What You Were Looking For in 2014

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Every January, I enjoy looking back at some of the search terms that lead to my blog. Some are obvious (“marriage ended”) and some make me question humanity (“how do I get away with bigamy?”), but many simply make me chuckle. Here’s a collection of some of the funnier search terms from this past year along with the link to the piece they found:

“Bon Jovi stalker” I never quite reached stalker status, but I did secure a rubbing from his name carved into the Alamo.

“Happy birthday to my car” Apparently lots of people like to wish their cars happy birthday. Mine will celebrate its sweet 16 this year. Maybe then it can drive itself:)

“My wife is lame” Do you mean she has a limp?

“I’m a lame duck husband” Maybe you should meet the woman referenced above.

“Heart beans”  What does this mean? Will somebody please tell me????

“I am an introvert that wants to be real assassin” And apparently a real felon too. I’m not sure how much introversion has to do with wanting to take people out.

“The end!!!!!!!!”  Lots of people find me by looking for information about endings. No one else has been this excited though.

“The grass is always greener on the other side except over the sceptic tank meaning in marriage” Ummm…. No comment.

“Commit bigamy” Why do I read this as though it is a command?

“Spilled coffee in my Acura navi buttons” And then you ended up wasting valuable clean-up time reading about divorce. I’m sorry.

“Clean up Aisle 21!” Somehow I think this was meant to be read into a microphone rather than typed into the computer.

“Shaved monkey” Very carefully. They bite.

“Gerard Poujardieu” Yeah. I miss him too.

“What is the soulmate switch?” No idea. If you find out, please let me know.

“Eau de Sasquatch” Eau all right. I hope this wasn’t a gift for somebody.

“A bone to chew with you” Why do I feel like I need to apologize?

“Chutes and Ladders for financial advice” Generally I would recommend a financial advisor rather than Hasbro, but to each his own.

“All terrain pug” It makes me smile to think there could be another one out there.

Want to read my advice to the great searchers of 2013? You can!

How to Air Your Dirty Laundry

Posted on by stilllearning2b
I often receive messages from people who are contemplating starting a blog documenting their own divorce journey. They are usually nervous about discussing such personal detail in a public forum (me too!). And they have questions for me. Sometimes really good concerns, like the ones below.
Here’s my advice for those contemplating a divorce blog. I’m no expert. I screw things up a lot. But I do have several years experience now sharing my personal life with others (Why I Write).
Frankly, I’m kinda nervous to go through my writings and remember things I’m happy to have forgotten.
Yeah, it sucks. I cried a ton while writing the book and I’m still known to cry while writing (or even re-reading) certain blog posts. But it’s cleansing. The writing helps the processing and the repetition helps lessen the sting. We often want to hide from the pain, to pretend we are healed before we really are. If you read it and it still bothers you, you’re still holding on to the pain. The only way to truly heal is to go through it.
I’m nervous about looking pathetic and/or vengeful and/or vindictive
Some people will always read you that way. You should see some of my HuffPost hate mail. I finally realized that it’s their own garbage talking. But most people reading you will be going through their own divorce and they’ll get it. Trust me, we’ve all had some pretty powerful revenge fantasies. Don’t slander but also don’t be afraid to speak the truth of your emotions.
Over-sharing (maybe somewhat related to the above). there are things that divorced people fantasize that I assume would horrify the general public.
Create your own boundaries and stick to them. For example, I’ll share anything about my ex/former marriage (except his identity – read why) but I’m much more careful with my current marriage; much of that is off the table. As for the content, I’m not afraid to speak the brutal, harsh truth. It’s reality sometimes. An important note here – if your divorce is not final, most attorneys will tell you not to share publicly.
Something about letting sleeping dogs lie
I thought about that one myself once I entered into a stable relationship and had done most of the healing. However, I realized that it’s important for those of who have made it through and are willing to share our stories: beginning, middle and hopefully not-the-end.
The possibility that repercussions could involve her posting her own commentary that escalates things in a public forum.
It’s a risk. I don’t worry about that since mine has a felony warrant – it makes a nice “gag order” 🙂 Always assume that anything you write online (even if posted anonymously) can (and most likely will) be found by your ex and his/her family. If you have kids, they may see it too. Keep that in mind.
Since my documentation is almost exclusively emails to various people or gchats or text message, it is very personal and colored with visceral anguish. i wouldn’t know how to turn these into something along the lines of a palatable blog.
Just write. It’ll shape itself over time as you find your voice.
However, going with a “just the facts ma’am” approach, i’d fear being too cut-and-dried/black and white/matter-of-fact/sterile, and where is the catharsis in that? 
People respond more to emotion. Let your fingers be a conduit for your feelings.
Getting my facts messed up (he-said-she-said, second-hand communication, etc.)
Don’t worry about it. All memory is fallible.
Writing is one of the most effective strategies for dealing with divorce and loss. Sharing your story add another dimension: dialog with others, the sense of being part of a community and an opportunity to help people in a similar situation. However, sharing is not without risk. Make sure you plan ahead before you hang your dirty laundry out to dry on the internets.

