Critical Signs That Your Emotional Walls Are Too High

Posted on by stilllearning2b
emotional walls

After experiencing heartbreak, it’s natural to take a protective stance, to build emotional walls in an attempt to head off any additional pain and loss. These precautionary barricades serve an important purpose at first, as they help to shield us from additional assaults while we’re still tending to the wounds that require immediate attention and we are too fragile to withstand any further insults.

Yet left unchecked, these emotional walls that were initially constructed to provide security inadvertently become our own self-built prison. The possibility of connection exchanged for an illusion of safety. Left too long or built too high, we languish behind those emotional walls. Reassuring ourselves that at least we won’t get hurt again while at the same time allowing loneliness to slowly infect from within.

It’s difficult to accept that we’ve inadvertently walled ourselves in, depriving ourselves of the very things that nourish a heart and soul. It can be downright terrifying to take the risk to open up and again be vulnerable when the memory of the pain is still screaming in your ear.

Yet often the best places can only be reached by taking a leap of faith.

 

The following are signs that your emotional walls may be too high:

 

You Panic When You Become Vulnerable

It’s often referred to as flooding – that physical sense of overwhelming emotion. Your stomach churns. The blood rushes. And you’re filled with either an immediate need to escape or a total and complete shut-down.

This fight-or-flight reaction is completely normal when you’re in actual danger. However, when the response is this intense just because somebody saw through your defense, it’s an indicator that your emotional walls are too impenetrable.

Pay attention to those physical signs. Are they appropriate for the situation or are they an overreaction? If you find that you frequently panic or flood when emotions are present, it may be a sign that it’s time to learn how to live with these emotions (instead of simply trying to keep them at bay).

 

You Cut People Out As Soon As They Get Too Close

In general, there is an emotional dance that happens as you get to know somebody. Over time, the boundaries are renegotiated as trust is built and further access is allowed.

When the emotional walls are too high, this dance becomes interrupted as soon as the hidden tripwire is activated. And once this alarm sounds, the perceived interloper is immediately removed from the premises. Often for good.

There are certainly times when it is completely appropriate and healthy to remove somebody from your life. But if you have a history of cutting people out of your life, it may be a sign that you are afraid of letting them in. Examine your reasons for eliminating others from your life. Are they justified, or do they come down to excuses?

 

You Continually Choose Unavailable Partners

Do you know the best part about choosing unavailable partners? You always have a ready-made reason for the relationship not working out.

Consider who you are attracted to. Are they already in a relationship? Or are they hiding behind their own walls after facing heartbreak? Perhaps they are physically unavailable due to their location or the demands on their time?

When you’re staying in your comfort zone behind too-high emotional walls, unavailable partners are attractive because they will not try to get too close and they won’t challenge your duck-and-cover strategy. At the same time, accepting these partners is a guarantee that you will remain alone behind your walls.

 

You Become Defensive Whenever Somebody Questions Your Emotional Walls

“I’m not closed-off!” you insist when somebody notes your unwillingness to be vulnerable and authentic. “It’s just that I haven’t met the right person,” you continue, in an attempt to redirect the attention elsewhere. Or, perhaps you bring up your previous heartbreaks to justify your stance, “You would understand if you had felt pain like I have.”

A defensive response is often indicative of two things – 1) somebody is pushing against an area of tenderness and 2) they are uncovering some truth that you’re not ready to hear. Pay attention to who is hightailing your emotional walls. Are these people who are coming from a place of genuine concern (if so, it may behoove you to listen) or they predatory-types who want you to let them in (bye, Felecia)?

 

You Strive to Keep Areas of Your Life Completely Separated

It is completely normal to act differently with different people and to have distinct groups of friends related to areas of your life. But if you’re overly concerned about any overlap between these groups, it may be a sign that you’re trying to prevent any one person or group from getting to know you too well.

