Confessions From a Book Voyeur

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I have a confession to make.

I am a book voyeur.

Whenever I enter a space for the first time, I immediately scan the room for bookshelves. If my eyes are lucky enough to land upon shelves laden with tomes, I find myself pulled towards the books as surely as iron to a magnet. My head soon takes on that particular tilt used to read the turned titles and my hand gently glides along the spines. As I scan the selections, I am taking in information about their owner: interests, abandoned hobbies, areas of study, preferred escapes and future dreams. The books don’t waste time on small talk; each one is there for a purpose and that is communicated through its glossy cover.

Sometimes, even if I am in mid-conversation, I start to slide the books off the shelf, one at a time, and flip through them. If one catches my eye, I will sit cross-legged on the floor next to the bookshelf and I will begin to read. I have been known not to stop until the final page is turned.

My ex-husband and I had hundreds of books between us. We each had our own nonfiction libraries. Mine was filled with math and science books, his with graphic design and rendering texts. We had a co-mingled fiction library overrun with horror and scifi. When I left, I left most of that library behind, as I no longer had the space to store so many books. In the past few years, I have accumulated a small collection again. A collection that speaks to visitors about me.

photo-153

Calculus& Trig books: I rescued some of the main books I used to use for tutoring from my old house. I haven’t tutored in the past 3 years, but it is always a fallback income. I also have a full collection of math books (algebra & geometry) in my classroom.

Mary Roach’s books: These are the only other rescues. I had just discovered her when my ex left and I couldn’t bear to part with them yet.

Nutrition and wellness texts: These were from my certification program to become a nutrition and wellness coach.

The Lucifer Principle: I picked this up in the bargain aisle at Barnes and Noble while waiting for a date.

Javascript: This was a gift from my dad as I was exploring career options post-divorce. I made it about 1/3 of the way through (doing the exercises along the way) and I fully intend to complete the program.

Shift : I love this book. I use its ideas with coaching clients all the time.

Growing Through Divorce :The only divorce themed book on my shelf, other than mine:)

Lessons From the End of a Marriage: Still feels strange to see my dream in paperback.

The Sociopath Next Door: The first reading I did that gave me something to think about regarding my ex’s mental state.

Hiking and camping books: Duh. You can’t tell me you’re surprised? 🙂

Dictionary: I usually use the one on the computer, but I sometimes like to read the real version for fun. Nerd alert #1.

Stephen Hawkins: Nerd alert #2.

Stephen King: He has been my favorite author since I was 10. I used to have the entire collection. Now, I have two real books and many more on my Kindle. I love his blend of gritty reality and fantasy.

In Search of the Warrior Spirit: This is one that Brock loaned me that ended up in my collection. All his reading centers on martial arts, survival, and training. He directs some of them my way and I’m often surprised to find how much I relate. I love how he and I learn parallel lessons through different avenues.

Dean Koontz and Six Degrees of Separation: Nope, not related except that I bought them from the same used book store on an emergency book run while on a visit to San Antonio.

Nicholas Evans – The Divide: Waaaay out of my usual genre. This was snatched from my mom’s bookshelf on that same trip. This is why I love my Kindle so much – I never have to worry about running out of books again:)

Seattle books: These were a gift from my dad when I was planning on moving to the rainy city.

The Brief Wonderous Life of Oscar Wao: This was a hand me down from a guy I briefly dated.

Mental Floss’s History of the World: I love Mental Floss’s brand of intellectual entertainment. My mom bought this for me from the Carlos Museum’s gift shop while she was in Atlanta for a visit.

During our first holiday season together, Brock grew tired of the spread of books that followed me around his house. He bought me a Kindle, expecting that small tablet would eliminate the literary clutter. Much to his dismay, for the first year or so, it was simply another book, keeping the library loans company. In time, however, I have shifted my reading habits. The library now offers Kindle loans and Amazon always has a selection of free reads. I rarely read print books anymore. This works well for me. It saves space, time, and wrist strength. I thought I would miss the tangible feel of the paper and the distinctive odor that belies the age of the pages, but I do not. What I do miss is the decreasing ability to scan bookshelves. I have no shame in handling the books of a near-stranger, but I would never dream of pursuing the menu of someone’s e-reader of choice. Our choice of books has become more private even as we increasingly live our lives openly online.

