Why Are Boundaries Important?

Posted on by stilllearning2b
boundaries

As a teacher, I get to see boundaries – and the lack thereof – in action every single day. It’s funny how much I have evolved in this since my nascent years as an educator. I used to read up on specific classroom management strategies, many of which involved complicated reward systems and methods for tracking behavior. I used these methods, not because they were particularly effective, but because I didn’t know any other way.

I have since learned.

Now, my classroom management comes down to two principles – build relationships with the kids and put effort into establishing the classroom expectations and boundaries at the beginning.

 

It’s amazing how much people thrive when they know you care and they know what is expected of them.

 

Boundaries Create Clear Expectations

Most people want to do the right thing. They want to get along and they prefer to make others happy rather than disappointed. Without guidelines, people are operating in the dark. And when there are no upfront expectations, human behavior has a tendency to slide towards the selfish.

It’s not fair to expect people to act a certain way if we have not expressed our preferences. Relationships built upon assumptions and blind guessing rarely succeed. We have so far failed to master telepathy and until we do, communicating boundaries is a key element of creating clear expectations.

 

Boundaries Help to Maintain a Balanced Relationship

When a relationship exists between one person with strong boundaries and another who has a poorly-defined perimeter, there is often an imbalance of power. The one without a clearly-defined sense of self struggles to say “no” and stand up for themselves. There may be a sense that they have to give in to get along and so they may often find that they become dependent upon their partner.

When you set limits, you are in control of how much you will allow your partner to take from you. You get to say, “You can have this much and no more.” When these parameters exist on both sides, there is a natural balance that occurs between independence and interdependence.

 

Boundaries Are a Sign That You Know Your Worth

When you don’t have strong boundaries, you are prone to allowing yourself to be used for the benefit of others. On the other hand, if you have a strong belief in yourself, your values and your worth, you will set higher expectations for those that you accept into your life.

There is a well-known phenomena in economics that states that people value what they have to pay for. When you have strong boundaries, you are in essence stating that there is a price for being close to you. It’s easy to undervalue yourself and set these guidelines too low. Yet when you do so, you are communicating that you do not have value. People will treat you the way you teach them to treat you.

The flip side of this truth is that once you learn to create and maintain strong boundaries, anyone you lose probably needed to go because they didn’t see your worth.

 

Boundaries Keep You From Losing Yourself

If you don’t know where you end and others begin, what’s to keep you from bleeding out? When you hear about somebody losing themselves in a relationship it’s often because they never established the necessary safety fencing that says, “This is me. These are my rights and my beliefs. You can visit, perhaps even stay awhile. But you can’t take any souvenirs away with you. Because when and if you leave, this is still me.”

 

 

 

 

Want to learn more about boundaries? Check out the rest of the series:

 

What Are Boundaries In Personal Relationships?

Signs That You Need to Strengthen Your Boundaries

How to Get Better at Setting and Maintaining Boundaries

Why So Many of Us Struggle With Maintaining Boundaries

 

How to Get Better at Setting and Maintaining Boundaries

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Communicating your boundaries can be difficult, especially when it is an important relationship to you. Maintaining those boundaries when they’re challenged or when the consequences become distressing is even harder. The following strategies will help you  set and maintain boundaries within your relationships at home, at work and in the world at large:

Learn What is Important to You

If you try to set boundaries about everything from the words people say around you to the gifts that you’ll receive, you’ll come off as high-maintenance at best and a complete and total ass at worst. Boundaries are powerful and work best when they are applied judiciously.

These are some examples of appropriate boundaries. Choose and/or adapt the ones that resonate with you.

  • I will not tolerate being hit, shoved or slapped.
  • It is not okay for you to call me names.
  • I will not allow you to tell me how I can spend my personal time or money.
  • My spiritual beliefs are my domain and I will not accept your input on these.
  • I will not permit you to make comments about my weight or appearance unless I ask for input.
  • It is not okay for you to tell me how I feel.
  • I am not able to help you at this time.
  • At work, I will not drop everything for an emergency that is a result of somebody else not doing their part.
  • With friends and family, I will not tolerate comments about a decision that has been made.

