What Goes Around

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Five years ago today, I went through the Atlanta airport on my way to Seattle to see my father for the first time in years. I was anxious about seeing my dad and had no idea it was the last time I would ever see my husband.

Today, I am going through the Atlanta airport on my way to Seattle to see my father for the first time in months. I am ecstatic about seeing him and my new husband is joining me on this trip.

I worried I would always dread this week in the year.

But there’s nothing to dread.

It may have been the week that ended my old life.

But it was also the start of my new and better one.

The Power in Our Stories

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Have you ever realized how powerful your story is?

We craft them and then they shape us, each imprinting upon the other until it unclear where we end and our stories begin.

We use our stories to inform others of our core selves and beliefs.

We use our stories as parables, passing along wisdom and advice.

We use our stories to inspire others, transmitting hope and motivation.

We use our stories to find clarity and purpose in life’s events.

But we also use our stories to guide ourselves into becoming what we desire.

Our stories are powerful alone and even more powerful together.

 

I’m excited about this selection of upcoming guest bloggers. It is a diverse group – men, women, parents, childless, fresh from divorce and further along the path. I hope you enjoy them but, even more, I hope their stories help you grow and enrich your own.

I would like to extend my utmost gratitude to those that shared their posts and also to those who read them. Life – and blogging – is better with friends!

Take care of each other and I’ll “see” you soon.

Lisa

 

 

 

 

How NOT to Be a Victim

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“Let me introduce you to the victim advocate,” offered the policeman who had arrested my husband the day before.

I stopped short. That was the first time that word – victim – had ever been applied to me. I certainly felt victimized. My partner of sixteen years had just abandoned me with a text message, stolen all of my money and then committed bigamy. Yet even though I was still in the acute phase of suffering, I startled at the application of the word “victim.”

Because even though I had been hurt, I did not want to see myself as a victim. Although it felt good for the pain and unfairness to be recognized, the term also made me feel minimized. Read the rest of the post here and learn how NOT to be a victim.

 

When to Ask the Hard Questions?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When I first entered the online dating arena 4 1/2 years ago, the choice of providers was simple. I was warned away from OKCupid’s “hook-up” culture (which, from what I hear, has shifted in the years since). eHarmony rejected my “separated” marital status and, besides, they promoted themselves as the site used to find a spouse, which was NOT what I was looking for at the time. And Plenty of Fish only seemed appropriate if I was looking for a future in cradle robbing.

So, Match it was by default.

Their system at the time was pretty straightforward. After paying some money and completing a profile, you could either wink or message people and have the same done to you. The messaging was free response, which led to some interesting emails but also allowed for a quick weeding-out of the potential date pool. I received countless messages like the following:

You have a nice butt. I’d like to meet it in person.

 

Is that a recent picture? The last chick I met looked hot in her photo but was fat in real life.

 

Hi. You look nice. Id like to meat u.

 

Even the more thoughtful and thought-provoking responses didn’t provide any true character or relationship information. All they did was act as a first-level screen, sifting the debris out from the potential gems. The real getting-to-know you happened later.

 

In a conversation with a friend yesterday, I learned about eHarmony’s methodology. After a wink, you have the option of asking your interest a series of questions selected from a list. These are hard-hitting questions, the type that are important, yet frequently overlooked in the early, heady days of lust.

When you are in a relationship, how much alone time do you need?

 

How do you view gender roles?

 

Now, the part I find interesting, is that these are all multiple choice questions.

All you have to do is click on your selection.

No explanations.

No bigger picture.

 

Personally, I have mixed feelings about this approach. I love the fact that eHarmony encourages people to think about the traits that really matter in a relationship (yeah, apart from the butt). However, I have limited faith in the authenticity of a multiple choice response and I fear that people may be rejected for a simple answer to a more complex question. Nuance reduced to a letter.

What are your thoughts? Do you/would you prefer a more natural, open-ended format or do you like the pre-screening of the real questions first?

 

Taking Candy From Strangers

Posted on by stilllearning2b

My usual grocery trip this morning was anything but usual.

There were four lines open, four registers with glowing beacons welcoming customers.

But only one register had a line.

Employees kept trying to persuade the queued customers to relocate, to shift a few feet to the right or left in order to shave ten or fifteen minutes off their wait.

All refused.

And when they turned their faces towards me, I could the tears in their eyes.

You see, this was not a usual day.

This was Mary’s last day.

I met Mary almost three years ago when I moved and first visited that store. It was just chance, that first meeting, her register was open and the line was short. Her smile that day was genuine. Her “How are you?” was more than just a memorized line uttered for the benefit of management. Her gaze alternated between the groceries she scanned and the customers she served.

That was chance. The rest was intentional. My grocery trips were timed around Mary’s hours. I looked forward to our weekly visits. Our friendship was built in ten minutes a week, milestones exchanged and stories told over produce weighed and coupons scanned. We learned to read each other, able to tell at a glance what kind of a day the other was having. She was one of the first to learn of my new marriage and one of the first to recognize when I was headed for work overload. I learned of her struggles and triumphs as we dialoged and celebrated.

Yet, in many ways, we remain strangers, limited by the constraints of the environment where we rendezvous.

 

But some of the most important people in my life have been relative strangers.

Some of the most touching kindness has come from people I barely know.

From the policeman that arrested my ex husband.

To the gas station clerk that frequently comped my morning coffee during that year of tear-stained cheeks.

People that touched my life more than they will ever know.

 

We have expectations of kindness when it comes to friends and family. When the expectation is met, we are satisfied but not surprised.

Yet with strangers, we lead with no expectations. So when they reach out with kindness, it is even more remarkable.

A hand extended out of compassion rather than obligation.

 

So thank the Marys in your life and strive to be the Mary for someone else.

Forget what your mother taught you. Life is better when we take candy from strangers.