Looking the Wrong Direction

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When I was young, I used to drive my mom crazy by insisting upon walking one direction while holding my gaze steady in another. When the inevitable collisions and falls occurred, I would cry out. Partly in pain and partly from surprise. Because even though I wasn’t watching where I was walking, I couldn’t believe that I ran into trouble.

Even though I got better at walking as I got older, it turns out I didn’t really get much better at looking where I was headed. At least when it came to marriage. Because like so many of us do, while I was saying my vows, I was looking the wrong direction.

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Before deciding to marry, people often worry about the seriousness and permanence of pledging to spend a lifetime with one person. They worry about forever in a world where there are no certainties and you never really know what lies around the next bend.

They may express concern about the consequences and potential sacrifice of pledging sexual fidelity to one person. A fear arises about the bedroom dying, a gangrenous limb attached to the ailing body of the marriage.

There may be a concern that the attentive and attractive new spouse may change over time and that the current positive feelings may not weather the transition. There’s a sense of promising to love someone as they are now and hoping that you’ll still love the person they become.

We might worry about our partner’s future abilities as a breadwinner or a parent. We know how they fit into our lives now, but we are unsure of how their role may change as families and jobs change around us.

And perhaps most common and most pressing, we wonder if we are choosing to marry the right person. We consider his or her weaknesses and wonder if we can tolerate them for-potentially-ever. We may look at their family and pick apart their issues and personalities. Economically-driven thoughts may filter through, as we wonder if this person is the best we can do.

But none of these fears address what is really important.

We’re looking in the wrong direction.

Because what we should be concerned with is not the unknowable future, not the inevitable changes that will occur and not even so much the person we have chosen to marry.

Instead of looking outward, we would be better served by looking at ourselves. Because if you’re anything like me, that’s really what you should be scared of.

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I did my share of considering all sides of my first husband before we got married. I knew his ups, his downs, his family skeletons and thought I had a good handle on what I was signing up for. I knew he was good to me and thought he was good for me.

And I was looking the wrong way.

Looking where I wanted.

Instead of where I was going.

Because I was afraid of seeing the truth.

I asked the easy questions and accepted the easy answers.

Because I was afraid of hearing the truth.

And when my marriage ran into trouble, I cried out. Partly in pain and partly from surprise. Because even though I wasn’t watching where I was walking, I couldn’t believe that I ran into misfortune.

—–

My ex husband christened himself a coward in the text that ended the marriage. His cowardice was overt, leading one life with me while hiding a covert life behind my back.

My cowardice was more subtle, a fear of things too big to handle. A child’s view of “If I can’t see it, it can’t get me.”

And so before my second marriage, I most certainly spent energy considering my potential spouse. Making sure he possessed the adaptability to handle life’s curves and the courage to face life’s troubles. I made sure his strengths and weaknesses were compatible with mine and that his shortcomings weren’t deal-breakers.

But I spent much more energy on myself. At working at being more brave about asking the hard questions and being willing to listen to hard answers. At seeing what is there, even when it is threatening. At trusting myself to be strong enough to handle the truth, no matter how awful it may become.

Because here’s what I realized – how I approach my marriage, my partner is just as important (if not more so) than all of those other concerns above.

Looking in the right direction doesn’t guarantee that I will never fall, but it certainly lowers the risk of surprise and the frequency of accidental collisions.

I guess I’ll have to find another way to drive mom crazy:)

What We Can All Learn From “Married At First Sight”

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The concept of this show fascinates me. It’s taking the concept of arranged marriage, adding the knowledge and support of psychologists and relationship experts and applying the mixture on modern singles who, by the very fact they are willing to take this risk, may not be very traditional. The show’s participants first must submit to hours of interviews and psychological tests in addition to a home visit before they are even considered. Then, when the producers have their potential partners narrowed down, the experts (a psychologist, a sexologist and a spiritual advisor) sift through the candidates in order to determine which ones would make good matches.

Not for a date.

Or even to live on an island together for a month.

But for a marriage.

A legally binding, til death do us part promise, delivered to a person they have never met.

Yikes.

Now, of course this is sensational. And extreme for most of us. But it’s also a very interesting social experiment that has some surprising elements of wisdom that we can all learn from.

