The Surprising Way Divorce Can Affect You

Posted on by stilllearning2b

For the most part, I guess you could call my response to divorce typical.

I spent hours laying in bed, tears soaking the pillow beneath my matted hair, mourning the life and love that had been ripped from me.

I expressed anger and bitterness towards my couldn’t-be-ex-soon-enough as I learned of his betrayals and indiscretions.

I lived in the land beyond exhaustion, every little task seeming to require more from me than I could hope to summon.

I was afraid for my future, unsure how I was ever going to be okay and overwhelmed at the enormity of the task.

I felt isolated and alone, my fingers still trying to call him and my heart still hoping for an answer.

But those weren’t my only reactions.

There was another response.

An unexpected one.

A feeling I’ve come to name, “post-divorce mania.”

And its effects were just as real as the sadness, the anger and the fear.

Only with the added stress of wondering if my response was somehow abnormal and “wrong.”

I’ve since learned that it’s not an uncommon response to divorce.

I first became aware of post-divorce mania in myself in the intensity with which I pursued the felony case against my ex. I was driven. Obsessed. Filled with an energy that seemed to have no lower bound.

Next, my mania attached itself to my running. I went from 0 to 60 (okay, actually 5 miles to 13.1) in just a few short weeks. I could run for hours even though I was running on empty.

As winter set in and the weather became less conducive to running, I transferred my mania to dating. A spreadsheet was made. Every online “match” became a coffee date and the days without a meeting were few and far between.

The next and final fixation was my move into my own space. I dreamed and planned in equal measure, spending more time in my mental map of my as-yet-to-be-occupied apartment as I did in my actual life.

Post-divorce mania is characterized by an increase in energy accompanied by an intensity of focus. It’s a compelling drive, a sense of being propelled by an internal motor that refuses to idle. It often has an obsessive quality, focusing on one thing to the exclusion of all else.

This is a common obsession after infidelity.

It can be positive in tone, like my drive to add miles to my runs, or negative, like my compulsion to check on my ex’s whereabouts. Regardless, it tends to overstep the bounds from “healthy” into “too much.”

Post-divorce mania is initiated by a fear of slowing down and feeling too much. It’s maintained because it’s compulsive nature feeds our dopamine receptors, keeping us coming back for more. It’s a side effect of the need for action, the gas pedal to the floor and the steering misaligned.

Like with any mania, it’s hard to see the bigger picture while you’re in it. Especially because it feels better than being sad and powerless. And also like any mania, it’s unbalanced. Too much yang and not enough yin.

If you’re experiencing post-divorce mania, you’re not alone (I hear about it and see it all the time). You’re not abnormal (you’re trying to adapt to a difficult situation). And you’re not broken (like any phase, this too will pass).

Meanwhile, trust that you can survive slowing down and being with your feelings (and try some mindfulness meditation to encourage this). Make an effort to steer your energy towards positive endeavors. And remember to breathe.

 

On the Need For Action

Posted on by stilllearning2b
need for action

I just received a call from my husband, who is on the road to Alabama for work. He mentioned a major wreck that shut down the interstate and expressed appreciation for his GPS which found him an alternate route through the country. He conceded that the alternate path was significantly longer and probably wouldn’t actually save him time over simply waiting for the accident to clear. Then he added,

“As long as I’m moving forward, I’m psychologically happy.”

Pretty profound. And certainly doesn’t just apply to being on the road.

Disney designs their rides to keep the lines flowing towards intermediate goals. Video games are tooled so that plays are rewarded with ever-increasing levels. Students are motivated by graduating from one grade and advancing to the next. The popular “snowball method” of debt management basis its success on the intrinsic rewards found in tangible progress.

As long as we’re moving forward, we’re psychologically happy.

A sensation of being stuck breeds frustration. Forced stillness creates a feeling of being powerless. And the longer you’re immobile, the worse you feel.

Defeated, it’s easy to give up and sit down. To claim that we cannot move forward because of the obstacles in our way. To bemoan the length of the journey and elect to not undertake the path. To put so much energy into cursing what caused the standstill that there is little left over to press the gas pedal. To neglect to consult the GPS and instead passively sit behind the barriers before us, getting more exasperated with each passing minute spent in neutral.

Movement bestows a feeling of influence. Of progress. Of purpose.

As long as we’re moving forward, we’re psychologically happy.

Even if the path is circuitous. Even if the headway is painfully slow. And even if you have to retrace your steps.

Objects at rest tend to stay at rest; objects in motion tend to stay in motion.