–

 

 

Speechless

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We arrived home last night this morning just after midnight after a weeklong Alaskan cruise and a Seattle stay over. We had been gone so long, the cat hid under the couch until she decided/remembered that we are effective feeding and cuddling organisms. Today is a day of tackling the emails and work tasks that lack of connectivity forced us to ignore as well as chipping away at the seemingly ever-expanding load of laundry piled high on the dining room floor (dressing in layers translates to LOTS of laundry loads!). Our jet lagged bodies seem to keep finding the bed for impromptu naps, Tiger often joining in, exhausted from playing with his buddies at the vet. Our muddled brains struggle to form coherent thoughts as our circadian rhythms straddle both coasts.

It feels great to be home. To be reunited with our animals and our routines.

Already, the sights and smells of Alaska feel like a dream. Too big to be real.

But it is. And those are memories that we will carry. Images that can be triggered by words or pictures, but never truly captured – the jade green of the water darkening into endless chasms, the soaring heights of the jagged cliffs, clouds dancing across their fronts like some teasing burlesque dance and the power of nature in its rawest forms.

I have yet to transfer the pictures from the camera or from my husband’s iPhone, but here are a few from my phone:

So much of Alaska reminded me of a Bob Ross painting. Look at all the happy trees!
So much of Alaska reminded me of a Bob Ross painting. Look at all the happy trees!
This was from a hike around the Mendenhall Glacier outside Juneau and there's a story to tell about that day!
This was from a hike around the Mendenhall Glacier outside Juneau and there’s a story to tell about that day!
The temperature seemed to always be 59 degrees. But that could mean shorts or winter coat!
The temperature seemed to always be 59 degrees. But that could mean shorts or winter coat!
We drove a small Zodiac boat in Ketchikan. A bald eagle snatched a fish out of the water just feet in front of us!
We drove a small Zodiac boat in Ketchikan. A bald eagle snatched a fish out of the water just feet in front of us!
One of the coolest moments of my life - Tracy Arm Fjord and glacier from the hot tub!
One of the coolest moments of my life – Tracy Arm Fjord and glacier from the hot tub!
We were extremely lucky and never had rain, although it was almost always cloudy.
We were extremely lucky and never had rain, although it was almost always cloudy.
It's pretty amazing how close these ships can get to the water's edge!
It’s pretty amazing how close these ships can get to the water’s edge!
I REALLY wanted to see moose in Haines. This was the closest I got!
I REALLY wanted to see moose in Haines. This was the closest I got!
We tried to see a sunset every night to no avail (I think it's a myth that the sun sets in Alaska in summer). We finally succeeded near Victoria BC!
We tried to see a sunset every night to no avail (I think it’s a myth that the sun sets in Alaska in summer). We finally succeeded near Victoria BC! Cool detail – that’s the moon just above and to the left of the sun:)

 

I want to extend a thank you to all my guest posters and readers for taking care of the place while I was gone. I’ll try to catch up on comments and messages in the next couple days. After a nap.

Guest Posters Wanted

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I’m stealing this idea from Matt over at Must Be This Tall to Ride. He has lots of good ideas. And this is one of them.

I’m going to be away from my computer for a week or so next month. Instead of trying to write posts ahead of time while writing them for now (yikes!) or recycling my old stuff (yawn…) or letting the site go dark for several days (scary!!!!), I’m looking for guest posts to feature.

Lots of you are writing some great stuff about topics that relate to my site and from a different perspective than I have (like those of you with kids – tip of the hat to those who tackle parenting).

Please, please, please write something for me!?!

shrek_cat-wallpaper

Here are the specifics:

-Posts can be any length, but I would prefer that the content be original (not already published on your blog).

-The topic is up to you; however, I won’t publish something that is simply ex-bashing with no greater purpose (although I commiserate!)

-Please proofread before you send; I’m the world’s worst at picking up (and making!) typos.

-Include any pictures that you want with your post, a short bio and links to your site and any other social media you use.

-For those of you that blog anonymously, that’s no problem. Just craft your bio how you want:)

-email your submission to lessonsfromendofmarriage@gmail.com by July 2 (procrastinators – that’s a hard deadline!!).

-If I like it and think it’s a good fit, I’ll set it to publish on my site with links on all of my social media and I’ll let you know the date that it will go live.

Thanks in advance and I look forward to seeing some great work!

Lisa

The Person Behind the Story

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Today I had the honor of meeting one of the bloggers whose work I admire.

I was able to put a face with a name.

A voice with the words.

A person with the story.

It’s strange meeting a blogging buddy for the first time. In some ways, you know their most intimate tales. Yet, in other ways, they are complete strangers as you may not know basic facts. It’s like a blind date after reading someone’s diary, flipping through his/her photo albums and having lunch with his/her mom.

I’ve known this woman through her writing for the last year and a half. But her blog doesn’t reveal how her face lights up when she hears a child’s laughter. Her writing doesn’t tell you about the determination and resolve that enters her voice when she speaks of her struggles. Her writing speaks of healing, but her spirit shows it.

We spoke of many things, not the least of which was how blogging has become a part of our lives. The online community part of our circle. It is amazing how writing and sharing allows so many voices to be heard and lets so many more know that they are not alone. We write of universal experiences and truths told through our own experiences. And the sum is certainly greater than the parts.

It’s always a little strange (and scary) tearing down that curtain between my public life and my private. But today, I’m glad I did. I not only have more respect for her and her work than I did before, I hope I also have a new friend (Tiger seconds that!).