Even good people may not make good spouses

It’s interesting to hear the experts debate about the candidates. They each have their own particular insight into personalities and insecurities. And they frequently will classify a person as a really good guy/gal, but pass them by because they are doubtful of their ability to make a good spouse.

There is a difference between being a good person and being a good partner. And that’s an important distinction to be aware of, whether you’re in the role of the good-person-but-not-relationship-ready or you’ve fallen for a good person who is missing key elements of relationship readiness. Sometimes good people need to be good and single, at least for now. And that’s okay.

There’s no such thing as a perfect match

As the experts solidify the matches, they point out areas where the proposed couple may struggle. And that’s after a pool of thousands has been scrutinized, analyzed and organized.

Because when you bring together two imperfect people, you’re going to have an imperfect union.

The participants are counseled before they commit to the experience that their match will not be utopian. And that’s a good conviction to start a marriage with. Because when you don’t lead with the expectation of perfection, you’re less likely to run away at the first sign of disharmony.

Marriage requires sustained effort

The participants go in with the assumption that they’re going to have to work at building a relationship with the stranger-spouse. Whereas, in a typical marriage,  we go in with the assumption that the work (dating, etc.) is already done. There’s a dangerous belief out there which states that marriage should not require work and that one that makes demands of effort is somehow lacking in authenticity.

Either those that perpetuate that myth have never been married to a person with their own beliefs and opinions or they misunderstand the definition of work. Because marriage absolutely requires work – mental or physical effort expended with the intention of achieving a desired purpose or result. And if you don’t work at it, it won’t work for you.

Let your support system support you

The participants in the show may have to deal with the endless cameras and individual interviews, but they are lucky in one regard – they have support and a lot of it. Most of us are not fortunate enough to be surrounded by a team of professionals that are all rooting for our marriage.

Yet even though we don’t have the budget of television, we can all choose to surround ourselves with people that support us AND believe in our marriage. The people we encircle our marriage with are almost as important as the person we choose to marry.

Attraction can grow

Some of the matched pairs display an immediate attraction. But most approach their spouse for what he or she is – a stranger. Neither compelling or repealing, but simply an unknown that they are about to pledge their commitment to. But those that agree to this experiment all have a powerful belief that attraction can grow and be cultivated.

Not convinced? Have you ever felt attraction fade due to inattention or a focus on the negative? Why would this only run in a single direction? Whatever you nurture, grows. Rather than gazing over the fence, water your own grass and grow the attraction in your marriage.

Let’s talk about sex BEFORE we talk about marriage

I applaud the inclusion of an expert in sex and intimacy on the show. Sex is important in a marriage and while any amount or type of sex is variable and up for debate, the spouses’ agreement on it is not. As with anything, it is easy to lead with assumptions and shame about sex – “This is what I like, so it must also be what my partner likes.” “The amount of sex I want is normal and anybody who wants more or less is either sex-addicted or frigid.” “I’m uncomfortable talking about sex, but it’s just the act that matters, right?” “Sex is a sign of a healthy relationship.” “A relationship must be healthy before sex can take place.”

Of course, the couples in the show don’t have the opportunity to discuss sexual needs, desires and hang-ups before the marriage. So the experts do it for them. They are careful to avoid pairing someone with more puritanical views with a person who is more passionate and adventurous. For the rest of us, we have to do that talking ourselves. And yes, it is important to talk. Because the added hormones at the beginning of a relationship can hide a lot of incompatibility.

Commit to the marriage separate from the person

On the best days, you will be committed to your marriage AND to your spouse. But they’re not all best days. In fact, some of the days of the marriage will be awful. And those are the days to be even more resolute in your commitment. Not to your partner (especially if you can’t even look at them without growling at the moment), but to the marriage.

And that’s exactly what the participants in the show do. They’ve committed to the marriage (and yes, to the show) before they ever pledged their loyalty to a particular spouse. And there’s real value in that. As long as the spouse is not abusive, let your commitment to the marriage be the glue that keeps you together through the hard times.

Focus on fixing yourself and getting to know your partner

It’s so easy to focus on your partner’s flaws and to pronounce that everything would be better if he or she would simply change. Yet in the show, that option is rarely there since the spouses know next-to-nothing about each other. Instead, they (with the encouragement of the support professionals), work to address their own issues and insecurities while making an effort to get to know their partner. They’re a little less likely to lay blame at the feet of the other.

