Wellness Fair 2009-11 - Alternative Medicine (Photo credit: aloucha)
Most wellness experts define several dimensions of wellness, including: physical, mental/intellectual, emotional, spiritual, and social. Ultimately, to be healthy and happy, one should strive to balance those five areas, letting no one dominate. This is easier said than done, especially as we all naturally gravitate to the areas that feel the most comfortable to us. I have two friends that exemplify for me what unbalance can look like.
She is of medium height with a soft, rather matronly, with a soft smile and kind eyes that immediately put you at ease. She has been through quite a bit in her five decades, and has developed a spiritual wisdom as a result. She is fully aware of her emotional existence, and embraces the emotions of others. She has a large social network and a smaller group of close friends which she sees on a regular basis.
This wonderful woman may not make to 60. Although she takes care of the physical needs of those around her, she disregards the requirements her body is screaming out for. She engages in little to no exercise and eats foods that are easy and comforting. On the phone, this person is a poster child for wellness, but her blood tests and BMI tell the full tale.
The other friend is a tall, lean, muscled man in his 30’s. His body speaks of the hours spent in the gym, his abs suggest no unhealthy food ever passes his lips. He is extremely intelligent, reads constantly, and is always looking to expand his knowledge base and engage in academic and scientific discourse.
Image via Wikipedia
This man is deeply unhappy. He is universally liked, yet shies away from the very friends who want to help him. He is afraid to explore his emotional and spiritual sides, preferring to intellectualized instead. This breaks my heart, especially because it reminds me of how I used to be, and I know how uncomfortable it is. This man could easily be on the cover of Men’s Health, but his inner life is not well.
Do you recognize yourself in either of these portraits? Are you unbalanced in your wellness? The areas that you dismiss as not being important and probably the ones where you have the most room to grow. None of us is a perfect balance, but we can all strive to become more centered.
Online dating has been in the news lately, as people realize it is not a panacea for modern dating woes.
I found myself suddenly catapulted into the world of dating after a 16 year relationship. The last time I had dated, I was dating boys. Now, I would be dating men.
initially, the prospect of dating was interesting, but not appetizing. I would wonder what it would be like to kiss another man, but the actual kissing (not to mention the “getting to know you” stuff that usually precedes it) had no interest for me. None. Until the day a guy from the gym asked me out. It was though a veil had lifted. All of a sudden, I was surrounded by and hyper-aware of men. I was a kid in a candy store. A dog at the dog park. A moth trapped behind glass. It was overwhelming. It was exciting. It was exactly what I needed.
After a few dates with a couple guys from the gym, I realized two things: I was ready to start dating, at least at a casual level, and the gym was simply not a large enough sample for me to choose from (especially because my gym-vibe cultivates platonic male friendships, which I do not want to change).
Image via CrunchBase
So, I turned to Match, posting the following profile.
I am a compilation of contradictions. I am the petite woman in pink lifting heavy weight at the gym. I love to go to action movies in heels and listen to classical music while on a run. I am an award winning math teacher who almost failed algebra II. I am a natural introvert who loves to be around friends. I appear to be reserved, yet I am actually quite open with my feelings. I abhor conventions; I choose to celebrate what makes me unique.
I am an intense person. I have strong opinions that I am not afraid to share. I make quick decisions and always know what my goals are. I am generally a thinker, analyzing everything around me.
I am a naturally curious person; I love to gain new knowledge. I love new experiences. I enjoy being with people who can teach me something new.
I love to travel, although circumstances have kept me close to home. I hope to remedy that soon.
I believe that you can tell quite a bit about a person by their habits. One of my habits is perusing a selection of websites to catch up on the news, the latest research, and the latest fun. I visit the following sites daily: CNN, The Weather Channel, Mental Floss, New York Times (especially the science and health sections), and Slate Magazine.
I value honesty, intelligence, and wit. I am looking to find someone to talk with, laugh with, and with whom to share experiences. Let’s meet for coffee and see if we’re a match.
The profile was completed with pictures my stepfather took of my during a Christmas visit. He and my mom got a laugh that they were responsible for the pictures used to find me a date.
I soon realized that I would need a way to manage the influx of emails. Being a geek and possessing an analytical mind, I of course created a metric and a spreadsheet to organize my experiences. In retrospect, I think I wanted the sheet and the evaluation system to be a guarantee, insurance that this guy was different than my husband. That this guy was honest.
The sheet filled quickly, as I went on dates daily (sometimes even doubling up on weekends). I was following my stepbrother’s advice, not wasting time time on much email or phone contact, and getting straight to the first meeting. The spreadsheet idea was abandoned after the first few weeks (I found I could remember and keep them straight better than I anticipated). It served its purpose; however, it helped to take me out of the impulsive shopping mode that online dating can trigger and it also taught me that I could trust myself. The spreadsheet was a useful tool, but it was only a tool, a security blanket. I didn’t need it to tell me who to date; I could use my intuition. Trust my gut.
I went into the whole experience just looking to learn more about myself, men, and the dating world. I was planning on moving across the country within 6 months, so I was not looking for anything serious. I viewed each contact as a lesson; what can I learn from this person? In that way, no date was a bad one, as there was always something to learn. I think this relaxed attitude led to my success with the system more than anything else. I went into Match and into each date with no expectations.
I spent 3 months on Match. In those 3 months, I became legally divorced, progressed through my healing process, decided not to move across the country, and met my current partner of 2 years. Just like the spreadsheet, online dating was a tool, but I still needed to now how to use it.
Let go of expectations. Enjoy the moments in the day. Celebrate your beauty and worth. Kiss a dog. Or cat. Or baby. Treat yourself to a breathe of fresh air. Pamper yourself. Perform an act of kindness for another. Laugh. Make a gratitude list. And, if all else fails, remember that tomorrow is the 15th.
Think about how amazing a good stretch feels. That magical moment when a tight muscle releases and you find freedom and lightness. Most of us understand the importance of physical flexibility. We realize that tightness is associated with pain and loss of movement. But do we consider our emotional flexibility? It’s so easy to rely on familiar thought patterns, to follow the well-worn grooves of the past. What might happen if you learn to stretch your emotional responses, to soften to discomfort, to release the tension?
Emotional yoga is one of the biggest lessons I am learning. Here are some of my experiences…
Lessons From the End of a Marriage 