Yeah, I’m being snarky. It’s what happens after two weeks of little sleep, constant ear ringing and endless nose-blowing. With allergy season and fickle spring weather, I know I’m not alone is this misery. And I figure, if we gotta suffer, we might as well get a chuckle out of it:)
Here’s to clear noses and clear skies!
I believe the main goal of marriage is to stay happily married. Sounds pretty simple, doesn’t it? Unfortunately, sometimes it just doesn’t work out that way.
If you feel your marriage is having problems, do something to fix it! Address the problems and don’t just hope those things will just “go away” or “get better” with time. The fix could be as simple as bringing up whatever problems you’re having with your partner. Try to keep the lines of communication open as much as possible. Little problems can fester and turn into big ones mighty quick. Don’t be afraid to suggest going to a marriage counselor. This does not mean your marriage is on life support, but you want to fix what might be wrong. I know most of this is not macho. But if you take the macho route, you might be macho all by yourself and paying a big price for it.
Show your spouse with actions, not just tell your spouse how much they mean to you. It’s amazing how good you feel when your partner actually listens to you. Isn’t it nice when they tell you about their day at work or something that is important to them. Whatever they are talking about may not be important to you, but if it’s important to your spouse, it should become important to you as well. Show compassion and empathy when appropriate and it will be reciprocated when the time comes. You are the person they should be able to lean on.
Hey guys, try surprising your wife with a meal you prepared ready by the time she gets home from work. Or better yet, take care of the laundry and clean the house before she gets home from work. All this and a nice foot rub are powerful foreplay tools. You may truly unlock the inner vixen in your mate.
Your wife should be your girlfriend, and your husband should be your boyfriend. I’m a big advocate of date nights. You have to have some time with just your spouse alone. This means getting dressed up a bit and look good for your partner. That means you gals should get out of your sweats and put as much effort into dressing up, hair and makeup for your husband, as you do for the occasional night out with the girls. Guys, yes you should take a shower and shave before your night out. Put on something other than your favorite jersey or flannel shirt. Just think back to when you were working hard to impress each other when you started dating. You should still be trying to impress and attract your partner. This also means it is time for the two of you to get out of the house for your dates.
Speaking of trying to attract your mate, I don’t understand why I see so many women in the gym trying to lose weight and look good when they are newly divorced or going through a divorce. Perhaps this is something you should have been doing all along. The same goes for you guys. I see guys that I have never seen before in the gym and after talking to them, they tell me they are trying to get “back into shape” because they will soon be or are back on the market. Sorry guys, but bowling, golf and softball just are not exercise. They and other “sports” are excuses to drink beer with the guys and be away from home. I’m a big believer in exercise, and it’s obvious benefits to your mental and physical health. The two of you don’t have to look like cover models for fashion magazines, but you shouldn’t give up and stop trying to look good for your spouse! A gym membership is much cheaper than a divorce.
Get yourself a pool of reliable babysitters you trust and use them. I know it is tough with careers, kids in sports and all their activities. There could also be special circumstances such as elderly parents or special need children. You have to make the effort for everybody’s sake.
Let’s talk about sex. Contrary to some negative perceptions from some organized religion, sex is a good thing. There’s been an overabundance of studies on the subject and I believe most of the “experts” say it is good for you physically as well as emotionally. I can’t think of something that connects two married people more than sex. The act produces all kinds of good chemical reactions and gives you both an incredible feeling of intimacy and closeness that a marriage needs. If you’re having sex with your spouse on a regular basis, how can you stay mad at him/her for not doing the dishes and other silly arguments that may pop up? I defy you to even think of the dirty dishes after had a mind-blowing session between the sheets. Sex is the glue that keeps you together!
I have heard that woman need to feel loved to have sex and men need sex to feel loved. I’m sure there are exceptions to that rule, but for the most part, I think it’s spot on. So guys and gals do your best to keep those love vibes going and get naked! It’s a win-win situation when you and your spouse are making love on a regular basis. (To each other of course)
There is a variety of reasons people get divorced. Many times it’s a combination of things; poor communication, unfaithfulness, tragedy, Illness or accident, or you just plain grow apart. When you split up with your spouse, this is a good time to reflect on what you think went wrong. This would be a good time to take an inventory of what you think you may have done to contribute to the ultimate demise of your marriage. Please don’t wallow in this. Just try not to make the same mistakes twice. This would be a good time to work on the things you believe you need to improve on and perhaps time to get rid of the things that may have contributed to the riffs in your relationship. A good therapist might be a good idea to help you sort all this out.
