Why “How Could You Do This to Me?” Is the Wrong Question to Ask

28 Responses

  1. Louise says:

    Thank you for this post it’s one of many I have read during my own painful divorce which has/is taken forever! I love that I have proof not only that “this too shall pass” but that the best is yet to come! It is so easy to say and feel “yeah right!” I will never bounce back. I am not at the “thank you point” but can’t wait to get there.

  2. SeekingGod2 says:

    Tough read. And what you have gone through is astonishing and heartbreaking. Thanks for taking the time to use that to encourage me and others.

  3. chris1731 says:

    Funny the statement “How could you do this me?” has been a recurring theme in my head lately…Though my brain keeps modifying the statement, and I’ve been dragging this self inflicting wound around… consuming brain power!

    I hope I do get to that point where do say: “Thank you for doing this to me!”

  4. wow, thank you for the insight….well written and I will try to start saying Thank you as well…

    • Simple – yet hard- exercise to do. Write 5 or 10 ways you are better now than you were before. Recognizing that is one of the first steps towards saying thank you.

  5. Carol says:

    Thank you so much for this post. It is exactly what I needed to hear today. Your book and blog have been an amazing source of comfort and inspiration for me in the past few weeks. I am grateful for your experience and wisdom.

  6. Great post, thank you! I started coming out in hives from head to toe at the non acceptance of my divorce. I locked myself in my room with paper and pen and determination to get to the bottom of what my pain was all about and I came up with a process which turned my view around, I have never gone back to that pain since that day, not in victim mode anyway, maybe with a bit of sadness about what is, but no more inner struggle. I have taken responsibility for my own life and shifted blame and forgiven my spouse, so I am no longer bound by the torment of why me. I even landed up writing a book on my process in the hopes that I can help others to become unstuck. I do feel that the experience has taught me so much and that the lessons in these painful times are so deep and profound. If you ask the right questions you will get the right answers.

  7. Wow, it is incredible just how relevant this is to me right now. I have recently been trying to cones to terms with a betrayal and am struggling to let it go. I actually wrote about it a few days ago:

    I’m convinced I’m on a path to something better and learning valuable lessons but the pain and deceit is still difficult to accept and move on from. Thank you!

  8. excellent post. There is no way anyone could have convinced me anything good would ever come from the intense pain I was feeling 6 years ago. But I too, took the opportunity to honestly look at myself and find my true self. I have found an inner peace I never thought possible and I wouldn’t change a thing from my past because it brought me here. It was a hell of a ride getting here though! Forgiveness? for myself yes, for my ex, not so much. I don’t hate him, but forgiveness would require me to care. I am thankful that my healing brought me here.

  9. jessihd says:

    This is very powerful! I forgave my ex almost a year ago and it has been a freeing experience. Things are not perfect, he still doesn’t communicate about our kids well, but I am hopeful that one day we will be able to co-parent effectively.

    The whole time I read this is kept thinking of Adele’s new song, “Send My Love to Your New Lover”. It’s about forgivness, and wishing your ex to treat the person s/he is with better than previous lovers. It seems to go along with this post very well.

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts and insight.

  10. riri1124 says:

    Reblogged this on " I hate to see something right fall apart… " and commented:
    “And you just happened to be in their way.”
    Cold. Harsh. True.

    Lisa…you are my radar.

    Thank you.

  11. riri1124 says:

    “Music is my radar.” So songs Blur.
    Lisa is my radar. So says me.

    So much I could comment about but the part about you being surprised when your new boyfriend picked you up at the airport resonated heavily with me.

    Bob had traveled a lot and I always drove him to the airport and was there to pick him up. ( And this man was the king of delayed and cancelled flights…) I just never knew any other way. I thought that’s what people did. Actually, I didn’t even really think about it. It was just normal to me.

    The very first trip he took, I drove him to the airport, he actually had tears in his eyes. When he was growing up and also during his two marriages, which together totaled of a little more than 20 years, he told me no one ever saw him off or greeted him home from a trip. Never.

    And I know he always told me he had abandonment issues, and went into it somewhat, but maybe if he had been in therapy on a more consistent basis he could have gotten some help.
    Maybe we would still be together.

    It’s so ironic how someone with abandonment issues can abandon their children.
    How can someone who would cry to me about feeling unwanted and unloved for his whole life, spin on a dime after swearing I was his soulmate and he was the luckiest man alive, have an affair and leave?

    I know, unanswered questions. Questions without answers. Ever.

    It’s been more than three years. And I just know in my heart that I will never be able to say I am thankful for this experience.

    I am however thankful for you. xo

    • Sibyl says:

      A person who has been or felt abandoned in their past or childhood is prone to do the same to loved ones in their life because it is WHAT THEY KNOW. They are used to it, it is their comfort level. Like a person raised in a chaotic home often seeks or creates Chaos because they feel uneasy when things are quiet.

  12. Maria Martinez says:

    Really needed to hear/read this today! I agree completely with you. Thank you!

  13. Thank you. I came across this post at just the right time–when I feel like I’m finally beginning to turn the corner. I’m turning away from a focus on *her* and *her* actions, and back toward *me* and my responsibility to my two boys. This situation sucks, but I need to focus on finding my own way through it, and that’s not going to get done by being stuck on blame.

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