Facing Divorce? Here’s What You NEED to Know

Posted on by stilllearning2b
need to know

Is divorce in your future? Here’s what you need to know!

  1. Your brain won’t work right for a while. You’ll fear that the affected thinking is permanent. It’s not. But invest in notepads in the meantime because you’ll need to write everything down. Your brain is sluggish because it is recovering from a TLI – Traumatic Life Injury. It will get better.
  2. When you see seemingly happy families or couples, you’ll experience jealousy like you’ve never imagined, your brain throwing toddler-like temper tantrums of, “It’s not fair.” Sometimes it’s easiest to give them a little distance until your envy fades. And in the meantime, watch or read about people that have it worse than you.IMG_4619
  3. Your body will change. You may gain or lose weight, depending upon your personal dietary response to stress. Wrinkles and gray hairs may suddenly appear or increase in number. You will catch every cold and digestion will be impaired. Protect your sleep, eat your veggies and buy a new belt.
  4. At some point, you will have a sexual dream or fantasy about your ex. And you will go from feeling both titillated and comfortable to being repulsed and unsure. You will wonder how you ever found him or her attractive. Take a lesson from preteens and develop safe crushes and fantasies on famous people. It helps to reassure you that you’re not dead while protecting you from fantasizing about your ex or encouraging you to get between the sheets with another before you’re ready. And the first time you do engage with a new partner? You’ll feel like you’re cheating. IMG_4610
  5. You will be memory slammed. And it will happen just when you feel as though you’ve made progress and when your mind is other places. And it will feel as though you’ve caught a bowling ball launched by Babe Ruth with your gut. Keep breathing. It will fade.
  6. The court process will be worse than you ever imagined. But at the same time, it will be much less important than you believe. You will give the paperwork and the process too much power over you. And you will only realize that misappropriation of significance after it’s over.IMG_4646
  7. Your brain will become your worst enemy, offering up, “What ifs” and rudely bringing up painful memories just as you’re trying to get your sh*t together. You don’t have to indulge its every whim. Try exhausting it or distracting it, much like you would with an unruly toddler.
  8. You will experience a false dawn, a period where you feel excited and “over it.” And you will be angry when others caution you that it’s too soon. As much as you want them to be wrong, you will soon learn that they are right, when you come crashing down again. Even though this respite is brief, let it fill you with hope.IMG_4623
  9. Over time, you will start to see the person you were before the divorce as a separate entity. A different person. A foreign person. You will speak of your life in two chapters – before and after. And as you move further into your new chapter, the pain of the old begins to fade.
  10. As the immediate emotions of fear and anger and despair begin to soften, frustration will move in. You will feel stuck and wonder why you can’t just be done with it already. You will feel embarrassed that you’re still struggling, believing that you should be done by now. Sometimes this is harder than the initial pain because your rational brain is being held hostage and is fighting against the restraints. Escape takes time. Stay with it.IMG_4616

  11. You will be okay. I promise:)IMG_4652

My First-Ever New Year’s Resolution

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I’m generally not a fan of resolutions – they generally aim too high, lack staying power and lead to feelings of guilt and failure when they inevitably crash and burn.

But this year, I’m ignoring my own advice and I’m committing to a resolution for the New Year.

A resolution inspired by watching my husband over the past few days.

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The day after Christmas found us on a plane leaving warm and soggy Atlanta to travel to not-quite-as-warm-but-equally-soggy Baltimore for a few days of football (Go Ravens!), family (his) and crab cakes (all his!).

And my husband loves his crab cakes. On this visit, like every visit to Maryland, he consumed crab for breakfast, lunch, dinner and snack. Every bowl of soup was upended to reach every last drop. Each plate that held a precious crab cake was scraped or licked clean. Every last morsel was consumed with passion and purpose.

It was a beautiful thing.

In those moments, he was not concerned with the head-shaking that others may engage in when observing a soup bowl turned into a mug. He didn’t exercise restraint, metering out the bites like little crab crumbs left to mark a trail.

He ate with full-force gusto.