Consider yourself warned. If I ever find myself invited into your space, your medicine cabinet is safe. You can trust me with your wallet or your kids. But you might need to watch me around your books:) After all, it’s only fair. I showed you mine.

Spreadsheets Can be Useful Dating Tools

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Online dating has been in the news lately, as people realize it is not a panacea for modern dating woes.

I found myself suddenly catapulted into the world of dating after a 16 year relationship.  The last time I had dated, I was dating boys.  Now, I would be dating men.

initially, the prospect of dating was interesting, but not appetizing.  I would wonder what it would be like to kiss another man, but the actual kissing (not to mention the “getting to know you” stuff that usually precedes it) had no interest for me.  None.  Until the day a guy from the gym asked me out.  It was though a veil had lifted.  All of a sudden, I was surrounded by and hyper-aware of men.  I was a kid in a candy store.  A dog at the dog park.  A moth trapped behind glass.  It was overwhelming.  It was exciting.  It was exactly what I needed.

After a few dates with a couple guys from the gym, I realized two things: I was ready to start dating, at least at a casual level, and the gym was simply not a large enough sample for me to choose from (especially because my gym-vibe cultivates platonic male friendships, which I do not want to change).

Image representing Match as depicted in CrunchBase
Image via CrunchBase

So, I turned to Match, posting the following profile.

I am a compilation of contradictions. I am the petite woman in pink lifting heavy weight at the gym. I love to go to action movies in heels and listen to classical music while on a run. I am an award winning math teacher who almost failed algebra II. I am a natural introvert who loves to be around friends. I appear to be reserved, yet I am actually quite open with my feelings. I abhor conventions; I choose to celebrate what makes me unique.

I am an intense person. I have strong opinions that I am not afraid to share. I make quick decisions and always know what my goals are. I am generally a thinker, analyzing everything around me.

I am a naturally curious person; I love to gain new knowledge. I love new experiences. I enjoy being with people who can teach me something new.

I love to travel, although circumstances have kept me close to home. I hope to remedy that soon.

I believe that you can tell quite a bit about a person by their habits. One of my habits is perusing a selection of websites to catch up on the news, the latest research, and the latest fun. I visit the following sites daily: CNN, The Weather Channel, Mental Floss, New York Times (especially the science and health sections), and Slate Magazine.

I value honesty, intelligence, and wit. I am looking to find someone to talk with, laugh with, and with whom to share experiences. Let’s meet for coffee and see if we’re a match.

The profile was completed with pictures my stepfather took of my during a Christmas visit.  He and my mom got a laugh that they were responsible for the pictures used to find me a date.

I soon realized that I would need a way to manage the influx of emails.  Being a geek and possessing an analytical mind, I of course created a metric and a spreadsheet to organize my experiences. In retrospect, I think I wanted the sheet and the evaluation system to be a guarantee, insurance that this guy was different than my husband.  That this guy was honest.

The sheet filled quickly, as I went on dates daily (sometimes even doubling up on weekends).  I was following my stepbrother’s advice, not wasting time time on much email or phone contact, and getting straight to the first meeting.  The spreadsheet idea was abandoned after the first few weeks (I found I could remember and keep them straight better than I anticipated).  It served its purpose; however, it helped to take me out of the impulsive shopping mode that online dating can trigger and it also taught me that I could trust myself.  The spreadsheet was a useful tool, but it was only a tool, a security blanket.  I didn’t need it to tell me who to date; I could use my intuition.  Trust my gut.

I went into the whole experience just looking to learn more about myself, men, and the dating world.  I was planning on moving across the country within 6 months, so I was not looking for anything serious.  I viewed each contact as a lesson; what can I learn from this person?  In that way, no date was a bad one, as there was always something to learn. I think this relaxed attitude led to my success with the system more than anything else.  I went into Match and into each date with no expectations.

I spent 3 months on Match.  In those 3 months, I became legally divorced, progressed through my healing process, decided not to move across the country, and met my current partner of 2 years.  Just like the spreadsheet, online dating was a tool, but I still needed to now how to use it.