Dating After Divorce: What About the Kids?

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dating after divorce

Dating after divorce?

I’ve known my entire adult life that I didn’t want kids. My first husband was in agreement and volunteered to get a vasectomy at 22, soon after we were married (try finding a doc willing to do that procedure!). All was good on the childless front.

And then I ended up single and back on the dating scene at 32. An age where my body (as far as I know) could still have babies and many age-appropriate men either already had them or would soon want them.

I was in the position to revisit my former decision never to have kids. And I realized that my position was not based on my former husband. Not only did I not want to have them, I didn’t want to be in a mother role of any kind.

I further made the very deliberate decision to never date anybody with kids. And I was very up front (even on my Match profile) that I never wanted kids. In fact, kid issue was one of the only deal breakers for a first date.

Some men tried to convince me that it was okay because they never saw their kid(s). That only made it worse (trading dad for deadbeat dad…).

One man assumed that I only wanted to avoid pregnancy for appearance reasons and concluded that I wanted to adopt. That was just absurd (stretchmarks don’t bother me, it’s the living, breathing endless responsibility I don’t want).

I encountered some great men (and seemingly great dads) that were kid- and family-oriented.

And I still said no.

Partly for me.

But mainly for them. Because I knew that I wasn’t what they were looking for and I didn’t want to waste their time (or risk their kid’s hearts).

And now happily married to a man that also didn’t want kids (reaffirmed after a stay with a 2-and 4-year-old over the holiday!), I’m very glad I made that choice to be vocal and committed to my personal choices.

But not everybody agrees.

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A woman wrote in to Dear Prudence recently who was in a 4-month relationship with an older man who had a 5-year-old son. The woman expressed her concern about being ready to date somebody with a kid. The response was to not worry about the kid yet and just be in the moment.

If the writer wanted kids in the near future or was even open to the idea of a kid, I would agree.

But she seemed unprepared for that step.

Fine for her.

Hard for the guy.

And potentially devastating for the kid.

I’ve watched friends stay in dating relationships too long for the sake of the partner’s kids.

I’ve witnessed the struggle when a non-parent and doesn’t-want-to-be-a-parent partner has to learn to accept their 2nd place position to the kids.

And I’ve seen kids, jettisoned once by their parent’s divorce, try to come to terms with abandonment by a parent’s partner.

Parenthood, either by biology or association, is a huge commitment. One that I believe should be taken deliberately and with the utmost care and consideration.

But of course, that’s coming from someone who has made the choice to avoid it.

So, I’m curious about your thoughts. If you have kids, would you consider dating someone who was ambivalent about children? If you don’t have them and you’ve decided you’re not ready to be a parent, would you be open to dating somebody with kids?

8 Positive Life Events That Can Stress Your Relationship

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We often underestimate stress. Not the frenetic energy of the I-have-a-deadline-to-meet panic or the constant fear of how the bills are going to get paid this month.

But the other stress. The good stress. The stress that sneaks in alongside positive life events. The occurrences we hope for, pray for and plan for.

Only to be surprised when the desired event is served with an unwanted heaping side of stress.

And sometimes that stress can be even harder to bear than that which accompanies life’s rough times. It’s often a surprise, and so catches people unaware. It’s less likely to receive support and understanding from others than a corresponding negative event. Even worse, we often chastise ourselves for feeling stressed when life hands us a tall, cold glass of lemonade, believing that it is somehow wrong to feel that way when others are trying to juggle lemons.

But the reality is that stress accompanies any change. Even positive transformations. And a little prior knowledge, awareness and understanding can help to ensure that this stress – and its effects – are temporary.

Marriage

Wedding planning and execution is an effective distraction from the very real stresses that can accompany a new marriage. Although not as common as it once was, this may be the first time you’re learning how to live as roommates with your new spouse. And the reality of the commitment can be daunting as you realize that you’ve promised to sleep next to this person for the rest of your life.

Add to this the questions and expectations thrown at the new couple, with the peanut gallery pushing for home-buying and child-making before the honeymoon bags have even been unpacked.

This is a stress of transition and one the newness has passed, the stress will fade as well.