Which is also how he lives.

—–

My resolution for the New Year is to become a plate-licker. Probably not literally, because I rarely see the bottom of a plate, but in attitude. To worry less about restraint and instead, focus more on the pleasure in the moment. To celebrate hedonism in the small things without concern for what others think I should be doing.

And to realize that happiness and joy is not a finite resource that must be parceled out in order to last.

Happy New Year!

In 2015, I presented a challenge – to my readers and to myself – in place of a resolution. How did you do? I’m still working on mine:)

Looking the Wrong Direction

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When I was young, I used to drive my mom crazy by insisting upon walking one direction while holding my gaze steady in another. When the inevitable collisions and falls occurred, I would cry out. Partly in pain and partly from surprise. Because even though I wasn’t watching where I was walking, I couldn’t believe that I ran into trouble.

Even though I got better at walking as I got older, it turns out I didn’t really get much better at looking where I was headed. At least when it came to marriage. Because like so many of us do, while I was saying my vows, I was looking the wrong direction.

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Before deciding to marry, people often worry about the seriousness and permanence of pledging to spend a lifetime with one person. They worry about forever in a world where there are no certainties and you never really know what lies around the next bend.

They may express concern about the consequences and potential sacrifice of pledging sexual fidelity to one person. A fear arises about the bedroom dying, a gangrenous limb attached to the ailing body of the marriage.

There may be a concern that the attentive and attractive new spouse may change over time and that the current positive feelings may not weather the transition. There’s a sense of promising to love someone as they are now and hoping that you’ll still love the person they become.

We might worry about our partner’s future abilities as a breadwinner or a parent. We know how they fit into our lives now, but we are unsure of how their role may change as families and jobs change around us.

And perhaps most common and most pressing, we wonder if we are choosing to marry the right person. We consider his or her weaknesses and wonder if we can tolerate them for-potentially-ever. We may look at their family and pick apart their issues and personalities. Economically-driven thoughts may filter through, as we wonder if this person is the best we can do.

But none of these fears address what is really important.

We’re looking in the wrong direction.

Because what we should be concerned with is not the unknowable future, not the inevitable changes that will occur and not even so much the person we have chosen to marry.

Instead of looking outward, we would be better served by looking at ourselves. Because if you’re anything like me, that’s really what you should be scared of.

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I did my share of considering all sides of my first husband before we got married. I knew his ups, his downs, his family skeletons and thought I had a good handle on what I was signing up for. I knew he was good to me and thought he was good for me.

And I was looking the wrong way.

Looking where I wanted.

Instead of where I was going.

Because I was afraid of seeing the truth.

I asked the easy questions and accepted the easy answers.

Because I was afraid of hearing the truth.

And when my marriage ran into trouble, I cried out. Partly in pain and partly from surprise. Because even though I wasn’t watching where I was walking, I couldn’t believe that I ran into misfortune.

—–

My ex husband christened himself a coward in the text that ended the marriage. His cowardice was overt, leading one life with me while hiding a covert life behind my back.

My cowardice was more subtle, a fear of things too big to handle. A child’s view of “If I can’t see it, it can’t get me.”

And so before my second marriage, I most certainly spent energy considering my potential spouse. Making sure he possessed the adaptability to handle life’s curves and the courage to face life’s troubles. I made sure his strengths and weaknesses were compatible with mine and that his shortcomings weren’t deal-breakers.

But I spent much more energy on myself. At working at being more brave about asking the hard questions and being willing to listen to hard answers. At seeing what is there, even when it is threatening. At trusting myself to be strong enough to handle the truth, no matter how awful it may become.

Because here’s what I realized – how I approach my marriage, my partner is just as important (if not more so) than all of those other concerns above.

Looking in the right direction doesn’t guarantee that I will never fall, but it certainly lowers the risk of surprise and the frequency of accidental collisions.

I guess I’ll have to find another way to drive mom crazy:)

8 Positive Life Events That Can Stress Your Relationship

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We often underestimate stress. Not the frenetic energy of the I-have-a-deadline-to-meet panic or the constant fear of how the bills are going to get paid this month.

