Feedback in Relationships

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I had to deliver some staff development today on the concept of feedback in the classroom (please try to restrain your disappointment at not being invited:) ). As I was moving through the material, my monkey mind was making connections to how we give and receive feedback with students and how it relates to feedback in relationships. So even though you missed my presentation this morning, I’ll still share my thoughts with you and feedback and its role in our relationships. Only now the professional dress has been replaced with yoga pants:)

Feedback is Meant to Improve, Not Shame

There’s a TED talks video by Rita Pierson we always watch at meetings where she talks about putting +2 on a child’s paper rather than -18. That’s because the purpose of feedback is to improve, not to punish or shame. Feedback should never be delivered in anger or in frustration. It’s deliberate. Conscious. Careful.

In a relationship, any criticisms or advice delivered in a heated moment will not be received. If feedback is shared in public in a shaming way, no positive change will occur.If your purpose is to make your partner feel badly, you’re bitching, not providing feedback.

Your first responsibility in a partnership is to change yourself – your perceptions, your actions, your responses. Yet there will be times where you need to work to shape your partner’s actions for the betterment of the pair and feedback is a critical component of this. Before you speak, make sure your intentions are to improve, not to shame or blame.

Climate Comes First

The first goal of any effective teacher is establishing a classroom culture where students feel safe and secure and feel comfortable taking risks and making mistakes. If this climate is not present, any negative feedback tends to lead to defensiveness and shutting down. But once this climate is built, students know that you care about them and they are much more receptive to feedback, even if it is negative.

Relationships are no different. We need to feel safe in our partnerships. We need to trust that it’s okay to not be perfect and that a single mistake won’t mean that we’re kicked out. It’s important to establish a relationship climate where both partners feel comfortable voicing their concerns and receiving feedback from the other.

In the classroom and in relationships, building a positive and safe climate takes time. Trust doesn’t occur overnight; it comes from a pattern of action and response. Energy put into developing this environment goes a long way. Brock and I put quite a bit of effort into this early on (using candles as a signal) and that preliminary work has since paid dividends (and the candles have been in retirement for the last year and a half or so).

Goals Must be Clear and Shared

In the classroom, it’s not fair to give students feedback on their progress when they do not know or understand the goal they are trying to reach. Teachers use a variety of methods to communicate learning expectations to the students so that not only do they have an idea of where they are relative to where they need to be, but they have a clear picture of the ideal destination.

We know how important communication is in relationships and how easily misunderstandings can spiral out of control. Just as it’s not fair to berate a student for failing to achieve some mysterious goal, it is unfair to a partner to expect him/her to read your mind and then react with negative feedback when he/she doesn’t make strides to the goal you had in mind.

The learning goals for my classroom are constantly changing (thanks Common Core and meddling politicians!) and goals in relationships are often as malleable as curriculum. It’s important to continually touch base and ensure that the relationship-related goals are clear and shared.

Feedback Should be Formative, Not Only Summative

Teachers divide learning activities into two categories: formative and summative. The former describes the activities that occur during the learning process, such as practice and quizzes. The latter applies to the culminating event, such as an exam or project, where a student is expected to demonstrate mastery of a concept. Effective feedback occurs during the learning process so that the student can shape his or her actions towards the stated goal. It’s not fair or effective for the first feedback to be received when it really counts.

So, as that relates to relationships, don’t do what my ex did. The first time I knew there was a problem in the marriage was when he left with a text message. If there had been formative feedback along the way, there may have been an opportunity to change. There’s often a balance in relationships – sometimes you need to bite your tongue and avoiding bringing something that is minor or fleeting. And you also need to address any issues before they build to a level that destroys the partnership.

If the point of feedback is to improve, make sure that it’s given along with a chance to make the improvements. Otherwise it’s not feedback, it’s just a bunch of red x’s and a big, fat “F.”

Address the Actions, Not the Person

The fastest way to alienate a kid is to attack their person, to imply or state that they are “stupid” or “no good.” They will quickly live up (or actually, down) to the claim. Teachers have to be careful to address issues the kids can control – study habits, practice, etc. rather than things they cannot – learning disabilities, sub par schooling, etc.

We all have innate tendencies and backgrounds that we cannot control. When those are attacked, we shut down as we internalize the message. When you are giving feedback to a partner, be careful not to condemn areas they cannot change or that are an inherent part of who they are. Focus on the actions and behaviors that are transient and reworkable.