Those duel processes – improving yourself and listening to your partner without assumptions – are ongoing. People are dynamic. Marriages are dynamic. If you stay static, you’ll miss the magic.

At the end of the show, some spouses do call it quits and decide to divorce. But others see the potential and the progress and elect to stay married.

And at the end of the day, marriage is more about the hundreds of commitments made every day than the single big vow on the wedding day.

 

Guest Post – Do I Have to Pay Child Support For My Adult Children?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Are you still wondering about how long you will have to pay child support? You might think that you don’t have to pay support after a child’s 18th birthday. However, the truth may not be so cut and dry.

There is a lot of misinformation out there on this topic, and a lot of people assuming the wrong thing. So today, the team at Fine & Associates are here to shed some light on paying child support for adult children in Ontario.

When Your Child Is Still in School

The Ontario Family Law Act states that “every parent has an obligation to provide support for his or her unmarried child who is a minor or is enrolled in a full time program of education, to the extent that the parent is capable of doing so.”

This piece of legislation stipulates that an unmarried child who is a minor or who is enrolled in a full time program of education is eligible for support only if he or she hasn’t voluntarily withdrawn from parental control, meaning that he or she has moved out and is living on his or her own.

When Your Child Is Ill or Disabled

The federal Divorce Act stipulates that a parent must provide support for their child who “is the age of majority or over and under their charge but unable, by reason of illness, disability or other cause, to withdraw from their charge or to obtain the necessities of life.”

That illness or disability might not be physical. In the case of Greenberg v. Greenberg, the judge found that the couple’s 19 year old daughter did not have the maturity or emotional stability to be able to withdraw from parental control. She was not going to be able to finish high school without financial support. The judge ordered support payments to continue as the young woman finished high school and worked part-time.

Other Situations

The federal Divorce Act is broader than Ontario’s Family Law Act. Therefore, there is a wider range of situations under which a parent would be ordered to pay an adult child’s support.

In the case of Willock v. Willock, a judge ordered a young woman’s parents to continue paying support as she trained to become a competitive cyclist. The judge reasoned that even if this young woman didn’t succeed as a competitive cyclist, her training would enable her to pursue “economic independence” as a cycling instructor.

Not a Straightforward Answer

As you can see, there are too many factors involved to give you a finite yes or no answer.

If you feel like you shouldn’t be paying child support any more, it’s always best to speak to a divorce lawyer. We recommend talking to lawyer before you speak to your ex spouse about any new child support arrangements.

This can take a lot of emotion out of the conversation, while arming you with legal facts- not just your opinion.

 

Author Bio:

Fine & Associates Professional Corporation is a well-respected Toronto law firm that prides itself on providing quality, personal service at reasonable rates. The firm’s lawyers practice divorce and family law exclusively, and are experienced in all types of cases, including but not limited to child support, child custody, and divorce mediation.

 

Do’s And Don’ts When Your Partner Withdraws

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It can be quite painful when you sense that your partner is pulling away or retreating within. It’s easy to climb the panic ladder, following a trail of assumptions that determine that the withdrawal is a sign of a fatal condition.

And yes, withdrawal is a sign. A sign that something is unbalanced in your partner’s world and he or she is attempting to reinstate equilibrium. And that’s often an inside job.

So what’s your role when your partner withdraws? What actions are better avoided and which ones will render aid to the situation at hand?

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Don’t take it personally.

When somebody pulls away, it’s natural to jump to the conclusion that they’re pulling away from you. Yet that’s often not the case. In fact, here are 7 reasons that people withdraw in relationships. And many of those have nothing to do with the relationship at all.

And yes, maybe this particular withdrawal does originate from the relationship or perhaps it is a sign of a negative pattern of communication. But nothing good can come from reaching that conclusion prematurely.

Don’t smother.

My childhood dog was a free spirit, a wild child that always viewed an open door or loose dirt beneath a fence line as an opportunity for adventure. The first few times she escaped, I would run after her in desperation.

Which only made her run harder.

Eventually, I learned to sit still and she would often come to me.

