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Lessons From the End of a Marriage

A “How to Thrive” Guide After Divorce

Anger is a Succubus

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Anger.   It is so easy to go there.  To stay there.

Why did he do this to me?  How could he have done these things? What a (fill in the blank with your favorite expletive)!

That anger is a succubus; she’ll draw you in, tempting you, and then slowly suck you dry, leaving you brittle while the object of the anger remains untouched.  Anger leaves you in a victim state, powerless.  It is only by releasing this anger that you can take your own reigns from the soul-sucking creature and chart your path.

Take yourself out of the object in the sentences above and make yourself the subject.  What can I do to make my life better?  What can I do now that these things have happened.  Okay, so maybe the expletives can still stand.  They certainly have their place, after all:)  That shifts the power back to you.

Not that it is easy. I still slide back into anger when I have to deal with the financial fallout of my ex-husband’s years of manipulations and deceptions.  Try staying calm when you are faced with paying the bill for the wedding rings used to marry another while you are still betrothed.  Any luck?  Yeah, me neither.

The anger has been the hardest to let go of, even more than sadness. However, I refuse to let that succubus feed off me any longer.

Here are  some of my strategies for moving beyond anger.

Anger Deflation

Practicing What I Preach

Radical Gratitude

Forgiveness 101

Writing Through Divorce

What has helped you?  Are you still angry?

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5 thoughts on “Anger is a Succubus

  1. I am still angry. Very angry. She betrayed me and has seemingly got away with all of it. I realize my life was going down hill being married to my soon to be ex wife. I now realize my times with my kids are so much better when I am with them. I realize my times with my family is so much better now that she isn’t with me. I realize my times alone are so much better. But for some reason, I have not been able to let go of the anger from the her absolute betrayal. I look forward to reading your future posts.

    1. It is difficult to let go of the anger, especially when it is justified. I remember saying (in the not so distant past), “Of course I’m angry. The man I loved more than anything tried to destroy me.” I knew I didn’t want the anger, but I didn’t see any way of making it disappear. Then I had a major mental shift that allowed me to let go of (most of the time). I’ll share more about that later.

      Even though it is not easy, it is worth continuing to work to let go of the anger. Left alone, it can continue to hurt you and your kids. You can’t control or change what happened to you, but now you have the control to dictate how you respond.

      When the anger is overwhelming, I suggest you think about what you wrote here: you are happier with your kids, family, and yourself. Perhaps the route to this place is not what you would have chosen, but that does not mean the destination is any less worthwhile. Now, give those kids a hug!

  2. “Perhaps the route to this place is not what you would have chosen, but that does not mean the destination is any less worthwhile.”

    Brilliant. This really resonates with me. Thank you.

  3. Eight years later, I am definitely still angry. Not all the time, but when I am hanging out with his family (because he lives in England now, but I am still here and on good terms with his family), sometimes snide remarks escape and I KNOW they aren’t doing anyone any good, but they are just so hard to corral. He married the girl (she doesn’t deserve to be called a woman) he cheated on me with and now they have a baby girl. It’s hard not to see that as my stolen life, but I also know I don’t ever want to be with him again. It’s weird, anger. It makes no sense, but it won’t dissipate. I think there is less of it year after year, though, so I think time is helping. And enjoying my life helps, too.

    1. Anger can be so powerful, especially when our core sense of right and wrong has been challenged. Time does help, as does perspective and acceptance. Keep on enjoying life:)

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