Guest Post: 9 Things You Must Give Up To Be Happy

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I connected with Dave Scott on Twitter (@davecscott) a while back when he responded to a Tweet I sent about trying to overcome my fears of going down hills in order to try skiing for the first time. Dave’s enthusiasm for skiing was contagious and helped me have fun on the slopes (even while I was petrified). We’ve stayed in touch and have discovered that our messages are often complimentary. Here’s a piece from Dave for you –

9 Things You Must Give Up To Be Happy

Americans love their politics. I’m no exception.

I love political election seasons. I love watching the ridiculousness of presidential campaigns, the craziness of our countries delegate process, and I enjoy watching highlights of various political races from around the country.

And it’s important. Politics, I mean. It’s important because who we elect impacts the future of how our municipalities govern its citizens.

But politicians and our political process won’t make you happy. I am constantly surprised at how many people I know feel that government should help them by creating a false state of happiness.

Our nation’s political system was never derived from the need to satisfy someone lack of a fulfilling lifestyle.

And in this tumultuous season of presidential elections, I’m learning about the things I need to give up in order to be happy. (politics included)

So I created a list of 9 things that will make your life a lot easier, when you give up on them. These are things we typically cling to, concepts we feel should serve us because we embrace them. It’s time to let these things go and ultimately be stress free.

 

  1. No one likes a Cliff Clavin. (give up always being right)

I hate being wrong. When it happens, I feel foolish. I can’t stand the notion of not being right, and having this result impact my credibility. I’m sure you can relate. Often times we’ll even sacrifice relationships by attacking others just be right when it’s clear as crystal that we’re dead wrong. The feeling of always having to be right often times comes from pride and a sense of ego. To truly be happy, you need to give this up. Instead of having your coworkers label you as a ‘Cliff Clavin’ (which is not a compliment) set aside your pride and be willing to be wrong. (Cliff was always right, and never wrong) The outcome of this act is joy in the humility of the moment.

  1. Surrender. (give up your need for control)

In order to find happiness, you’re going to need to relinquish control of everything that was never in your control in the first place. It’s called surrender. Surrender is the act of giving up the need to control everything around you. To find joy in your circumstance, you need to learn how to give up controlling life and controlling people. It’s hard, I know. I tend to be a control freak with certain things, and choosing to allow others to freely work or live is difficult. Letting go of life, and trusting God with things is proving to be my biggest challenge. But when I do, I learn to freely live. When surrender happens, and when I choose to trust through surrender, I learn the valuable lesson of what it means to live intentionally. Psalm 118:8 says “It is better to take refuge in the Lord, than to trust in humans.” Learn to live without restriction and without control through the action of surrender.

  1. Give up on blame.

Quick story; I used to work with a person who’s only goal in our meetings was finding blame. This person was rarely about finding solutions, and more about who we can burn at the stake. It was stressful to work with them. Our team dreaded meetings with this person because their only goal was to find fault. (our team even began avoiding including them in decisions) In the book Difficult Conversations, the author says “blame inhibits our ability to learn what’s really causing the problem and to do anything meaningful to correct it. Blame is about judging and looks backward.”

Finding blame in a situation is not helpful. The goal should always be to find contribution. Contribution is about understanding and looks forward. If you have someone on your team, or in your life, who’s only aspiration is to tattoo someone because of some sort of failing, then maybe it’s time to get rid of them, or at very least keep them at arm’s length. There are a lot of gray areas in life, and life isn’t always black or white. That said, it’s not always 100% someone’s fault for every situation. Give up finding fault and blame, seek something more productive.

  1. Give up living a defeated lifestyle.

This is one I’ve struggled with until very recently. It’s one of the most dangerous mindsets to live in. Many people I meet struggle with a self-defeating attitude. And they’re only hurting themselves because of their negative, polluted mentality. The trick is to not let yourself believe everything your mind is telling you. We have so much more hope than what’s in our minds, and what’s on this earth. Our minds are incredible tools that are capable of awesome things like feats of ingenuity and amazing acts of inspiration. But our minds can also be our worst weapon against anything that’s good, righteous, and praiseworthy. Focus on these things, and avoid an ethos that robs you of being better than the sum of your thoughts.