 

You Use Projection to Assume What Others Are Feeling

“They wouldn’t want to know,” you tell yourself as you bite your lip to avoid opening up. We all have a tendency to assume that others feel the way we do and to tell ourselves what we want to hear. Taken together, this means that when your emotional walls are too high, you are going to unconsciously reinforce that decision by assuming the intentions of those around you.

 

You Try to Control the Outcome

Ultimately, the construction and maintenance of emotional walls comes down to control. After experiencing the excruciating pain of loss, you strive to never feel it again. And since you cannot prevent others from leaving, you instead keep them from getting in.

And, of course, that is your choice. Letting down the walls carries with it some real risk. You may be invaded by those intending to do you harm. Or, you may find love only to suffer its end. Whenever we open ourselves to another, we are giving them the opportunity to cause pain.

The problems arise when we are not happy or fulfilled and we don’t recognize that ultimately we are the cause of our discontent. Or, more specifically, our self-made walls are. That those barricades that provided needed protection from the elements for healing to occur have now become obsolete or even detrimental.

At the end of the day, only you can decide for yourself –

Is love worth the risk?

 

Related: 9 Reasons You’re Struggling to Find Love Again

 

 

Beyond “Baggage” – Relationships After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

10 Ways to Make Online Dating Suck a Little Less

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Online dating can be awesome – you have a huge pool of potential dates to select from, you are able to screen for basic compatibility ahead of time and you can “meet” people while you’re on the sofa in your sweats. But online dating has its downsides. The sheer number of people available can be overwhelming and a succession of mediocre (or even terrible) encounters can leave you feeling defeated.

The following ideas can help you get the most out of your time with online dating –

 

1 – Ensure Your Basic Emotional and Social Needs Are Already Met

If you are turning to online dating to have your emotional needs met, you’re setting yourself up for failure. You can expect to have many superficial encounters and even if you meet someone that you click with, it will take time to build emotional intimacy with them.

Asking your online matches to meet your basic needs for connection and validation isn’t fair to them. They are not looking for someone to take care of (or, if they are, it’s a red flag that they’re not ready for a relationship); they are seeking someone to spend time with and get to know. It’s a lose-lose situation when people are too “hungry” for connection when they begin dating – the grasping will push others away and the need for emotional contact will go unfulfilled.

 

2 – Limit Your Choices

I remember when I first made my Match account about nine years ago. A newbie to online dating, I cast a wide net, basically setting my parameters as males between the ages of 25 and 45 in the metro Atlanta area. I was rewarded with a never-ending stream of profiles that numbered close to 40,000. I knew I needed to date a lot of men to learn more about what I was looking for, but that seemed a little excessive.

I was hesitant about narrowing my parameters too much, as my goal was to meet a variety of people. Luckily, Match had a manageable number of “daily picks” that they sent out and so I limited myself to pursuing those profiles.

We all can become overwhelmed when there are too many choices. In fact, a study with a jam display in a supermarket found that when there were too many varieties to choose from (I think the limit was eight), customers were less likely to make a purchase. But as soon as the choices were narrowed, selections increased. When we have a seemingly infinite number to choose from, we believe that we can always find one better. Of course, that means the looking becomes endless.

Find a way to curate the profiles you see. If you’re on a large dating site, explore how you can narrow the potential matches you see. Alternately, consider signing up for a smaller, more specialized site that already filters matches for you. Because when it comes to online dating, the number of people available is both a blessing and a curse.

 

3 – Meet Early and Have an Easy Out

One of the best pieces of advice I received was to limit the amount of time spent messaging somebody before a meeting. It’s amazing how someone can seem like a perfect match via text, but become an immediate “No!” once you see them in person. Statistically, you’re going to meet a lot of duds (although I’ll explain soon how this can still be a “good” date). If you have already built somewhat of a relationship through messaging, it can difficult to cut them loose. Whereas if they are still a relative stranger, it’s much easier to say, “I’m just not feeling a connection. I hope you have a wonderful afternoon.”

