“Why wasn’t I enough for him?”
I posed this question to my journal soon after discovering that my then-husband had obtained a new wife.
“What does she have that I don’t?”
I asked of the page, not expecting an answer.
“How could he do this to someone he loved?”
The words perforated the page like his actions pierced my heart.
“He threw me away like so much garbage!”
My tears fell on the page, causing the words to bleed down the paper.
I felt worthless, discarded. I wore this self-image like a corset, hidden from public view yet restricting my movements nonetheless.
I rationalized that if I had been a good enough wife, he would not have secured another. I believed that if I had only been a better partner, he would not have left. Even while publicly blaming him, I secretly blamed myself. Convinced that I was not enough.
My “I’m not enough” taunted me when I faced my fear of going downhill, telling me that I would fall. It threatened that I would never find someone to love me. It followed me into dating, acting surprised when anyone was interested in a second date.
I carried this feeling into my second marriage, determined for a time to be a “perfect” wife. And fearful that when I fell short of this impossible goal, I was risking abandonment again.
My now-husband picked up on this underlying anxiety and reassured me that I was enough. Imperfections and all.
But it still took time for me to really believe it.
And even though it’s largely gone in the context of my marriage, it still haunts me at other times.
It still whispers every time I press the “publish” button, apprehensive about the reactions. I have to work to quiet it when I face criticism. And I still have to tell it to shut up when it tries to take everything personally and assume the responsibility for everybody’s happiness.
The voice isn’t so loud now, but it still exists. It drives me to achieve, which would be good if it didn’t have the aura of fear around it. It encourages me to always strive to be better, do better. I have to constantly work to find that balance between believing that I AM enough and that I can always be more.
When you’re rejected by someone you value, it’s not easy to separate yourself from their actions. It’s hard to trust that you ARE enough.
In the beginning, I felt like I needed to prove my worth TO my ex (even though he was out of the picture). It had a, “I’ll show him” motivation behind it.
And then one day I realized that I was allowing a person of questionable character to determine my worth, which is pretty much like letting a known embezzler set the market price of gold.
If I didn’t value his opinion about anything else, why would I let him decide that I was not enough?
I felt pretty silly.
And so I stopped trying to prove to him that I was worthy.
But I still felt a need to prove it to myself. That little voice of insecurity still pushing through like a pessimistic parrot on my shoulder.
So that’s where I am now – working to let go of that residual feeling of not being enough.
Recognizing the voice for what it is – a lie based on fear.
And learning to trust that I. Am. Enough.
Do you ever have the feeling that you’re not enough? What does that voice try to tell you?
Reblogged this on Three Lighthouses and commented:
Powerful stuff x thank you stilllearning2b
It was divorce that made me realize I had lived my life “never being good enough”. The realization came with a flood of anger and also the recognition that we create what we believe. I practiced loving my “I am” before committing to another relationship. It was the least I could do for myself. As always, love your posts.
After several years of getting angry at her and then blaming myself, leaving was the best thing. Years of feeling like a failure taunted and still taunt me. Although in my case, I never learned to love myself completely. I know it has more to do with knowing who I am than thinking about my marriage. As I move on in life, I need to be more confident about myself to prevent feeling so low and worthless again.
Every day. All the time. Im a waste
You may feel like a waste, but that’s your “I’m not enough” voice lying to you. How can you prove it wrong?
Found out he started dating within weeks of finalizing our divorce, if not before. It’s hard not to be wrecked by that, and not wonder why these new people mean more than 7 years, wedding vows, and a life built together.
I’m working to let it go, but the persistent voice in my head constantly questions why he would have left if I were enough…
The decision to leave has WAY more to do with him than with you. The brain often understands that even while the heart struggles to comprehend.
This. Yes. “Enough”? Even still after 6 years. Doesn’t help that he’s on GF #2 who is pretty, petite, successful, and seemingly ‘perfectly matched’ (as seen from a completely unknowing perspective). Also doesn’t help that I’ve been attempting to date for several years with no real connections made. “must not be enough for them either…”
Oh the stories our minds tell us…the tangled webs we weave.