Summer Reading List

Posted on June 14, 2015March 6, 2024 by stilllearning2b

The bookmarked articles have started piling up in my reader again. And since I’m too excited and nervous about my plan to check off a bucket-list item later this morning to write anything profound, it seemed like a good day to share the writings of others. I hope you enjoy the selection and your Sunday:)

5 Tips For Better Communication

I really enjoy Dr. Nerdlove’s perspective and advice. He writes from a straightforward perspective that somehow always makes me think just a little bit deeper or differently about a common situation. It’s good stuff.

If You Feel Like It’s Taking You Too Long to Move On, Read This

Sometimes a little perspective is helpful when we’re too hard on ourselves.

Coping With Stress in Relationships

I think this guy is a pretty new blogger, but don’t let that fool you. He often has great insight and delves deeply into a topic. Check him out; you won’t be disappointed.

20 Signs Your Partner is Controlling

Some of these are obvious. Many are not. This goes hand-in-hand with my discussion about covert abuse. Don’t be blind; know the signs.

Extramarital Affairs More Common in Dependent Spouses

This is a discussion about a recent study that found a correlation between the financial inequities in a marriage and the tendency to stray. I’m not surprised at the connection. In my own marriage, it seemed like losing his career initiated my husband’s deceptions.

Learn to Feel Her (Or Lose Her)

Good stuff here that will make you think about the expectations put on men in our society. Reading this provided some understanding and compassion for me.

15 Ways to Know If Your Partner Will Be Faithful

I don’t believe that there is such thing as an affair-proof marriage, but there are certainly character qualities you can look for to reduce the chances. It was interesting for me to see how well this list matched what I was looking for when I started dating again.

The Truth I Needed to Hear

Posted on June 4, 2015March 6, 2024 by stilllearning2b

Brock and I have been in one of those periodic marital eddies recently where we continually engage in a similar conversation, one that leaves me teary and him frustrated. Although many important issues have been brought up and addressed, it still felt as though the core truth had not yet been uncovered. And so we kept getting pulled back in.

Until the other night.

“You don’t have to be perfect in order for me to love you,” he said, looking at me from his perch on the kitchen counter.

Wow.

I immediately felt the anxious energy that has been coursing through my body recently fall away. My body lost its rigidity and molded itself to the corner of the fridge.

That was the truth I needed to hear. I just didn’t realize it until he shared it.

I’ve always been labeled “sensitive.” I’m the puppy that looks mortally wounded with just a disapproving glance. And I can easily view any criticism as an incoming swat with a newspaper. And so I strive to please. To ensure that I get the “good job” pats on the head and the “atta girls” for a job done well.

And so I strive to please.

Not just to make people happy.

But to reassure myself that I’m okay.

That I’m not going to be discarded in a moment of disappointment.

And that insecurity has been at the core of our circling conversations.

That fear of being abandoned yet again rudely intruding.

The character assassinating words left by my ex interrupting my thoughts and planting poisonous seeds.

The past refusing to sit and stay.

When to Try Harder and When to Walk Away

Posted on May 24, 2015March 6, 2024 by stilllearning2b

The thought of walking away is tempting. Just the notion makes me breathe a little easier. Walk a little lighter.

And feel a little guiltier.

Because I’m really not sure if I’m making excuses or making decisions.

For the past few years (ever since The Great Life Upheaval of 2009), I’ve been looking for a way out of teaching. It’s not that I don’t like the classroom, it’s that I would like a career that doesn’t put me in a literal box on a regimented schedule. I would like a venture that isn’t quite as susceptible to the party line of politicians seeking election. I would like a path that utilizes all of my skills. And I would love the opportunity to procure an income based upon my performance and value rather than one that is determined by a spreadsheet.

And so, about a year and a half ago, when friends and Brock encouraged me to obtain my real estate license, I was intrigued. I have always had an interest in real estate and I knew that I had a skill set that would match. But I was also cautious; I had trouble seeing how I could realistically build a real estate business and teach (especially given that I refuse to teach at anything less than my best) at the same time.