Keep the initial encounter simple and ensure that you can leave early if you want. Coffee is a standard choice here for a reason – it’s cheap, it’s everywhere, it can be over in as little as twenty minutes and if there is a connection, you can always get a refill.

 

4 – View Each Encounter as a Lesson

This was my favorite way to avoid “bad” dates. Before each encounter, I would remind myself that my only goal was to learn something – about the other person, about myself or about some area of expertise that they had. And as long as I came away with some new information, I considered the date a win (even if I never wanted to see the man again!).

I found that this approach helped to remove some of the pressure off each date, because I wasn’t so worried about them being the “right” one. It aided in conversation, as my motivation truly was one of curiosity. And best of all, that knowledge stays with you even though the person may not.

 

5 – Get Out of Your Head

Anybody else like to stress about things? Overthink their choices? Worry that people won’t like you?

Yeah, me too.

And if that’s the attitude that you have before each date, dating is going to be stressful.

You may already know what works best for you to get into a flow state and get out of your head. Awesome. Do that before each encounter.

If you’re at a loss, here’s what worked for me –

I found one “date” dress that I wore constantly. It looked nice and (very importantly), it was super-comfortable. This removed any agonizing over what to wear for first dates. I scheduled dates for either right after work (so that I wouldn’t have the opportunity to let stress build) or for after a gym session (where the activity would bleed any anxiety). Before I got out of the car, I would take five deep breaths and remind myself that all I needed to do was learn one thing.

And then I jumped in, putting all my focus on my date so that there was no room left to reside in my own thoughts.

 

6 – Do Things You Enjoy

Dating takes time. So you may as well double up and do things you enjoy while you’re on a date. The benefits are two-fold: you are more likely to be relaxed and happy and your date will get an opportunity to get to know you better.

I went to museum exhibits, hiked nearby trails and went snow tubing on some of my dates. Sometimes I enjoyed the companionship, and sometimes the experience was the enjoyment. Eventually, I learned to keep a list of locations or upcoming events at the ready so that I could suggest them easily.

Alternately, be open to new experiences, that are novel either to both of you or only to you. There’s an energy that comes from novelty that can enrich any date.

 

7 – Depersonalize Any Rejections

I know rejection stings.

But when you’re rejected from an online connection or after a first date, that rejection has nothing to do with you. After all, the other person doesn’t even know you yet.

They have an expectation of what they want in their head. And based upon what they have seen, you don’t meet that expectation. That’s not a value judgement on you. It has nothing at all to do with you not being good enough.

You are simply not what they are looking for. As straightforward as somebody wanting a blue car instead of a red truck.

Keep being you. You’re exactly what somebody is looking for.

 

8 – Give People a Chance

I first met my now-husband nine years ago at a coffee shop after messaging on Match. If somebody had told me when I walked out of our meeting that I had just been with my future husband, I would have been incredulous. I mean, the date went fine, but there were no fireworks and no clear signs that we were a great team.

Those came months later.

Remember that the entire purpose of a first date is to decide if you want a second. The second is to figure out if you both want a third. Don’t worry too much about the unforeseeable future in the beginning and be open to somebody being the right fit even if there’s no sparks flying during the initial meeting.

Also, don’t be so wedded to a “type” that you ignore great people that could just bring out a whole other side of you. By all means, look for potential partners that share your basic values, energy level and life trajectory, but don’t be too limiting about the details.

 

9 – Take a Break When You Need To

Online dating can feel like a job. And it’s one you can quit at any time. Whenever you find yourself dating because you feel obligated or you find that you’re becoming bitter about the type of encounters you’re having, take a breather.

Dating is more a marathon than a sprint. Take the scenic route. Enjoy breaks when you need them. Focus on the other relationships in your life. The internet will still be there when you’re ready to return.

