10 Ways Dating is Like Shopping For a New Wardrobe

Posted on by stilllearning2b

 

1 – You know those items you bought because they represented who you want to be seen as or because they were marked on sale only to languish in the back of the closet because they never were really quite right? It’s easy to do with people too – to drift into a relationship because the person looks good on paper or because we’re afraid to pass up what seems like a good deal. But it doesn’t matter how many boxes they tick if you’re only going to take them out due to a sense of obligation.

2 – Do you have that special go-to outfit that you pull out whenever you need a jolt of confidence? Clothes have power – when it’s right it not only makes you look good, it makes you feel good too. Likewise, that’s a sign that you’ve landed on a compatible partner. The right person highlights your best attributes and minimizes your flaws.

3 – I used to have a pair of jeans that I absolutely loved. They hugged the curves in all the right places and yet still managed to be flexible enough to let me move. Those jeans are now rarely worn since my body had changed in the intervening years and the denim has not. Sometimes the fit can be altered, and sometimes it’s fixed. People are the same. You may find someone who is great fit for you now but may not be suitable down the road.

4 – The stores are always pushing the latest trends. Overwhelming the senses with eye-catching displays enticing you to buy something that will become irrelevant (and thus unwearable) within the year, encouraging you to open your wallet yet again. The wiser buyers resist this pull and instead head to the more sedate racks in the back where the timeless pieces can be found. All of that peacocking is also evident on the dating scene – the bright baubles and carefully arranged coiffing vying for our attention. When often we’re better off investing in the more boring and yet enduring ones.

5 – It can be a little unsettling to learn that the sweater you just purchased had been taken home by someone else. At first, you can’t help but think their presence, their flesh on the inside of your garment. But soon enough, it simply becomes your sweater with your scent and the imprint of your form starting to customize its shape. Similarly, it can be strange heading into dating when most of the people have been divorced – bought and returned, if you will. It’s easy to focus on where they’ve been. But as long as they’re still in good condition, their prior journeys will soon fade away.

6 – There’s a reason that the most exclusive stores are often the smallest – we become overwhelmed when presented with too many choices. Those enormous warehouse-styled stores with their endless racks provide endless opportunity and also endless discontentment. What if there’s a better choice in the next aisle? Dating has suffered the same fate. The friend of a friend has been replaced with technology-supported warehouses of endless options, the result of which can leave of paralyzed and unable to choose.

7 – Even though I know better, I still make the mistake sometimes. I commit to piece of clothing without taking the time to try it on. Only to discover that it doesn’t really fit right. And then I usually suck it up and keep it because, let’s face it, returning something is a hassle and can even be uncomfortable. It’s easy to make the same error in dating, to pledge loyalty to someone before really trying them on and then to hold on to them too long once the mismatch is discovered.

8 – I’m convinced that the people who design fitting room mirrors and lighting are sadists. I mean, I don’t really look like that, do I??? There is nothing like trying on clothing to make you feel insecure about yourself. Well, except dating, that is. Trying on anything brings out our inner doubt and feeds our self-judgement.

9 – Speaking of fitting rooms, they can begin to feel like jail cells built atop a treadmill, as you endless try on and discard items looking for the best fit. Fitting room fatigue is real. There’s a reason they always offer benches so that you can rest and find your second wind. Dating can be equally as tiring. Luckily, you can always find a place to rest for a bit.

10 – I loved that shirt. I mean, really loved it. I gave it a place of honor in my closet and washed it with such care for the first few months. It was special and I made sure to treat it that way. Yet in time, life seemed to speed up and one weekend, I carelessly tossed that once-precious shirt into the dryer, ruining it forever. Finding the right piece is only the beginning. You have to take care of it. When we stumble upon a new partner, the novelty and excitement of it all ensure attention. It’s on us to make sure that attention and care doesn’t fade.

On the Need For Action

Posted on by stilllearning2b
need for action

I just received a call from my husband, who is on the road to Alabama for work. He mentioned a major wreck that shut down the interstate and expressed appreciation for his GPS which found him an alternate route through the country. He conceded that the alternate path was significantly longer and probably wouldn’t actually save him time over simply waiting for the accident to clear. Then he added,

“As long as I’m moving forward, I’m psychologically happy.”

Pretty profound. And certainly doesn’t just apply to being on the road.

Disney designs their rides to keep the lines flowing towards intermediate goals. Video games are tooled so that plays are rewarded with ever-increasing levels. Students are motivated by graduating from one grade and advancing to the next. The popular “snowball method” of debt management basis its success on the intrinsic rewards found in tangible progress.

As long as we’re moving forward, we’re psychologically happy.

A sensation of being stuck breeds frustration. Forced stillness creates a feeling of being powerless. And the longer you’re immobile, the worse you feel.