  1. Stop complaining.

“Some of the happiest people in the world, go home smelling to high heaven at the end of each day.” – Morgan Freeman, Bruce Almighty.

Impoverished kids without shoes in Guatemala have the right to complain. Children in the Middle East that live in fear because of the constant threat of violent attacks from terrorist groups, have the right to complain. Those who are homeless, poor, or disabled, definitely have the right to complain.

The fact that you don’t get your McDonald’s happy meal in three and a half minutes is nothing to lose sleep over. The fact that your little Tommy or Tammy isn’t getting enough playing time on their hockey team, or soccer squad, doesn’t give you the right to lament about it. Nor do you have the right to criticize your boss or coworker for not choosing your idea over theirs. I hate labels, and I’m cautious of labeling perpetual complainers as narcissistic, but there’s truth to it. Most perpetual complainers are selfish and utterly miserable inside. Nobody can make you unhappy, and no circumstance can force you into a state of misery unless you let it. Give up your constant need to complain, and instead spend your energy on learning how to be grateful.

  1. Stop trying to impress others.

“I do the very best I know how, the very best I can, and I mean to keep on doing so until the end.” ― Abraham Lincoln

Don’t try to work to impress others. You’ll undoubtedly fail because you’re going to miss someone’s expectations, somewhere along the line. Stop trying to be something that you’re not just to make others like you, and ultimately impress them. The moment you stop trying so hard to be something that you’re not, and the moment you take off all your masks, is the moment you’ll be able to accept and embrace the real you.

  1. Give up on your fears.

Fear is just an illusion, it doesn’t really exist. Fear isn’t even an emotion; rather it’s a false sense of being created in our minds. Fear is meant as a tool to be used by the devil himself to render us weak and useless. In the book, Outwitting the Devil, by Napoleon Hill, the author has a direct one on one conversation with the devil himself. In it, Hill uncovers that the devil’s two most powerful weapons to weaken and destroy humanity is fear and addiction. Fear because of the aforementioned, and addiction because it weakens the mind of independent thought. Give up on fear. And a fearless, independent thinker can accomplish awesome things.

  1. Give up on the past.

Recently I made a trip to Palm Beach Florida, with my wife. While there we met an awesome couple from New Jersey named Karen and George. They were enjoying life after a year of terrible tragedy. George was hit by a truck while crossing the street, and flipped over the vehicle that struck him. He could’ve been paralyzed, or even killed. The worst thing that happened to George: A snapped Achilles tendon and some skin grafts to help heal the ankle wound. Talking with them both was extremely inspiring. Despite their crappy accident, and the hassles they endured, they chose to give up on the past and are look forward to the future.

Giving up on the past is a hard task, especially when the past looks so much better than the present, while the future appears incredibly frightening. But you need to let it go. The past is a distant memory that will never change your current situation or help you overcome adversity that lie ahead. Learn from it, but seek to live in the moment you’re in now, and plan for the future. Stop punishing yourself with the what-if’s of the past and instead embrace the instant that you’re living in now, and be present in everything you do, while enjoying life.

  1. Give up on stuff.

This can be hard to grasp so let me explain.

If you have a garage or spare bedroom (or multiple spare bedrooms) resembling an episode from the hit television show Hoarders, I think it’s safe to say you have attachment issues. Being attached to stuff, to material possessions, means you’re trying to fill some sort of void in your life that’s most likely the result of an unmet need, or wound from your past.

When my family and I moved to Fargo from the suburbs of Minneapolis and St. Paul, less than a year ago, we got rid of a ton of stuff. (and we’re definitely not hoarders, so for us to get rid of a bunch was even more impressive) We got rid of stuff because we were downsizing into a two bedroom apartment, for a temporary period of time. In this moving experience, I realized that this life isn’t about me or stuff. It’s about people and relationships. It should be about connecting with others to share the good news, rather than what new toy I picked up on Craigslist.

