwhelmed. Lord knows, I come into the house plenty of times still carrying the frantic energy of my day and some of that bleeds out even though it has nothing at all to do with Brock. I also am very familiar with the fixation that can occur when trying to accomplish a task quickly. Hell, I did it today. I was short with a coworker when she interrupted me while I was trying to complete a study guide in the 5 minutes before the bell.

I get it mentally. But my emotions are a slow learner.

I find myself taking very frequent temperature checks of the relationship. Which is good. But it also means that I can get false readings or see a trend when there is nothing there.

I know this is a remnant of the divorce. My first marriage ended and I saw no signs. I’m petrified of missing signs again. I can be not unlike a lost driver with poor eyesight (okay, that would frequently be me:) ), slowing down and squinting at every street sign, afraid of missing the one spelled out in the directions.

But this isn’t my first marriage. I missed signs partly because they were covered and partly because I didn’t believe they could exist. That’s not the case now. I can relax. Not into full autopilot but also not the intense drive of one on a new and treacherous course.

So last night, I took out a restraining order on myself. I asked once if he was okay and then I disengaged. I trusted. I relaxed. I let him be and I let it be.

And, you know what?

It was okay.

A friend of ours came over while he was still at ju jitsu. The friend and I spent time on the porch (shocking, right?) talking about his recent trip and his relationship. By the time Brock came home, all was well. The garage was done, another item ticked off the list. Ju jitsu was enjoyed. And he was back.

Not that he ever left.

With practice, I’ll teach my brain not to create mountain ranges (yeah, I go big time) out of molehills. I’ll continue to check the temperature but also work to realize that sometimes a reading has nothing to do with anything (for some reason, this makes me think of the scene in Ferris Bueller where he uses the heating pad to fake a fever. yup, child of the 80s here). I’ll work to take the ego out of it (what, you mean something may not have to do with me???) and think of times when I am frazzled, focused or distant. I’ll apply restraint and keep myself from poking at it like some sticked-arm kid with a flattened squirrel (gross, but just about as pointless).

Just like I can still teach my old cat some new tricks, I can still learn as well. Although my retraining doesn’t necessitate the use of kibble:)

 

 

The Small Stuff (and I’m Not Sweating)

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Now that the move is complete, Brock and I have been able to shift our focus to wedding-related matters. We’ve been following up with people who haven’t RSVPed to the e-vite (maybe I should send them a GIF of a self addressed stamped envelope?:) ). I’ve been building a list of dog-friendly and vegetarian-friendly eateries in the Smokies (for some reason, this seems to be a rather short list – Asheville, please spread your influence!). I’ve made an appointment to have my hair done (even though salons are a source of strange anxiety for me) and I’ve placed the order for some Maryland crab cakes to be delivered to the cabin to surprise Brock on the eve of our wedding.

(I made crab cakes for him one year for his birthday. After nearly passing out from having my meat-phobic hands wrist deep in fish flesh, I opted for the mail order, pre-formed option. Worth every penny!).

Somehow, I managed to keep track of all the wedding related goods during the move and they now sit waiting patiently in a closet: my dress, shoes, borrowed jewelry, wedding rings and a choice of three bow ties for Tiger. Soon, they will be joined by hiking boots and walking sticks as we gather together items for our time in the mountains.

Although I’m not sure how much hiking we’ll get done.

This past Saturday, we enjoyed our first lazy afternoon in I-don’t-know-how-long. We napped (even me!), lazed around on the bed, enjoyed some non-linear, non-goal oriented conversation and topped it off with a great dinner. I know I said exhale last week, but this was the first true exhale. And it was awesome.

And I chose to let it stay awesome even when the small stuff threatened to interrupt.

As we were discussing the details of the wedding party weekend, I realized that I had neglected to order a cake (a simple sheet cake from Publix and a baby “smash cake” from a local gluten free bakery for me – go ahead and laugh at the image of me “eating” a cake like a one year old!). I started to add it to my mental to-do list and then stopped. Looked at the detail. Decided it wasn’t worth it, and dropped it.

