Pros and Cons of a Disappearing Act

21 Responses

  1. OMG…Lisa you outdid yourself with this one…you hit the nail on the head..because almost everything you wrote I have felt. Once again I thank you for your work.

  2. Julie says:

    So completely correct. Also in the Pros column, you never have to question that he was a good guy…..clearly he wasn’t. I see a lot of my divorced friends pining away over their decision…”Maybe we shouldn’t have broken up”, “Maybe I should have stayed with him.” I have none of that, he left like a thief in the night and as horrible as it’s been, I’ve never once wanted him back.

  3. This is a great summary.
    As horrible as it was, the thought raging through my head in the first 30 seconds was ‘If you are about to say what I think you are about to say, then this is it. It is over.’ With that thought in mind, all your pros fit exactly (except the quick divorcing / settlement issue). I have not had the problem of pining, wanting to still be together, guilt etc

  4. annieemmy says:

    Reblogged this on Under and Over, Around and Through and commented:
    Yes. This.

  5. Le Petite princess says:

    What a great article. It helped me realise why I can’t heal. I need to be angry at him but even if I hunted him down, his ego would swell at me still being broken 1.5 years later and he has anger issues that may create more trouble than heal. I may have to send him one of those letters without actually posting it.

  6. eg0ground0 says:

    It is so helpful to see posts like this. I feel these things all the time and I’m still working on not blaming myself. I know in my head that he was sick and it wasn’t my fault but some days his voice tells me that I’m wrong and that’s crazy.

    It’s not easy to let the truth sink in but for me, I just need to hear it (and say it) over and over.

  7. Ashley says:

    Reblogged this on ashtx and commented:
    Abandonment sucks, no two ways about it.

  8. unsinkablemollyx says:

    >>>The no-contact advice is really easy to follow.<<<

    As much as it hurt when he first left and went weeks without contacting me, not even to check or see our daughter, it was much easier to move on…

  9. Reblogged this on Old Black Waters and commented:
    One of the few things C said to me after the initial reveal was not to ghost on her. Don’t disappear.

    And I didn’t.

    I would periodically call and send love notes over the first forty days of my Odyssey in an attempt to reassure her that, as Esther Perel would say, “She is the one. She has always been the one.” I was trying to communicate I value her in my life and my behavior was not a reflection on her.

    Not every moment. Not every day. I was trying to give her time until she was ready. In response, she sent me a couple of notes telling me she loves me and was heartbroken.

    Since then? Silence.

    Somewhere what is intended as a sincere, heartfelt passionate outreach started to be described by others as part of a harassing, controlling, and dark pattern. If anyone is hijacking the narrative it is those people projecting their issues onto our relationship without any experience inside our home, finances, history. or sex life.

    I became someone with pathological issues and she became a victim.

    The problem with this perspective is that it assumes C, in her grief and pain, isn’t smart enough to know what she needs and wants. After all, as a liar and adulterer, I’m clearly a real catch.

    It is entirely likely she looked at the totality of our relationship and decided there was nothing of value to salvage.

    As such, ghosting makes perfect sense.

    For weeks I’ve been swinging between:

    1. It’s my fault. I did all of this. Her ghosting is the consequence of my infidelity
    2. But after 7 years?! Not a fight? A fuck you?! Not one question?! It must be a fair weather relationship! She wasn’t really committed! She loves me when I take her dancing and set up her booth but when it gets hard she abandons Us. She abandons me.

    Repeat all night.

    No wonder I’m not sleeping.

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