Promotion

When the celebratory dinner fades, the reality may begin to set in. The increase in position will most likely result in an increased workload, especially at first. This shift in work demands impacts the entire family, as others pick up the slack at home or act as a sounding board for the newly-promoted partner’s anxieties. A promotion also brings with it an increase in income, which requires new discussions around household finances and goals. There may be geographic constraints instituted  by the new position, requiring anything from remaining in the same area to a move across the world. All of these changes requires discussion, negotiation and perhaps compromise.

And perhaps most importantly, a promotion can come with a host of expectations, from the brand of work attire worn to the right neighborhood to live in. In a culture where we so often define ourselves by what we do, a change in work status can easily bleed into other areas.I saw this with my ex, as he moved from skilled manual labor to design and management positions. He became more concerned with appearances and projecting the image of someone who is successful.

It’s important to continue to remember and tell the story of the earlier days of struggle. To emphasize the team nature of the marriage, even as the roles may shift. If you’re the partner moving up in the work world, make sure to also expend energy to nurture your family; they’re the soil that anchors your roots. If you’re the spouse whose partner has been promoted, support them and also make sure you’re taking care of yourself.

Windfall

Whether it’s a lottery win or an unexpected inheritance from your great-aunt Gertrude, most of us dream of coming into a pile of money.

And most of us rarely entertain the downside of a sudden financial windfall.From the immediate, “What are we going to do with this money?” to the inevitable realization that no windfall is infinite in scope.

The sudden influx of cash can highlight any discrepancies in financial ideologies with the spender and the saver arguing over the best use of the funds. Sometimes the best decision is no decision, at least for a time. Let the money sit while you adjust to the idea of it and have time to engage in productive (rather than reactive) conversation with your partner.

New House

In most major cities, many couples struggle with the decision to buy a smaller, older home closer to the city and to work or to instead look to the far-flung suburbs with its large homes and equally generous commutes. Each has its potential stressors – the city home may be too small to comfortably fit the family and the schools may not be desirable. The suburban home entices with its low-priced perfection, but a lengthy commute can drain a person (and the family) in time.

I worry about families who decide to trade time for house size. We have neighbors who are making this move themselves in a few short weeks. And the husband will spend at least four hours on the road every day while his wife, who also works full-time, will essentially be solely responsible for their two young children. They are getting a great house and great schools. I just hope the price isn’t also great.

And even once the stress of the move is over, there is often the additional burden of being house-poor, especially in the beginning when everything seems to demand being purchased and updated at once. But at the end of the day, it’s just a house. And no structure is worth damaging a family over.

School

This one is so prevalent, I wrote an entire post about it.

Birth of a Baby

Although I’m not a parent, I’ve had the opportunity to witness this one first hand, with a couple who negotiated quite well through that first, stressful year.

The addition of a new family member – a crying, screaming, needy family member – is a huge stressor on a couple. Because the reality is hard, even when growing the family had always been a shared dream.

Celebrate your new status as a parent while ensuring that you don’t forget who you are apart from being a parent. And love on that baby while making sure that you don’t neglect to love on your spouse as well.

Empty Nest

“What do we even talk about now?” a friend confided in me after sending the youngest off to college. For most of her adult life, her marriage had been centered around child-rearing. And now with the children reared, the marriage was needing redefining. The stress of the transition caught her off guard, as she was eagerly looking forward to having more time and freedom.

Couples often come to rely on the energy and distraction of children to fill in the gaps in their own relationship. And when the children are gone, the fissures become clear and demand attention.

Retirement

Brock and I have annual practice at this one. It’s always a rough transition when the school year concludes and he has to adapt to me being around the house (where his office is located) all day long. We have to renegotiate alone time and boundaries while also taking advantage of the increased opportunities for connection. And, after a couple weeks, we usually have it all worked out. I really hope that our repeated practice pays off when we get to the real deal:)  Because from what I’ve heard from friends, it can be a doozy of a transition!

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Nothing in life is all-good or all-bad. It is an endless swirl of both joy and tragedy, celebration and strain. The only certainty we are promised is change. And the best way to find happiness is to learn to accept what life has in store while adapting to what comes your way. Peace is found not in being stationary, but in being fluid.

 

Should I Wait Until After the Holidays to Ask For a Divorce?

Posted on by stilllearning2b
holidays divorce

Sometimes the decision to divorce coincides with the arrival of the holiday season. In some cases, the decision has been made and the separating couple has to decide if they are going to keep the news a secret from friends and family until after the New Year.

