Courage
Brock never lets fear hold him back. He initiates the difficult conversations. He tackles things that scare him with only the smallest signs of his discomfort. He runs into the fire instead of running away from it. And he encourages me to face my own fears and is supportive when I do.
I only learned at the end how cowardly my ex was. His default position was to hide from anything that caused him difficulty. Which ended up being pretty much everything. After the divorce, I also realized how much I had been allowing fear to be my guide and made a very conscious decision to change that. And so I was drawn to people that had been successful in ignoring fear.
Loyalty
On our second date, I met many of Brock’s friends. Friends that went back years. Later, I saw him demonstrate loyalty to businesses through his own transactions and by referral. When friends were challenging or a business disappointing, he didn’t respond by dumping them, he simply called them out and still continued to call on them. I was impressed (and continue to be) with his loyalty and commitment. This is a man who fixes things instead of throwing them away.
As for my ex, what’s the antonym of loyal? 🙂 I used to think he was loyal to me even when he wasn’t in other situations. I know better now.
Adaptable
I have put Brock in some very uncomfortable situations – at a Shakespeare play or surrounded by women at a house-warming party – and he has come through with flying colors. When plans change or we have to live in chaos through a renovation, he simply changes with it. This is one of those characteristics that I really became aware of post-divorce. After all, the only guarantee in life is change. It’s best to be with someone who can handle it.
I don’t think my ex weathered change quite so well. On the surface, he did fine. But beneath? He bundled up all that stress and tried to hide it away. Doesn’t work.
Security
My idea of security has changed. I no longer see it as an absolute, a promise. Now, I view it more as an intention and its associated actions. And in that regard, Brock earns 5 gold stars. He looks out for us financially and takes that responsibility very seriously. He is concerned about my safety (I never feel more physically protected than when I am with him), always looking for ways to make my life a little less risky. And on top of all of that, he always makes sure to communicate his love and loyalty to me. Dang, I’m lucky:)
With my ex, I felt secure in the relationship. What I learned later though was that that feeling was anchored on the flimsy of words. The actions didn’t align. Words are meaningless on their own
Admission
One of the traits I admire most in Brock is his willingness to admit when he screwed up before (and this is important) he is even called out on it. He’s matter-of-fact about it and not defensive. And most importantly, it’s followed with an effort to fix or avoid the mistake. I’m trying to learn from him on this one because, as a people-pleaser, I’m way too hung up on my own mistakes.
I think the only mistakes my ex ever copped to were the ones that were already marked in red ink. The unavoidable ones. And that admission would soon be followed by misdirection.
So in those ways, I was drawn to him because he was divergent from my ex. Not because I didn’t want to be reminded of my ex, but because I wanted better.
And I was finally smart enough to know what better looked like.
Lessons From the End of a Marriage 
I love how you are able to identify very specific traits in Brock that are very important to you (and how they were missing in your earlier relationship).
I could probably write something similar about my ex and my husband, but I think one thing stands out to distinguish them: my husband is on my side. He loves me, trusts me, knows I will make mistakes but that my intentions are aligned to his, and he wants me to be happy. My ex was suspicious, competitive, and concerned that concerned that I shouldn’t benefit too much unless he got his share first. Those characteristics made the divorce difficult, too. I am so grateful to have chosen differently the second time–and glad to read that you have, too.
That is a VERY important distinction! Glad you have somebody on Team You!!!
Wow I so needed to read that at the moment. Thankyou so much for taking the time to write this……….
And thank you for reading:)
i made a list a few weeks back upon the recommendation of a friend. a lot of the things on the list were traits that i learned to appreciate by being in a relationship with someone who did not have them.
i’m trying to date…ish. my biggest downfall is being flattered by a man who i am not necessarily attracted to and being attracted to him because i think he cares about me. i have to keep remembering what i want & not just take what i am given.
thanks!
Dateish. I love that! That’s pretty much what I did for a time too.
And what a great point about flattery! Such a great distinction to be aware of!
This is exactly what I needed to read right now, having just started the dating game. I will sit and write out a list of what is important to me in my next partner. I get asked by guys what my type is…my type is generally tall (I’m a sucker for a tall guys), wears glasses (sucker for specs as well!), arrogant and an alpha male. But not alpha in a good way! More like in a “you will do as a say” kind of way. I have to get myself out of that but I am can’t help but be attracted to those types. Thanks for posting! Definitely got some food for thought now.
Good luck with your list!
Great post. You’ve given some great contrasts that are clear here but often so subtle when we are in the midst of a relationship. Very helpful. Your journey is incredible and I’m so glad you’ve thrived and found a true mate. Thanks for checking out my blog.
And thanks for your support!:))
Wow. I kept copying down quotes from this post until I realized I was copying practically the entire thing…the traits of your ex are spot on to those of my husband…only I’m still married to him…trying to work on things, but I’m feeling pretty hopeless at the moment. Thanks for your writing…I now must buy the book!
Yikes! I’m sorry you recognize those traits.
Lisa, you probably hear this quite often, but I feel like I have lived (thus far) a parallel life of yours. My soon to be ex husband had many of the same qualities (right down to video games) that yours did and we also had been together for 18 years, with 12 of those being married. We met at 19 & grew up together, starting our adult lives together but fell into those same patterns that led to our downfall. Your stories and lessons give me such hope in life after divorce. Thank you ☺️
It’s still crazy and sad to me how many people relate to my experiences. I wish that my ex was one of a kind. I’m so sorry that you’ve dealt with similar and may happiness be just around the corner for you!