 

10 – Remind Yourself it’s a Numbers Game

You’re not going to find what you’re looking for on the first date. Or the second. But that doesn’t mean you won’t find it.

I think sometimes we see dating like a well-organized clothing store. You walk in, locate the gendered section you want, walk to the display that appeals to you and rifle through the rack until you locate your size.

But that’s not how it works.

Dating is more like a flea market where there is a lot of junk that you have to wade through to find the treasures. As a result, you have to commit some time and energy to the search. You may enter with an expectation of what you’re looking for, but then something completely different may catch your eye.

Be curious. Be patient. And have fun.

Life’s too short to do otherwise!

Why Are Boundaries Important?

Posted on by stilllearning2b
boundaries

As a teacher, I get to see boundaries – and the lack thereof – in action every single day. It’s funny how much I have evolved in this since my nascent years as an educator. I used to read up on specific classroom management strategies, many of which involved complicated reward systems and methods for tracking behavior. I used these methods, not because they were particularly effective, but because I didn’t know any other way.

I have since learned.

Now, my classroom management comes down to two principles – build relationships with the kids and put effort into establishing the classroom expectations and boundaries at the beginning.

 

It’s amazing how much people thrive when they know you care and they know what is expected of them.

 

Boundaries Create Clear Expectations

Most people want to do the right thing. They want to get along and they prefer to make others happy rather than disappointed. Without guidelines, people are operating in the dark. And when there are no upfront expectations, human behavior has a tendency to slide towards the selfish.

It’s not fair to expect people to act a certain way if we have not expressed our preferences. Relationships built upon assumptions and blind guessing rarely succeed. We have so far failed to master telepathy and until we do, communicating boundaries is a key element of creating clear expectations.

 

Boundaries Help to Maintain a Balanced Relationship

When a relationship exists between one person with strong boundaries and another who has a poorly-defined perimeter, there is often an imbalance of power. The one without a clearly-defined sense of self struggles to say “no” and stand up for themselves. There may be a sense that they have to give in to get along and so they may often find that they become dependent upon their partner.

When you set limits, you are in control of how much you will allow your partner to take from you. You get to say, “You can have this much and no more.” When these parameters exist on both sides, there is a natural balance that occurs between independence and interdependence.

 

Boundaries Are a Sign That You Know Your Worth

When you don’t have strong boundaries, you are prone to allowing yourself to be used for the benefit of others. On the other hand, if you have a strong belief in yourself, your values and your worth, you will set higher expectations for those that you accept into your life.

There is a well-known phenomena in economics that states that people value what they have to pay for. When you have strong boundaries, you are in essence stating that there is a price for being close to you. It’s easy to undervalue yourself and set these guidelines too low. Yet when you do so, you are communicating that you do not have value. People will treat you the way you teach them to treat you.

The flip side of this truth is that once you learn to create and maintain strong boundaries, anyone you lose probably needed to go because they didn’t see your worth.

 

Boundaries Keep You From Losing Yourself

If you don’t know where you end and others begin, what’s to keep you from bleeding out? When you hear about somebody losing themselves in a relationship it’s often because they never established the necessary safety fencing that says, “This is me. These are my rights and my beliefs. You can visit, perhaps even stay awhile. But you can’t take any souvenirs away with you. Because when and if you leave, this is still me.”

 

 

 

 

Want to learn more about boundaries? Check out the rest of the series:

 

What Are Boundaries In Personal Relationships?

Signs That You Need to Strengthen Your Boundaries

How to Get Better at Setting and Maintaining Boundaries

Why So Many of Us Struggle With Maintaining Boundaries

 

How to Get Better at Setting and Maintaining Boundaries

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Communicating your boundaries can be difficult, especially when it is an important relationship to you. Maintaining those boundaries when they’re challenged or when the consequences become distressing is even harder. The following strategies will help you  set and maintain boundaries within your relationships at home, at work and in the world at large:

Learn What is Important to You

If you try to set boundaries about everything from the words people say around you to the gifts that you’ll receive, you’ll come off as high-maintenance at best and a complete and total ass at worst. Boundaries are powerful and work best when they are applied judiciously.