But the other stress. The good stress. The stress that sneaks in alongside positive life events. The occurrences we hope for, pray for and plan for.

Only to be surprised when the desired event is served with an unwanted heaping side of stress.

And sometimes that stress can be even harder to bear than that which accompanies life’s rough times. It’s often a surprise, and so catches people unaware. It’s less likely to receive support and understanding from others than a corresponding negative event. Even worse, we often chastise ourselves for feeling stressed when life hands us a tall, cold glass of lemonade, believing that it is somehow wrong to feel that way when others are trying to juggle lemons.

But the reality is that stress accompanies any change. Even positive transformations. And a little prior knowledge, awareness and understanding can help to ensure that this stress – and its effects – are temporary.

Marriage

Wedding planning and execution is an effective distraction from the very real stresses that can accompany a new marriage. Although not as common as it once was, this may be the first time you’re learning how to live as roommates with your new spouse. And the reality of the commitment can be daunting as you realize that you’ve promised to sleep next to this person for the rest of your life.

Add to this the questions and expectations thrown at the new couple, with the peanut gallery pushing for home-buying and child-making before the honeymoon bags have even been unpacked.

This is a stress of transition and one the newness has passed, the stress will fade as well.

Promotion

When the celebratory dinner fades, the reality may begin to set in. The increase in position will most likely result in an increased workload, especially at first. This shift in work demands impacts the entire family, as others pick up the slack at home or act as a sounding board for the newly-promoted partner’s anxieties. A promotion also brings with it an increase in income, which requires new discussions around household finances and goals. There may be geographic constraints instituted  by the new position, requiring anything from remaining in the same area to a move across the world. All of these changes requires discussion, negotiation and perhaps compromise.

And perhaps most importantly, a promotion can come with a host of expectations, from the brand of work attire worn to the right neighborhood to live in. In a culture where we so often define ourselves by what we do, a change in work status can easily bleed into other areas.I saw this with my ex, as he moved from skilled manual labor to design and management positions. He became more concerned with appearances and projecting the image of someone who is successful.

It’s important to continue to remember and tell the story of the earlier days of struggle. To emphasize the team nature of the marriage, even as the roles may shift. If you’re the partner moving up in the work world, make sure to also expend energy to nurture your family; they’re the soil that anchors your roots. If you’re the spouse whose partner has been promoted, support them and also make sure you’re taking care of yourself.

Windfall

Whether it’s a lottery win or an unexpected inheritance from your great-aunt Gertrude, most of us dream of coming into a pile of money.

And most of us rarely entertain the downside of a sudden financial windfall.From the immediate, “What are we going to do with this money?” to the inevitable realization that no windfall is infinite in scope.

The sudden influx of cash can highlight any discrepancies in financial ideologies with the spender and the saver arguing over the best use of the funds. Sometimes the best decision is no decision, at least for a time. Let the money sit while you adjust to the idea of it and have time to engage in productive (rather than reactive) conversation with your partner.

New House

In most major cities, many couples struggle with the decision to buy a smaller, older home closer to the city and to work or to instead look to the far-flung suburbs with its large homes and equally generous commutes. Each has its potential stressors – the city home may be too small to comfortably fit the family and the schools may not be desirable. The suburban home entices with its low-priced perfection, but a lengthy commute can drain a person (and the family) in time.

I worry about families who decide to trade time for house size. We have neighbors who are making this move themselves in a few short weeks. And the husband will spend at least four hours on the road every day while his wife, who also works full-time, will essentially be solely responsible for their two young children. They are getting a great house and great schools. I just hope the price isn’t also great.

And even once the stress of the move is over, there is often the additional burden of being house-poor, especially in the beginning when everything seems to demand being purchased and updated at once. But at the end of the day, it’s just a house. And no structure is worth damaging a family over.

School

This one is so prevalent, I wrote an entire post about it.

Birth of a Baby

Although I’m not a parent, I’ve had the opportunity to witness this one first hand, with a couple who negotiated quite well through that first, stressful year.

