Self-Reflection in a Funhouse Mirror

Posted on by stilllearning2b

There was a fascinating experiment many years ago about attractiveness and pair-bonding. In this study, a number from 1-10 was randomly selected and pasted to each subject’s forehead; the subjects were unaware of their own number. The random number represented the person’s attractiveness as a mate. A couple dozen subjects were then gathered in a room and given the directions to pair with the most attractive (according the number on the forehead) mate they could land.

Even though the subjects never knew their own number, they ended up “mating” with a subject with a similar number. They were calculating their own attractiveness by which numbers rejected them and which were interested.

But that’s not the part that really interested me. When I saw the videos of this study, I observed another, more nuanced behavior. There were some subjects who would be considered fours, threes, or even twos on a real-world attractiveness score who happened to land a high number for the study. These subjects were often more timid in the beginning, their own dating and social experiences bleeding into the laboratory. Even through the “9” on the forehead was attracting many potential suitors, it took time for the internal “3” to fade and for the self-view to shift to match the given reality.

This same discordant event happens out of the lab as well. People often form their own idea of their relative attractiveness to prospective mates when they are in their teens and early twenties and entering the dating scene. It’s more complex than simply looks; attractiveness also encompasses wealth (not just money, but what value you bring to the table), status, character and potential. None of which are static.

So something interesting often happens. You may have a man in his twenties who is still finding his way – no wealth accumulated, car and clothes broadcasting a lesser social status and potential buried under uncertainty. His attractiveness “score” that he internalizes at that point in his life may be a 4, pulling potential mates from the same pool. Ten years later, that same man has a degree, a career and is confident and successful in his professional life. Yet, in dating, he still sees himself as a 4, attracting partners that are no longer suitable. It takes time for the number printed on the brain to match the one projected.

Or, you may have a woman who was overweight and timid through her teens, forming her number from the reactions in the calloused halls of high school. Years later, when pounds are lost and confidence is gained, the perceived attractiveness is often still at the low point set in youth.

Most of us are no longer the person we once were: We change. We adapt. We grow.

Yet we don’t always believe.

The mirror which we use to see ourselves is no normal piece of glass; it is distorted by the messages we received about our value in our childhoods and young adulthoods. We etch that perceived worth inside our minds and often fail to update it when it is no longer relevant.

Step out of the funhouse and see yourself as you truly are without the distortion of the past.

Believe in what you project.

Believe in your value, your worth to others.

Believe in yourself.

 

 

Back to School Blues

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I’m in a funk.

A stressed-out, down-in-the-dumps funk.

I have a precious few days left before the intensity and insanity of the school year returns.

And I feel like I’m wasting them.

I feel pressured to make the most of this time while also also allowing anxiety to build from the other direction as I start to think about what needs to happen for this school year (the local paper constantly reporting on the changes to testing/teacher evaluation doesn’t help!).

It’s not unlike the mad dash of an Alaskan summer to get everything done before the harsh winter sets in.

But I’m letting the upcoming winter cool my summer.

I’m allowing August to seep into my July.

It’s like a steroided-out version of the Sunday night blues – when you mourn the loss of the freedoms of the weekend while berating yourself for not accomplishing every goal and allow thoughts of Monday’s tasks to intrude.

Ugh.

It doesn’t help that the intense humidity and near-constant storms have kept me from my usual cure for anxiety and too much thinking – a long run. I managed to get in four (very sweaty) miles yesterday, but that wasn’t quite enough. I still feel the pent-up energy building in anticipation along with the frustration that my days will no longer be mine to schedule.

I’m giving myself a series of goals and intentions for the last few days and I’m sharing them so that I am held accountable:

– Embrace rest. Time resting is not wasted. Give yourself permission to just read or nap or chill by the pool. It’s okay.

– Don’t waste time thinking about the changes and new pressures coming at school. You’ll have plenty of time to think about them when you’re there. And, really, they matter less than you think.

– Do something special each day you have left (favorite lunch buffet. hike, yoga class, paddleboard rental,  etc.). Mark each day with a smile.

– Don’t add to your pressure. If you want to write, write. But don’t force it. The blogs will be there.

– Rather than focus on what didn’t get accomplished this summer, be happy about what did get done and, even more importantly, what did get enjoyed.

– Prioritize sleep.

– When thoughts of school come up, shift them to thinking about how good it will be to see your teacher friends again.

