Just Because It Happened To You, Does Not Mean It Happened Because of You

Rejection always hurts.

From the lack of an invite to a classmate’s party to the failure of a job offer, we feel the pain of being dismissed.

And when that rejection slip comes from our partner?

Let’s just say the pain is searing. Unescapable.

fMRI results have shown that the agony of rejection follows the same neural pathways as physical pain.  It is real. And it can be devastating.

We all have an innate drive to want to be accepted. To be recognized and wanted. As social creatures, we have evolved to need the group and to fear being ostracized.

The worst feeling in the world is not to be seen and hated. It is to be invisible and discarded.

When rejection from relative strangers occurs, we often rationalize the reasons:

“I wasn’t invited to the party because she is a stuck-up snob.”

“They didn’t accept my proposal because they’re short-sighted morons.”

“He didn’t call me back because he lost my number.”

“I was passed over for the job because I am over-qualified.”

It’s easy to perform this ego-preserving mental choreography when we do not intimately know the rejector and the rejector does not fully know us. We can depersonalize the experience, shifting the reasons for the refusal to the other person while protecting our own sense of self and worth.

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But when the rejection comes from the one that knows you best?

The one that promised he or she would always be there?

The one with whom you felt safe exposing your deepest fears and greatest vulnerabilities?

It’s personal.

Continue to read the rest.

 

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26 Responses

  1. What get post thank you. I know some of these feeling well.

  2. This is a great post and very timely for me – thank you 🙂

  3. dzmy says:

    I love your blog! I read every post it’s very inspiring. This is my favourite so far. I couldn’t agree more.
    Anyone in our position should know that it is never our fault, they made their choice and they have to live with the consequences. Often they don’t want to and so they blame us and find reasons for why they did it.. as you say we will really never know why but it most certainly is not about us. I think there is something missing within them and perhaps always will be.

  4. estrella1982 says:

    I’ve spent my life, trying to be the person, whoever I was with, wanted me to be. I’ve just started to recognize this. And of course, that rejection hurt so much, when that still wasn’t good enough. But the worst came from my husband of six years. I had gotten sober, been the perfect little housewife cooking and cleaning, and I tolerated his drinking and bullshit behavior (with a lot of yelling) only to realize that while I was trying so hard to be perfect, I lost myself. I was confused, lonely, sad, and definitely couldn’t understand why I wasn’t good enough.
    I’m a perfectionist and a love addict. I need my friends, family, husband to acknowledge my awesomeness, or its like its not there.
    Over our separation, I was lucky enough to start finding myself. I did my hair and makeup how I wanted, dressed how I wanted, starting doing things that I enjoyed.
    I also have learned detatchment (through al anon) I have learned that just because he drinks or doesn’t kiss me when I need it, or would rather hang out with his friends at times, doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me. He shows his love in a different way now, after six years of pain and misery I can say I know he loves me. He just has a funny (different than me) way of showing it.
    I’d like to share my story of rejection. Unfortunately, mine led to a cocaine and heroin relapse after over two years of sobriety.
    http://estrella1982.wordpress.com/2014/10/28/story-of-my-relapse/

  5. estrella1982 says:

    And by the way, great post, i related to every word. the rejection from my husband, who I had tried so hard for so many years to “make happy,” was described perfectly within this post. Its nice to not feel so alone.

  6. I’m printing copies of this one to hand out to my clients 🙂
    Right on and very skillfully expressed! Thank you for all who will be blessed by this.

  7. Ashley says:

    Reblogged this on ashtx and commented:
    This is my struggle right now. Understanding that none of his actions were due to me. This is his failing, not mine.

  8. Robyn says:

    Lisa, it doesn’t matter what you write; it seems everything connects with me, some more than others. I have described my abandonment by my ex of 31 years as “if I were thrown away like a piece of trash”. I do know now that it was all about him and what he felt at the time. I totally agree with everything dzmy (above) wrote. He too will suffer the consequences of his choice for the rest of his life.

  9. Yes, I have suffered all those rejection feelings. Well put. Great post.

  10. Excellent post! I went through all those feelings when my ex-husband traded me in for a newer model.

  11. annieemmy says:

    I love this.

  12. Your post will help many struggling people!

  13. riri1124 says:

    Reblogged this on " I hate to see something right fall apart… " and commented:
    stilllearning2b – Thank you for this.

    “I felt like I was discarded like so much garbage. No longer able to provide utility or beauty. Lacking in key features as I was replaced with a newer model. I trusted this man, had valued his opinions for years. So when he indicated I wasn’t enough, it was easy to believe him.”

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