The addition of a new family member – a crying, screaming, needy family member – is a huge stressor on a couple. Because the reality is hard, even when growing the family had always been a shared dream.

Celebrate your new status as a parent while ensuring that you don’t forget who you are apart from being a parent. And love on that baby while making sure that you don’t neglect to love on your spouse as well.

Empty Nest

“What do we even talk about now?” a friend confided in me after sending the youngest off to college. For most of her adult life, her marriage had been centered around child-rearing. And now with the children reared, the marriage was needing redefining. The stress of the transition caught her off guard, as she was eagerly looking forward to having more time and freedom.

Couples often come to rely on the energy and distraction of children to fill in the gaps in their own relationship. And when the children are gone, the fissures become clear and demand attention.

Retirement

Brock and I have annual practice at this one. It’s always a rough transition when the school year concludes and he has to adapt to me being around the house (where his office is located) all day long. We have to renegotiate alone time and boundaries while also taking advantage of the increased opportunities for connection. And, after a couple weeks, we usually have it all worked out. I really hope that our repeated practice pays off when we get to the real deal:)  Because from what I’ve heard from friends, it can be a doozy of a transition!

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Nothing in life is all-good or all-bad. It is an endless swirl of both joy and tragedy, celebration and strain. The only certainty we are promised is change. And the best way to find happiness is to learn to accept what life has in store while adapting to what comes your way. Peace is found not in being stationary, but in being fluid.

 

Domino of Desire

Posted on by stilllearning2b

So the kitchen renovation is now basically complete. The planned replacements are installed – new cabinet veneer hiding the scars of old wood, the new counter tops and back splash taking the place of outdated pink tile and a fresh coat of paint now ties it all together.

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By far, the nicest kitchen I have ever had. I don’t think I’ve worked in my office since these counters were installed:)

According to our plan, all that is now needed is the replacement of the removed crown molding to match the molding throughout the rest of the first floor (Where somebody once decided it made sense to install three different sizes of crown. Why? For the love of all things mitered, who would ever think that made sense???).

But that’s just the plan. My suddenly domesticated and I-guess-this-is-what-they-call-nesting brain has other ideas. Because now that the kitchen is done, the Kroger-brand bottle of hand soap looks shabby on the counter. And speaking of counters, they needed a little color splash that didn’t fade as we eat the real fruit throughout the week.

And I even went way outside my usual path of maximum efficiency to fill and label pretty spice jars to put on my new spice shelves.

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And this domino effect isn’t just limited to the kitchen. The dining room finally had its horrific chandelier replaced (I think the old one was selected by the same owners that settled on the papa bear, mama bear and baby bear crown molding). And I just bought new end tables and art work for the family room with more extensive painting and decor work to take place over Christmas.

None of these details bothered me for the previous 2+ years we’ve been in the house. In fact, since one major area – the kitchen – was in pretty poor shape, we didn’t demand much from the rest of the space either.

But the kitchen project started a domino effect. By making improvements in one area, we’ve been inspired to continue those improvements to other spots.

And that’s often how life works, isn’t it? We acclimate and adjust to what is around us. Even if it doesn’t really make us happy.

And then a change is made. Maybe it’s something small, the life equivalent of repainting a wall. Or maybe it’s major, tearing down an entire edifice in order to make room for something new.

The contrast between the old and new is startling at first, perhaps highlighting the comfortable familiarity of the old while also pointing out where it has grown shabby (or even where it has always been lacking).

Unchecked, this domino of desire can wreak havoc on bank accounts and happiness, an endless tail-chase where each new element demands it be surrounded by comparable companions.

But when approached with a balanced mind and an understanding of the limits of external change, this chain of change can be used as an opportunity to examine where you have settled and where you have intentionally chosen the elements in your life.

Whether those elements be fake fruit on a counter, a career path, a city of residence or even a person.

Sometimes making one change is exactly what we need to prompt us to make more.

As for me and my kitchen-prompted changes, I promise I’m done after tackling the paint and pictures in the family room! I hope:)