Reaching a Milestone

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Ten years ago today, I awoke excited for the day and for my life. By the time the sun set that night, life as I knew it was gone. 

Those “turn-on-a-dime” moments become so significant after they occur, cleaving our lives into “before” and “after” and leaving us permanently changed. That single day or single moment carries the weight of an entire era, as though that terrible thing didn’t exist prior to that moment of discovery.

At first, that day is heavy. A dreaded anniversary that marks the end of innocence and the beginning of grief. As it approaches, it pulls the memories along with it, threatening to overwhelm once again.

During my first few travels through July 11 after that terrible day, I again inhabited my body on the floor after receiving the text that changed everything. Sharp pains would travel along my ribs, tracing the lines where the wracking sobs violently tore tender muscle. I felt that sudden emptiness, like an unexpected drop on some horrifying carnival ride. Fear would again twist my gut, resolutely wringing out any sense of hope.

That day was a wormhole, providing a direct connection between past and present.

Over time, as the “after” begins to grow, that moment slowly loses some of its weight as the memories gain to lose their tenacious grip. It’s a day of significance but no longer a day to fear or dread.

And then eventually, that day becomes one of celebration. Not for what was lost, but for what has been overcome. It becomes a day that marks progress.

And that’s where I am today, ten years from the day that changed everything. I remember that broken woman keening on the cold, hard floor, but I no longer am that woman. Instead, I am the woman that learned to walk again and stubbornly built a new life from those ruins.

Putting the Lessons Into Play

Posted on by stilllearning2b

My husband discussed some hard stuff with me the other day. I’m proud of him for his self-awareness and courage and I’m also proud of me. Because my response, both in moment and in the days after, truly reveals how much I’ve grown since my first marriage.

 

I didn’t overreact, so I could be a safe place for him.

In my first marriage, I would have overreacted to something similar. I would have instantly gone to defcon 1 with my fears leading the charge. And my reaction would have been the furthest thing from a safe space. In fact, it would have announced, “I can’t handle this, so you need to protect me from it.” Ugh.

A few years ago, my insides probably would have thrown a panic party while I worked to maintain a calm exterior. An improvement, for sure, but still not ideal.

But now? I not only responded in a calm manner. I felt calm. I didn’t try to catastrophize or worry about what could, maybe, possibly happen. I just listened. Instead of being in my own fear, I could be with him.

 

I feel more compassion instead of a need for perfection.

In my first marriage, I was afraid of any potential blemishes. They were threatening, something to be feared. And so I felt a sense of disgust at any sign of imperfection in myself and in my first husband. Of course, since neither one of us could uphold this charge, there was a constant low-lying tension between my expectations and reality.

It’s different now. Which is especially good since my now-husband and I have officially reached the age of mammograms and colonoscopies. It’s hard to maintain that veneer of perfection when a nurse half your age is squishing your boobs against a metal plate.

I have so much more tolerance – and compassion – for the struggles that we all have. I no longer see the struggle as a sign of weakness and I enthusiastically celebrate the courage and discipline evident in those that don’t shy away from their particular battles.

 

My boundaries are both more forgiving and more robust.

Before, I expected perfection but would put up with a lot as long as I didn’t have to look too closely.

Now, my boundaries are set further back. They allow for mistakes and the opportunity to  be human and messy. But at the same time, they are less tolerant of bullshit and will no longer be consoled with pleasing words that are spoken in place of action.

 

I have confirmation that I chose MUCH better this time around.

We are not defined by how we handle the easy times. Instead, character is truly revealed in how someone handles the hard stuff.

My first husband’s response to struggle was to hide, lie and act out of shame. After experiencing the brutal conclusion of that approach, I intentionally sought out someone with courage who’s default setting is in revealing rather than concealing.

 

Yet again, I’m filled with gratitude for what I endured ten years ago. It may have been a conflagration, but it was one that prepared me for the growth that needed to happen.

 

I’m Being a Bratty McBrattyPants

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I’m being a brat.

I feel it. I know it. But I can’t seem to stop it.

It all started when my husband asked a favor of me the other day.

