The Pros and Cons of the Increased Awareness of Narcissistic Abuse

Posted on by stilllearning2b
narcissistic abuse

Narcissism has gone from the relative anonymity of Latin mythology or the contents of the DSM to mainstream headlines. Much of this increased awareness is helpful to those who have been affected by narcissistic abuse, but there are some downsides to be aware of.

The PROS of the increased awareness about narcissistic abuse:

 

 

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Helps You Find Your Community

“I’m not alone,” is usually the first response when somebody first finds others have a story as twisted and crazy-making as their own.

I know I felt that way. I was certainly no stranger to divorce when my ex left, but the template followed by other parting spouses was meaningless when applied to my ex. He not only disregarded the rules, he kept making up new ones at every turn.

I felt so alone. So isolated in my experience.

Until I first stumbled upon a community taking about sociopathic behavior. And I read stories from others who had experience with people like my ex. I remember feeling giddy with the discovery, flying down the stairs and announcing to my friend, “I’m not the only one!”

There is enormous power in finding others that share your experience.

 

 

 

 

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Assists With Scrubbing Off the Target

When I thought I was the only person that had been subjected to the upside-down world of covert abuse, I took the entire experience personally. I believed that I was the target of,  and the purpose for, his twisted lies.

Once I learned more about narcissistic and other similar traits, I started to see the common patterns and understand that these behaviors occur no matter who is in their way. And once I understood the universal nature of the favored tools of manipulation and control, I started to feel less like a target and more like collateral damage.

And I was able to accept that just because it happened to me, it didn’t happen because of me.

 

 

 

 

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Provides a Common Language

It’s interesting how the term “gaslighting” is rarely known until it is lived.

Once you find yourself in the world of recovery from narcissistic abuse, you’ll learn the language that describes your experience. Maybe for the first time, you’ll be able to put words to what you lived through.

And there is something so powerful about assigning a name to something – it begins to give you some dominion over your experience. And having some semblance of control after emotional abuse is a powerful and healing feeling.

 

 

 

 

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Reassures You That You’re Not Crazy

So many people who have been affected by a narcissist refer to their story as, “Hollywood.” That’s because the character(s) and the plot twists are often so extreme that they should only exist in a movie.

And yet they’re real. Fiction crashing into real life. The resulting debris can make you feel as though you’re crazy, like you don’t have a grip on reality and you’re living in some hellish limbo between worlds. Finding out about the characteristics of narcissistic abuse can provide welcome reassurance that you’re not crazy and that sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction.

 

 

 

 

 

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Gives a Framework For Understanding

One of the biggest hurdles to overcome after suffering from narcissistic abuse is how to handle the internal questions –

Why did they do this?

How could they have done this?

Who is this person?

Are they even capable of love?

Once assigned, the label of “narcissist” gives a framework for beginning to understand these seemingly unanswerable questions. As you study, you learn about the gaping holes within a narcissist and how they strive to fill them. You glean some insight into their lack of empathy and their attempts to manipulate and deceive those around them. You still can’t quite grasp it (nor do you really want to be able to understand that frame of mind), but you feel like you have at least some comprehension about how and why this happened.

 

 

 

 

 

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Offers Tools and Ideas For Recovery

When you’re dealing with a narcissist, the normal rules of engagement do not apply. It can leave you feeling isolated and hopeless as you try to navigate back to yourself. The increased awareness of narcissistic abuse gives you signs and even guides that can help you find your way.

This is perhaps the greatest gift of the expanded insight into this phenomena – the creation of an informal database of ideas and strategies to help you recover from the covert abuse. Breadcrumbs left from those who have been there to help you find your way through the darkness.

 

 

 

 

The CONS of the increased awareness about narcissistic abuse:

 

 

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Can Encourage a Narrow Focus

Imagine you’ve been hit by a car. You’ve survived, but you have some serious injuries that will require months, if not years, of rehabilitation and therapy. How much of your time are you going to spend researching the make and model of the car that hit you? And much of your energy are you going to dedicate to your own healing?

