Comparison Shopping in Relationships

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Whenever I introduce a new math concept, I begin my comparing it to something they already know. It helps to anchor their understanding to examine the similarities and recognizing the differences helps them deepen their understanding of the new topic.

 

Comparison is natural. Adaptive. It is a tool that our minds use to help sort information and make sense of our world.

But that tool can sometimes turn on us.

And instead of helping us construct meaning, comparison turns on us and brings feelings of inadequacy and scarcity.

We all suffer needlessly at times when we compare our lives to the lives of those around us. When we believe that the grass is always greener rather than watering our own lawns.  It’s such a common response that it even earned its way into the top ten list of sins.

 

But there’s another kind of comparison that often sneaks in after divorce and undermines our happiness: the comparison of a new date to your ex.

Again, comparison is natural. Adaptive. By holding a new person up to your ex, you can easily see the manifestation of traits you want/ don’t want again in a partner.

But it can also turn on you, leaving you pining for the past and unable to accept the present as it is.

It keeps you stuck. Gives you an excuse to stay safe and impenetrable.

It can happen silently, as you measure your current beau against the last even while continuing to act as though you are fully in the present. Sometimes, it may slip through your lips as you verbalize some area where past and present are different. Or, all too often, it exists on a subconscious level, a slight hum of dissatisfaction that can undermine the new relationship.

If you find yourself comparison shopping for a new relationship, try these strategies to change your thoughts:

 

Recognize when it happens. The first step to changing any habit is to be aware of it when it occurs.

Affirm that different only means different, not better or worse. We tend to fear the unknown and perceive change as always trending towards the inferior. But different is just different. And it is always uncomfortable at first.

Interrupt the thought. The more you allow your thoughts to follow a particular path, the more worn and easily tread the path will become. Stop the comparison thoughts when they happen and don’t allow the pattern to ingrain.

Focus on the positive differences. Make a list of all the ways your new partner is better than the old. Write it down to make it real. If you find yourself measuring a negative, shift the thought to, “Yes he/she isn’t as …. as my ex; however, he/she is so much better at ….”

Understand that developed can’t compare to embryonic. If you are in the early stages of a relationship, do not compare it to a mature relationship with its associated vulnerabilities and intimacies. Apples and oranges.

Fill the cavities. If there is something that your ex provided that your current relationship does not, seek another way to fill the void. Loved to watch foreign films with the ex and new beau prefers action flicks? Find someone else to meet your love for foreign films. No one person will meet all of your needs and as you transition from one relationship to another, you will have to shift what needs are met elsewhere.

Recognize that the past is rose-colored. It’s easy to paint the past as perfect when its sweaty socks aren’t strewn across the floor of your present existence. Don’t compare reality to a dream. You’ll never be satisfied.

 

 

Comparison

Posted on by stilllearning2b

My ex and I were very compatible with the roommate stuff.

Brock and I? Not so much, especially at the beginning.

But even with that being said, I have never wished that Brock was more like my ex in this regard.

Because not only would that be pointless.

It would also be poisonous.

Rather than comparing the two men, I recognized that my experiences with the first made me skilled in some areas and deficient in others. I didn’t wish Brock kept house like my house; I realized that I had never learned to negotiate housekeeping with someone else.

So it was a challenge.

And challenges can be met.

 

It breaks my heart a little every year when I meet new students that have siblings that have passed through my classroom. The first words out of their nervous mouths are, “I’m nothing like my brother/sister.” I always reassure them that I don’t compare siblings and that I’m excited to get to know them for who they are, unclouded by the impressions left by their kin. I instruct them to tell their brother or sister “hi” for me, and then I intentionally push them out of my mind. Because when I’m getting to know the new student, the former ones don’t matter.

 

None of us like to be compared to others, especially when it’s rigged for us to come up short. But it can be difficult not to compare as you transition from one relationship to another. It’s so easy to place the partners side by side and measure the qualities of each. Easy, but also damaging to your new relationship, especially if your partner feels as though he or she can never measure up. It may feel like a party of two, but if you’re always comparing, there’s a third person in your partnership.

 

Find yourself comparing? Try this.

Be intentional and mindful about the traits and characteristics you want in a partner before you begin dating and work to refine your desires as you meet people. If you choose an apple, don’t complain that it doesn’t taste like an orange.

Focus on your new partner’s strengths, especially those that were not shared by your ex. Celebrate what is now compatible or easy where before there was stress or strain. We all have gifts we bring to table. Don’t be so focused on what is lacking that you neglect to see the riches.

When you find your ex in your thoughts in a comparing way, remind yourself why you are glad they are your ex. Maybe they were better at small engine repair than your new partner, but that seems pretty silly when you consider they slept with your best friend.

Accept that you cannot change your partner no matter how much you compare. Rather, work to adapt yourself to meet the new challenges present in any emerging relationship. Comparing cuts. Try growing instead.

When you find the partners side by side in your head, picture them side by side in front of you. Pretty uncomfortable, huh? Exactly. Kick one of them out. Preferably the ex.