I know too many people that have tons of stuff, like hunting gear, cars, jets-skis, houses, knick-knacks, and entire buildings of crap, that live a shallow existence. I can never seem to have a deep and meaningful conversation with them because their life is made up of inanimate objects rather than the ability to encourage others through something of substance.

There’s nothing wrong with having nice things, and living with the wealth of things, but the minute you choose things over people, equals a life of emptiness and void. The moment you detach yourself from these same things, you allow yourself to live at peace and in freedom. Free from the confines of possessions that tie you down.

What are some things you’ve given up to be happy? What’s been a driver of joy in your life?

 

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Dave Scott is blogger, writer, and marketer currently living in Fargo, North Dakota. Dave grew up in the Minneapolis and St. Paul area and is a father, husband, son, and lover of technology. Dave’s not an expert or a guru. He just thinks you’re awesome and want you to know that, too, by writing about topics that inspire and encourage others.

 

8 Ways This Election is Like a Dirty Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Can I just hibernate until November? Pretty please?

I reached election fatigue several months ago and it’s only getting worse with the ever-present coverage and the ever-increasing contemptible behavior from the politicians, the media and even the general public.

I miss my educational and informative talk radio during my drives; it has morphed into a never-ending episode of Jerry Springer, only the guests are fighting over power instead of girlfriends. Thank goodness for audiobooks and Pandora. So far they’re untouched.

My Facebook feed looks like the politicians are trying to battle it out via memes, as though the one with the most superimposed quotes will capture the flag of the presidency. I wish I could install some sort of political filter on my social media so that I can still have friends come next year.

I’m tired of trying to explain to my students that mentions of penis size and potential federal indictments are not usually part of a presidential campaign. And that politics is supposed to be about governance, not entertainment. Yes, this is reality TV. But it’s reality TV that’s way more important than your favorite contestant being voted off the island.

And here’s the crazy thing – even though I have absolutely no experience in politics (and nor do I ever intend to), this election is bringing back some unpleasant deja vu for me. Not of an election. But of a dirty divorce.

The 8 ways this election season reminds me of a no-good, very-bad, down-and-dirty divorce:

Emotion Trumps Reason (No Pun Intended)

Looking back, I can see that I made many irrational decisions during my divorce. And that’s because I wasn’t thinking rationally. I was hurt and wanted to shovel some of that hurt on him. I was in shock and busy reacting instead of pressing pause and planning. But mostly, I was scared. Scared of what the unknown future would hold. And so I was grasping onto anything I could that gave me a sense of control over my life. With the gift of hindsight, there are some things I would have done differently. But I wouldn’t have been able to hear that advice then because I was too flooded with emotion to be able to reason.

This election is much the same. People are appearing to lose their minds. And that’s because rational thought has been displaced with emotion. People are frightened about what is around the corner for our country and they want to hold on to any sense of control that they can find. Much like facing a malignant ex in court, watching your anti-candidate debate fills you with disgust and aversion. If you have a beloved candidate, that person fills you with hope and promise, much like the first flame after a brutal break-up.

And the politicians and the media know this. They play on the emotions, knowing that emotions drive views, clicks and follow throughs. Just like the lawyers are the ones to benefit from an ugly divorce, the media is cashing in on this election. We’re being played.

Everything is Presented in Black and White

In family court, the story of the marriage and its demise is presented in absolutes – “I was the perfect spouse. He/she did everything wrong.” Nuance is wiped away in favor of decisive judgments. A lifetime of interactions and emotions and needs are distilled down into sparse sentences and quantified into legally-binding calculations.

This over-simplification is occurring as well in the political arena. Complex health plans are relayed in a single paragraph. A soundbite captures the intentions for illegal immigrants. These absolutes are easy to understand and easy to repeat. Yet they ignore the muddied gray area that really exists.