“I would like for you to do something for me. Commit to trying ten jiu jitsu classes. Only ten. If you try it and hate it, I’ll never mention it again. I’ll make you don’t get hurt and that you’re taken care of. Ten classes is enough for you to get some basic self defense skills that you’ll retain. Also, I want you to see why jiu jitsu is something that I love so much.”

Although I remained calm on the outside, inside I was kicking and screaming, “I don’t want to!” My reaction was strong. Stronger than my rational brain said it needed to be. After all, we’re talking about a commitment of about twenty hours, done according to my schedule and even though I’ve never really participated in martial arts, I’m comfortable with physical endeavors.

So why am I reacting so strongly?

I’ve spent the last couple days teasing apart the layers.

One of my first mental excuses had to do with time. In order to take a BJJ class on a weekend (all that will realistically fit into my schedule), I’ll have to skip a yoga class, shuffle grading papers to another time or give up a date with a friend. I found myself resenting my husband’s schedule, which allows for training (or lunch with friends) during the week and the fact that I do the weekly shopping and laundry opens up his weekends more so than mine.

But that’s not really the issue. I mean, I can resent his freedoms all I want, but it’s me that has been choosing to spend much of my ever-precious summer sitting at my computer more than sitting by the pool. It’s my fault that I get a “A” in adulting while I’m barely scraping by with a “C” in fun-having. And it’s my responsibility to speak up and directly and clearly ask for help when I need it instead of drowning while insisting that I am okay.

All of my drive comes from fear.  Fear of being broke again. Fear of not being able to get things done before a deadline (even a self-imposed one). Fear of being seen as lazy or a taker. Fear of being abandoned again.

Fear of not being enough.

And this jiu jitsu thing has triggered that fear.

Not because I’m scared of the mat. But because I’m scared that if I add one more thing, I’ll lose it. I’ve been so close to breaking down this past school year, I’m afraid to push too hard, fearing fracture.

But this overwhelm has been lying to me. It loves to tell me about the lack of time, the dearth of emotional energy. Yet there is more space than I give myself credit for.

And maybe, trying something new – and learning that I can make the space for it – is exactly what I need.

 

6 Ways to Reaffirm Yourself That Don’t Involve Dating

Posted on by stilllearning2b

There are the good reasons to reenter the dating scene after divorce – you’re happy with your life and you’re looking for someone to share it with, you’ve gained wisdom from healing and you’re ready to put those lessons into action, after reflection and hard work you’re better in touch with want you want out of a relationship.

And there are the reasons that many of us begin dating again – we’re looking for distraction from the pain, our self-esteem has taken a beating and we’re seeking validation and finally a fear of being alone with our thoughts is prompting us to remain busy with others.

Sound familiar?

I know it does for me. As much as I tried to convince myself that I was dating for purely noble and mature reasons, the truth was actually much more cliched. I wanted to feel wanted, desired. Spending the evening with the man de jour was significantly more fun than spending that same time processing my grief in my journal.  And finally, as long as I had another date to look forward to on the calendar, I didn’t have to consider the very scary possibility that I would be alone forever.

And dating DID make me feel better. At least in the moment. Through the eyes of the men I met, I slowly began to reform the image I had of myself. I was able to begin to see my strengths again, instead of just my brokenness. I began to feel alive again. Hopeful, even, for the future that stretched out in front of me.

But dating is by no means the only – or even best – way to reach those milestones. In fact, here are six ways to reaffirm yourself that DON’T require dating:

 

1 – Travel Somewhere Alone

Travel is amazing. Solo travel is life-changing.

Traveling alone provides you with opportunities to get out of your head and ditch your typical life-script. Travel forces you out of your comfort zone and requires that you look at the world – and yourself – in a new light.

This doesn’t have to be any time-consuming or wallet-draining adventure. Even a day trip to a nearby and unfamiliar town can be enough to shake up your expectations and help you find what makes your soul sing.

 

2 – Invest in Your Appearance

With the depressed mood that frequently follows divorce, it’s easy to let the appearance slide. And we often don’t even think about addressing it again until there is someone that we’re hoping to impress.