Once a label of “narcissist” has been assigned, it can be tempting to act like you’re writing a doctoral thesis on the disorder, researching and analyzing every last detail and interaction. Yet energy is finite. If you’re focusing it on the narcissist, how much are you leaving towards your own recovery?

 

 

 

 

 

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Simplifies the Explanation

Sometimes it seems like “narcissist” has become synonymous with “asshole.” It’s both a watering-down of the term and a misunderstanding of the underlying pathology. Even when the label does appear to fit, it’s still a distillation of that person, an oversimplification.

Furthermore, it can be concerning when laypeople conclude a psychiatric diagnosis without formal training or clinical diagnostic instruments. It often ignores the role that addiction can play in the appearance of personality disorders and it may confuse other similar or overlapping conditions. The label of “narcissist,” when informally applied, is better used as a construct for understanding than a definitive diagnosis.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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May Promote Victimhood

When something so life-altering happens, it’s easy for it to become your identity. To begin to see yourself – and project yourself – as the victim of a narcissist. And yes, you have borne the brunt of the narcissist’s attack. You have weathered the emotional abuse. Yet you are more than what was done to you.

One of the problems with labels – any labels – is that we try to use them to describe the entirety of a person or situation when really they are simply a type of shorthand. The quandary with the term “narcissist” is that the other side of the coin is “victim.” And that’s not what you are. You’re a survivor who is going to use what happened to become better and stronger and wiser and more compassionate.

 

 

 

 

 

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The Community Can Become Enabling

Support communities for narcissistic abuse (or for anything really) can cross the line from helpful to enabling. This happens when the focus becomes on the stories, each person competing for the “Most Likely to Become a Soap Opera” award. It occurs when victims are overly coddled and encouragement to move forward is lacking. And it happens when the shared identity becomes more “victim” than “yeah, this happened but I am the driver of my life and I’m not going to let this detour keep me off course for long!”

The needs of narcissistic abuse survivors evolve over time. At first, the primary needs are the reassurance that you’re not alone and the almost compulsive drive to tell your story. As the shock begins to fade and the rawness of the wound begins to scab, there is a need for understanding and hope. Often around this time, encouragement (even in the form of some tough love), may be needed to move through the events of the past. A healthy community provides support for those at every stage and discourages people from staying in the early phase for too long.

 

 

 

 

 

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Can Distract From Personal Responsibility

The abuse you endured is not your fault. You did not deserve what happened to you and you are not the cause of what happened to you. I am so sorry that you’ve been thrust into this nightmare against your will and that now you’re struggling to heal from the inflicted psychic wounds. It sucks. It’s not fair. And it’s something that you will never forget.

The narcissist’s issues are theirs to deal with (or not, as they tend to do). Their choices, and the associated consequences, are theirs to own.

And your choices are now yours to make.

You’ve survived an encounter with a narcissist.

And what are you going to do now?

 

 

 

The Proliferation of Narc Abuse

Posted on by stilllearning2b
narc abuse

In some ways, I wish my divorce was happening today. All I would need to do is supply the word “narcissist” or “narcissist abuse” to my attorneys, my psychiatrist and pretty much anyone else I had to deal with and they would instantly gain insight into the insane world I was attempting to navigate in order to sever ties with my ex.

The use of the label, “narcissist,” in regard to my ex-husband would alert others to following:

-He will not behave according to the standard laws of human decency and interaction. He will lie, project and manipulate anyone who stands in the way of what he wants.

-He will be very charming in person. His intellect will shine through and he will display his expertise at making others feel good about themselves.

-He will make promises. They mean nothing.

-He will concoct elaborate stories that shift the onus of the financial and relationship situation onto me. They will seem plausible. Because he’s good. Very good.

-He will use others for his own gain and then discard them. This extends to his lawyer. Even before payment has been made.

-He was gaslighting me for many years. And it takes time for clarity to return.