Feedback Should be Specific and Actionable

Students don’t grow when they receive a failing grade on an assignment with the implied message “you suck at this.” It’s overwhelming and they give up. Instead, they improve when they are given specific and actionable feedback that addresses one or two areas at a time with recognition given for progress along the way.

Baby steps work for relationships too. Don’t flood your partner with a laundry list of feedback. Start small, focus on one behavior. Acknowledge improvement, no matter how small. Be clear and specific. When the intent is clearly stated, it’s more likely to happen.

 

Just like with teaching, feedback does not only flow one direction. Be open and receptive to your partner’s feedback. Assume that their intent is to make you better.

And remember, we are all still learning. Always.

 

 

How Your Belief in a Soul Mate is Holding You Back

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I’ve never been one to believe in soul mates. Even when my 22-year-old self said “I do” to the man I thought was perfect for me, I didn’t perceive him as “the one.”

And that idea may have saved me.

Because when the man-who-wasn’t-the-one decided to leave the marriage with a text message one day, I believed that I could create a happy marriage again and that I wasn’t merely a victim of fate.

There’s an allure to the idea of a soul mate, the belief that there is one person that is your perfect companion. The idea brings peace when relationships end (it’s over because he/she was not the one) and serves as a beacon of hope that everything will be okay once the right person enters your life.

We like the idea of a predestined partnership.

It’s romantic. It’s encouraging.

But it’s also limiting at its best and damaging at its worst.

 

 Here are five ways that your belief in a soul mate is holding you back.

Comparison Shopping in Relationships

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Whenever I introduce a new math concept, I begin my comparing it to something they already know. It helps to anchor their understanding to examine the similarities and recognizing the differences helps them deepen their understanding of the new topic.

 

Comparison is natural. Adaptive. It is a tool that our minds use to help sort information and make sense of our world.

But that tool can sometimes turn on us.

And instead of helping us construct meaning, comparison turns on us and brings feelings of inadequacy and scarcity.

We all suffer needlessly at times when we compare our lives to the lives of those around us. When we believe that the grass is always greener rather than watering our own lawns.  It’s such a common response that it even earned its way into the top ten list of sins.

 

But there’s another kind of comparison that often sneaks in after divorce and undermines our happiness: the comparison of a new date to your ex.

Again, comparison is natural. Adaptive. By holding a new person up to your ex, you can easily see the manifestation of traits you want/ don’t want again in a partner.

But it can also turn on you, leaving you pining for the past and unable to accept the present as it is.

It keeps you stuck. Gives you an excuse to stay safe and impenetrable.

It can happen silently, as you measure your current beau against the last even while continuing to act as though you are fully in the present. Sometimes, it may slip through your lips as you verbalize some area where past and present are different. Or, all too often, it exists on a subconscious level, a slight hum of dissatisfaction that can undermine the new relationship.

If you find yourself comparison shopping for a new relationship, try these strategies to change your thoughts:

 

Recognize when it happens. The first step to changing any habit is to be aware of it when it occurs.

Affirm that different only means different, not better or worse. We tend to fear the unknown and perceive change as always trending towards the inferior. But different is just different. And it is always uncomfortable at first.

Interrupt the thought. The more you allow your thoughts to follow a particular path, the more worn and easily tread the path will become. Stop the comparison thoughts when they happen and don’t allow the pattern to ingrain.

Focus on the positive differences. Make a list of all the ways your new partner is better than the old. Write it down to make it real. If you find yourself measuring a negative, shift the thought to, “Yes he/she isn’t as …. as my ex; however, he/she is so much better at ….”

Understand that developed can’t compare to embryonic. If you are in the early stages of a relationship, do not compare it to a mature relationship with its associated vulnerabilities and intimacies. Apples and oranges.

Fill the cavities. If there is something that your ex provided that your current relationship does not, seek another way to fill the void. Loved to watch foreign films with the ex and new beau prefers action flicks? Find someone else to meet your love for foreign films. No one person will meet all of your needs and as you transition from one relationship to another, you will have to shift what needs are met elsewhere.

Recognize that the past is rose-colored. It’s easy to paint the past as perfect when its sweaty socks aren’t strewn across the floor of your present existence. Don’t compare reality to a dream. You’ll never be satisfied.

 

 

Comparison

Posted on by stilllearning2b

My ex and I were very compatible with the roommate stuff.

Brock and I? Not so much, especially at the beginning.

But even with that being said, I have never wished that Brock was more like my ex in this regard.

Because not only would that be pointless.

It would also be poisonous.

