Who Is This Person? Coming to Terms With Your Ex’s Sudden Coldness

14 Responses

  1. Angela says:

    Omg 😢This is my ex exactly what I went thru with a man I’ve known since I was 10

  2. Cindy Derrick. says:

    It’s like you are feeling every beat of my heart. I’ve never had someone understand much less put into words exactly what I’m feeling. You have helped me more than you will ever realize.

  3. A.T. says:

    I will say this was a great help to me today as I awakened with this pain. As i read this article i couldn’t help but feel like this was my story of the past that still seems to affect me till this day. Thank you for sharing this information. It helped me to see that hating him was not the answer , rather i should let go and believe in the indifference scenario.

  4. Nancy Symns says:

    I don’t know where to start…..other than your text from now ex, was me who caught my now ex cheating, (paper trail of proof), he blatantly denied and cried more than a river of real tears, while standing in front of me professing his love for me and only me for those 16 years. By this time, there were other problems between us, and having put together that he was a manipulative narcissistic demon, (in counseling myself), I STILL wanted to believe him. He’d been my ONLY true love….to this day it makes me ill. REALLY ILL. Moving forward. I confronted him on a late Friday night, telling him he had to get out! We slept apart, (one of the very few times in our marriage), him on the couch. Early Saturday morning even before I woke out of my daze of surely a nightmare I thought, he was up, dressed, and already getting himself together to leave, although he took next to nothing with him, and had virtually nothing to say as I asked where he would be going, where he’d stay, etc. (not answering any of my questions), he was walking out the door as he did a half turn looking back towards me with the nasty smirk I’d come to despise, and his only words to me were “go ahead and file yourself” very calmly, like it was NOTHING! That was it!! 5 simple words!
    Just 8 hours earlier he was crying and begging and I felt like I was dying inside, he looked like himself and was leaving on his motorcycle, with nothing more than a small leather bag to attach to it. (My ex is a hoarder of everything). This would be no in and out move for him. And it wasn’t.
    But those were the last real words I heard from him. And I was surprised but then I wasn’t. He’d become every gruesome figure I’d been putting together piece by piece. At that point I knew so much more about the person I’d watch him become over several years that appeared to be nothing like the man I’d married. And luckily I learned to NOT confront a narcissist with what they are.
    I knew with those words I had become his Public/Private Enemy #1. I felt it in my BONES. And that’s what I believe I still am, after 6 years apart, almost 4 years since our divorce was final, I’m still on his list, because I still pose a threat with him being in contempt of court. He owes me money and that’s a threat to him.
    A court room and courthouse I will never walk into alone without appropriate legal aid at my side. (He financially ruined me with help from the court).
    The man is the devil himself, but he’s made me into that persona just as your ex did you. I’m still waiting for my few loved ones he poisoned against me to see some of who he really is, and I’m hoping to gain them back, because he’d hated them from the beginning of our marriage. It has to come out sometime. Meanwhile there’s never a reaction, never any contact. Never. None. Nada. Thank goodness we had no children. I ache for those of you who have to deal with these people while trying to guide children down the right paths.

  5. Great post. To keep it simple, I liked the view of cognitive dissonance from both the mean and manipulative ex and the target of the ex’s behavior. During the marriage, I saw my ex punish people who crossed her. I also saw sides of her I wished did not exist. I remember thinking, “I never want to be on her bad-side.” I stifled this fear by thinking I was shielded from her by the simple fact she was my wife. Unfortunately, when she walked out on the marriage, both the mask she created for herself and the mask I made for her came off.

    As Nancy alluded to in her comment, the worst part, for me, is dealing with my ex with our children caught in the middle.

    • The impact on the kids is the hardest part. I feel for anyone in that situation.

      I’m with you on thinking that I was immune to certain responses because I was the spouse. Live and learn:)

  6. Patrick says:

    I’m amazed to see how many people share the same experience, both through your blog posts, peoples comments, as well as people I know. This can’t just be coincidence? A friend shared with me as she was helping me to secure a mortgage to buy out my house, that someday my ex-wife, whom she knew, would be sitting surrounded by all her stuff and suddenly realize that she let a good man slip away. My attorney shared from her experience that one party in a divorce moves on and does okay while the other continues to struggle. My attorney told me I would be okay when the dust settled. Thankfully I have moved on and I’m happy again (there are still days that I struggle). Based on your many posts and comments from others, it appears that the survivors who do well have gathered here on your blog.

  7. Mandi says:

    Thank you for this post. So much of it are my exact feelings.

  8. Michele says:

    Once again, I am in awe of you! Spot on! Thank you!!!

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