I’m not talking about abuse. If you’re in an abusive situation, get the hell out and take your kids with you. Your safety and your children’s safety is paramount. This also holds true if your spouse if an addict; drugs or alcohol.
Most folks blame the other person for their marriages going south. Some of the time the blame rests square on one person’s shoulders, but most of the time it is a team effort. Remember getting divorced is closing one door and opening another one. Walk through that open door with your chin up with the confidence that you will try not to make the same mistakes twice.
By L.J. Burke, author of DIVORCED DAD: Kids are Forever, Wives are Not.
Spring is finally here in the south. The flowers are blooming (yea!) and the pollen is coating (yuck!). Highs in the 80s are followed by frost warnings as a reminder that no transition is ever smooth.
The following articles have graced my feed recently and they all worthy of reading and sharing. Enjoy!
How Divorce Exacerbates the Retirement Process
This is a sobering account of the impact that divorce (especially later in life) has on retirement (especially for women). It makes me very grateful that I had my own pension and makes me very sad for people who weren’t as fortunate. Check it out here.
Divorce Is a Good Thing
Okay, so I can’t say that I see divorce as a good thing. But sometimes it is a necessary thing, the best answer to a tough situation. This piece addresses the increasing stigma and judgment about divorce and how that shaming only serves to hurt those who are already hurt. Read it here.
Are You Falling For the Same Type of Mate You Gladly Left Behind?
It’s easier than you think. This article, written by an attorney, presents five warning signs that your selection process may be setting you up for another divorce. Read it with an open mind. You may be surprised at what you’re unintentionally drawn towards. See the five danger signs here.
How to Be Happy: 5 Secrets Backed By Research
Because, after all, isn’t happiness what we all want? 🙂 See how to get it here.
And this is how it’s done.
Baby steps. Take them. Acknowledge them. Celebrate them.
That’s how moving on happens. One. Step. At. A. Time.
Can I just hibernate until November? Pretty please?
I reached election fatigue several months ago and it’s only getting worse with the ever-present coverage and the ever-increasing contemptible behavior from the politicians, the media and even the general public.
I miss my educational and informative talk radio during my drives; it has morphed into a never-ending episode of Jerry Springer, only the guests are fighting over power instead of girlfriends. Thank goodness for audiobooks and Pandora. So far they’re untouched.
My Facebook feed looks like the politicians are trying to battle it out via memes, as though the one with the most superimposed quotes will capture the flag of the presidency. I wish I could install some sort of political filter on my social media so that I can still have friends come next year.
I’m tired of trying to explain to my students that mentions of penis size and potential federal indictments are not usually part of a presidential campaign. And that politics is supposed to be about governance, not entertainment. Yes, this is reality TV. But it’s reality TV that’s way more important than your favorite contestant being voted off the island.
And here’s the crazy thing – even though I have absolutely no experience in politics (and nor do I ever intend to), this election is bringing back some unpleasant deja vu for me. Not of an election. But of a dirty divorce.
Looking back, I can see that I made many irrational decisions during my divorce. And that’s because I wasn’t thinking rationally. I was hurt and wanted to shovel some of that hurt on him. I was in shock and busy reacting instead of pressing pause and planning. But mostly, I was scared. Scared of what the unknown future would hold. And so I was grasping onto anything I could that gave me a sense of control over my life. With the gift of hindsight, there are some things I would have done differently. But I wouldn’t have been able to hear that advice then because I was too flooded with emotion to be able to reason.
This election is much the same. People are appearing to lose their minds. And that’s because rational thought has been displaced with emotion. People are frightened about what is around the corner for our country and they want to hold on to any sense of control that they can find. Much like facing a malignant ex in court, watching your anti-candidate debate fills you with disgust and aversion. If you have a beloved candidate, that person fills you with hope and promise, much like the first flame after a brutal break-up.
And the politicians and the media know this. They play on the emotions, knowing that emotions drive views, clicks and follow throughs. Just like the lawyers are the ones to benefit from an ugly divorce, the media is cashing in on this election. We’re being played.