Rather than comparing the two men, I recognized that my experiences with the first made me skilled in some areas and deficient in others. I didn’t wish Brock kept house like my house; I realized that I had never learned to negotiate housekeeping with someone else.

So it was a challenge.

And challenges can be met.

 

It breaks my heart a little every year when I meet new students that have siblings that have passed through my classroom. The first words out of their nervous mouths are, “I’m nothing like my brother/sister.” I always reassure them that I don’t compare siblings and that I’m excited to get to know them for who they are, unclouded by the impressions left by their kin. I instruct them to tell their brother or sister “hi” for me, and then I intentionally push them out of my mind. Because when I’m getting to know the new student, the former ones don’t matter.

 

None of us like to be compared to others, especially when it’s rigged for us to come up short. But it can be difficult not to compare as you transition from one relationship to another. It’s so easy to place the partners side by side and measure the qualities of each. Easy, but also damaging to your new relationship, especially if your partner feels as though he or she can never measure up. It may feel like a party of two, but if you’re always comparing, there’s a third person in your partnership.

 

Find yourself comparing? Try this.

Be intentional and mindful about the traits and characteristics you want in a partner before you begin dating and work to refine your desires as you meet people. If you choose an apple, don’t complain that it doesn’t taste like an orange.

Focus on your new partner’s strengths, especially those that were not shared by your ex. Celebrate what is now compatible or easy where before there was stress or strain. We all have gifts we bring to table. Don’t be so focused on what is lacking that you neglect to see the riches.

When you find your ex in your thoughts in a comparing way, remind yourself why you are glad they are your ex. Maybe they were better at small engine repair than your new partner, but that seems pretty silly when you consider they slept with your best friend.

Accept that you cannot change your partner no matter how much you compare. Rather, work to adapt yourself to meet the new challenges present in any emerging relationship. Comparing cuts. Try growing instead.

When you find the partners side by side in your head, picture them side by side in front of you. Pretty uncomfortable, huh? Exactly. Kick one of them out. Preferably the ex.

 

 

 

 

Self-Reflection in a Funhouse Mirror

Posted on by stilllearning2b

There was a fascinating experiment many years ago about attractiveness and pair-bonding. In this study, a number from 1-10 was randomly selected and pasted to each subject’s forehead; the subjects were unaware of their own number. The random number represented the person’s attractiveness as a mate. A couple dozen subjects were then gathered in a room and given the directions to pair with the most attractive (according the number on the forehead) mate they could land.

Even though the subjects never knew their own number, they ended up “mating” with a subject with a similar number. They were calculating their own attractiveness by which numbers rejected them and which were interested.

But that’s not the part that really interested me. When I saw the videos of this study, I observed another, more nuanced behavior. There were some subjects who would be considered fours, threes, or even twos on a real-world attractiveness score who happened to land a high number for the study. These subjects were often more timid in the beginning, their own dating and social experiences bleeding into the laboratory. Even through the “9” on the forehead was attracting many potential suitors, it took time for the internal “3” to fade and for the self-view to shift to match the given reality.

This same discordant event happens out of the lab as well. People often form their own idea of their relative attractiveness to prospective mates when they are in their teens and early twenties and entering the dating scene. It’s more complex than simply looks; attractiveness also encompasses wealth (not just money, but what value you bring to the table), status, character and potential. None of which are static.

So something interesting often happens. You may have a man in his twenties who is still finding his way – no wealth accumulated, car and clothes broadcasting a lesser social status and potential buried under uncertainty. His attractiveness “score” that he internalizes at that point in his life may be a 4, pulling potential mates from the same pool. Ten years later, that same man has a degree, a career and is confident and successful in his professional life. Yet, in dating, he still sees himself as a 4, attracting partners that are no longer suitable. It takes time for the number printed on the brain to match the one projected.

Or, you may have a woman who was overweight and timid through her teens, forming her number from the reactions in the calloused halls of high school. Years later, when pounds are lost and confidence is gained, the perceived attractiveness is often still at the low point set in youth.

Most of us are no longer the person we once were: We change. We adapt. We grow.

Yet we don’t always believe.

The mirror which we use to see ourselves is no normal piece of glass; it is distorted by the messages we received about our value in our childhoods and young adulthoods. We etch that perceived worth inside our minds and often fail to update it when it is no longer relevant.

Step out of the funhouse and see yourself as you truly are without the distortion of the past.

Believe in what you project.

Believe in your value, your worth to others.

Believe in yourself.