But at the time of my divorce in early 2010, the term “narcissist” had not yet left the DSM and entered the common vernacular. There were no templates available for the lawyers and the judge to understand how to handle someone that will manipulate the rules of the game even as they pretend to play. There was precedence for the judge to believe that he would simply ignore her orders, continuing to march to the beat of his own drum. And there was no help for me to start to understand the covert abuse I endured; I still believed that abuse always came with obvious cruelty.

If my divorce happened today, I believe that it would be handled differently. The attorneys would be a bit more aggressive in their demands and less willing to delay based on his excuses. His lawyer would likely have demanded payment up front, not trusting that “the check is in the mail.” The judge may have changed the verbiage in the decree, making the consequences for noncompliance more severe. And I may have received more understanding for the Alice-In-Wonderland-effect of prolonged gaslighting.

Because the proliferation of a label helps to increase public consciousness and understanding of an issue. The more we talk about it, the more we see the common threads and realize we are not alone. The more stories we hear, the more insight we gain into our own experiences as the collective wisdom is cultivated and disseminated.

The popularity of a label can certainly benefit those who fall under its umbrella.

But there is another side to a label becoming in-vogue.

A darker side.

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I first went gluten free in 2007 after suffering from gastrointestinal symptoms for several months after recovering from food poisoning. At that point, I had only a vague notion of what gluten was and I had never heard of celiac disease or gluten intolerance.

I only knew that I was hurting. (Along with other things, of which I’ll spare you the details).

Thinking that I may have IBS, I looked online to find the recommended diet and I stumbled across a chart which listed the symptoms of IBS (I had two) and the symptoms of gluten intolerance (I had them all). I immediately pared down my diet to fruits, vegetables and dairy.

And within three days, my bloating and pain were gone.

Each day after the first two weeks, I reintroduced a food. During week four, I got sick again. I looked at the label of the tea I consumed that morning. Third ingredient? Barley. I was further convinced when the ingestion of my multi-vitamin (gluten? really?) brought me back to misery.

In those days, gluten free was anything but trendy. It was unheard of. I had only a small selection of GF products available at the health food store or via mail order that were priced insanely high and tasted insanely bad. I had to forgo eating anything of substance in restaurants and prepare my own food at home using naturally gluten free ingredients.

And in some ways, I wish that my gluten sensitivity had manifested later in life. Because now I can obtain GF pizza, cupcakes and even grilled cheese all within a short drive of my home. It’s a world I dreamed of back in 2007.

But even though I enjoy my GF goodies, it’s not all good.

Because with the popularity of the label comes a cheapening. A watering down.

It’s assumed that I avoid gluten because it’s the “in thing.”

That I wanted to be part of the crowd.

When the reality is that I could not care less about the crowd. I’m doing what I need to for my own well-being.

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The increase of the use of the term “narcissist” is much the same. It’s a helpful label for those who are attempting to disentangle their lives from a manipulative and deceptive person. It has brought needed awareness to the fact that some people won’t play by society’s rules. It’s a reminder that sometimes wolves walk around in sheep’s clothing and that not everybody who appears trustworthy is. And, most importantly in my view, it has brought awareness to the fact that abuse can occur quietly and softly behind the scenes.

But as the label is applied generously to everybody who acts selfishly, there is a cheapening of the term. A watering down.

It seems as though everyone’s ex is a narcissist.

At which point, the term becomes useless.

Labels are designed to be a shorthand for understanding. A starting point for awareness. Not an endpoint for assumptions. Or a focal point for your life.

If you identify your ex with the characteristics of a narcissist, then use that collective wisdom to help you understand his or her motivations and actions. Listen to the stories of others and find comfort in the fact that you are not alone. Allow the characteristics of a narcissist to help you separate what was done to you to what happened because of you. Let the label work for you.

And then let it go.

Because at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if your ex is a narcissist. (And, if they are, the fact that you are keeping your attention on them simply feeds their desires.)

What matters is what you do now.