When we are afraid of losing something (or someone), we often respond by grasping. When we feel suffocated by something (or someone), we often respond by running.

Don’t withdraw.

It can be painful to feel a distance between you and partner. Lonely. Isolating. And some respond to this pain by retreating inward themselves. And yes, it can feel safer behind that door. But two locked doors are more difficult to breach than one.

Don’t obsess.

Don’t provide sanctuary for a mindworm that feeds upon your fears. Your cyclical thoughts only serve to make you miserable; they offer nothing in the form of resolution or peace.

Don’t enable.

If your partner is making poor choices or refusing to seek assistance when it is obviously necessary, refrain from enabling those behaviors. Think tough love. Not sacrificial love.

———-

Do set boundaries.

Struggle is no excuse to act sh*tty. You do not  have to tolerate any and all behaviors. Decide where your boundaries lie. Communicate them. And then stand by them. Here is some further information on boundary-setting.

Do take care of yourself.

You’re in a tough spot. A position of helplessness and alienation. So be kind to yourself. Step up the self-care. Rally the supporters. Seek connection and reassurance from safe sources. Never allow one person to determine your worth.

Do seek an explanation.

You deserve to know what is going on. It may be that your partner does not have the words or ability to understand his or her own actions yet. You may need to be patient while being persistent that it is their responsibility to dig into the root causes of the behavior. And just how patient you will be is up to you (see boundaries).

Do be introspective.

While your partner is dealing with his or her own stuff, take an opportunity to examine your own thoughts and beliefs. I often see spouses giving up when their partner refuses to participate in couple’s counseling. When often, this is a great time to seek help by yourself, for yourself. It is a great time to examine patterns and assumptions that you may carry that impact your relationship.

Do offer support.

You and your partner are a team. And team members step up when one is taken down.

———-

Remember that you cannot control another’s actions, only your response. You cannot force your partner to come out of hibernation. But you can decide how you will survive the winter.

Dealing With Divorce? There’s An App For That

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Divorce can be alienating. It often feels as though you’re the only one dealing with the stuff you’re dealing with. At least in your usual social circles, where most people tend to sugar-coat and Photoshop.

There is a new and rapidly-growing community that aims to fill that void. To be the go-to for advice, inspiration and connection. A place where you can tell it like it is without fear of losing your friends. People you can turn to who have been there and done that (and maybe even used your soon-to-be-ex’s attorney as well). And a place where you can use what you have learned to help others as well.

And the coolest part? They just released an app, so it’s now easy to access on your mobile devices. Here’s the press release that also gives the motivation behind the site.

The idea behind the community is to help give you back your power during divorce through education, support and hope.

From the DivorceForce site:

How DivorceForce Empowers:

1) DivorceForce provides valuable information for people affected by divorce. DivorceForce is a combination of user-generated content with people sharing their experiences, original articles commissioned by DivorceForce and professional advice.DivorceForce delivers guidance on every topic related to divorce and relationships. There is a lot of information out there that is complex and hard to decipher. It’s difficult to know what is credible and what isn’t. DivorceForce has built a beautifully designed and easy to use, mobile app and website offering personalized content to each member.

2) Divorce is a community to bring people together whether they are contemplating, navigating, or have gone through divorce. DivorceForce users provide unique insights and personalized engagement to educate and support its community. It’s members include people like you as well as experts in many fields including legal, counseling, finance, dating, and much more.

3) DivorceForce provides the ability to connect with people in similar situations. Every divorce is unique and it is valuable to find people who may be at the same stage of divorce as you, beginning a custody battle, going through a forensic audit, or having just filed for divorce. DivorceForce members can connect with others in similar divorce situations. Think about the great value in being able to talk to someone who has appeared in front of the same judge or faced your spouse’s attorney.

DivorceForce is available at www.divorceforce.com , and in both the iTunes and Google Play stores. Join the community. Engage with others. Offer advice and share your experiences. Recommend DivorceForce to your friends, family, and colleagues or someone you know that needs inspiration and help.

So download the free app or check out the website. Ask an anonymous question or help somebody else with their dilemma. Think of DivorceForce as social media with a purpose – it’s building connections to help everybody impacted by divorce come through stronger, wiser and freer.