And other times, the decision has only been made by one spouse and they face the difficult decision of telling their partner immediately or waiting until the holidays are past. It makes the process of asking for a divorce even that much more complex and painful when it happens to correspond with a season that is all about family and tradition.

So what is the right call? Do you tell your spouse before the holidays? Or do you keep your mouth shut and play the part until the season passes?

As you may suspect, there is no “right” answer, no one way to act. In fact, each option has its own pros and cons.

Telling Your Spouse You Want a Divorce

Before the Holidays

Pros

Possibility of Increased Support

In today’s world, families are often spread across the country. Your partner’s parents, siblings and even friends may live in different cities. The holidays are a time of gathering. And even if there is nothing planned, this is a time when people tend to be available and may be able to rally to support a person reeling from the realization that their marriage is over.

Natural Break From Work Demands

You have been processing this decision for a time, whereas it may come as a surprise to your spouse. The holidays often offer a break from work for a few days. Days that can be coming to terms with the new reality while they do not have to sit in a cubicle while wearing sunglasses to hide teary eyes.

No Pretending

If you have the discussion sooner rather than later, you are spared from the performance of “Everything’s Fine,” a challenging role to assume at any time and even more so when the entire world seems to be celebrating.

Cons

Impacts Any Family Traditions

The consequences of the announcement will be felt immediately and the aftershocks will spread. Any family gatherings will be altered, not only for you, your spouse and your children, but also for others in attendance. The holiday will become less about any celebrations and traditions and more about dealing with the immediate fallout of the end of the marriage. Obviously, this impact is most important to consider if you have children.

Changes the Meaning of the Holidays, Possibly Forever

Christmas, etc. will forever after be known as the “Season When My Husband/Wife Asked For a Divorce” (or, “When Mommy or Daddy Left”). That is a link that once made, cannot easily be undone.

Professional Support May Not Be Available

While family and friends may be more available, professional support – counselors, doctors and even attorneys – may not be on call. And there are some services that are best left to the professionals.

 

Waiting to Tell Your Spouse You Want a Divorce Until After the Holidays

Pros

Maintains Family Traditions

The get-togethers and rituals are preserved for one more year, giving time for those impacted to adjust and prepare before the holidays circle around again. Comfort and restoration can be found in those traditions.

Calmer After the Holiday

The crazy, over-scheduled weeks leading up to the holidays often settle down dramatically once January arrives. And this can be important since divorce brings with it its own crazy demands on time, money and attention.

Potential of Lessened Guilt and Anger

By waiting to deliver the news, you may reduce the guilt you feel about announcing the end of your marriage and you may mitigate the anger that your spouse feels. This can make the following months more amicable.

Cons

Have to Fake It

If you keep the news a secret, you have to be willing and able to fake your marriage for a few weeks or months. This isn’t easy and, if your spouse sees through your act, can result in an ugly confrontation.

Spouse/Kids May See the Holiday as a Lie

When you announce divorce in January, it’s pretty clear to everybody that you were simply biding your time (after all, there’s a reason that it’s nicknamed Divorce Season). That realization can make your spouse and kids feel as though the previous holiday was a farce and they may wonder what else you deceived them about.

Waiting is Difficult if You Feel Compelled to Act

If you have been contemplating divorce for awhile and you’ve now reached a decision, you may feel driven to act upon your choice. You might find it difficult to stay patient and refrain from making forward progress on your decision while you wait for the calendar to cooperate.

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The truth of the matter is that there is no perfect time to broach the topic of divorce. There will always be a birthday, an anniversary, a graduation or a major holiday just around the corner. Worry less about what is coming and focus more on the specifics of the conversation :

1 – DO be clear in your intent and your timeline.

2 – DO allow your spouse time to process and space to respond without being defensive.

3 – DO deliver the news with a counselor’s support, if needed.

4 – DO be kind. There is nothing to be gained by seasoning the news with insults and injury.

How to Have the Difficult Conversations

5 – DON’T allow the news to be a complete and total surprise; your spouse should know the relationship is in trouble first.

6 – DON’T deliver the news in a public location without any chance of privacy.

7 – DON’T expect a positive reaction. They will need time to adjust to the idea. Allow that time.

8 – DON’T proclaim divorce in anger. It’s not a barb to throw during a fight; it’s a deliberate and important major life decision.