– Run in the rain and try not to get struck by lightening:)

 

 

 

 

 

The Stages of An Ending

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Ever since Elisabeth Kubler-Ross developed the 5 stages of grief to describe the emotions that terminal patients experience, similar stages have been used to describe loss in all its forms. These descriptions are helpful; they help to confirm that our wildly fluctuating emotions are normal and okay while also providing hope that we can progress out of a current stage.

This article from Psychology Today  is one of the better descriptions of the stages after the end of a relationship that I have read. However, I experienced a couple stages that are not described.

How about you – what stages would you add?

Mother’s Maiden Name

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I knew his mother’s maiden name.

His parent’s middle names. His social security number. I could list his schools and their associated mascots. I knew the name and breed of every dog his family every owned. I’d sifted through all of his baby pictures, watching the chubby toddler grow into the awkward, skinny boy who finally transformed into the teenager I loved. I knew the family recipes and the family secrets.

But I keep coming back to his mother’s maiden name.

I used to find security in that knowledge, as though it was some talisman against future tragedy. I thought I knew everything about him. That I was so deep within the fold that secrets couldn’t exist between us.

It was an illusion, of course. You never completely know another person; you only know what they choose to show you.

It’s funny sometimes how life works out. The day after the text that ended it all, his mother’s maiden name gained me access into our joint accounts after he changed the password.

The talisman against tragedy became the key to unlocking the scope of the tragedy.

And in the end, that’s really all his mother’s maiden name was good for.

 

Speechless

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We arrived home last night this morning just after midnight after a weeklong Alaskan cruise and a Seattle stay over. We had been gone so long, the cat hid under the couch until she decided/remembered that we are effective feeding and cuddling organisms. Today is a day of tackling the emails and work tasks that lack of connectivity forced us to ignore as well as chipping away at the seemingly ever-expanding load of laundry piled high on the dining room floor (dressing in layers translates to LOTS of laundry loads!). Our jet lagged bodies seem to keep finding the bed for impromptu naps, Tiger often joining in, exhausted from playing with his buddies at the vet. Our muddled brains struggle to form coherent thoughts as our circadian rhythms straddle both coasts.

It feels great to be home. To be reunited with our animals and our routines.

Already, the sights and smells of Alaska feel like a dream. Too big to be real.

But it is. And those are memories that we will carry. Images that can be triggered by words or pictures, but never truly captured – the jade green of the water darkening into endless chasms, the soaring heights of the jagged cliffs, clouds dancing across their fronts like some teasing burlesque dance and the power of nature in its rawest forms.

I have yet to transfer the pictures from the camera or from my husband’s iPhone, but here are a few from my phone:

So much of Alaska reminded me of a Bob Ross painting. Look at all the happy trees!
So much of Alaska reminded me of a Bob Ross painting. Look at all the happy trees!
This was from a hike around the Mendenhall Glacier outside Juneau and there's a story to tell about that day!
This was from a hike around the Mendenhall Glacier outside Juneau and there’s a story to tell about that day!
The temperature seemed to always be 59 degrees. But that could mean shorts or winter coat!
The temperature seemed to always be 59 degrees. But that could mean shorts or winter coat!
We drove a small Zodiac boat in Ketchikan. A bald eagle snatched a fish out of the water just feet in front of us!
We drove a small Zodiac boat in Ketchikan. A bald eagle snatched a fish out of the water just feet in front of us!
One of the coolest moments of my life - Tracy Arm Fjord and glacier from the hot tub!
One of the coolest moments of my life – Tracy Arm Fjord and glacier from the hot tub!
We were extremely lucky and never had rain, although it was almost always cloudy.
We were extremely lucky and never had rain, although it was almost always cloudy.
It's pretty amazing how close these ships can get to the water's edge!
It’s pretty amazing how close these ships can get to the water’s edge!
I REALLY wanted to see moose in Haines. This was the closest I got!
I REALLY wanted to see moose in Haines. This was the closest I got!
We tried to see a sunset every night to no avail (I think it's a myth that the sun sets in Alaska in summer). We finally succeeded near Victoria BC!
We tried to see a sunset every night to no avail (I think it’s a myth that the sun sets in Alaska in summer). We finally succeeded near Victoria BC! Cool detail – that’s the moon just above and to the left of the sun:)

 

I want to extend a thank you to all my guest posters and readers for taking care of the place while I was gone. I’ll try to catch up on comments and messages in the next couple days. After a nap.