There is a place for stripping something down to its bare bones in order to see the inherent components and structure. But never get complacent that the skeleton is all there is. People and life are more complex than that.

Winning Becomes Everything

I was a boxer defending my title in the ring of my divorce. I was determined to win, even though I wasn’t exactly sure what winning even looked like. I just knew that I needed to be the victor. At any cost.

When I sat in court across the aisle from my soon-to-be-ex, I remember looking at this stranger and wondering how we could have gone from planning for retirement together to him trying to wrestle my retirement from me. We had completely lost sight of our once-shared goals.

When watching the current presidential contenders on the battlefield, it’s almost impossible to believe that they all (supposedly) share the common goal of guiding this country and its inhabitants towards a better future. They have become so consumed with obtaining the title (and wounding their opponents), that they seem to have forgotten what the purpose of the role even is.

Dirty Fighting in the Norm

As a pathological rule-follower, I was mortified when I first saw the lies from my husband recorded on his discovery documents. “How could he sink so low? How can he lie on legal documents?” I asked my attorney. She was unfazed. In a dirty divorce, dirty fighting is the norm. People will lie, use others as pawns and even escalate situations in an attempt to dominate the process.

The jokes about dirty politicians are endless. And not just the ones currently in the running. When you value winning at all costs, the costs are often high. And when you get so caught up in your campaign, it’s easy to lose sight of the truth.

Blame Becomes the Hot Potato

Many dirty divorces become an alternating he-said, she-said where one allegation is countered with another and the blame is passed back and forth. I know. I played that game too. And the harsh truth I eventually had to accept was that by focusing on blaming him, I was also giving him the power to decide when and if I was going to move on.

Blame is a distraction. A misdirection.

And it’s no different in this election. The GOP blames Obama for its troubles. The democrats blame the republicans for poverty. They all blame each other for the increase in political tensions. Fault is assigned. Fingers are pointed.

And it keeps the attention away from the candidate-in-question.

Victimhood is Nurtured

I certainly felt victimized by my ex husband and by my divorce. And I could have easily stayed there. As a society, we have gone from empathizing for victims to enabling victims. We issue trigger warnings and excuse poor choices all in the name of trying to keep victims comfortable. We seek to penalize bullies while ignoring what we can do to empower their targets. And when we nurture victims, we cultivate victims. The victim of a dirty divorce can end up being trapped by their position, giving up responsibility along with any power of their own well-being.

Politicians like victims. Because victims need somebody to rescue them. And they are wanting to be selected as your knight (or knightess?) in shining armor. Victims are perceived as weak, needing guidance and protection. And just like some people are drawn to dating victims because it makes them feel needed, some politicians are pulled towards being the savior of the injured parties.

Promises Are Made (But Not Kept)

I felt relieved when I saw the ink on the decree. I was going to be reimbursed for some of my expenses. He would take on the house and I wouldn’t have to absorb a foreclosure. Apparently, he was only making those promises because he knew what the judge wanted to hear. Because as soon as court was adjourned, so were his promises.  Trust becomes as extinct as the dodo.

The politicians are well-versed in saying what we want to hear. They make promises that they have no intention of keeping, knowing that we have no real way to enforce their follow through once they have taken oath.

Throughout my divorce and its aftermath, I finally learned to take every promise with a saltshaker. I have the same position with this election. I’ll believe when I see it, and not a moment sooner.

There is Collateral Damage

And this is the unfortunate part. Every dirty divorce has collateral damage. Others, frequently children, caught in the crossfire. When the focus is on winning at any cost, that debt often falls to others to pay.

I’m feeling the same way watching this election, like a kid between bickering parents, pleading with to stop yelling and just talk. The politicians and the parties are pitting us against each other like children against a parent in court. And when that happens, everyone loses.

Okay, political rant over. I’m going to put my earplugs back in now, keep my head down until this is all over and cross my fingers that this country does a better job electing the next president than I did with selecting my first husband.

Oh, and if you know a way to scrub all political news from all my feeds, please let me know:)