But I was convinced. Assured that it was possible. That the hours and demands were complementary.

And so last summer, I threw myself into it. I networked. I completed the continuing education requirements. I drew up a marketing plan. I became versed in the surrounding communities.

And then my few weeks of freedom came to a crashing end once classes resumed. Instead of keeping up with the market, I was keeping up with my students. I fell further and further behind.

But I continued to hope that somehow it would work and I would be released from the classroom the following year.

This entire year, I’ve struggled. I’ve put effort into real estate when I could. Which was never as much as I felt I should. When I tried, I felt frustrated because of the limitations of time, energy and knowledge. When I didn’t try, I felt guilty for my lack of effort.

I feel like I’m just not trying hard enough. After all, everybody said I could do it. So it must be my fault that I can’t seem to get off the ground.

But I’ve discovered a strange thing. The more effort I put into trying to get out of teaching, the less happy I am in the classroom. When I allow myself to be professionally consumed by teaching, I am more content with where I am.

I’m at a crossroads right now. In another week, my summer officially begins. This is when I can dive into real estate without limitations.

But I’m realizing I don’t want to.

I don’t want to build when I know I’m going to hit a wall again when school resumes in late July.

I don’t want to compromise and give clients or students less than my all.

I don’t want to spend the summer trying to escape when I am already under contract for the next school year.

I don’t want to keep brushing off inquires about the status of the real estate venture. Inquiries that always make me feel like a failure.

And I’ve been more okay about teaching lately. I don’t feel as underpaid now that I am finally receiving my full pay after spending an average of $16,000 per year for the past five years on ex-husband related expenses. I feel proud as I watch my former students graduate with honors from prestigious universities. And I feel honored when students’ eyes fill with tears as they say goodbye to me at the end of the school year (I even had one check back in for 7th period on Friday just to say bye!). And, even though the current testing and teacher evaluation system is asinine, I feel appreciated when I receive positive feedback.

I think I want to walk away from my foray into real estate. At least for now.

But I feel like I’m letting people down.

Those that believed in me.

And the me that believed in me too.

Because I’m not sure if I’m making excuses or making decisions.

I don’t really know if I’m being honest that I can’t build it while I am teaching, or if I’m too afraid to try.

I’m uncertain if I should try harder or walk away.

I have a few more days of commitment to the school before the year officially wraps. I’m going to give myself those few days to make the decision.

To try harder or to walk away.

Related: Quitting vs Letting Go

Lessons From an Adult Child of Divorce

Posted on May 13, 2015May 12, 2015 by stilllearning2b

I love serendipity. And, at least today, it must love me back. Just as I was feeling completely overwhelmed with updating the blog, I received an email from Liz with a request to send a guest post. Once she told me the topic, I was sold.

There is no shortage of information and discussion about the effect of divorce on children. But adult children? Not so much. It’s as though we think they are grown and launched and the split does not (or should not) impact them (Just think of how many couples wait to divorce until the children are gone).

But it does.

Liz shares her experience with us to help provide understanding of what it is like when your parents divorce once you are grown.

Lessons From an Adult Child of Divorce

It was the summer of 2013, I was 28 years old and just starting a new career in marketing – and my parents were in the midst of a divorce. Their marriage of thirty years had been slowly dissolving before my eyes for quite some time, but I still couldn’t believe it was actually happening.

Growing up, I had considered myself lucky to live in a two parent home while watching as my friends’ single mothers struggled to balance work, home, and the rigors of parenting. Now I was just another child of divorce – even though I was no longer an actual child.

To make matters even more difficult, I – like many Millennials – was living at home as I couldn’t afford to make ends meet on my own. Helping my mother move out of her home of 20 years and into a small apartment was one of the most heartbreaking moments of my life. However, it was nothing compared to watching her fall prey to crippling grief.