Make the distinction between the hard line of a boundary and an unwillingness to discuss a situation. Take finances within a marriage, for example. It is completely appropriate and necessary for the couple to discuss an overall financial strategy and to continue to hold discussions around money when the situation changes. A boundary that states that money is not allowed to be discussed is not appropriate. An acceptable boundary would be that a spouse cannot tell their partner how to spend money that has already been agreed upon as a personal account.

Consider your personal beliefs and core values. Your most important boundaries should protect what makes you, you.

Become Aware of Signs That Your Boundaries Are Being Crossed

We’re often not very good at recognizing these signs, especially within high-value relationships. Here are some signs to look for.

It can be easy to believe that a “good” spouse/friend/child/sibling/employee simply keeps the peace and allows others to do as they want. But your inaction is still action and there are consequences. A healthy relationship has boundaries on both sides – lines that delineate another’s sphere of influence from your own.

Practice Communicating Your Boundaries

When choosing your words, remember that your boundaries are about you; they are not an attack or criticism of another person. Keep your statement simple and refrain from inserting emotion. If you’re currently in a more energetic state, wait until you are calm before communicating your limits.

Be ready to repeat your statement. Especially if this is new for you, it may be dismissed the first (or second, or third…) time. At school with my students, I become more and more like broken record (does that metaphor even work any more???) the more emotional the kids become. It feels strange in the moment, but it’s very effective at bypassing power struggles.

Start Small and Build as You Become More Comfortable

If you’re not used to speaking up and stating your limits, it can be easiest to begin in a low-stakes situation, where you have less to lose. One area that often gives (too many) opportunities is in customer service.

Was your food cold? Let the waiter know and calmly state your expectation that the food is not acceptable. Did the front desk blow you off? Be assertive and let the office manager know what you need going forward.

If you tend to avoid confrontation, boundary-setting is scary because of the (often imagined and catastrophized consequences). It’s going to feel strange and scary at first. However, once you see that people generally respond positively to knowing where exactly the line is, you’ll become more comfortable.

Ensure That You Follow Through

A boundary that is ignored as soon as it becomes too much work to enforce is even worse than a boundary never erected. If it’s worth the energy to create the parameters, it’s worth the effort needed to maintain it.

You will be challenged. It’s human nature. We all want to see what we can get away with, and some do this more than others. Be strong and confident. Stand up for yourself.

Decide What to Do About Repeat Offenders

If someone refuses to adhere to your boundaries, you may have to walk away. When your workplace repeated steamrolls you, it may be time to seek new employment. If your friend continually asks for help and doesn’t step up for themselves, you may need to cut them loose.

Are you willing to do this?

It’s a hard question, especially when we value the relationship. Be aware that staying with the status quo may also have a high price to pay. Only you can decide if it’s worth it.

Want to learn more about boundaries? Check out the rest of the series:

Why Are Boundaries Important?

What Are Boundaries In Personal Relationships?

Signs That You Need to Strengthen Your Boundaries

How to Get Better at Setting and Maintaining Boundaries

Why So Many of Us Struggle With Maintaining Boundaries

Why So Many of Us Struggle With Maintaining Boundaries

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“But what if I lose the friendship?” I thought as I debated about pressing send on the text message.

“So what if you do?” my inner voice replied, “Would that be so bad?”

Feeling guilty, I worried that I would be perceived as rude. I was concerned that this person would decide to cut off all contact in protest of adhering to my request. Rereading my words, I analyzed them for signs of disregard that may lead to hurt feelings.

“Maybe I should just suck it up,” I thought, placing the burden solely on my shoulders where it had taken up residence years before.

“You’ve tried that,” the inner wiseman again replied, “And how’s that been working for you?”

For many of, setting, communicating and maintaining boundaries is a struggle. Here’s why –

Learned Behavior

For those that have been raised to be People Pleasers (™) or decided to take that role upon themselves, setting boundaries feels just plain wrong. The thought of instating limits brings up counterarguments of hurt feelings, disappointment and anger. Guilt soon follows and the consideration of boundaries is left by the wayside.

