Divorcing Without Kids Has Its Own Set of Struggles

Posted on by stilllearning2b

You know what kind of divorce is the hardest?

Whatever kind you have to go through.

Because it’s hard on everybody no matter the circumstances.

And my circumstances – child free by choice – left me grateful throughout my own divorce that I didn’t have to help little ones navigate a family transition. That certainly made it easier. But still by no means easy.

There is so much written, and with very good reason, about the difficulties and particulars of divorcing with kids.

But nothing at all (from what I’ve encountered) about those marriages that end without kids. And they have their own unique struggles.

 

“Just be glad you didn’t have kids,” was the frequent response I received to the news of my divorce.

And I was glad. I didn’t have to face telling children about the upsetting and significant changes to their lives. I never had to navigate the uncertain waters of establishing a co-parenting relationship or deal with the negotiations over child support. And I didn’t have to watch my hypothetical children suffer, something I can’t even imagine.

I have the utmost respect for those who manage divorce with dignity and courage for their children. For those that set aside the animosity for the ex and focus instead on being the best for the children. For those that bravely tackle unbelievably high obstacles so that their children can thrive. That’s a hard divorce.

And so is divorce without kids. These are the particular struggles that those without children face:

Your Pain is Downplayed

Even though I agreed with those that commented about my not having children, I still felt in the moment like it was dismissive of my pain. The lack of children makes divorce easier. Not easy. Because of the complications and additional stressors that children bring to divorce, those without kids often feel unwelcome in support groups and unable to share their pain without a fear of it being shrugged off.

Your Motivation Isn’t Ready-Made

When you have children, being a parent is often a central purpose of your life and their well-being is a significant motivator after divorce to get your life together. When you’re married and child free, you identify primarily as a husband or wife. And then that’s wiped out with a signature on a page. It can be a struggle for many without children to find their purpose and their motivation after a divorce.

It Can Be Isolating

Whenever I visit my neighborhood pool, I’m reminded how much children bring their parents together with other parents. Most of the adults all know each other through swim team, shared classes and play dates. After a certain age, the child free aren’t included in many of these recurring social situations. And when divorce happens, this isolation can be extreme, especially when the split extends into the couple’s friend group.

Loss of Family Memories

When my parents divorced, my mother and I worked to both retain family memories and to cultivate new ones. When I lost my husband, I lost sixteen years of memories that only he and I shared. And there was no one else to create them with. Children provide sort of a continuation of the marriage. Without children, it can sometimes feel as though there is no proof that the relationship ever occurred.

Fear of Time Running Out

Some people are child free at the time of the divorce because they decided not to have children. And others found that their marriage ended before the desired children were born. For those men and women, a childless divorce is especially painful because it brings with it the fear that time will run out for them to create the family they want.

Even with its particular struggles, divorcing without children gives you a unique freedom rarely found in adulthood. You can relocate. Reinvent. Go on dates every night. Fall in love with somebody else and maybe even somebody else’s children. Or stay single forever and commit your life to some other cause. You have no limits. No restrictions.

Acknowledge your struggles while at the same time expressing gratitude that they were your struggles alone and that no children were harmed in the making of this divorce.

 

Vantage Point

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Let me state right up front that I am not a parent. Apart from living with an infant for a year, I have not resided with a child. I have never experienced the fear that grips when you lose sight of your child in a park. I have never felt the aching pull when you have to be at work and your child is ill. I have never felt the overwhelming joy when your child takes his first step or reads her first book.

But that’s not to say I’m ignorant of parenting. I’ve spent the past thirteen years teaching 13 and 14 year olds. It’s a pivotal point in their lives; this is when they are starting to apply the lessons they learned in childhood. They are beginning to separate from their parents and take their first tentative steps into the bigger world. And it’s an interesting vantage point.

There are aspects of parenting I will never understand or appreciate. I have the utmost respect for those who parent selflessly. It’s a difficult job.

And it’s one that I often see people approach as though they’re afraid they will be terminated.

But the thing about parenting is that, if you do it well, you will lose the job.

That’s the point.

The goal of parenting should not be to be the parent possible or even to create the best kids possible.

It’s to raise the best adults possible.

It’s a blend of accepting the realities of the moment (terrible twos anyone?) yet always keeping in mind the intended outcomes. It’s about being the parent that your child needs, not the parent you would prefer to be (or the parent your parent was).

Based on my observations on the thousands of teenagers that have crossed my path over the years, these are the most important lessons to give your children:

Perseverance

Let your child fail but don’t let them internalize failure. Let them see you struggle and let them see what you gain when you do. Teach them that everything worthwhile in life requires effort. Discourage the use of the words, “I can’t.” Encourage them. Celebrate success but also celebrate attempts. Especially repeated ones. Remind them of skills they now take for granted that took tenacity to develop. Teach them the difference between quitting and letting go. Give them love but make them earn respect. If you give them everything, they become like a lion in a zoo. Unable to hunt on their own.

Empathy

Expose your child to the larger world. Do not attempt to hide all suffering. Suffering is part of life. Teach your child to respect and honor it. Model empathy. Use stories in books and movies as an opportunity to have them express what a character is feeling. Give them an opportunity to care for another. Even if it’s just a fish.

Integrity

Be careful what you model; they will do as you do, not what you say. Reward honesty. Discuss implications of dishonesty, both personal and societal. When they call you out when your actions do not match your words (this WILL happen), admit it. And then fix it.

Responsibility

Teach them that their response is always a choice. Nobody can make them feel or act a certain way. Discuss consequences of choices and then let them happen. A consequence must be felt to be effective. Don’t intervene in every situation. There will come a time when you can’t and your child needs to learn how to fight for himself.

Humility

Teach them that if they think they know everything, they will learn nothing. “I don’t know” is a starting point, not a conclusion. Let them see you learn. Show that you are human. And fallible. And teach them that they are too.

Gratitude

Have them create gratitude lists, whether through bedtime prayers or in a journal. Highlight the positives. Teach them that whatever they nurture will grow and help them grow life’s flowers. Don’t just tell them they have it good; show them. Gratitude is a powerful tool; help them learn to wield it.

It’s easy to get caught up in the thousands of details that fill each day as a parent. But in the end, the lessons above are the ones that really matter. Teach those and you will put yourself out of a job. And this is one job you want to lose.

Because the severance package is pretty awesome.