Walking the Narrow Line Between Seeking to Understand and Making Excuses

5 Responses

  1. Magnumsmom says:

    I cant get passed the OK for cheating but I have a resident who was telling me that her niece cheated with her boss who was twice her age. The ex wife and daughter came into the office one day and grabbed a hold of her chair and said something like we could ruin that pretty face of yours and threw water on her. As I was being told this I thought of the many ways I wanted to ruin the other woman. But being of sounder mind I chose not to do anything. I know this family and they are the best people, but conflict over took me, the niece was cheating and destroying a family but she was also a good person. I don’t think everything is black and white, I know I tried and it wasn’t enough, also know I am in a better place but I still think cheaters shouldnt get a pass. By the way that is an awesome show, can’t wait for second season!!

  2. Jeep says:

    Ester Perel is nuts. There is never a good reason for cheating. It isn’t edgy or enlightened. It is abuse, an insidious abuse. It is entitlement. There is always a better way to leave a marriage or relationship. Like an honest conversation. Cheating is a choice. Ester Perel revictimizes the victims. The victims were in the same marriage, yet, they didn’t choose to cheat.

    Cheaters are entitled cowards.

    Cheating takes away the victim’s agency over their own bodies (STD’s, a lot of which are incurable, therefore chronic), their financial security, the very choices they make in their own lives. Most, if not all of us, given the choice (which we were not, cause, hey, WE didn’t KNOW!) would opt out of such an arrangement. I’m sure Ester wouldn’t like it, or choose to be treated in such a manner.

    I love your posts. I just respectfully – to you – disagree with the crap Ester Perel doles out. She, and other RIC members, hurt, rather than help victims of infidelity and betrayal.

    I highly recommend you visit Chump Lady for a real understanding of cheating and cheaters.

    • Thank you for sharing your perspective. It’s always interesting to me to hear how different people respond to different messages. For me, much of Chump Lady’s material feels like it takes away my agency because it focuses on what he did. And there’s nothing I can do about that. Whereas by trying to understand the conditions that led to what he did has helped me both choose a new partner and be more aware of potential issues. It feels more productive and helpful than just pointing the finger.

      I by no means condone cheating or dismiss its impact. I know I still experience echoes of 9 years later (emotional and financial), and I expect that others feel much the same. As I said, it’s a cowardly and selfish way to act. My goal is to do what I can so that I’m never subjected to it again.

      • Jeep says:

        Hummm…that is confusing why you would think that as CL encourages all to ‘not try to untangle the skein’ of what the cheater did, rather to focus on gaining a new life free of them. Her message is to do the hard work necessary on one’s self to heal and become a better version of one’s self going forward.

        But, I respect your right to your opinion.

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