A Facebook Marriage (Keep the Smile On Or Else)

facebook marriage

I didn’t join Facebook until after my divorce.

But if I did have a Facebook page during my first marriage, it would have revealed nothing of the upcoming marital tsunami. You would have seen pictures of us playing with the dogs and working on the house. You would be jealous of our new (and huge) deck with requisite hot tub overlooking a large wooded backyard. You would be subjected to pictures of public affection and cheery smiles. In other words, we would have looked happy and normal.

And that’s so often the case, isn’t it?

No matter what is occurring behind closed doors, the marriage we reveal to the world is Pinterest-perfect. We see endless streams of seemingly flawless families and we want to blend in. We feel awkward and vulnerable showing any cracks in the marital shell, so we hide them behind carefully selected and cropped photos. Maybe we want to pretend that our marriages are solid and intact and we play out that fantasy on our social threads.

We probably all play that game to some extent, methodically choosing to put our best faces forward while hiding our flaws in the shadows. Airing our successes and anniversaries while shielding our squabbles and struggles. And in most cases, it’s pretty harmless.

But what about when things behind closed doors really aren’t okay? What about when you’re at your breaking point and you need a lifeline?

What about when you just can’t maintain the facade any longer?

There’s a loneliness and an isolation that comes from having to pretend that things are always okay, especially when it seems that everyone else is living a Photoshopped dream.

While Facebook has increased our connections, it can also increase our feelings of shame and distress when our lives fail to meet the “should I post this” test. It’s as though we’re in some sort of marital dissolution quarantine where we have to say something nice or not say anything at all.

It makes me sad when people message me and tell me they would love to follow my Facebook page but they’re embarrassed that someone might see the name, “Lessons From the End of a Marriage” on their feed sandwiched between the silly cat picture and the smiling kids posing in their first-day-of-school-clothes shot.

Because the truth is that divorce is just as much a part of life as silly cats and the first day of school.

And it’s not something that we can edit out as though it doesn’t exist.

Because sometimes pain is hidden behind those Facebook smiles.

And maybe sometimes it’s okay to show it.

I’m not advocating badmouthing your ex in a public platform (especially if you have kids or if the legal process is still ongoing). I’m not promoting a blow-by-blow appropriate for the tabloids. And I’m not suggesting that you divulge thoughts better suited to the therapist’s couch.

But it is okay to show you’re hurting. It’s okay to reach out and ask for help. It’s okay to drop the facade and show some of your cracks.

And yes, some people will question you.

But others will support you.

And others will admire your courage and maybe that will encourage them to show their truth.

Connection is not found through the illusion of perfection.

It’s created when we take down our walls and discover that we have more in common than a fondness for silly cat pictures.

Don’t be afraid to be real.

After all, it’s what makes you awesome.

Thank you for sharing!

19 thoughts on “A Facebook Marriage (Keep the Smile On Or Else)

  1. Bowrag – Houston, TX – Divorced father of two teenage girls. Trying desperately to say, "Living the Dream..." again.
    Bowrag says:

    Great post! Facebook is a double edged sword. I have kind of drifted away from facebook since the divorce. Too many mutual friends, etc… Losing interest in updating the world in my adventures. Not sure if I will ever really return.

      1. Bowrag – Houston, TX – Divorced father of two teenage girls. Trying desperately to say, "Living the Dream..." again.
        Bowrag says:

        Yep… the good and bad of technology.

  2. Insightful, as always.

    People wear masks. And it’s really hard to take them off even when the cat’s out of the bag. But you can’t heal until you do.

  3. forest9patrol – North Dakota – Semi-retired writer and lover of nature and women. My gravatar is part of the cover of my memoirs, "Dying to Live" The Life & Times of Jimmy Nelson," my true account of growing up on a storybook farm, experiencing a killer tornado, surviving teenage confusion, an adventurous four-year ride on a submarine, a skydive, not maturing into your regular adult, discovering the world is not a bowl of cherries, a crash to the bottom, and, finally, accepting that the only person responsible for me, is me. But first I had to descend into the deep depths of the emotional chasm. In my fiction I do not try to create super-heroes, but rather bring alive common and regular people who try to find love, survive, and react to circumstances as best they can, and, usually, try to do the right thing. My books are more than one genre, from war to sex and violence to romance, humor, horror, fantasy, science fiction to adventure. I write in third-person with viewpoints by men, women, and children.
    forest9patrol says:

    Great post and absolutely great photo of a cat!

  4. Misty D – About me? I always hate filling these things out but here goes nothing. I am a true Oklahoma girl that grew up in a very rural area and moved to the big city a few years ago. I am back to my country roots and have no plans on leaving them again. I am a sports mom and friend. I love cooking, watching sports, working out (for the most part), reading, movies and have a slew of TV shows that I can't live without (thank goodness for DVR). I've also been known to enjoy a cold beer, frozen margarita, or good glass of wine on occasion. Anything else you need to know, just ask.
    Misty K says:

    Great post!! Could not have come at a better time in my life. You have taken everything I have felt the past few months and put them into words. Something I have struggled with and still struggle with.

  5. Misty D – About me? I always hate filling these things out but here goes nothing. I am a true Oklahoma girl that grew up in a very rural area and moved to the big city a few years ago. I am back to my country roots and have no plans on leaving them again. I am a sports mom and friend. I love cooking, watching sports, working out (for the most part), reading, movies and have a slew of TV shows that I can't live without (thank goodness for DVR). I've also been known to enjoy a cold beer, frozen margarita, or good glass of wine on occasion. Anything else you need to know, just ask.
    Misty K says:

    Reblogged this on Ramblings of an Oklahoma Girl and commented:
    So incredibly accurate.

  6. Yes, I love the cat too. But you’ve stated exactly how I feel about FB. I’m on there, but don’t post a lot because it feels fake. The most I’ve posted recently is pictures of my pretty pug.

  7. kimberlyjo2016 – Hi, I am a mom to 2 grown boys and a new daughter (1 of my sons just got married!). I work by day at a very structured job but by night, I like to write. Really I like to write stories infused with humor. I like finding humor in everyday situations. I like to try to find the silver lining, the positive in the negative and the glass half full kind of attitude. So by writing, I can make my stories turn out however I want them to! I may even throw in some poetry, not rhyming poetry, just rambling lines that sync with my thoughts. I will also throw in some of my photos (forgot to mention I am an aspiring photographer too). I hope you enjoy my little stories, please let me know if any of them speak to you! Oh, and the name #angelonmyshoulderphotography, is because I have had so many miracles along the way that everyone would always comment that I must have an angel on my shoulder watching over me. So I got an beautiful angel tattoo on my shoulder and that's how the name came about. I think it suits me!
    kayjcee2014 says:

    Well said

  8. Mama Crossroads – Virginia, USA – I'm a mother, and a FIGHTER. We all have our battles and I've had my fair share. But if I can make it through this madness (addiction, divorce, abuse, single parenting, co-parenting, molestation, infertility, autoimmune disease, connective tissue disorders ... you name it, I've been there), then you can too. You are stronger than you think! Slowly but surely, we can convert these experiences into FUEL for better things ahead. We can teach our kids. We can inspire those around us for good. And we can change the world.
    Mama Crossroads says:

    Reblogged this on mama crossroads and commented:
    I couldn’t have said it better myself … so I won’t. Go read it yourself! 🙂

Leave a ReplyCancel reply