These are some examples of appropriate boundaries. Choose and/or adapt the ones that resonate with you.

  • I will not tolerate being hit, shoved or slapped.
  • It is not okay for you to call me names.
  • I will not allow you to tell me how I can spend my personal time or money.
  • My spiritual beliefs are my domain and I will not accept your input on these.
  • I will not permit you to make comments about my weight or appearance unless I ask for input.
  • It is not okay for you to tell me how I feel.
  • I am not able to help you at this time.
  • At work, I will not drop everything for an emergency that is a result of somebody else not doing their part.
  • With friends and family, I will not tolerate comments about a decision that has been made.

Make the distinction between the hard line of a boundary and an unwillingness to discuss a situation. Take finances within a marriage, for example. It is completely appropriate and necessary for the couple to discuss an overall financial strategy and to continue to hold discussions around money when the situation changes. A boundary that states that money is not allowed to be discussed is not appropriate. An acceptable boundary would be that a spouse cannot tell their partner how to spend money that has already been agreed upon as a personal account.

Consider your personal beliefs and core values. Your most important boundaries should protect what makes you, you.

Become Aware of Signs That Your Boundaries Are Being Crossed

We’re often not very good at recognizing these signs, especially within high-value relationships. Here are some signs to look for.

It can be easy to believe that a “good” spouse/friend/child/sibling/employee simply keeps the peace and allows others to do as they want. But your inaction is still action and there are consequences. A healthy relationship has boundaries on both sides – lines that delineate another’s sphere of influence from your own.

Practice Communicating Your Boundaries

When choosing your words, remember that your boundaries are about you; they are not an attack or criticism of another person. Keep your statement simple and refrain from inserting emotion. If you’re currently in a more energetic state, wait until you are calm before communicating your limits.

Be ready to repeat your statement. Especially if this is new for you, it may be dismissed the first (or second, or third…) time. At school with my students, I become more and more like broken record (does that metaphor even work any more???) the more emotional the kids become. It feels strange in the moment, but it’s very effective at bypassing power struggles.

Start Small and Build as You Become More Comfortable

If you’re not used to speaking up and stating your limits, it can be easiest to begin in a low-stakes situation, where you have less to lose. One area that often gives (too many) opportunities is in customer service.

Was your food cold? Let the waiter know and calmly state your expectation that the food is not acceptable. Did the front desk blow you off? Be assertive and let the office manager know what you need going forward.

If you tend to avoid confrontation, boundary-setting is scary because of the (often imagined and catastrophized consequences). It’s going to feel strange and scary at first. However, once you see that people generally respond positively to knowing where exactly the line is, you’ll become more comfortable.

Ensure That You Follow Through

A boundary that is ignored as soon as it becomes too much work to enforce is even worse than a boundary never erected. If it’s worth the energy to create the parameters, it’s worth the effort needed to maintain it.

You will be challenged. It’s human nature. We all want to see what we can get away with, and some do this more than others. Be strong and confident. Stand up for yourself.

Decide What to Do About Repeat Offenders

If someone refuses to adhere to your boundaries, you may have to walk away. When your workplace repeated steamrolls you, it may be time to seek new employment. If your friend continually asks for help and doesn’t step up for themselves, you may need to cut them loose.

Are you willing to do this?

It’s a hard question, especially when we value the relationship. Be aware that staying with the status quo may also have a high price to pay. Only you can decide if it’s worth it.

Want to learn more about boundaries? Check out the rest of the series:

Why Are Boundaries Important?

What Are Boundaries In Personal Relationships?

Signs That You Need to Strengthen Your Boundaries

How to Get Better at Setting and Maintaining Boundaries

Why So Many of Us Struggle With Maintaining Boundaries