When you have been taught to subjugate yourself for others, the setting of boundaries feels neglectful or even cruel. “I have to help,” you think, even when helping is at the expense of your own health.

One of the boundaries that I set for myself in the early days of teaching was this –

Never help somebody more than they are willing to help themselves.

It’s a good reminder on the limitations of what we can do for another and also a prompt to look out for yourself too.

Fear of Loss

Setting or reinstating boundaries in a relationship always contains some risk. After all, things will change. And you cannot control if the other person responds by respecting your newly confirmed limits or instead makes the decision to exit the relationship.

Sometimes, we avoid laying down the line because we fear speaking up. We convince ourselves that it is better to stay silent and just deal with it instead of facing the unknown.

It does take courage to speak up. You may face consequences you would rather not deal with. And the relationship could end.

But when the alternative is losing yourself, it’s a risk worth taking.

Low Self-Worth

If you don’t believe you’re worth protecting, you won’t put the effort into building boundaries around yourself.

Go back and read that again.

So often, we fail to set boundaries because we don’t believe that we deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. At some point, we have absorbed the idea that we will only be loved for what we can do or be for others.

And so we give them full access to ourselves even when they leave a mess behind.

You matter.

Never let anyone else convince you otherwise.

Overwhelm and Fatigue

Sometimes the reason that boundaries are neglected is as simple as a limitation of time and energy. You can see this in single parents with their children when, after a day filled with work to pay the bills and an evening filled with arguments about homework and dinner, there is simply no energy left over to enforce the rules about screen time. It’s easier in the moment to simply give in.

One clue that energy is the problem is that the boundary has been communicated and established but the maintenance has been neglected. At some point, the testing has become too much and the lines fall.

I’ve been feeling this one myself even as I write this today. Our new rescue pup has been testing me, interrupting nearly every sentence with an action that needs correction and reinforcement. I’m tired. I’m getting frustrated. Yet I also know that if I give in by letting her go wold or give up by crating her so I can finish, I’ll simply be postponing the inevitable (and incidentally, making it a more difficult job).

Energy is indeed finite. But those boundaries that protect your personal sanity and well-being are not the place to skimp.

Like with anything, practice makes better. Start small and build your boundaries one at a time. Taking care of you is not an indulgence. It’s a necessity.

Want to learn more about boundaries? Check out the rest of the series:

Why Are Boundaries Important?

What Are Boundaries In Personal Relationships?

Signs That You Need to Strengthen Your Boundaries

How to Get Better at Setting and Maintaining Boundaries

Why So Many of Us Struggle With Maintaining Boundaries

Signs That You Need to Strengthen Your Boundaries

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I wish there was a class in high school that taught people about the importance of setting and maintaining boundaries in personal relationships.

Unfortunately, the powers-that-be decided that learning the exact year of the Battle of the Alamo was more important than learning how to have healthy relationships with yourself and others. And so, we’re left fumbling about in adulthood trying to figure it all out.

The following are signs that you might need to put some effort into setting or strengthening your boundaries in one or more relationships –

Anger

Anger is often one of the first signs that our boundaries have been crossed. It provokes a sense of being disregarded or even assaulted as others railroad us in pursuit of their own desires.

Often, either shock at the disregard for another’s feelings or an entrenched discomfort with anger prompts us to keep our mounts shut in the name of keeping the peace. And well it’s true that boundaries should not be set in anger, anger is a sign that they may need to be instated once tempers have eased.

Frustration

Anger requires energy and energy is a finite resource. Over time, when boundaries are continually ignored, anger waters down into chronic bitterness or frustration. This is an interesting state because our irritation is aimed at the other person when often we hold the key to change it.

Of course, a certain amount of frustration is inevitable whenever you’re dealing with a fellow imperfect human, but if it has become a constant companion, it’s the light on your dash informing you that your boundaries are low.

Exhaustion

Having your emotional and intrapersonal space invaded on the regular is exhausting. Relationships require energy, but if yours is continually leaving you feeling drained and wrung out, it’s a clear indicator that some guidelines need to be established.

This is often an ignored sign of a lack of boundaries because when you’re feeling exhausted, the last thing you want to do is expend the energy to create and maintain new conventions. Yet here’s the fact – if you don’t change your approach, you will remain feeling used and exhausted and if you invest the energy up front, you will eventually feel restored and revitalized.