In family court, the story of the marriage and its demise is presented in absolutes – “I was the perfect spouse. He/she did everything wrong.” Nuance is wiped away in favor of decisive judgments. A lifetime of interactions and emotions and needs are distilled down into sparse sentences and quantified into legally-binding calculations.
This over-simplification is occurring as well in the political arena. Complex health plans are relayed in a single paragraph. A soundbite captures the intentions for illegal immigrants. These absolutes are easy to understand and easy to repeat. Yet they ignore the muddied gray area that really exists.
There is a place for stripping something down to its bare bones in order to see the inherent components and structure. But never get complacent that the skeleton is all there is. People and life are more complex than that.
I was a boxer defending my title in the ring of my divorce. I was determined to win, even though I wasn’t exactly sure what winning even looked like. I just knew that I needed to be the victor. At any cost.
When I sat in court across the aisle from my soon-to-be-ex, I remember looking at this stranger and wondering how we could have gone from planning for retirement together to him trying to wrestle my retirement from me. We had completely lost sight of our once-shared goals.
When watching the current presidential contenders on the battlefield, it’s almost impossible to believe that they all (supposedly) share the common goal of guiding this country and its inhabitants towards a better future. They have become so consumed with obtaining the title (and wounding their opponents), that they seem to have forgotten what the purpose of the role even is.
As a pathological rule-follower, I was mortified when I first saw the lies from my husband recorded on his discovery documents. “How could he sink so low? How can he lie on legal documents?” I asked my attorney. She was unfazed. In a dirty divorce, dirty fighting is the norm. People will lie, use others as pawns and even escalate situations in an attempt to dominate the process.
The jokes about dirty politicians are endless. And not just the ones currently in the running. When you value winning at all costs, the costs are often high. And when you get so caught up in your campaign, it’s easy to lose sight of the truth.
Many dirty divorces become an alternating he-said, she-said where one allegation is countered with another and the blame is passed back and forth. I know. I played that game too. And the harsh truth I eventually had to accept was that by focusing on blaming him, I was also giving him the power to decide when and if I was going to move on.
Blame is a distraction. A misdirection.
And it’s no different in this election. The GOP blames Obama for its troubles. The democrats blame the republicans for poverty. They all blame each other for the increase in political tensions. Fault is assigned. Fingers are pointed.
And it keeps the attention away from the candidate-in-question.
I certainly felt victimized by my ex husband and by my divorce. And I could have easily stayed there. As a society, we have gone from empathizing for victims to enabling victims. We issue trigger warnings and excuse poor choices all in the name of trying to keep victims comfortable. We seek to penalize bullies while ignoring what we can do to empower their targets. And when we nurture victims, we cultivate victims. The victim of a dirty divorce can end up being trapped by their position, giving up responsibility along with any power of their own well-being.
Politicians like victims. Because victims need somebody to rescue them. And they are wanting to be selected as your knight (or knightess?) in shining armor. Victims are perceived as weak, needing guidance and protection. And just like some people are drawn to dating victims because it makes them feel needed, some politicians are pulled towards being the savior of the injured parties.
I felt relieved when I saw the ink on the decree. I was going to be reimbursed for some of my expenses. He would take on the house and I wouldn’t have to absorb a foreclosure. Apparently, he was only making those promises because he knew what the judge wanted to hear. Because as soon as court was adjourned, so were his promises. Trust becomes as extinct as the dodo.
The politicians are well-versed in saying what we want to hear. They make promises that they have no intention of keeping, knowing that we have no real way to enforce their follow through once they have taken oath.
Throughout my divorce and its aftermath, I finally learned to take every promise with a saltshaker. I have the same position with this election. I’ll believe when I see it, and not a moment sooner.
And this is the unfortunate part. Every dirty divorce has collateral damage. Others, frequently children, caught in the crossfire. When the focus is on winning at any cost, that debt often falls to others to pay.
I’m feeling the same way watching this election, like a kid between bickering parents, pleading with to stop yelling and just talk. The politicians and the parties are pitting us against each other like children against a parent in court. And when that happens, everyone loses.
Okay, political rant over. I’m going to put my earplugs back in now, keep my head down until this is all over and cross my fingers that this country does a better job electing the next president than I did with selecting my first husband.
Oh, and if you know a way to scrub all political news from all my feeds, please let me know:)
Lessons From the End of a Marriage 