Defeated, it’s easy to give up and sit down. To claim that we cannot move forward because of the obstacles in our way. To bemoan the length of the journey and elect to not undertake the path. To put so much energy into cursing what caused the standstill that there is little left over to press the gas pedal. To neglect to consult the GPS and instead passively sit behind the barriers before us, getting more exasperated with each passing minute spent in neutral.

Movement bestows a feeling of influence. Of progress. Of purpose.

As long as we’re moving forward, we’re psychologically happy.

Even if the path is circuitous. Even if the headway is painfully slow. And even if you have to retrace your steps.

Objects at rest tend to stay at rest; objects in motion tend to stay in motion.

Make inertia work for you.

Keep moving forward.

Why Rock Bottom is a Powerful Place

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Rock Bottom.

A place that brings dread.

That no one would choose to visit.

And yet it is also a place of mysterious power.

That allows us to tap into the power within ourselves.

Because when you’re at Rock Bottom you have…

Nothing to Lose

In one moment, I lost my husband, my money, my dogs, my home, my health and almost my sanity. I went from a middle class suburbanite to someone who was technically homeless (at least according to the 2010 census) and could fit all of her belongings in her car.

I realized during that period how much I had become attached to those things in my life. And how, in many cases, I had assigned them more weight than they actually carried.

Rock Bottom is a time of non-attachment. Of acceptance of the non-permanence of life and our own locus of control.

Nothing to Fear

My biggest fear in life was always losing my husband. So when I eventually did lose him, it was actually kind of a relief. Not because I wanted him gone (not at first), but because I had lost my main reason to fear.

And that was incredibly freeing.

I found myself taking risks that I would not have taken earlier, exchanging the “sure thing” for a “let’s try this and see what happens.” I worried less and lived more.

When you’re at Rock Bottom, you’re not worried about falling. After all, that’s already happened and you’re still breathing.

Nothing to Hide From Yourself

I spent years confusing desire with belief, wanting so badly for certain things to be true that I convinced myself that they were. And refusing to look too closely when something whispered otherwise.

I believed on some level that I couldn’t handle the truth and so I operated to protect myself. Until I couldn’t any longer. And once on that cold, hard floor, I had two realizations: 1) I was facing it head on and 2) I was strong enough to do so.

When you fall to Rock Bottom, the lenses of your rose-colored glasses shatter. At first, the world may seem harsh. But eventually, you’ll realize that clarity provides you with a sense of peace.

Nothing But Opportunity 

I spent so much of my adult life reacting without much thought to what I wanted. He needed to move in order to work? I dropped everything and relocated after living alone for a year. He lost his job and I needed to find steady employment? Teaching career, check.

I stopped thinking about what I wanted, put my head down and barreled through. And I didn’t stop until I hit the earth, stunned into silence.

We spend much of our lives simply taking one step in front of the other after we’ve decided which direction to go. Rock Bottom is a pause. An opportunity for reassessment. Do you still want to follow your same path or is it time for something new? This is your chance.

Your stay at Rock Bottom will be fleeting.

Make the most of it.

Let the Things That Hurt You, Change You

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“I just want to go back to how things were.”

Have you ever uttered those words? Experienced that sentiment?

I know I have.

Had that desire for a time machine or, at the very least, a teflon skin that deflects any residue of experience.

A feeling that I’m somehow worse for wear, a sweater carelessly thrown into the dryer, its once-secure weave now shrunken and puckered and pilling.

I sometimes wish I had experienced an air-dry life, gentle and considerate, leaving me washed and yet untouched.

But then I think about having that kind of life. Living like you’re the prized possession too valuable to be removed from the box.

And what’s the point of a life that isn’t really lived?

I’d rather live to the fullest. Take risks. Feel the pain and wear the scars. Embrace the collisions with life as an opportunity to transform.

And to allow those things that hurt me, change me.

 

If It Doesn’t Have a Solution, It’s Not a Problem

Posted on by stilllearning2b
doesn't have a solution

If it doesn’t have a solution…

Do you have somebody in your life that approaches every complaint of yours as a problem to be solved? Who bypasses the details and the nuance in favor of making sweeping diagnoses and proposing a strategy to fix the situation?

I know when that happens to me, I get frustrated. Especially when the suggested “solutions” are far off base or overly simplistic and fail to address the realities contained within.

I get frustrated, but I also understand the motivation. None of us likes to see those we care about struggle and we want to be able to help, to take action.

They want there to be a solution, so they choose to see it as a problem.

Sometimes we grapple with this ourselves. We turn over a situation in our minds like a puzzle box, looking for the entry point that will lead to a resolution. Convinced that if we only searched hard enough or tried enough options, we would be able to solve the dilemma.

We grow frustrated as each attempt falls short. Internalizing the failure. Berating ourselves for failing to change another. Or to alter some external situation.

We want to be able to find a solution, so we choose to view it as a problem.

But if there is no solution,

No answer that we can reach,

No change that we can enforce,

It is not a problem to be solved.

It is a truth to accept.

So before you waste your time trying to find a solution, first make sure that it really is a problem.