Make inertia work for you.

Keep moving forward.

Why Rock Bottom is a Powerful Place

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Rock Bottom.

A place that brings dread.

That no one would choose to visit.

And yet it is also a place of mysterious power.

That allows us to tap into the power within ourselves.

Because when you’re at Rock Bottom you have…

Nothing to Lose

In one moment, I lost my husband, my money, my dogs, my home, my health and almost my sanity. I went from a middle class suburbanite to someone who was technically homeless (at least according to the 2010 census) and could fit all of her belongings in her car.

I realized during that period how much I had become attached to those things in my life. And how, in many cases, I had assigned them more weight than they actually carried.

Rock Bottom is a time of non-attachment. Of acceptance of the non-permanence of life and our own locus of control.

Nothing to Fear

My biggest fear in life was always losing my husband. So when I eventually did lose him, it was actually kind of a relief. Not because I wanted him gone (not at first), but because I had lost my main reason to fear.

And that was incredibly freeing.

I found myself taking risks that I would not have taken earlier, exchanging the “sure thing” for a “let’s try this and see what happens.” I worried less and lived more.

When you’re at Rock Bottom, you’re not worried about falling. After all, that’s already happened and you’re still breathing.

Nothing to Hide From Yourself

I spent years confusing desire with belief, wanting so badly for certain things to be true that I convinced myself that they were. And refusing to look too closely when something whispered otherwise.

I believed on some level that I couldn’t handle the truth and so I operated to protect myself. Until I couldn’t any longer. And once on that cold, hard floor, I had two realizations: 1) I was facing it head on and 2) I was strong enough to do so.

When you fall to Rock Bottom, the lenses of your rose-colored glasses shatter. At first, the world may seem harsh. But eventually, you’ll realize that clarity provides you with a sense of peace.

Nothing But Opportunity 

I spent so much of my adult life reacting without much thought to what I wanted. He needed to move in order to work? I dropped everything and relocated after living alone for a year. He lost his job and I needed to find steady employment? Teaching career, check.

I stopped thinking about what I wanted, put my head down and barreled through. And I didn’t stop until I hit the earth, stunned into silence.

We spend much of our lives simply taking one step in front of the other after we’ve decided which direction to go. Rock Bottom is a pause. An opportunity for reassessment. Do you still want to follow your same path or is it time for something new? This is your chance.

Your stay at Rock Bottom will be fleeting.

Make the most of it.

Let the Things That Hurt You, Change You

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“I just want to go back to how things were.”

Have you ever uttered those words? Experienced that sentiment?

I know I have.

Had that desire for a time machine or, at the very least, a teflon skin that deflects any residue of experience.

A feeling that I’m somehow worse for wear, a sweater carelessly thrown into the dryer, its once-secure weave now shrunken and puckered and pilling.

I sometimes wish I had experienced an air-dry life, gentle and considerate, leaving me washed and yet untouched.

But then I think about having that kind of life. Living like you’re the prized possession too valuable to be removed from the box.

And what’s the point of a life that isn’t really lived?

I’d rather live to the fullest. Take risks. Feel the pain and wear the scars. Embrace the collisions with life as an opportunity to transform.

And to allow those things that hurt me, change me.

 

The Divorce Detox Diet

Posted on by stilllearning2b
detox

The Divorce Detox Diet has nothing to do with your waistline or the number of celery stalks you consume in a day. This diet is not about cleansing your body; it’s about cleansing your mind and your heart.

There are no sign-up fees, no special formulations to purchase. All you need is some motivation to feel better and some direction to get there.

The Divorce Detox Diet Guidelines 

To be avoided:

  • people that bring you down
  • “shoulds,” both from yourself and others
  • always/never thinking
  • cyberstalking your ex
  • painful reminders and mementos
  • victimization

To be consumed in small amounts:

  • social media
  • movie or Netflix binges
  • pity parties and days spent in bed
  • alcohol
  • comfort foods
  • blame and guilt

To be consumed in moderate amounts:

  • reflection and analysis
  • distractions
  • reading about and/or listening to stories of divorce
  • hobbies or work projects
  • reinvention of home space or physical self
  • journaling

To be enjoyed with abandon:

  • time with friends
  • sunrises and sunsets and time in nature
  • yoga and other exercise
  • your favorite self-care rituals
  • kisses from dogs (or cats or babies)
  • hope 

After a few weeks on the Divorce Detox Diet, you can expect to feel lighter and freer as you shed a little more of the weight you’re carrying from your past.

Good luck to you on your cleansing!