The Best Ways to End a Relationship, According to Science

 

What We Can All Learn From “Married At First Sight”

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The concept of this show fascinates me. It’s taking the concept of arranged marriage, adding the knowledge and support of psychologists and relationship experts and applying the mixture on modern singles who, by the very fact they are willing to take this risk, may not be very traditional. The show’s participants first must submit to hours of interviews and psychological tests in addition to a home visit before they are even considered. Then, when the producers have their potential partners narrowed down, the experts (a psychologist, a sexologist and a spiritual advisor) sift through the candidates in order to determine which ones would make good matches.

Not for a date.

Or even to live on an island together for a month.

But for a marriage.

A legally binding, til death do us part promise, delivered to a person they have never met.

Yikes.

Now, of course this is sensational. And extreme for most of us. But it’s also a very interesting social experiment that has some surprising elements of wisdom that we can all learn from.

Even good people may not make good spouses

It’s interesting to hear the experts debate about the candidates. They each have their own particular insight into personalities and insecurities. And they frequently will classify a person as a really good guy/gal, but pass them by because they are doubtful of their ability to make a good spouse.

There is a difference between being a good person and being a good partner. And that’s an important distinction to be aware of, whether you’re in the role of the good-person-but-not-relationship-ready or you’ve fallen for a good person who is missing key elements of relationship readiness. Sometimes good people need to be good and single, at least for now. And that’s okay.

There’s no such thing as a perfect match

As the experts solidify the matches, they point out areas where the proposed couple may struggle. And that’s after a pool of thousands has been scrutinized, analyzed and organized.

Because when you bring together two imperfect people, you’re going to have an imperfect union.

The participants are counseled before they commit to the experience that their match will not be utopian. And that’s a good conviction to start a marriage with. Because when you don’t lead with the expectation of perfection, you’re less likely to run away at the first sign of disharmony.

Marriage requires sustained effort

The participants go in with the assumption that they’re going to have to work at building a relationship with the stranger-spouse. Whereas, in a typical marriage,  we go in with the assumption that the work (dating, etc.) is already done. There’s a dangerous belief out there which states that marriage should not require work and that one that makes demands of effort is somehow lacking in authenticity.

Either those that perpetuate that myth have never been married to a person with their own beliefs and opinions or they misunderstand the definition of work. Because marriage absolutely requires work – mental or physical effort expended with the intention of achieving a desired purpose or result. And if you don’t work at it, it won’t work for you.

Let your support system support you

The participants in the show may have to deal with the endless cameras and individual interviews, but they are lucky in one regard – they have support and a lot of it. Most of us are not fortunate enough to be surrounded by a team of professionals that are all rooting for our marriage.

Yet even though we don’t have the budget of television, we can all choose to surround ourselves with people that support us AND believe in our marriage. The people we encircle our marriage with are almost as important as the person we choose to marry.

Attraction can grow

Some of the matched pairs display an immediate attraction. But most approach their spouse for what he or she is – a stranger. Neither compelling or repealing, but simply an unknown that they are about to pledge their commitment to. But those that agree to this experiment all have a powerful belief that attraction can grow and be cultivated.

Not convinced? Have you ever felt attraction fade due to inattention or a focus on the negative? Why would this only run in a single direction? Whatever you nurture, grows. Rather than gazing over the fence, water your own grass and grow the attraction in your marriage.

Let’s talk about sex BEFORE we talk about marriage

I applaud the inclusion of an expert in sex and intimacy on the show. Sex is important in a marriage and while any amount or type of sex is variable and up for debate, the spouses’ agreement on it is not. As with anything, it is easy to lead with assumptions and shame about sex – “This is what I like, so it must also be what my partner likes.” “The amount of sex I want is normal and anybody who wants more or less is either sex-addicted or frigid.” “I’m uncomfortable talking about sex, but it’s just the act that matters, right?” “Sex is a sign of a healthy relationship.” “A relationship must be healthy before sex can take place.”

Of course, the couples in the show don’t have the opportunity to discuss sexual needs, desires and hang-ups before the marriage. So the experts do it for them. They are careful to avoid pairing someone with more puritanical views with a person who is more passionate and adventurous. For the rest of us, we have to do that talking ourselves. And yes, it is important to talk. Because the added hormones at the beginning of a relationship can hide a lot of incompatibility.