Resentment

You know what people who ignore your boundaries don’t do? Appreciate and thank you for the opportunity.

Over time and with repeated disregard, you will inevitably feel resentment for the other person. Often, those of us that end up in this predicament have a belief that if we just give enough, the other person will love and appreciate us.

What we’re forgetting is that we teach people how to treat us. So if we give and give with no limits, we are communicating that self-sacrifice is to be expected. Interestingly, when giving occurs within well-established boundaries, it is both more appreciated and less self-sacrificing.

Walking on Eggshells

Frequently, boundaries are absent or poorly enforced within relationships that are control and/or fear-based. The encroaching partner seeks to dominate and the boundary-lacking partner is afraid of being discarded.

When a sense of walking on eggshells in an attempt to let sleeping beasts lie becomes the norm, it is important to take a look at what you’re willing to tolerate in the name of being with this person. If you struggle to see this clearly for yourself, think of what you would advise for a friend or your child in a similar situation. Would you want them to put up with the same behaviors you are?

When we’re in difficult or toxic relationships, we often fall back on wanting – or waiting – for the other person to change. What we often fail to realize is how much power we have to alter the situation. And that all begins with boundaries.

Want to learn more about boundaries? Check out the rest of the series:

Why Are Boundaries Important?

What Are Boundaries In Personal Relationships?

Signs That You Need to Strengthen Your Boundaries

How to Get Better at Setting and Maintaining Boundaries

Why So Many of Us Struggle With Maintaining Boundaries

What Are Boundaries in Personal Relationships?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Parenting can help us learn about boundaries. Imagine a family with a young child. In this household, the rule is, “No cookies until after dinner.” The child, as children do, continually tests this rule. “Maybe if I scream loudly enough, I’ll get that cookie”, they think. They push and poke to see what they can get away with, hoping that their will is stronger than the adult’s patience.

A practiced parent upholds the guideline firmly and without emotion, “You will get your cookie after dinner,” is repeated calmly and frequently in response to the tantrums.

The parent knows that this pushback isn’t personal, even if the child tries to make it seem so with screams of, “I hate you!” and “You’re the worst mommy/daddy ever!”. Just as we know that the no-cookies-before-dinner boundary is not created to harm the child.

Boundaries are important in adult relationships as well.

Obviously relationships between adults are different than those between a parent and child. The power dynamic is equally shared and personal agency is maintained. Yet even so, we can use those simpler relationships to help us learn how to create and enforce boundaries in the rest of our lives.

Boundaries are a statement of what you are willing to tolerate.  They do not seek to control someone else, yet they also are a refusal to be controlled. Like in the situation with the cookies and child, boundaries are not coming from a place of wanting to harm another. They are simply facts, communicated clearly and followed with consequences if broken.

Boundaries create a distinction that says, “This is me. And that is you.”

In adult relationships, healthy boundaries are a sign that each person has a strong identity and awareness of their own values. They are an indication that there is enough independence that each partner has the right to state their own needs and limitations.

Of course, your needs don’t supersede those of your partner. And so part of boundary-making involves risk. Because if they decide not to accept your guidelines, they may elect to leave. It’s a good reminder that you can control your actions, but not another’s response (nor are you responsible for that response).

Boundaries don’t negate “I love you,” but they do say, “I won’t love you if it means neglecting myself.” 

In the parlance of the commonly cited oxygen-mask metaphor, setting boundaries doesn’t mean that you won’t help others secure their life-saving devices. It simply means that you refuse to let them interfere with your right to affix yours first.

Boundaries are critical for the health of ALL of our relationships – romantic, parent/child, work, family and friendships. Effort spent in improving this domain will have far-reaching benefits for you and those around you.

Want to learn more about boundaries? Check out the rest of the series:

Why Are Boundaries Important?

What Are Boundaries In Personal Relationships?

Signs That You Need to Strengthen Your Boundaries

How to Get Better at Setting and Maintaining Boundaries

Why So Many of Us Struggle With Maintaining Boundaries