But why wait? You don’t need a romantic interest within sight in order to pay attention to what makes you feel attractive. Why not dress to impress yourself?

 

3 – Focus on Learning a New Skill or Topic

We’re often our own worst enemy after divorce. We take up residence within our own heads and beat ourselves up for not being healed already. So why not turn that focus outward?

We’re often gentler with ourselves in the process of learning something new; we accept the process and the mistakes along the way. It can be a good reminder that we can be kind to ourselves even while we are working towards a challenging goal. As a bonus, as you begin to master the new skill or topic, you gain confidence and broaden your sense of your potential.

 

4 – Join a Team or a Club

You were a team – you and your spouse. And so it feels strange and alienating to now be a solo operator. Why not find a new team that you can play a vital role in? It can be anything from a weekly trivia meetup to a monthly kickball game through your work.

After divorce, it’s easy to feel as though you no longer matter. A team is a concrete way to remind yourself that you are needed and appreciated both for what you can offer and for who you are. After all, it feels really good to hear, “We missed you last week.”

 

5 – Share Your Expertise

You may be a newbie when it comes to this whole divorce thing, but you’re an expert at something. If you’re not sharing your wisdom already, look for opportunities to become a teacher in your areas of expertise.

When we teach, we are planting a part of ourselves in another and nurturing that seed until it grows. There is little in this world that is more life-affirming than watching knowledge spread and grow.

 

6 – Participate in a Support Group

Part of the challenge in divorce recovery is the fear that we’re somehow doing it wrong. That we’re progressing too slowly or not responding in the right ways. And if you’re isolated in your healing, it can be easy to believe those assertions as they remain unchallenged.

A support group – either in-person or virtual – provides you with the opportunity to witness the immense variety in the recovery paths taken by others and also gain a sense of the commonalities that unite us all. Furthermore, when we give space to honor our pain, it no longer fights for supremacy in the rest of our lives.

Independence

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I made it back to the U.S. right around midnight on July 4 after an amazing trip to the Baltics. I managed to rally for a bit yesterday, just long enough to get some laundry done and unpack the bags, before I crashed around 4:00 pm and slept through all of the fireworks and celebrations. Oops. I guess the trip – and travel – wore me out more than I realized.

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A typical street view.
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The widest waterfall in Europe.
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Old Town Vilnius, Lithuania

The cities were absolutely beautiful. The structures ranged in age from medieval to modern, with a persistent sense of stepping into a history book. I quickly gave up on not looking like a tourist and walked around with my mouth gaping open as I took in all of the sights.

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The Baltic Sea.
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Cesis Castle, originally built 800 years ago.
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Two perspectives of a piece from a 3D art exhibit on a trail in Riga.

 

But as often happens when I travel, I was even more taken with the people than with the physical beauty of the place. The three Baltic states first declared their independence after World War I. Soon after, they were faced the first Soviet occupation, where their religious and cultural freedoms were threatened. The Soviets only left when the Nazis moved in, destroying the large Jewish population of the area. After World War II, the Soviets again occupied the region until 1991, when independence was again achieved.

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An elevator in the former KGB prison in Riga, Latvia. This building was brutal to see as it made the history tangible.

At every turn, I was amazed at the spirit that the Baltic people showed. At their dedication to their culture and their community. After so much oppression, it would be so easy to give up. But that never happened. Instead, they kept living in spite of and persisted in what they believed in.

Flowers are very important to the Latvian people. I never learned why, but I like to think that it was because it was a little bit of beauty they could bring into their lives on even the darkest of days.

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Two perspectives of a piece from a 3D art exhibit on a trail in Riga.

One of my favorite experiences was visiting this little neighborhood in Lithuania that declared its independence in 1997 (I even have a passport stamp from there!). Check out their constitution – I think they have the right idea!

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A neighborhood within Vilnius declared its independence in 1997 after tiring of being neglected by the city.
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The constitution of the Republic.

My world has been expanded yet again 🙂 And now I think it’s about time for another nap…