If I Had Known This One Thing, I Would Have Divorced Differently

24 Responses

  1. secretangel says:

    You have been through so much. My heart goes out to you. And I totally agree… I can’t imagine anyone wanting to practice getting divorced to learn all the things we learn through the process. God bless you!!!

  2. This was an excellent post. I agree with you that ‘no fault’ gives the impression “the divorce was a mutual decision made over time and with both party’s well-being in mind.” In Australia it is all ‘no fault’ divorce now and you cannot get divorced until twelve months post separation. A marital property settlement is a separate legal process. So there are the two parts to the legal process. As you say, this is separate again from the emotional heartache which is a third part to the process. And a fourth process is reinventing yourself, which I am doing now. These are all HUGE steps. It is hard for others to understand when you are still trudging through the legal process (in my case this took three and a half years) and thus still in pain from it all. People expect you to be ‘over’ it and yet you are not yet ‘through’ it.

    • Yes, yes and yes! I actually had someone tell me that I should literally be able to forget the entire marriage and divorce. Not likely!:)

      Reinventing is huge and daunting. And exciting😃😃👏👏

  3. Angela says:

    Thank you for the post. I found it eye opening and informative. California is a “no fault’ state. My attorney explained that my husband can have 100 affairs and it still won’t matter in my state. I just don’t want the divorce to take longer than what it has to be.

  4. In my no-fault state, the courts have definitely taken a turn toward favoring men. Bringing up my ex’s faults just served to poison the female judge against me – I fear it made me look weak and victim-y. So many tough lessons! Thanks for another good post.

  5. Jeffery's Mother says:

    Thanks for sharing your story! I’m glad you’re out of that mess.

  6. Mary Lou says:

    I totally understand your confusion during that time. It’s overwhelming! My divorce in New York State was “No Fault Provisions added to Traditional Grounds for Divorce” ~ after one year living apart. It was listed in the divorce papers that my children and I were abandoned. After reading what you learned about “fault” and “no fault” maybe this was good. I had no money as the family income dropped by more than half of what we’d been living on. What a nightmare!

  7. If I could go back and change the paperwork on my divorce things would look so much differently. Only she was hiding an affair and lied to get me to sign the arrangement. I feel your struggle, thanks for sharing.

  8. How horrific! I’m so sorry he did those things to you.

    Thank you for this great blog and your advice. Fortunately, as far as I know, ours will be an uncontested divorce, but I’m still researching how to proceed legally.

    I’m very impressed with your ability to survive and put yourself back out there. It will take me a very long time to be able to do that, and my situation isn’t nearly as nightmarish as yours was.

    May you find peace.

  9. This scares and saddens me. Two years ago I discovered what was to be the first (or so I thought) of my wife’s affairs. I did everything to work it out and get her to stay, spiritually and fleshly. I fasted for 16 days, and then she repented the third time (seemed genuine). Then I started working out and eating healthy. I did everything I could to be the best husband to her, buying her gifts, writing her love notes, attempting to do everything around the house… We went to a counseling retreat for marriages dealing with affairs. We did a family life conference. It took ten months, and her affair partner moving out of state for her to finally stop.

    We had a rocky (good and bad times) three months after that, and then about six months of bliss. And then she started sexting and hooking up with random men she was meeting through an iPhone game and chat room. When I found out I tried to work it out again. It took her 2 and a half months and me saying I wanted a divorce for her to say she wanted to work things out and stop… we started going to counseling, etc. After several weeks and five sessions, she made progress. The counselor told me to stop living in fear and to trust God. So I was all in again.

    She lasted two days before she started lying. On the fifth evening I caught her sexting with someone at 3:30 am… I filed for divorce the next week.

    Now she wants the kids and alimony… She has a good job, but makes less than me. It turns out she will likely get it because I tried to work things out. According to the law, that means I gave consent to her adultery.

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