I Don’t Know How to Feel

It’s hard to truly explain what it feels like to be caught between two parents on opposite ends of the emotional spectrum. Dad had been bottling his negative emotions for years, and the divorce had in essence freed him to pursue happiness. Mom had been blind-sided, thinking that they were just experiencing a rough patch. She still loved my father as much as she ever had and the divorce sent her spiraling into depression.

On one hand, I was happy to see my dad smiling again. He was cheerful and full of life – something that had been missing for so long that I had almost forgotten what it looked like. On the other hand, I was trying to keep my mom from losing herself to hopelessness and sorrow.

The swinging emotions were taking their toll on me – and so were the conversations both parents insisted on dragging me into.

Part of You, Part of Me

Dad told me how he’d grown unhappy ten years into their marriage and had essentially been a prisoner to his sense of honor. He refused to abandon his children and my mother – even if her wild emotions and poor decision making made him crazy.

Mom sobbed on my shoulder, bemoaning the fact that my father had never expressed his feelings and had refused to seek marriage counseling on numerous occasions. In her eyes, he was an emotional tight ass and the whole thing was his fault.

There’s a multitude of resources for parents of small children going through a divorce. I’ve read many of them, and the parallels between the feelings of both young and adult children before, during, and after a divorce are numerous.

Attorney Cheri Hobbs reminds parents, “remember that a child is half of each of you and therefore when you disparage the other parent the child then believes that one-half of them is bad or wrong or negative.”

Listening to my parents complain about each other was like being stuck with a hot poker repeatedly. Much like my mom, I can be overbearing and spend money unwisely. Do my friends feel the same way about me that my father feels about my mother? Do they just not say anything?

I’m a lot like my father in many ways – both good and bad – but I definitely bottle my emotions. Does my mother hate me for this?

To hear them tear each other down was to hear them tear parts of me down. And the worst part of it was that I didn’t do anything to stop it from happening.

Stuck in the Middle

I remember taking a stand pretty early, telling both of them to discuss what business they had with each other and leave me out of it. They agreed, but I don’t think it lasted for more than a couple of weeks. They needed me, and I reneged on my own ultimatum.

“There are few needs more compelling than those of our parents. And parents going through divorce are just like other people going through divorce: they are a bundle of need with little or no regard for boundaries or decorum,” says Lee Borden of DivorceInfo.com.

My father is pretty good at not dragging me into the middle of it, but my mother uses me as a go between, even going so far as to CC me in all emails to my dad. It’s absolutely maddening – like being slapped in the face every time I open my inbox.

The Lessons I’ve Learned

There are lessons to be learned here – on both sides – but as I’ve only experienced divorce from this side of the aisle, I’ll advise those who are like me:

If you have siblings, lean on them. I didn’t speak to my older brother much during the divorce process. I felt like he was so far away from the situation that he wouldn’t be much comfort. I regret that now. He was hurting just as much as I was.
Tell your parents to leave you out of the fight and stick to it! It will be hard, I know, but your emotional well-being depends on it.
Encourage your parents to seek counseling. My mother still has a tough time with the end of her marriage, but speaking to a psychiatrist has helped her immensely.
Get support! Talk to your friends, your siblings, your significant other, a psychiatrist, or others in the same situation you are.

It’s been two years since my parents divorced and a lot of things have changed. It’s the summer of 2015, I’m 30 years old, and I’ve settled into my career in marketing. My dad still lives in my childhood home and is working on renovating it with his girlfriend. My mom has a nice little condo, two dogs, and an active social life. Things aren’t perfect – there are still hiccups, grumbling, and tears from all parties, but it is getting better. Slowly, but surely, things are getting better.

Liz Greene hails from the beautiful city of trees, Boise, Idaho. She’s a lover of all things geek and is happiest when cuddling with her dogs and catching up on the latest Marvel movies. You can follow her on Twitter @LizVGreene.