Commit to the marriage separate from the person

On the best days, you will be committed to your marriage AND to your spouse. But they’re not all best days. In fact, some of the days of the marriage will be awful. And those are the days to be even more resolute in your commitment. Not to your partner (especially if you can’t even look at them without growling at the moment), but to the marriage.

And that’s exactly what the participants in the show do. They’ve committed to the marriage (and yes, to the show) before they ever pledged their loyalty to a particular spouse. And there’s real value in that. As long as the spouse is not abusive, let your commitment to the marriage be the glue that keeps you together through the hard times.

Focus on fixing yourself and getting to know your partner

It’s so easy to focus on your partner’s flaws and to pronounce that everything would be better if he or she would simply change. Yet in the show, that option is rarely there since the spouses know next-to-nothing about each other. Instead, they (with the encouragement of the support professionals), work to address their own issues and insecurities while making an effort to get to know their partner. They’re a little less likely to lay blame at the feet of the other.

Those duel processes – improving yourself and listening to your partner without assumptions – are ongoing. People are dynamic. Marriages are dynamic. If you stay static, you’ll miss the magic.

At the end of the show, some spouses do call it quits and decide to divorce. But others see the potential and the progress and elect to stay married.

And at the end of the day, marriage is more about the hundreds of commitments made every day than the single big vow on the wedding day.

 

Do’s And Don’ts When Your Partner Withdraws

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It can be quite painful when you sense that your partner is pulling away or retreating within. It’s easy to climb the panic ladder, following a trail of assumptions that determine that the withdrawal is a sign of a fatal condition.

And yes, withdrawal is a sign. A sign that something is unbalanced in your partner’s world and he or she is attempting to reinstate equilibrium. And that’s often an inside job.

So what’s your role when your partner withdraws? What actions are better avoided and which ones will render aid to the situation at hand?

———-

Don’t take it personally.

When somebody pulls away, it’s natural to jump to the conclusion that they’re pulling away from you. Yet that’s often not the case. In fact, here are 7 reasons that people withdraw in relationships. And many of those have nothing to do with the relationship at all.

And yes, maybe this particular withdrawal does originate from the relationship or perhaps it is a sign of a negative pattern of communication. But nothing good can come from reaching that conclusion prematurely.

Don’t smother.

My childhood dog was a free spirit, a wild child that always viewed an open door or loose dirt beneath a fence line as an opportunity for adventure. The first few times she escaped, I would run after her in desperation.

Which only made her run harder.

Eventually, I learned to sit still and she would often come to me.

When we are afraid of losing something (or someone), we often respond by grasping. When we feel suffocated by something (or someone), we often respond by running.

Don’t withdraw.

It can be painful to feel a distance between you and partner. Lonely. Isolating. And some respond to this pain by retreating inward themselves. And yes, it can feel safer behind that door. But two locked doors are more difficult to breach than one.

Don’t obsess.

Don’t provide sanctuary for a mindworm that feeds upon your fears. Your cyclical thoughts only serve to make you miserable; they offer nothing in the form of resolution or peace.

Don’t enable.

If your partner is making poor choices or refusing to seek assistance when it is obviously necessary, refrain from enabling those behaviors. Think tough love. Not sacrificial love.

———-

Do set boundaries.

Struggle is no excuse to act sh*tty. You do not  have to tolerate any and all behaviors. Decide where your boundaries lie. Communicate them. And then stand by them. Here is some further information on boundary-setting.

Do take care of yourself.

You’re in a tough spot. A position of helplessness and alienation. So be kind to yourself. Step up the self-care. Rally the supporters. Seek connection and reassurance from safe sources. Never allow one person to determine your worth.

Do seek an explanation.

You deserve to know what is going on. It may be that your partner does not have the words or ability to understand his or her own actions yet. You may need to be patient while being persistent that it is their responsibility to dig into the root causes of the behavior. And just how patient you will be is up to you (see boundaries).

Do be introspective.

While your partner is dealing with his or her own stuff, take an opportunity to examine your own thoughts and beliefs. I often see spouses giving up when their partner refuses to participate in couple’s counseling. When often, this is a great time to seek help by yourself, for yourself. It is a great time to examine patterns and assumptions that you may carry that impact your relationship.

Do offer support.

You and your partner are a team. And team members step up when one is taken down.

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Remember that you cannot control another’s actions, only your response. You cannot force your partner to come out of hibernation. But you can decide how you will survive the winter.