There will be no declarations at our celebration of, “Let them eat cake.” If they want cake badly enough, they can walk next door to Publix and get some. As for me, I’d rather spend the time visiting with people I don’t see much than risking hyperglycemia from some heavily sugared concoction.

I used to let details bother me; I sweated the small stuff so much that I could have earned a second degree in Pressure Acquisition and Management.

But not anymore.

It’s like my divorce was one big application of anti-perspirant, putting all of the small stuff in perspective and highlighting its relative unimportance.

And, right now, it’s more important for me to enjoy my new home and husband-to-be, plan great lessons for my kiddos and welcome my favorite season (why, oh why does Starbucks not have a light version of the pumpkin spice latte…I haven’t had one in four years, but I’m not sure I can hold out much longer!) than it is to worry about details like cake.

Although, don’t worry dad, I haven’t forgotten the detail about picking you up from the airport.

Inside Out

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I made the mistake in my prior marriage of attributing too much to outside factors.

(Side note: I think our words of choice are quite telling. I’ve gone from saying “my marriage” to “my first marriage” or “my prior marriage.” without any thought. Interesting. On a side side note, only 2 1/2 weeks until the wedding!)

And there were plenty of external factors to blame in the final year of my marriage. On my side, I was dealing with a horrific work environment and working long additional hours doing math tutoring. It was easy to understand why I was stressed and burned out; I allowed myself no time to relax. On my ex’s side, he was facing a scary health crisis, uncontrolled hypertension, that was defying an underlying diagnosis and treatment. He had experienced several episodes of losing consciousness and frequently felt ill.

When he seemed “off,” I blamed it on his fear and his illness.

When I seemed anxious, I blamed it on my borderline-abusive situation at work and the associated stress.

It made sense that he would be scared of his medical condition and what it might mean. It made sense that I would be carrying stress about work.

But those were merely scapegoats for the trouble within. I believe his illness was caused by the tension of maintaining the facade he created. I think I wouldn’t allow myself to relax because some part of me was scared of what I would see if I did.

The problems were inside of each of us but it was so much easier to point fingers at the outside.

But that’s not to say that the outside not impact what happens in a marriage. After all, no relationship occurs in a vacuum. I’ve been reminded of this recently (luckily in a good way!) with Brock.

When we first moved in together, I joined him in his town home. There was some stress involved. First, I was the new one in his established space – never an easy transition. Additionally, the place was on the market and so we knew that our time there was limited. The next house, the rental we just left, allowed us to jointly establish space, yet the general disrepair of the place as well as his mourning the loss of a home that he had personalized, added some negative energy. And, now for the first time, we are in a home together that we both feel good about and can establish from the beginning.

And it’s changed us.

There were certain behavior patterns or traits with both of us that I had viewed as innate, internal. But now that we are happy in our space, those patterns are changing after only a week. For the better. Although we both have generally positive attitudes about temporary situations, the stress of unsatisfactory housing had its impact.

I had been blaming the inside when this time, the fingers should have been pointed outwards.

So what’s the lesson in this?

Relationships are built upon a complex interplay between internal and external factors. It makes no sense to discount the impact of either when trying to understand or improve a situation. The outside influence can be used to your advantage, thus the often-heard recommendation to take a vacation to reinvigorate a flagging relationship. It can also harm a relationship as it applies external stressors. Don’t be too quick to place all blame on the outside but also don’t neglect its influence. The reality is that most issues in a relationship have internal and external factors. Pay attention to both.

In math, we use the acronym “FOIL” to teach the multiplication of binomials. It stands for first, outside, inside, last. This same acronym can be modified for relationships:

First, outside

Inside, last.

Meaning, first look to outside influenced on your relationship. Often times, just recognizing their impact can make a difference. Other times, you can actively work to change your environment. But then, look inside and make sure that you’re aligned there as well. If you only take one perspective, you’re only looking at half the picture.

As for me, I’m happy to be on the far side of 2 1/2 years of housing stress and I’m enjoying where we are in this moment. Both inside and out:)